Another Breath, Another Sunrise: A Holocaust Novel (Michal's Destiny Book 4)

by Roberta Kagan

  CHAPTER 32

  The children’s acting school didn’t start off with a bang. Gilde’s short moments of fame were not enough to generate a great deal of interest and a huge influx of students. Still, the students who did sign up were children of well-to-do parents willing to make donations to support the arts. They were excited about the idea of seeing their children in productions even if they were only performed on a makeshift stage in Gilde’s large living room. And so Gilde Thornbury’s School for the Performing Arts began. The parents of students recommended the classes to friends, and before she knew it Gilde had ten very dedicated students, seven girls and three boys, all pre-teens. It was fun and rewarding for Gilde to watch them grow in the craft she loved so much. But at night after Vicky went to bed she was terribly lonely and her thoughts always turned to Alden. She wondered how he was doing. If he ever thought about her, if he ever remembered the good times they shared.

  Because of Alden’s love for Christmas, Gilde had come to love the spirit of the holiday too. It was only a week until Christmas and she wanted to buy small gifts for each of her students. Alden had shown her the joy of giving. Each Christmas the two of them had gone out and purchased small gifts for his coworkers and sometimes, when they could afford to, they bought small gifts of food for the poor. Shopping for little presents for her students whom she adored would make her feel good, Gilde decided. So, she dressed Vicky warmly and took her in a taxi to Harrods. The store was decorated for Christmas. Not nearly as elaborately as it had been before the war, but the most festive it had been since. However instead of making Gilde feel warm and joyful, the holiday atmosphere left her empty and alone. She thought she would enjoy an entire day walking through the store and making her selections. Instead what she found was that she wanted to hurry, buy her gifts, and go home. It was noon when Gilde finished. She was hungry, famished in fact. I should have had something for breakfast, she thought. But it had been almost a week since she’d gone food shopping, and she had nothing to eat in the apartment except for Vicky’s cereals and milk. So, after Gilde made her purchases she and Vicky stopped at the restaurant inside of Harrods for a quick lunch. Just a few tables away from where Gilde was seated, a woman sat alone. There was something terribly familiar about the woman. In fact, Gilde couldn’t help but stare. All she could see was the side of the woman’s face. The way her hair fell across the nape of her neck. The way she moved her hand to push the hair back from her face, how she crossed her legs. And the way she held her fork. There was no mistaking this woman; it was undeniable, and yes, she was older, but it was Jane. Gilde felt like she might vomit. If Jane turned even the slightest bit, they would be face to face. So many different emotions came rushing like the rapids in a river. Once, long ago, Jane had been her best friend, her savior. When she first came to London on the Kindertransport, it was Jane who had taken her under her wing. Jane had forced the other girls in school to accept Gilde. Jane’s parents had taken Gilde into their home and treated her with the utmost kindness. Then Thomas ruined everything. He was the most handsome boy in school and Jane was mad about him. Every night she told Gilde how she felt. So, when Thomas declared his love for Gilde, Gilde was sick with fear. She rejected Thomas, but she could not bring herself to tell Jane what had happened. Then when war broke out and Thomas was leaving for the army, he took it upon himself to tell Jane how he felt about Gilde. From that day on everything changed between Jane and Gilde. It didn’t matter that Gilde had no interest in Thomas. The closeness between the two girls began to dissolve slowly until Jane was completely disconnected from the friendship. It broke Gilde’s heart. They had been best friends, sharing everything. But that was over, and Jane never even told Gilde when she decided to go for nurses training. Instead she announced her plans to the entire family at the dinner table one night. Then just like that, she was gone, off to train. Gilde had never felt so lost. She wished that she and Jane could be close again, like sisters, that they could be a comfort to each other. But that never happened. Gilde had not been in communication with Jane. It had been years since she’d even heard Jane’s name. Then Alden had brought Jane back into her life. But not in the way she would have wished for. Alden, her beloved husband had left her for her for Jane, her once, dearest friend... The betrayal had hurt more than she could have ever imagined. Gilde still couldn’t believe that the entire affair between Alden and Jane had snuck up on her. That she had no idea what was going on until it was too late. Jane was a nurse working with Alden, giving him the time and attention that Gilde had forgotten to shower on her husband when she began her career in the theater. It wasn’t that she’d ever stopped loving Alden.She’d just gotten caught up and she took his love for granted. A terrible mistake, she thought.

