by Lily Baxter
‘That’s life, Mr Johnson.’ She turned away to tuck the letter behind a bottle of ginger wine, and she heard him stomp across the tiled floor, muttering beneath his breath as he left the pub, closing the door with unnecessary violence. No doubt he was angry because she had not given him anything to pass on to the rest of the village. She sighed. Bert Johnson was a notorious gossip, although of course he always denied any such accusation. He said he liked to think of himself as a conscientious public servant who had everyone’s best interests at heart. Susan was too polite to tell him what she really thought. Retrieving the envelope she tucked it into her skirt pocket. Some things were best kept secret from an over-anxious father, and this was one of them.
Roz tore the envelope open with trembling fingers. Susan sat on the chair at her bedside, waiting in silence. She had been shocked by Roz’s pallor and drawn features, which could not be explained away merely by the pain of a broken ankle and wrist, but now she had the satisfaction of seeing a smile spreading across her face and a flush colouring her pale cheeks. ‘Well?’ she said when Roz folded the paper and clutched it to her breast. ‘What did he say? It’s from Patrick, isn’t it?’
‘Yes.’ Roz brushed tears from her eyes but she was smiling. ‘He loves me, Susan.’
‘Of course he does. I can’t think how you ever doubted it.’
‘I know, but it all seemed hopeless, and then he went away and I was afraid I’d never see him again.’ She spread the sheets of paper on the bedcover, smoothing them almost reverently. ‘Anyway, he says he’s instructed his solicitor to start divorce proceedings. He’s lost the practice as well as his home, so he said that there’s nothing more that Elspeth or her father can do to him. He says we’ll have to rough it at first, but I don’t care. I’d live in a tent with Patrick and be happy.’
‘I’m really happy for you. But now you must concentrate on getting well again. Your dad is very worried.’
‘He’s not drinking again, is he?’
‘I won’t lie to you, Roz. He’s been knocking back whisky as if his life depended on it. You have to make an effort to get better for him as well as the baby. They’re both depending on you.’
‘You’re right. I’ve been selfish, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of life without Patrick.’
Susan nodded. It was no use telling Roz that already there were three war widows in the village and likely to be many more before hostilities ended. She did not bemoan the fact that Tony was also far away, or that she had given up her job with Elspeth. There would be time to bring Roz up to date with the outside world when she was safe at home and strong enough to cope. She could see some of the other visitors getting ready to leave, although it seemed as though she had only been in the ward for ten minutes, but the hour was almost up. She laid her hand on Roz’s arm. ‘There’s something I must ask you before I go.’
Roz stared at her wide-eyed. ‘What?’
‘Don’t look so alarmed. It’s about your job at the factory.’
‘Oh, that. I really couldn’t care less if they sack me. I hated working there anyway.’
‘So you wouldn’t mind if I applied for it?’
‘You? But I thought you were happy working for that cow Elspeth.’
‘I wouldn’t go so far as that, although she has been good to me in her own way. It’s a long story and I won’t bore you with the details, but I don’t work for her now.’
‘What happened? I always said she was a meadow lady of the first order.’
‘It all got too much, but now I need to find work. Danny said he’d put in a good word for me at Armstrong Whitworth, but only if you agree. I wouldn’t go behind your back, Roz.’
‘I’d be delighted if you took the job, Susan,’ Roz said eagerly, but then her smile faded and was replaced by a worried frown. ‘That doesn’t mean you’ll be leaving us, does it? I don’t think I could cope without you.’
‘I’m not going anywhere. Just come home and we’ll be one happy family again.’
‘I’ll be out of here as soon as they let me and I’ll sort my dad out, the silly old thing.’
