by Mz. Toni
Love Always Your lil mama
She left me; I couldn't believe she actually left me. Picking up the nightstand, I threw it across the room. Knocking everything off the dresser, I screamed a gut wrenching scream. Damn, I know I fucked up, but I never thought she would leave me. I didn't sleep with the chick and my connection with Jayda was nowhere near close to the connection I shared with Cherish. The look on her face when she walked in my office hurt my soul. To know that I was the reason for her tears and pain made me feel like shit. How was I gonna explain this shit to Jasmine, her night isn't complete if she doesn't see Cherish before going to sleep. As I stood in the middle of the room I once shared with lil mama, I felt something wet on my face. Wiping my face, I realized that they were tears, real tears. I haven't truly shed a tear since the loss of my parents, and now I've cried more than once over Cherish. After getting myself together, I grabbed my keys and headed out to meet Jasmine at the bus stop. When she got into my car, I wasn't surprised when the first thing out her mouth was her asking where Cherish was.
“But we always get our nails done on Friday,” she pouted.
“I'm sorry baby girl.”
“It’s ok, I'm sure she’ll make it up to me,” she said with a smile. When we got back to the house, I was surprised to see Camille’s car parked outside my house. Hopping out the car, I rushed to the door to meet her.
“Where’s Cherish?”
“Boy bye, I'm here to pick up Jasmine, not answer your questions.”
“Hey Auntie Cam!” Jasmine screamed excitedly.
“Hey baby, you ready to get your nails done!” she said, but not before rolling her eyes at me.
“Jas go pack your overnight bag,” I said. When she was out of earshot, I plead my case to Camille.
“Uh huh nigga, don't even try it,” she said, putting her hand in my face.
“Yo I fucked up, I know that, but you of all people know how much I love Cherish. I can't handle her leaving me.”
“Mega you were fucking wrong and you don't deserve her, so miss me with the pity party!”
“I just need to talk to her.”
“She doesn't want to talk to you.”
“I just want to apologize, please Cam.”
”I don't know what to tell you, Jason.”
“I just need you to help me out, damn.”
“Honestly, I helped you out the first time you fucked up because I knew how much you loved her. Yeah I know she went through her shit and it had to have been hard on you, but did your selfish ass even think about Cherish and all that she’d been through. She was raped, beaten, made into an instant mommy, found out she was pregnant with twins, and then was almost kidnapped at gunpoint. She needed you, she needed your love and support, and you gave that, but you also emotionally built a relationship with someone else. Someone Cherish knew wanted you, someone older than her, more developed than her, do you know how that made her feel!” Camille snapped.
“Probably like shit,” I said, feeling fucked up.
“Naw worse than that. You made her feel stupid, unworthy and unwanted. Feelings she has had to feel all her fucking life, and she never expected to feel that way with you!”
“I fucked up bad, but does this one time control all the good times, all the times I had her back and loved her.”
“Nope, it doesn't, which is why I'm rooting for you to get her back, but I ain't helping you,” she said. When Jasmine came downstairs, her and Camille headed out. Grabbing a bottle of Patron, I sat on the couch and started getting fucked up, I don't know how or when I was gonna get her back, but I wasn't gonna stop trying.
Chapter Fifteen
(Cherish)
I’ve been at Camille’s house for three days, and I'm ready to get the hell out of there. Don't get me wrong, I love Camille and Mark, but I need my own space. Almost every night I hear them having sex, and believe it or not, Mark is the screamer, which is just hilarious to me. Honestly, I just feel like I've worn out my welcome, which is why me and Camille were at Applebee's meeting with a realtor.
“So you sure this is what you want to do?” Camille asked.
“Yeah, I'm sure. I meet with the therapist next week. I have a plan for how I want and need for my life to be before I bring these babies into the world and I don't need Mega’s ass distracting me.”
“You miss him?”
“Is the sky blue… Hell yeah I miss my man,” I said with a laugh.
“What you doing after we see a few houses?”
“I gotta pick up Jasmine from Mama Betty’s house.”
“Hello Ms. Daniels,” the realtor I met online said as he walked up to the table. I didn't do white chocolate, but damn he was fine. Standing at about 6’0, nice build with his crisp suit on, not to mention, when he shook my hand I couldn't help but notice the tattoo on it.
“Hello, you must be Peter.”
“Girl he fine,” Camille said a little too loud.
“Don't mind her, have a seat.”
