by Pamela Ann
Jackson and Drew had gone to a pre-season Knicks game, so it would seem like I had this place all to myself. I was surprised they had taken the time to hangout. Jacks had been so preoccupied with this chick Yvonne, whom I had yet to meet. And as for Drew, I wasn’t sure where he went off to. Nevertheless, he was seldom home.
There were a lot of holes, and piecing the story together hadn’t gotten me anywhere. Neither of them were talking, which led me to believe that maybe they’d just had a falling out. Jacks had admitted he’d had a hard time finding his way, while Drew had his future mapped out. Could it be jealousy? I wouldn’t have considered it before since those two had shared every toy, every sport, every game—anything I could think of. Then again, with Drew paving his way toward his goals and Jacks lagging behind, that could put a huge strain upon a friendship. No matter how strong the bond, it only took one thing to break it.
Something told me that, before I had come to live here, they’d had a lot of parties in the apartment. However, since I was a girl, Jacks and Drew, who were protective of me to a fault, didn’t want to surround me with drunken people at all hours of the night,. Courtney, my best friend, used to call them fuckboy pansies. Both were “fuckboys” but were “pansies” where I was concerned.
Drew had always been worse than Jackson ever was. If Jacks had tried to warn some boy back in high school about going out with me, Drew would take it to another level. He was the type ready to battle it out just to make a point.
Courtney had a way with words. Bright, quick wit, beach blonde with a tongue sharper than a knife. She was always at war with Jackson. My poor brother got whiplash each time he tried to win an argument with her. She was the epitome of Queen Bee. If she weren’t my friend, it would be wise of me to stay the fuck away from her. It was a good thing she had met someone; it had mellowed her out somehow. Not a whole lot, just enough that someone could mistake her as friendly.
She was quite a character, one I secretly admired because she went after what she wanted. She was fearless like that. That was why it had sort of saddened me when she’d settled in San Diego just to be close to her boyfriend. It was very unlike her. Then again, she had changed since things had gotten serious with him.
I hoped to God I wouldn’t get so caught up in another person if I ever got involved with anyone. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. With how I already was with Drew, I had to wonder how I would be once I started dating someone. It could get terrifying if I gave it my all and then got my heart broken for the second time.
The doorbell chimed loudly, ending the miserable thoughts that had plagued my mind for the past hour. Spencer was dressed like the men from a Ralph Lauren catalogue, emitting old money, which wasn’t surprising when he had told me his parents lived in the Hamptons.
Cali rich folks compared to New Yorkers were a whole different playing field. Here, it meant global economy, while the former were geared toward local and national economy. The stark difference was alarming.
As I put those contrasting thoughts aside, Spencer came in with two bottles of Cristal and an extra-large pepperoni and cheese pizza.
“You brought not one but two? I hope you don’t have any designs to get me drunk, because I’m on some strong meds. Mix that in with alcohol, and you might not like the result. My mouth tends to run until your ears bleed.”
“I’ll consider myself forewarned.”
Spencer was kind when it came to making sure that my injured foot was always on a cushion. It was an unexpected surprise, and I began to like him more as the man himself and not the person who had been painted for me by other people’s opinions.
Drew had cautioned me about Spencer’s only interest being the thrill of the chase, but I was on the fence on that one, not knowing him well enough to form my own belief yet. For now, I had concluded that Drew’s advice should be taken with a grain of salt.
As chick flicks went, I chose something that leaned toward drama with a side of temptation, regret, and cheating. The movie Last Night starring Kiera Knightly and Sam Worthington got me in all sorts of twisted emotions. My tears were unstoppable as I watched Joanna and Alex, the boy she fell in love with while studying abroad in Paris. It was one of those rare moments when you were so invested in the story, in the characters, that you experienced what they went through, gripping you. It evoked such powerful emotions that I bawled until I could no longer tolerate Spencer’s teasing.
“There’s still half a box of tissues left. What’s next?” Spencer grinned before popping another champagne bottle. We had gone through the first one while eating the pizza.