Thanks to Danny’s efforts, Susan was taken on in the workshop where they repaired damaged Spitfires and other types of aircraft. At first she seemed to be merely making cups of tea and picking up nuts and bolts that had fallen on the floor, but as she was quick and eager to learn she was taught how to rivet and to do routine maintenance on the engines. She even managed to sneak into a few of the classes on meteorology, map reading and navigation that were compulsory for the ATA trainees, and she memorised the instrument panel which was almost the same as every class of aircraft used by the RAF: air speed indicator, altimeter, gyro compass, altitude indicator, turn and slip gauge and artificial horizon. On one occasion she was spotted in a classroom by Elspeth and for a horrible moment she thought that she was going to denounce her as an interloper, but Elspeth merely smiled and turned her head away. Susan knew then that she had been forgiven for leaving so suddenly, or perhaps Elspeth had realised that it was Colin who had been at fault. Susan saw him occasionally, strutting about the airfield like the cock of the walk, but she always ignored him and he did not acknowledge her.
She had received several letters from Tony, and at first she did not know whether to be pleased or resentful that he seemed to be enjoying his new job, but then she told herself not to be stupid. Tony loved flying and it must have been awful for him to have been grounded due to his back injury. She tried to be glad that he was completely well again and doing something that made him happy; she just wished that he was not so far away.
She missed him more than she would have thought possible. All the things about him that she had taken for granted had become vivid memories. At night when sleep evaded her she remembered the way his eyes lit up when he smiled, and deepened in colour when his passions were aroused. She loved him for his sense of humour and his innate kindness. Their quarrels now seemed foolish and unimportant. Her heart called out to his, receiving echoes in response. She prayed nightly for his safe deliverance. He was the only person who she would ever love, and only he would understand her overwhelming ambition to join the ATA. She saw them daily, those smart, clever and courageous women. They were her idols and her demons rolled into one. She longed to be one of them, but the fact that she had been abandoned as a baby would always set her apart from the rest of the world. Sometimes she felt like an alien who had come from another planet and found herself amongst a different type of being.
When the blue moods came upon her she did her best to put them aside. She knew that she was lucky to have Roz and Bob, and in April there would be an addition to her adopted family. Roz’s injuries were healing and she could walk with the aid of crutches, but the doctor had forbidden her to work outside the home, and she had to content herself with taking over the cooking and helping in the bar. Mrs Delaney returned at the beginning of December to do the cleaning, and that left Susan free to do overtime at the factory or to go into the lecture rooms and study. It was a vain hope that one day she might sit the exams that she must pass before she could get her pilot’s licence, but she was determined to seize any opportunity that came her way.
At first the security guard had questioned her, but she was now well known at the aerodrome, and if such behaviour was not countenanced by those in authority, the lesser beings were prepared to turn a blind eye. Each day her ambition to become a qualified pilot grew stronger. It seemed like an impossible dream, and to be accepted into the elite of the ATA was even more unlikely, but Susan had set her sights on her goal and nothing was going to stop her. Her motto was now that of the Air Transport Auxiliary: Aetheris Avidi, Eager for the Air, or as the ferry pool pilots said, any aircraft, anywhere.
She was in a lecture room one evening just before Christmas. She had stayed on after work in the hope of doing some quiet studying. Danny had offered to give her a lift home on the pillion of his motorbike but she had said that she was doing overtime. He must have known that it was ju
st an excuse as they worked in the same area, but he had accepted her refusal without comment. He spent most evenings in the pub although he only drank a couple of half-pints of bitter and passed most of the time chatting to Roz or the locals, amongst whom he was something of a favourite. Danny had the happy knack of getting on with almost everyone and he was one of the few people who could make Roz smile. Bob had noticed this and instantly approved. Susan suspected that he was attempting a bit of quiet matchmaking, and she was even more certain when he invited Danny to spend Christmas Day with them.
As for herself, Susan was not looking forward to spending another Christmas without Tony. It had been bad enough last year when she had been living in the flat with his father and Aunt Maida, but her feelings for him then had been little more than a schoolgirl crush. Now she knew it was the real thing, and the prospect of a lengthy separation was almost too hard to hear. She chewed the end of her pencil, staring at the textbook in front of her but she could not concentrate. It was bitterly cold and her fingers were numb. She closed the book and was about to get up when the door opened. She froze, hoping that it was just the security officer who would give her a nod and a wink and leave her to it, but as she turned her head she saw Elspeth standing in the doorway.