“Ok, so tell me exactly what you're looking for.”
“Well wherever I go won't be permanent, but I will be staying for the remainder of my pregnancy.”
“So a furnished, month to month, two bedroom…”
“Yes, and a girl’s room for my nine year old daughter.”
“Oh wow, ok,” he said surprised.
“Wow what?”
“You have a nine year old daughter, you look so young.”
“Well thank you,” I said with a smile. I never told people that Jasmine was my stepdaughter, even though most people looked at me like a freak when they found out my age, but whatever.
“No problem. Now that I have a better idea of what you're looking for, I think I have the perfect spot for you.”
“Well shit, let's check it out!” Camille said hyped as hell. When we arrived at the condo, I instantly fell in love. He must have been really good at his job for him to have literally picked the perfect place for me. It wasn't too far from Mega and Jasmine, but in the cut enough where I could have privacy and not risk him seeing me.
“This is beautiful!” I said as I walked through the home.
“I'm glad you like it.”
“So it would be going in her name,” I said pointing to Camille.
“But you'll be living here?”
“Yeah, I'm willing to pay in advance for my time here, so that wouldn't be an issue, I'm quiet, I have no friends and no man,” I said pleading my case.
“Damn girl so what am I, chopped liver!”
“Oh hush, you know what I mean.”
“I'm sure you won't be a problem,” he said with a smile before pulling out the paperwork for Camille to sign. After paying the rent for five months in advance, we headed out and I was excited to be having a new start, excited to be on the road of independence. I love Mega, and I know he takes care of me, but there’s nothing like being able to take care of yourself.
“Cherish?” the realtor called out to me before I could get into the car.
“Did I forget anything?” I asked.
“No, I just wanted you to know that I think you're beautiful and I would love to take you out sometime,” he said catching me off guard.
“That's so sweet and I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to have no decline. Although I'm taking a break from my boyfriend, I would be lying if I said I was anywhere near over him.”
“Well it was worth a try, right?” he said with a smirk, causing me to laugh out loud.
“Yes, you never know if you don't ask.”
“Here, take my card in case you change your mind,” he said reaching into his pocket and handing me his card. Hopping into his Benz, he pulled off leaving me feeling very wanted.
“Girl what he say,” Camille asked as soon as I got into the car.
“He asked me out,” I said blushing.
“So when is the date?” she asked.
“I turned him down. I love Mega, plus, I'm pregnant as hell.”
“That ain't nev
er stopped nobody, you ain't fucking him, you just going on a date.”
“I don't know, maybe we can be friends, but nothing more.”
“That's all you need to get that nigga jealous.”
“I don't feel right using him like that, he seems nice.”
“Alright, you go head and be lonely while Mega doing who knows what.”
“You so fucking messy, you don't know if he doing anything, you just mad at him for hurting me,” I said with a smirk.
“You damn right. I ain't feeling that nigga right now at all,” she said laughing, but dead ass serious.
“I'm bout to start dinner, do my god babies want something specific?” she asked. This was another reason why I was ready to go. I loved cooking and had been learning new things every day, but Camille wanted to pamper me and didn't want for me to have to cook, so she did. Her food was bland and horrible. Sometimes it was so nasty that I would fake being sick and sneak out to McDonalds. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and I appreciated her for letting me stay here, but something had to give.
“What you making?”
“Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and corn.”
“That sounds good.”
“Aight then,” she said walking into the kitchen to start her dinner. Going into the guest room, I grabbed my laptop and began to shop for my new place. I was excited as hell to be furnishing my first apartment. After I was done, I logged into my Facebook, and the first page I went to was Mega’s to see if he had been talking to any women. I know I left him, and I doubt he’ll wait forever, but the thought of him giving what he gave to me to someone else was sickening to me. I laid in bed thinking about the shit that went down and whether or not he had feelings for Jayda. Did he love her like he loved me; did he see a future with her? Grabbing my purse, I searched for the realtor’s card. When I found it, I grabbed my phone and sent him a text. I didn't have to wait hours for him to text back. As soon as I said who I was, he called me and we talked for literally four hours non-stop, until my phone died. He was sweet and nice and he showed me attention, maybe a date wouldn't hurt. As I continued to be in my thoughts, sleep took over my body and I welcomed it with open arms.