Scrolling through the movie list, I was wiping the moisture off the side of my eyes when Drew entered the living room, shocking Spencer and me into an awkward silence. I could feel the tension radiate off him in powerful waves.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” I said, glancing at him, hoping he wouldn’t cause a scene. Spencer’s name alone never failed to bring out the Neanderthal in him.
Drew’s face was a dark mask. With one look at him, you would know he was a ticking bomb, waiting for the right time to explode.
Before Drew had the chance to speak, Spencer cleared his throat. “You’re more than welcome to join us on our date night, but I’m sure you have better things to do than be a third wheel.” Spencer’s remark could easily be portrayed as showing off wanting to drill it into Drew’s head.
“Date night? Since when the fuck did you begin dating this shithead, Chloe?” he roared so loudly my ears literally rang.
My holy hell. He had just gone straight in there, guns blazing, ready for a showdown.
“Drew—”
“Shithead? Who the fuck do you think you are, calling me names? You better fucking recognize, or I’ll make you regret it!” Spencer chided, turning red from anger.
I saw Drew take a few steps toward me. I flashed my eyes at him in warning him, wanting him to stay away. He looked like he was ready to pummel Spencer to the ground.
“Stop it! You guys need to fucking stop!”
The warning barely made a dent. Drew’s attention was honed in behind me, straight on Spencer.
“Your words don’t hold any weight,” he spat out. “Why don’t you come here and threaten it to my face instead of yelling across the room like the skinny, little bitch you are!”
“The only little bitch here is you, crying foul that I fucked one of your chicks and she loved it so much she asked for it twice. She practically seduced me to fuck her. I only took what she freely offered. It’s no one’s fault but yours if you can’t satisfy your women. If you don’t like being dropped, that’s your issue. Don’t take it out on me,” Spencer sneered, egging him on further.
“If getting a woman drunk so you can get her to fuck you is seducing to you, then you’re more of a sick fuck than I imagined!” The veins on the side of Drew’s neck became apparent, a surefire sign he was about to blow a gasket.
“You think you’re all that because of who you are now.” Spencer cruelly laughed at him. “Fucking watch out, Cavendish; you’re stepping in the wrong fucking territory!”
Drew scoffed, “Save the speech when you have the balls to back it up.”
“I’m here with Chloe, and trust me, she and I aren’t done yet. We barely just began,” Spencer stated, goading Drew to react by staking his claim.
Not only were Drew’s neck muscles tightened now, but he was also flexing his hands, readying for a massive impact to someone’s face. “You better leave, or I won’t be able to stop myself from beating your ass to the floor. And stay the fuck away from Chloe, or so help me God, I’m coming after you with everything I’ve got.”
“Fuck you!” Spencer growled before he took hold of my arm, getting my attention. “You don’t have to fucking listen to this lowlife! He’s just jealous. Don’t let him bully you into kicking me out of here. Fuck, we can go to my place if you like. That’ll solve everything. Come on, let’s get the fuck out of here, Chloe.” He was lightly tugging me towa
rd him, almost making me lose my balance.
“I can make up my own mind, so stop telling me what to do!” I yelled at the both of them. “You better leave, Spencer. I think I’m done for tonight. This stupid competition between who’s better at this or whatever … You guys need to shut the fuck up. I know gay men who have more guts than the both of you combined! So please, get over it because I sure as hell am.”
Spencer blew out a breath before muttering an apology and a promise to text me when things died down before taking his leave.
It had been frustrating to watch them exchange spiteful words as if I hadn’t been there, right between them. Had my foot been fine, I wouldn’t have stopped myself from slapping them silly. They had deserved it. Not only was it disrespectful, but they needed to understand that women weren’t possessions.
It was absurd to witness Drew a beat away from losing it. I had seen it before when he and Jackson had gotten into brawls. Drew won most of the time; that was why no one had liked to mess with him back in our high school. When he fought, he fought with everything.