  “Gilde…” Jane said.

  Gilde forced a smile. “It’s been a long time,” she said.

  “No sense in trying to have a conversation from across the room. May I join you?” Jane asked.

  Was she serious? Gilde was caught off guard. She owed Jane so much, and yet she was so angry and hurt. “Yes of course,” Gilde said, not knowing what else to do.

  As Jane got up and walked over to sit down at Gilde’s table, Gilde couldn’t help but think about Jane and Alden making love. Her stomach was turning. Before she sat down, Jane leaned over and looked into Vicky’s buggy. Vicky had fallen asleep.

  “She’s beautiful. Alden said she was beautiful,” Jane said. How is she so calm? It’s unnerving, Gilde thought The mention of Alden’s name sent a shiver up Gilde’s spine.

  Jane sat across from her. The memories of giggling in bed until the wee hours of the morning when they were just children kept coming back to Gilde. The sadness of loss was overwhelming.

  A young waitress with a bright smile, pen and paper in hand, walked over. “Can I take your order?” Gilde had lost her appetite. “Tea please,” she told the waitress.

  “I’ll have the same,” Jane replied. “And an order of fish and chips.”

  The waitress walked away and an awkward silence fell like a fog between them.

  “I miss the beauty of Christmas the way it was before the war,” Jane said wistfully.

  Gilde could hardly breathe. There was so much she wanted to say but could not find a beginning or an end. Her feelings were so jumbled. This was Jane sitting across from her. The closest friend she’d ever had, and the toughest betrayal and enemy she’d ever known.

  “He was my husband…” Gilde finally whimpered. Then she put her head in her hands. There was a strained silence. It seemed like a long time before she began to speak again. “I know I owe you and your family a great deal, but Jane … Alden and I were married. For God’s sake, Jane, he was my husband.”

  Jane’s eyes were shining, and it suddenly became clear to Gilde that in a strange way Jane was enjoying this. Jane must have wanted to punish Gilde for what she perceived as stealing Thomas from her. That wasn’t the way it really happened. Gilde didn’t take him from her. She would never have done that. But that wasn’t how Jane saw it. And now, Gilde could see the triumph in Jane’s face.

  “When Alden and I met we became friends. He had so much time on his hands he was working extra shifts so as not to be home alone taking care of the baby. It must have been convenient for you, I mean, Alden taking care of your child so you can selfishly pursue your grand attempt at stardom. Let’s face it, Gilde, you were busy. You were always all show and glamour, weren’t you?”

  “No, Jane, I was a shy young girl, innocent, foreign when I met you. You were my best friend. You were….”

  “And you went behind my back and used your big breasts and sexy little ways to seduce Thomas.”

  “No, Jane. No, that’s not what happened. Not at all.”

  “Well, it’s how things ended up, isn’t it? Anyway, as far as you and Alden and this marriage…. Gilde, you were on your way to becoming a famous actress. It seemed to me that you had lost interest in him, in being a wife to him. Alden and I got along. We have a lot in co
mmon.”

  “Jane? You don’t understand. I loved him, I really loved him. I just got caught up-“

  “The way I once loved Thomas?”

  “I can’t believe that after all these years you are still holding that against me. I swear to you, I never encouraged Thomas.”

  “You ruined my life. I loved you and made you my best friend. You came to Britain without any friends or family, with no money, with nothing. It was me who stood up for you when everyone turned their back on you. My family housed you, fed you when we barely had enough food ourselves. But what we had we shared with you. Then you turned on me and took the only man I loved. You knew how I felt about him. I told you in confidence. We talked about him every night. You knew he was the man I wanted to marry, Gilde.”

  “I never took him, Jane. I never wanted him.”

