by Babe Walker
I wiped my eyes and blew my nose into my paper towel napkin. A third thing I’d never done before.
“You can’t freak me out. We’re family, Knoxie. The only thing that would freak me out would be if you stopped being a freak.”
“Hey, I’m not a freak!” he said, pointing at me and smiling. “You’re a freak! You got plastic surgery on your vagina!”
“KNOX!!!” shouted Veronica, her face turning red.
“Sorry, Mom.”
“It’s true,” I told her. “I got a labiaplasty for my graduation from high school. And I’m extremely proud of it.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“It’s a beautiful vagina now. I used to have major issues with it but now—”
“Okay, okay!” Vee said, silencing me. “We obviously have a lot to talk about, but maybe tonight’s already been emotional enough . . . But are you okay, Knoxie? You know that you’re my son, you’re my baby. You know that, right? You always will be.”
“Oh my God, Mom. Really?? Yes, I get it!”
It was truly shocking how much Knox was me.
“Okay,” Vee said, throwing her hands up, as shocked as I was by his composure through all of this but accepting it as best she could.
“Can we finish our salads now?” Knox asked after about a minute of heavy sighs and under-her-breath “oh my Gods” from Veronica.
“Yeah, let’s do that,” she agreed.
I lifted my glass to make another toast.
“So here’s to us being so fucking cute and chic and open with each other.”
We cheers’d.
“And also, she brought us all together, but it needs to be said: fuck Donna.”
“Fuck Donna!” the three of us said in unison. It felt amazing. It felt amazing and weird.
TWENTY
Bye.
FROM: Babe Walker ([email protected])
TO: Donna Valeo ([email protected])
SUBJECT: HEYYYYYYYY!
* * *
Donna—
It’s been a few months since we last saw each other in Maryland. I trust that you’ve been up to your usual antics and that all is well with you and Gina. You looked fab in MD, and it genuinely gives me hope about the aging process. I waited until I’d had time to process all the changes in my life before I wrote you this note. But I’ve been thinking about writing it every day for the past four months. So get your oolong tea and your pack of American Spirits, I have a lot to say.
First and foremost, thanks for inviting me to Joe’s birthday thing. It was truly one of the most eye-opening experiences I’ve ever had. Even more than squirrel diving. I was not expecting much because our relationship is weird, so I figured it would just be a lot of that: weird and awk interactions with people I don’t know but should. I think I was hoping to catch up with you a bit and get to know you a little better, but that didn’t happen because that’s never going to happen. That’s okay, though. I did, however, learn a ton about myself on that trip. Most importantly I learned that I’m not an only child. Which until this spring was one of my defining attributes as a human being. But as it turns out, you gave me the best gift of all but somehow managed to forget to tell me. I have a brother! This is MAJOR news. Soooo exciting, right?? Why didn’t you tell me? You’re so silly, Donna.
Knox is amazing. He blows me away every single day that I’m with him. I gather from Veronica that you haven’t checked in on him for a while so let me give you the full update on our little Knoxy pants. I kidnapped him for a couple of days in May so we could fly to LA to audition for a kids’ cooking competition reality show. Veronica was super pissed because I didn’t get her permission about taking him, but we worked through it and Knox made it onto the show so I think that made it a lot easier to see how important it really was. Knox came back out to LA to do the show right after school ended in June. They flew him out here a little early and he stayed with Dad, Mabinty, and me at the house. It was amazing. They all loved him, my friends all loved him. He really is an amazing kid. He made it to the fourth round of the show before getting kicked off. It was actually a real shame. Some other greasy kid on his team totally overcooked the Pumpkin Ravioli, and Knox got blamed because he was the team leader for the challenge that week.
But it doesn’t really matter because he stole the show every time he was on camera. Gordon Ramsay, who dad represents, already told Knox that he could have a job at one of his restaurants as soon as he is old enough. Knox is beyond thrilled, obviously. He idolizes Gordon. Knox was so great about getting kicked off the show. He is so mature. I assume he gets it from his dad? Who is his dad anyway? Genuinely curious about that.