Now my eyes lingered on him while he avoided my gaze. I wasn’t sure why, but I hoped it was due to embarrassment more than anything else.
“What did he mean by ‘because of who you are now’?” That line had stayed with me. The way Spencer had stated it, as though Drew thought he was better than anyone, as if it were all a farce. It was confusing to be stuck in the middle while being kept in the dark.
“It means nothing,” he softly bit out. The tension from his encounter with Spencer hadn’t evaporated, still thrumming in his veins.
Unsure what to do, I tugged on the ends of the cushions as I tried to suppress a sinking gut feeling. And when his blue eyes finally landed on me, I felt the impact as though I had been thrown into an iced lake. Those eyes had the power to send me cascading to Hell and soaring to the heavens in the blink of an eye.
“I don’t want you spending time with him alone. He’s a loose cannon. Do we understand each other, Chloe?” he bit out, his temper reaching the tipping point.
Son of a mother fucking gun! No, we were far from understanding each other. I wasn’t going to bow down just because he demanded, even if I loved him more than words could ever express. Whom I kept company with was my decision alone. He should know better than to interfere.
“Well, that’s all according to you, but he’s been nothing but kind to me. Besides, Jackson hasn’t said a word, so why should I?”
“What are you trying to do here, Chloe? I mean, look at you with that dress and that pearl thing on your head …” His eyes burned as he roved his eyes about me, fuming with some swift hand gestures then shaking his head in disbelief. “If I didn’t know any better, I would think you actually want to date him; is that it? Because if you do, I’d rather you tell me straight up.”
He was livid that I was going against his wishes. What he had with Spencer had nothing to do with me. Heck, I wasn’t even here when it all had happened, so he shouldn’t hold this against me.
“I’m not trying to do anything but stress the fact that I have a right to my own mind.” Why wouldn’t he just leave it be? He was acting as though he had caught me cheating on him or betraying him to some degree, which was really absurd because we weren’t anything. He had made sure of that.
“You haven’t answered the question.”
We both stilled as he stepped closer, reeling me in, radiating anger. His heat made me feel threatened and mesmerized at the same time.
“Do you want to date him or not?”
He was too close. It felt like he was intimidating me for some reason.
Torn between wanting him to kiss me and still hold my ground, I cast my eyes down, ashamed that he might see how much his closeness affected me.
“I barely know him,” I whispered. “But I’m not going to lie. I’ve thought of it. It’s kinda hard not to.”
The tip of his tongue curled around the bottom of his lip, pensive as he looked at me with a soul-crushing glare. “I find it funny how it was just the other night you told me you loved me, and look at you now, two nights later, getting cozy with another guy who just happens to like the woman I slept with.”
“Don’t you dare fucking use that against me! It’s just an odd coincidence. He doesn’t have a clue about what happened between us.” I hollered back with the same intensity as he had. I was drunk, and even though I meant every word, he didn’t have the right to casually reference it just to prove a point, as if I hadn’t given my heart to him on a platter.
“Oh, yes, I fucking dare, Chloe. Something must’ve gave it away cause assholes like him picks up on shit like that. I’d never hold it against the woman, only him since he intentionally sought her out. But you’re not just any other woman. It’s impossible to laugh it off or not care. You’re—” He caught himself, pausing before resuming his speech. “How can you even—I mean, it’s vile—you—why—FUCK. What the fuck!” he growled into my face before he took a step back and pulled the side of his hair, looking more lost than ever. “Why does it have to be now? Why does it have to be him? You’re attracted to him?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but he stopped me, apparently not done yet.
“Are you punishing me? Because this is really cruel of you. It’s bad enough that you’re thinking of dating, but him? It’s just fucked up. I can’t stomach the thought of him touching you. It fucking drives me insane. I can’t fucking think straight. You’ve got to stop this, or I’ll lose my mind.”
I caught my breath. Time became suspended as our eyes battled one another, one yielding power, the other unyielding.
“You can’t stomach the thought of him or … any other guy?”