‘Darling, what a little swot you are.’ Elspeth sauntered over to the desk and flipped the textbook open. ‘Navigation. So you’re still hankering after getting your wings.’
It was a statement rather than a question and Susan nodded wordlessly.
Elspeth pulled up a chair and sat down beside her. ‘D’you know, sweetie, you may be a pain in the neck sometimes, but I rather admire you for your guts and persistence.’
‘I didn’t encourage Colin,’ Susan said, averting her gaze. ‘I wouldn’t do a thing like that, and I’m sorry if I left you in the lurch.’
‘It’s water under the bridge, darling.’ Elspeth closed the book and pushed it towards her. ‘You’d better scram. I think the Head Girl is on the prowl. It really is like being back in the sixth form, but I’m having a frightfully good time. I’ve qualified for the ferry pool now, you know. I’ll be doing my first delivery tomorrow and I simply can’t wait.’ She rose to her feet. ‘Good luck with the studies, Susan. Stick to it and one day you might get your pilot’s licence.’
‘So you’re not going to report me then?’ Stowing her textbooks into her handbag, Susan stood up.
‘Now would I do such a thing to a fellow aviator?’ Elspeth’s laughter echoed round the lecture room. She put her arm around Susan’s shoulders and gave her a hug. ‘Darling, I have a lot to thank you for.’
‘You have?’ Susan stared at her in amazement.
‘Your friend the barmaid is welcome to my husband, and I’ll soon be a free woman. Daddy’s paying for the divorce and he’s acknowledged the fact that my marriage to Patrick was a huge mistake. If the baby had lived things might have been different, but I don’t think so. Poor old Pat bored me to death and I can’t stand the smell of the stables or the farmyard. I was never cut out to be a vet’s wife.’
‘So will you marry Colin?’
Elspeth threw up her hands in mock horror. ‘Heavens, no. Can you imagine what my life would be like married to a man I couldn’t trust for a minute? I adore Colin, but he has to be kept firmly in his place. I like it better that way.’ Elspeth cocked her head on one side, listening. ‘I know those footsteps. Sit tight for a moment, sweetie, and I’ll head her off at the pass. Then you’d better make tracks.’ Moving with the stealth of a panther on the prowl, Elspeth left the room.
Susan could hear voices in the corridor and then they faded away. That was a near one. She did not want to get on the wrong side of the head of the ferry pool, and if she was found out it would mean an end to her studies. She grabbed her coat and hat and hurried out of the lecture room. She left the building, still struggling into her outdoor things.
‘Here, let me help you.’
She jumped, clutching her hand to her chest as her heart missed a beat. ‘Tony.’
‘They told me you were working late. God, I’ve missed you, Susan.’
She was lost in the warmth of his embrace. The buttons on his greatcoat dug into her flesh but she did not care. She gave herself up to the exciting sensations that rippled through her body. ‘Tony,’ she whispered as he released her lips, giving her a chance to draw breath. ‘I can’t believe that you’re here.’
‘I’ve got a twenty-four hour pass, sweetheart. I can’t get leave at Christmas but it’s only a week away so this is the next best thing. I couldn’t go a day longer without seeing you.’ He linked his arm around her waist. ‘Let’s get you home, it’s bloody freezing out here.’
‘I don’t care. Nothing matters now you’re here.’ She fished in her pocket for her pass as they reached the perimeter gates, showing it to the guard, who waved them through. Once outside the gates, Susan slowed her pace. ‘How did you know where I was?’
‘I went to the pub first and Bob told me you were probably working late, then Danny wandered in and said you were still at the factory. I was coming in to look for you when you walked straight into my arms.’ He stopped, pulling her close to him and kissing her hungrily. ‘You don’t know how many times I’ve imagined this moment, sweetheart. I go to sleep thinking about you and you’re in my dreams. I can’t get you out of my mind.’
Breathless and dazed by the intensity of his desire, Susan slid her arms around his neck. ‘Me neither. It’s been awful without you, and I thought you were having such a good time without me.’