Also, Knox knows the truth. He has for a while. Joe had mentioned something to him, so he was already suspicious, but he got the official proof and kept it to himself. Love him for that. It’s pretty remarkable what well-adjusted kids you produce. Especially since you’re a ghost in all of their lives. Maybe it’s because you aren’t around that we’re doing so well.
Knox just left this morning back to Maryland. I miss him already. But we made a pact to not go more than two months without seeing each other. I’m already planning to take him to NYC for fashion week next month. He loves fashion. Kylie Jenner is one of his style icons, which wouldn’t be my pick, but I’m letting him live. Then we will probably do Thanksgiving together. I’m kind of seeing one of the teachers from Cara and Knox’s school. His name is Scott. He is hot and he makes going to Maryland cuter for sure. Love Knox, obvi, but I’d definitely be trying to get him out to LA more if it weren’t for Scott. Plus, I think it’s better for Veronica that I come there more. She is his mom, after all.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt like I was the kind of person that might never settle down. I always get close, but then something scares me away because on some level I believed that I just wasn’t gonna be good in a family situation. Maybe I was making it okay for you to have behaved in the way that you did, by pretending that I was that way, too. Pretending that I couldn’t commit to anything or anyone. But I know now that that isn’t the case. That’s not who I am. I’m not really like you at all. And that’s okay. It’s okay you weren’t there for me and that you weren’t there for Knox. We have each other now. And that’s just as good for us. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
It turns out that family (as a concept) isn’t as fucked up as I thought. In fact, family isn’t really that fucked up at all. I guess what I’m saying is that you’re a bad mom. You should know that. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to be one. That has been my biggest fear about settling down and starting my own family. But being with Knox these past few months has given me a glimpse into what motherhood is all about. I honestly see how much you have to be there for another human being. Watching Veronica with Knox has been a beautiful lesson in the right way to be someone’s mother. Everything she does, she does for those kids. She has no taste whatsoever and her hair is always a fucking mess, but her heart is, like, the biggest heart. She actually reminds me of Meryl Streep. She is completely focused on her kids’ well-being. And somehow . . . that’s attractive to me all of a sudden. I guess it’s the new me? My dad’s new wife is actually proud of me. She says I’ve transformed over the past few months. I think transformation is bullshit but I’ll take it as a compliment.
So I’m down one mom, but up one brother. But I’m happy with what I ended up with.
Good luck with everything. I hope this email didn’t upset you too much. That wasn’t my intention. But I’m sure you’ll get over it if it did. ’Cause you’re a cunt.
Sincerely,
B
FROM: Babe Walker ([email protected])
TO: Lizbeth ([email protected])
SUBJECT: Mantra
* * *
How is St. Barths? Are you guys ever coming back to LA? You can tell my dad that his new Rolex came. Also tell him that I miss him. You can tell yourself that I miss you too if you want. Which is kind of what I’m writi
ng to you about. I’ve had some time now to digest this whole situation with my bio mom. And I guess all the bullshit led me to realize what my mantra was, in a way.
You don’t have to be someone’s mother to be their, like, mother.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, in the middle of a Flywheel class, and then I just sat on the bike for the last half hour of the class staring into space and repeating the mantra over and over. It’s actually perfect for me. On two levels. First and foremost, this mantra allows me to own some of the motherly responsibilities I’ve been taking on with Knox. I’m obvi not his mom, but I also kind of am, you know? And I’m okay with it. Maybe I do want to be a mom after all.
Also . . . it made me reexamine my often tense, normally horrible relationship with you. So I kind of get that you aren’t really trying to be my mom, but you also aren’t trying not to be my mom. And I appreciate it, Lizbeth. I really do.
XO
B
EPILOGUE
So . . . Even though Knox didn’t win the show, the country was basically obsessed with him after he was on. So it was not hard for me to help him get a book deal for a cookbook with his recipes. I’ve taken the liberty of including some of my faves for you guys to enjoy. (Please note that I’ve also made some small changes to these recipes to make them more organic, lower-cal, and just healthier all around.)