“Yes. Maybe. Both.”
Did he have any clue what he had put me through all these years, trying to ignore all the women he had been with?
Regardless, that was the past, and this was present. I could only influence what I could control and not much else. There was a solution. The only one hindering it was him.
“Make me yours. Be with me. Then I wouldn’t have a reason to be with anyone else.”
He grimaced, confounded. “You know my reasons. I explained in great detail.”
“I know … I remember them all, but I’m sorry, it’s not enough.” Life was about taking chances, so here I was, doing just that. Yet again. “So either you claim me as yours, or you’ll be seeing more of me doing that very same thing with different guys. Take your pick.”
“Is that a threat?”
“No. An ultimatum.” Immobile, I licked my lips and delivered what I had in mind. “Either you have all of me or nothing at all. I can’t keep going like this. I’m going crazy. You make me feel crazy.”
Silence stretched. My chest felt as if my lungs were about to collapse while I nervously waited for his answer. I wanted him so much it was ruining me. He wasn’t impervious any longer. He felt strong emotions, so there had to be a chance, no matter how small it might be. If the time came when there wasn’t anything between us, then that would be when my heart forever left him.
He made a low, guttural sound before taking a step toward me, stopping an inch from my face, almost kissing me. He cupped my face, boring into me. “I’m not … I don’t think I can do it.”
Had I really expected any differently? He was as stubborn as a mule. The sliver of hope died before my very eyes.
“Neither can I, Drew. I’ve waited for years. You know I’ve loved you for so long. If you can’t even try to love me back, then let me go. You have to let me go.” I choked back a sob, loathing my impossible position. Unrequited love was the worst fate anyone could go through. It diminished everything in a person, shrinking you into feeling like you were this tiny, irrelevant person who had no value.
“Chloe, please,” he softly pleaded, sounding just as torn as I.
If he could remain unmoved and unchanged, however, then so could I. Two could very well play that game. My heart already lost the battle, so I
had nothing left to lose.
“You told me so yourself that you wanted me to move on with someone else, someone worthy of me—whatever that means—so please give me space to figure that out for myself.” Though my eyes appeared misty, my voice unsteady, I had never felt this determined to achieve something.
It had been a shadow all my life, a love so blinding it had become a compass determining which direction I should take. Even after that fated night when I had given him myself and he then left without a word of good-bye, the guilt ate at me, though I knew remorse should be the last thing I should feel. Nevertheless, it was there, holding me prisoner to a love that wasn’t remotely close to being worthy of my perpetual devotion.
He threw his hands up in surrender. “Fuck! Okay, you win … but I need time.”
Masking my enthusiasm, I regarded him with a steady gaze. “How much time?” It was a small victory. There was still a lot of work ahead of me if I really wanted him to commit to me and me alone.
His eyes darkened, riddled with uncertainty and indecision. “I don’t know.”
If he was trying to lead me on just so he could get what he wanted, there would be hell to pay. I was at my wit’s end. M patience was as thin as a balding person’s hair.
Hardly containing my despair and fury, I took a sharp breath. “What do you mean you don’t know? Are you talking about weeks, a month or two, a year? What? I need a timeframe here, Drew!” My cool demeanor snapped. My hidden fear and resentment got the best of me.
“Fuck, Chlo, stop pressuring me. I honestly don’t know. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and have an answer for you.”
That was pretty vague.
“That’s not good enough.” If he kept hesitating, then why couldn’t he just let me move on? How could he be so selfish?
“All I know is … I care about you more than any other woman in my life. That’s all I know.” His words went straight into my heart, but the feeling vanished just as quickly when it dawned on me that he had never failed to stress how much he cared for me. Regardless, caring could be misconstrued for something else. One could care about a lot of things without investing time, effort, or affection. My parents, for instance, cared about me, but if I were to die tomorrow, they wouldn’t be as devastated as they would if it were to happen to my brother…So, yeah, caring could mean a whole lot of things.