Today I see the therapist for the first time, and to say I'm nervous would be an understatement. It's times like this where I miss Mega so much. He’s been calling and texting me nonstop and I haven't replied, He even went as far as to write an apology post on Facebook and tag me in it. Got everybody on Facebook talking bout “awwwwww” and “Oh just forgive him he loves you!” I wasn't paying any of them messages or comments any mind. What I miss about him is how he was always supportive and there for me whenever I needed him, and I needed him today. Pulling up to the address, I parked and wobbled into the building. Sitting in the waiting room, I waited to be called while looking through my phone. Opening a text message just sent to me, I smiled as I read it.
Hubby: Hey lil mama, I heard ya appointment is today and I just want you to know that you can do this, you are strong and brave and telling your story to this lady (or nigga) can do no harm. Only good can come from this, don't forget you are doing this to become a better you!! Love you and call me if you need me.
“Cherish Daniels,” somebody said pulling me out of my thoughts. Wiping my eyes quickly, I popped up and headed back into the office.
“Have a seat Cherish,” she said nicely.
“Thanks, this feels so weird.”
“Why?”
“I guess because of all the movies I’ve seen with couches that look just like this. I'm supposed to lay back, tell you my problems and what you fix them,” I said speaking honestly.
“Girl, I'm no genie, I don't grant wishes, and I'm no magician, I can’t magically make problems disappear, but what I can do is help you to fix your problems,” she said with a smile. She seemed cool. She was a beautiful chocolate woman like myself, and seemed to be in her early forties.
“Ok, I can handle that.”
“Let's start with the basics, why are you here?”
“I'm here for a lot of reasons, but mainly because of my children. I want to be a better, healthier me for them,” I said rubbing my belly.
“Ok so what do you think is preventing you from being a better you?”
“My past…” I said before telling her the short version of my life story. I told her about the abuse at the hands of my so called mother and stepfather, the betrayal of my friends, and everything else that led up to me being so emotionally fucked up, being sure not to mention their deaths.
“Wow, you have been through a great ordeal,” she said shocked.
“You know what’s crazy, I read these books and the people just bounce back, that's what I want to be able to do,” I said wiping my tears.
“Well this isn't a book or a movie, this is real life and real people don't just bounce back from the kind of abuse you went through.”
“I just want to be normal. I want to be able to have the love of my life touch me without me flinching.”
“We’ll get there, you're session is over.”
“That went by fast,” I said with a smile.
“Next week will be a little harder, but you can do it,” she said with a reassuring smile. When I left her office, I felt good. A little emotionally drained from retelling my story, but overall, I felt a sense of freedom and release. When I got into my car, I looked at my missed calls. Calling Jasmine back first, I waited for her to answer.
“Hey Jas.”
“Hey Ma, can you come get me?”
“Where you at?”
“I'm home.”
“Uhhhhh I don't know Jasmine.”
“Please, I haven't seen you all day.”
“Alright, here I come and you better be ready,” I said before hanging up. Pulling off, I drove to the house I once shared with my family. Walking up to the front door, I pulled out my keys before remembering that it was no longer my house. I called Jasmine and told her I was outside before turning around to go wait in the car.
“Why not just use your key?” I heard Mega’s voice boom from behind me.
“It’s not my house anymore so I didn't want to be rude,” I said smartly.
“Come on now, Cherish. This will always be your fucking house, I bought it for us.”
“I guess, but tell Jasmine I’ll be in the car.”
“Can we talk?”
“We don't have anything to talk about.”
“Man that's bullshit, I fucked up and I know that, but you ain't been telling me about no doctor’s appointments, I don't even know what we having cuz you did that on ya own,” he said making me feel bad as shit.
“I was so mad at you, but that's no excuse to keep you away from the babies, so for that I'm sorry.”
“So what we having?” he asked while rubbing my stomach.
“I don't know, it didn't feel right without you so I told him I didn't want to know,” she said with a smile. Kissing my belly, he hugged me tightly. I knew how much these babies meant to him and I would never keep them away from him, I refused to be one of those women.
“You know how much I love y'all?” he asked.
“I know Jason, I know.”
“Can we make this work?”
“Honestly, Jason I need to work on my right now, and that’s what I'm doing.”
“We can work together.”
“No, this is something I need to do by myself, and maybe you need time to be sure this is what you want.”
“I know you and my babies are what I want,” he said grabbing my waist.
“Just please, you're making this harder for me.”
“I don't want to do that, but I miss you, shit we miss you,” he said referring to Jasmine.