Bon appétit.
POTATO AND ONION FRITTATA
* * *
SERVES 6
INGREDIENTS
12 Whole Eggs
4 Yukon Gold Potatoes, sliced thin (Um . . . No potatoes, please)
1 White Onion, sliced thin
1/4 Cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil
2 T Kosher Salt (Skip the salt unless you want to be puffy AF)
INSTRUCTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In large bowl, whisk eggs until well combined.
Heat sloped-sided pan to med. high heat, add half the oil, and sauteé potatoes until tender, remove with a slotted spoon and add to egg mixture. Add onions to pan and fry until golden and tender, remove, and transfer to egg mixture. Add remaining oil to pan, and pour in egg mixture. Stir eggs quickly until some curds form. Place in oven, bake 10–20 minutes, remove when eggs have risen and are golden brown. Serve directly from skillet.
BANANA-GRAIN PANCAKE
* * *
SERVES 4
DRY INGREDIENTS
1/2 Cup of Buckwheat Flour
1/2 Cup of Millet Flour
1/2 Cup of Quinoa Flour
1/2 Cup of Tapioca Starch
1 T of Baking Powder
WET INGREDIENTS
1 Over-ripened Banana
1/4 Cup Sugar
1/4 Cup Greek Yogurt
1/4 Cup Water
2 T Coconut Oil
2 Whole Eggs
Pinch Salt
INSTRUCTIONS
Mix dry ingredients together in a large bowl. In separate bowl combine banana with sugar and salt, mash with fork. Whisk in remaining wet ingredients until smooth and well combined. Combine wet and dry ingredients. Heat skillet to med. heat. Add oil. Ladle in pancake mixture and cook on both sides 2–3 minutes per side until golden brown and slightly risen. Serve with maple syrup and crème fraîche.
SUMMER GAZPACHO
* * *
SERVES 6
(LOVE this one. Although I’ve found it actually makes 24 hearty and filling portions for me.)
INGREDIENTS
2 lbs. Heirloom Tomatoes, diced
1 Green Bell Pepper, diced
1 Cucumber, peeled, seeds removed, diced
1 Garlic Clove
1/2 Red Onion, diced
1/2 Loaf Country Bread, crust removed, diced
4 T Kosher Salt (1 Tablespoon is plenty)
2 T Sherry Vinegar
1/3 Cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil
INSTRUCTIONS
Combine all ingredients, except for sherry vinegar and olive oil, in large bowl, cover, and let sit for a few hours or overnight in the fridge. Blend the mixture in blender until smooth. Add olive oil and sherry vinegar and blend until combined. Serve chilled.
SEARED CHICKEN WITH FENNEL SALAD
* * *
SERVES 4
INGREDIENTS
4 Chicken Thighs, bone in, skin on, organic
2 T Canola Oil
4 T Kosher Salt
1 T Black Pepper, ground
3 Fennel Bulb, core removed, sliced very thin
1 Meyer Lemon, or Regular Lemon
4 T Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 T Sea Salt
INSTRUCTIONS
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Heat large skillet, cast iron if you have it, to med. high heat. Add canola oil and let it get hot. Season chicken on both sides with kosher salt and black pepper. Add chicken to skillet, skin side down. Bring heat to medium and let the skin sear for 8 minutes until golden brown and crispy. Turn chicken over, and put whole skillet in oven. Bake until done, about 6–10 minutes.
While chicken is in oven, place sliced fennel in large bowl, zest the lemon directly over the fennel. Season with salt and toss with olive oil and juice from the lemon. Serve beside the seared chicken.
ROASTED SCALLOPS WITH PINE NUTS AND BROWN BUTTER
* * *
SERVES 4
INGREDIENTS
16 U/10 Scallops
4 T Canola Oil
4 T Kosher Salt
1 lb. Butter, unsalted (STOP suggesting butter, Knox)
1 Cup Pine Nuts, toasted
2 T Sherry Vinegar, aged
INSTRUCTIONS
Heat oven to 350 degrees F.