  “Be serious, Gilde. I’ve played this over in my mind for years. Something happened that night that we went to the dance. You were with that boy, I can’t remember his name. I was with Thomas. And you knew how I felt about Thomas. But then Thomas danced with you, and after that dance, everything between Thomas and me changed. I don’t know what you said. I don’t know if you promised him something, and then began meeting him secretly. All I know is that you had to do something to encourage his feelings or he could not have fallen so hard for you. I hated you then, Gilde. All the love I had for you turned to hate.”

  The waitress put the cups down on the table. Neither Gilde nor Jane touched their tea.

  “So, you met Alden and when you found out he was married to me, you decided to take him away from me to punish me for Thomas.”

  “Sort of. I suppose so. Actually, yes, exactly. But don’t try to tell that to Alden. I’ll deny every word of it and you will only look like a jealous, foolish woman.”

  “Oh Jane, my God. Do you care about him at all?”

  “I love him now. I’ve gotten to know what a wonderful man he is and I love him. I am pregnant with his child.”

  “The ink isn’t even dry on my divorce papers and already you are having a baby.“

  “We got married the day the divorce was finalized.”

  “If you wanted to hurt me you succeeded,” Gilde said.

  “Yes, well, I had to get pregnant. At first, he missed Vicky like crazy. I was afraid he’d go back to you just to see the child. I know she’s not his. He told me. But he loved her. Now he will have his own and he’ll forget you and he’ll forget Vicky.”

  “And so you have your revenge, Jane. It may mean nothing to you, but I want you to know that I never did anything to hurt you with Thomas. Never. And, I loved you, Jane. You were my best friend, my sister. I loved your family and appreciated them beyond measure. And because I loved you so much the hurt that I am feeling now is so much deeper than it would have been if this had happened with a stranger. There is nothing I can say or do to change anything. I made a mistake. I was star struck for a while and lost my way. But you needn’t worry. I won’t come looking for Alden. He is happy with you. You say that you love him. I want him to be happy, because I love him too. For years, years, Jane, I missed you, I loved you, I wished that somehow I could find you and make things right between us. But you win, you’ve succeeded. I don’t love you anymore.”

  Gilde stood up, straightened her back, and lifted her chin. Then she put her arms through her overcoat. Her hands were trembling as she went into her handbag and took out a few coins, dropping them on the table to cover the bill. Then without another word to Jane, she picked up her shopping bag and pushed Vicky’s pram out of the restaurant.

  Then, still trembling, she got on the elevator. “What floor, Ma’am” the elevator operator asked.

  “Ground floor please.”

  The elevator door opened to a store filled with holiday shoppers. This trip made Gilde feel worse than she did before she left. She was hoping it would brighten her spirits; instead, she saw, of all people, Jane. A quick glance into the buggy reassured Gilde that Vicky was still sleeping. She put Vicky’s coat and hat on, trying not to disturb her. Vicky was groggy from all of the excitement of the morning and she lay down and fell back to sleep. I’ll feed her when we get home, Gilde thought. Then she put a heavy blanket over her daughter and kept walking until she was out of the department store. A light dusting of snow covered the sidewalk. Large, powdery flakes fell into Gilde’s hair and mingled with the tears that stung her cheeks. She overheard a man and woman talking. They were saying something about the snow looking like it would turn into a winter storm, but she didn’t care. All she knew was she wanted to get home, as far away from Harrods as she could. She was glad she’d purchased some food at Harrods before she had seen Jane. It would hold her and Vicky over for a few days. Later in the week, she’d call a babysitter to come over for a few hours so she could go out and shop for food.

  “Taxi…” Gide walked close to the curb, still holding tight to Vicky’s pram. Then she raised her hand. A young cabbie maneuvered his car over to pick up the fare. Gilde held Vicky in her arms while the cabbie put Vicky’s buggy into the car. It was a relief to hide her tears in the backseat of the cab. She was glad to be getting out of the Knightsbridge area before someone recognized her and asked her for an autograph. All she wanted right now was to be alone.