He tilted her chin and answered her with a kiss. ‘I love flying, but I love you more. If I were to lose you …’ He broke off, shaking his head.
In the moonlight she could see tears glistening on the tips of his thick lashes. She pulled his head down and caressed his eyelids with her lips. ‘You won’t lose me, Tony Richards. I’m stuck to you like glue.’
He brushed her cheek with his fingertips. ‘Do you mean that?’
‘Of course I do. I love you.’
‘And I love you too.’ He hesitated, looking deeply into her eyes. ‘I promised myself that I’d take things slowly and not rush you into anything, but this damned war is turning everything upside down. I want to ask you something, darling …’ His arms tightened around her as the air raid siren started its dismal wailing sound. ‘We’d best take cover.’
‘No. Not until you tell me what you were going to say.’
The air around them was suddenly filled with the crump, crump of anti-aircraft guns followed by the whistle of bombs falling and the reverberating thuds of the explosions as they landed on their targets. On the other side of the river the sky over Southampton was lit up by fire and smoke billowed up to form dense clouds above the city. They stood close together, watching in silence. Susan could feel Tony’s heart thudding against his ribs as she slipped her hands beneath his greatcoat. They might have been watching a film at the cinema except that this was real and even at this distance the acrid smell of burning filled her nostrils. ‘Poor things,’ she murmured. ‘Is it never going to end?’
‘Not yet, but at least the Yanks joined in after Pearl Harbor. Together we stand more of a chance against Jerry.’ He hugged her closer. ‘Let’s get you home. You should be in Bob’s shelter, not standing out here in the bitter cold watching Southampton cop it.’
‘I’m safe when I’m with you,’ she said as they turned their backs on the horrific scene and started walking towards the pub. ‘You still haven’t told me what it was you were going to say just now.’
He pulled her into a shop doorway. ‘I was going to ask you to marry me, Susan.’
‘You were?’ She could hardly speak. Her head was spinning and her heart pounding with joy such as she had never known. She had imagined him saying these words but not in the middle of an air raid on a bitterly cold night with frost sparkling on the tarmac road surface and icing the roof tiles on the buildings.
He laid his finger on her lips. ‘I would have lo
ved to do it over a romantic meal for two with candles and flowers; the lot. But now there won’t be time for any of that, because I’m afraid there’s something else.’
She was trembling now; shaking from head to foot. Her teeth were chattering as if she was standing naked in the snow. ‘What is it? Don’t do this to me, Tony.’
‘I’m back in the RAF. I passed the medical and they said I was fit for active service.’
‘No. You can’t be. You were going to be relatively safe at Hawarden, working in the ferry pool. They can’t do that to us.’
‘They can, and they have, my darling. I’m returning to Bomber Command. I’ll be leaving tomorrow lunchtime for a base in East Anglia. I can’t tell you more than that.’
She stared at him in disbelief, her world suddenly crumbling about her ears.
Chapter Nineteen
‘What are you two doing out here?’ Ted Hollis, the local taxi driver and ARP warden, stood arms akimbo, glaring at them. ‘You should be in a shelter. Get along with the pair of you.’
Taking Susan by the hand, Tony gave him a brief salute. ‘You’re right, of course, but I’ve just proposed and she hasn’t had a chance to answer.’
Never known for his sense of humour, Ted tuttutted and cast his eyes heavenwards. ‘You won’t be able to marry her if you both get blown to bits. Get going.’
Shocked by Tony’s announcement coming on top of a proposal of marriage, and faced with a pompous official, Susan started to giggle.
‘You won’t find it so funny if a bomb drops out of the sky, miss. Now be sensible and do what I say.’ Ted Hollis marched off with an irritated twitch of his shoulders.
‘He’s right. Come on, Susan.’ Tony broke into a run, dragging her towards the pub garden and the relative safety of the shelter. He stopped outside the door to pull her to him, claiming her mouth in an urgent kiss that bruised her lips and sent her pulses racing. She gave herself to the moment, oblivious to the mayhem that was happening all around them.