Heat large skillet to med. high heat. Add canola oil and let it get hot. Season the scallops with salt, and sear scallops in the pan on both sides 2–3 minutes per side. Take out of pan and place onto baking sheet. Place the butter in pan and let it melt, swirl the pan occasionally until the butter starts to turn light brown. Add the vinegar and remaining salt and whisk. Place scallops in the oven for 2–3 minutes until warmed through, remove, and place on the plate. Spoon sauce onto plate and sprinkle with pine nuts.
ORANGE BREAD PUDDING
* * *
(LOL. I let him keep this in here because he begged me to. Knox says it’s his best recipe. I tried it. Just a bite. It was the best thing I’ve ever tasted so I had to let it slide. Enjoy/Sorry!)
SERVES 6
INGREDIENTS
1/2 Loaf Pain de Mie, or Brioche, cubed
2 Cups Whole Milk
3 Whole Eggs, beaten
2 Oranges
1/3 Cup Sugar
2 T Butter
1 Pinch Kosher Salt
INSTRUCTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Zest the two oranges, and reserve the oranges for other use.
Bring milk, butter, sugar, zest, and salt to a simmer in large-capacity pot. Simmer just until sugar dissolves. Whisk in the eggs and pour mixture over bread in large bowl. Let soak for a few hours. Transfer mixture to greased baking dish. Bake in oven for 25–30 minutes. Remove when the mixture has risen and is no longer wobbly. Serve with vanilla ice cream.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I used to hate saying thanks for anything. I thought it made me look needy. But I’ve learned to own my neediness. It’s part of me. It’s my thing. I am an extremely needy person and that’s just what it is. So, I NEED to thank a few people without whom this book would not have been possible and also my life would fucking suck.
Ninety-nine percent of the people I meet are literal garbage, but there a few that I truly do love, besides myself: Tanner Cohen and David Oliver Cohen, you guys complete me. Like actually, how would I have written this book without you? Thank you, thank you, thank you! Knox, thanks for doing you and inspiring me to do me, and Cara, thanks for letting me burn your Snuggie. I also legit owe so much to Vee for dealing with the shenanigans and accepting that I just might be a better mother figure to Knox than you are—just kid
ding. I even want to thank Donna, but not for anything she did, more for everything she never did; it shaped me into the eternally blossoming lotus that I am. Thanks, Dad, you are my Queen forever, and Lizbeth, I have to say I’ve really learned to love your bullshit antics and posi-vibes. It’s weird. Thanks to Scott and all the other guys I’ve fucked lately; it’s been a really nice, long stretch of good sex, so thank you, seriously. Thanks to my hot agent, Byrd, for being the first person who believed in me as an author besides my own dad, who doesn’t count as a person really, and to my editor, Kate Dresser, you are a true ride-or-die psycho for me and I love you for that. To Jen Bergstrom and Louise Burke and entire team at Gallery, I fuck with you so hard.
Additionally I want to thank Gen Larson, Roman, Mabinty Jones, Cristi Andrews Cohen, Hal Winter, Penelope Ziggy, Jessica Lindsey, Luce Amelia, Marcia and Stewart Cohen, Liz and Frank Newman, Jake Brodsky, Beige, Audrey Adams, Cow, Sam Wilkes, Alex Ferzan, Josh Ostrovsky, Steph Krasnoff, Olivia Wolfe, George Clinton and P-Funk, the entire cast of Nickelodeon’s Taina, Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, Hazel Judd, Monica Vinny, the Rosé boys, the #1 donkey in the life, Gordon Ramsay, Taylor Bell, Jason Richman, Howie Sanders, Scott Waxman, and Meryl Streep.
Want more Babe Walker? Check out PSYCHOS!
Babe Walker is fresh out of rehab (for an alleged shopping addiction) and embarks on a personal journey of self-discovery that takes her from L.A. to Amsterdam and Greece to New York as she tries to answer the question so many of us have wondered: Who Is Babe Walker?