  CHAPTER 33

  Alden December 1945

  Dr. Alden Thornbury sat by himself in the doctors dining room. He had been working since early that morning without a break and had finally stopped to grab a quick meal in the cafeteria. He watched the snow fall outside the window. What had started as a light dusting earlier that morning was now turning into a storm, a blizzard. He was concerned because Jane, his wife, had taken the day off work to go to Harrods to do her Christmas shopping. She was pregnant and he was concerned about her being out in this weather. The temperature had dropped and therefore there would be frozen patches of ice hidden beneath the snow. She might slip and fall. Anything could happen.

  When did I become such a nervous man? Alden shook his head. He loved Jane, and he was happy and excited that he was about to be the father of his first biological child. Jane was a good wife, and a good friend. She never complained about his long work hours and always made sure she had food ready when he came home. Yes, he loved her. But he wasn’t madly in love with her. Not the way he’d been with Gilde. Alden had tried many times to recreate the passion and intensity of emotion he had for Gilde with Jane, but it wasn’t possible. In fact he couldn’t help thinking or dreaming about Gilde. He could still remember the way he shivered when Gilde’s long golden curls had fallen on his chest after they made love. Gilde. She was like a bright shooting star that had come into his life and illuminated it until it was as bright as the sun. For a short while, he believed he’d been able to make her happy. His love for her was so intense that it made his heart feel like it might explode, and for a while, it had been enough. But then, she was too bright, too sparkling for the life he offered. The stage swept her away from him. Then he knew. From the first time he saw her perform and watched as the audience went wild, he knew he’d lost her. Oh, he believed that she loved him. But Gilde was bigger than that love. Her light encompassed the world. That was obvious by the way the audiences stood up applauding madly as soon as she took her bows. The day finally came when he had to face the facts that even though he loved her, she was better off without him. If he’d stayed with her, he would have held her back. That would have been selfish. And he cared too much about her happiness to be selfish.

  Gilde didn’t call him when she received the divorce papers. In fact she’d signed them quickly. A part of him hoped she would contact him and beg him to come home even though he felt he was doing what was best for her. Still, when the divorce was finalized Alden had been devastated, but Jane was there, caring, gentle, and loving Jane. They would make a life together. She promised him, he would be happy. She was a nurse, so she understood that as a doctor he would be expected to work long hours and be called in to work on a case at the la
st minute. She knew that this was the life of a physician and she expected no different from him. Jane was kind to him, compassionate about his failed marriage. She knew he was still in love with Gilde. Alden would never lie to her. But she wanted to marry him anyway. And he knew that he should feel blessed. He should be grateful to have such a wonderful woman as his wife. But his heart and his mind were constantly at battle. His heart longed for Gilde’s golden curls, the nights they shared that brought him to places of passion he never knew existed, while his mind told him… Jane understands you, she will make you a good wife.

  Stop thinking about the past, about the woman who makes you crazy with desire, or you might go out of your mind, Alden warned himself. Be grateful for what God has given you, or you might lose what you have. He was suddenly afraid that a part of him might be wishing to be rid of Jane. His heart started racing as he watched the blizzard outside the window. If something happened to her in the storm, he would blame himself.

  Every few minutes throughout the rest of Alden’s work shift, he said prayers for Jane’s safety and the well- being of their unborn child. Dear God, I am grateful for all you have given me. Please don’t think I don’t appreciate your sending me a good and kind woman, he thought as he stitched up a deep cut on a child’s finger. Thank you for all you have given me, a wife who is going to have my baby, he thought as he listened to the heartbeat of an old man. Finally his shift was over. It was so cold that the snow had hardened on the ground and still more continued falling. Alden was exhausted, but he couldn’t wait to open the door to his flat and be reassured that Jane was all right. He had no idea why he was feeling so fearful, but he could not shake the trepidation. As he turned the door handle and walked inside, his heart beat so fast that he felt dizzy. It was very early morning. Jane should still be asleep. But she wasn’t. The smell of bacon frying filled the small apartment. Jane was alright. She was standing at the stove making his breakfast. Thank you, God, thank you. Forgive me for my thoughts of Gilde.