by K. Leah
A knock at the door startles me. I totally forgot that our parents were waiting for us across the street at the Café. “Oh no… our parents!” I shout as we both jump off the couch. I open the front door to see my mom standing there with a worried look on her face.
“Clara, honey… what’s wrong?” she asks, grabbing me up in a hug.
Of course, I start crying. Again. “Oh, mama… I’m sorry…. I forgot….” I can tell the moment she spots Drew because her arms tense around me. She pulls back from our embrace and asks, “Is something going on?”
Sniffing as I wipe my eyes, Drew comes up and says, “Yeah, it’s kind of my fault she’s upset. I gave her some bad news a little while ago. I’m sorry… that’s why we are so late.” Mom has a strange look on her face. Her eyes keep darting back and forth between Drew and me.
“I’m sorry… we just got caught up in the conversation and forgot about everyone waiting on us,” I tell her, wiping my eyes again.
“So… what’s this bad news?” Mom asks. I shrug, not sure if I can say the words, so Drew steps up and wraps his arm around my shoulder.
“I got the internship in California.”
“Oh,” Mom says, her gaze drifting to the floor.
“And… I will be gone for a year,” Drew continues.
I break out into sobs again, and Mom pulls me into another hug. Drew is standing there with his hands in his pockets, kicking the air with his feet. No one says anything. My mom knows. We don’t have to tell her anything else. After a minute, she pulls back and grabs a tissue off the counter, handing it to me.
“Well, we have a whole room full of family waiting for us at the restaurant across the street. I need you to go wash your face and pull yourself together.” Then she looks at Drew and says, “Why don’t you go on over, and I’ll walk with Clara. Ok.” It wasn’t a question but rather a statement.
Looking at me one last time he says, “Yes ma’am,” and walks out the door.
I half expect Mom to give me a lecture, but she doesn’t. She remains quiet and follows me back to my room. She hangs up my cap and gown while I splash cold water on my face. When I walk out of the bathroom, she takes my hand in hers.
“Everything is going to be okay, Clara. However, right now, I need you to hold it together. Now is a time of celebration for our families. We are so proud of you and Drew, and all you two have accomplished in your college careers.” I stifle a laugh, and she brushes my hair from my face. “I love you, Clara. Now let’s go eat.”
We walk in silence the short distance across the street to the packed restaurant. I spot Drew sitting beside his sister, and he has left an empty chair for me beside him. Smiling, I sit down and greet everyone. No one asks any questions and Drew places his hand on my knee giving it a reassuring squeeze. The sympathetic look in his eyes conveys the meaning behind the gesture. I’m not going to cry in front of all these people, so I swallow the lump in my throat and join the party.
12
Transition…it’s for the birds
One week later I am standing in the driveway at Drew’s house, leaning against his parents' minivan. His suitcases have been loaded in the back, packed with the few belongings allowed on the flight. Yesterday his parents held a going away party and allowed me to spend the night at their house, so we could soak up as much time together as possible. We stayed up late, but I finally made him go to bed around 2 am since he has a long flight today. I have tried not to dwell on the word relocation. Instead, I am thinking of it more as a temporary residence, in hopes he will put in his year and then move back.
Our bodies are as close as they can get, and neither one of us wants to let go of the other. “I’m going to miss you so much, Drew,” I tell him, breathing him in so I can remember how this moment feels until we can see each other again.
“You promised you wouldn’t cry… remember?” Drew says, squeezing me even tighter. I sniffle but refuse to let any tears fall. I’ve cried enough over the past week to fill a river, and I will not let him leave with the memory of seeing an ugly, red-face, snot-slinging girl.
“I won’t. I’m keeping my promise,” I tell Drew, reaching onto my tiptoes to kiss him again.
“We have to leave soon so I can catch my flight. Let me get one good, long look at you,” he says pulling me back and holding my face.
“You are so beautiful.” His face shows endearment, and he pulls me back in, giving me a long kiss. “I love you, Clara.”
Reaching for one last hug and a peck on the cheek, I need him to know the same. “I love you too, Drew. So much.”
His parents come out of the house and nod at him to let him know it’s time to go. Tears threaten to fall, but I choke them back until he’s gone. His eyes are trained on me as they back out of the driveway and pull away. Drew waves his hand out the window, and then he's gone.
♦♦♦
In the beginning, we kept in touch as much as possible. The first two months were hard but not unbearable. We didn’t get to talk as much as I would have liked, but at least we kept some communication going. As planned, I started grad school in the Fall. Soon, between the time difference, lots of schoolwork, and dwindling free time, it became hard to communicate at all. So many nights I stayed up late, waiting for his call, only to fall asleep and miss it. When we realized that phone calls were difficult due to the time difference, we tried emailing. That didn’t go as planned either.
By September, Drew was so busy with his internship that there was very little down time on his end. Or so he said. There was also the excuse that the company was very strict on using the internet for personal reasons during work time. He said they monitored him like a hawk. He didn’t own a personal computer, so the only time he could email was when he was at a friend's house or the library. And, well, since he worked all the time, you know where that led… no time for that.
I missed him so badly. I cried myself to sleep many nights while willing the phone to ring or to hear the computer say, You’ve got mail. I craved reassurance...anything to hear his voice or know he was thinking about me. I kept thinking about the fight we had on graduation day, and how he promised to make us work. His words, “It’s only a year, Clara,” ran a constant loop in my head.
Whatever. I never understood how two people, who were so much in love, couldn’t find time to talk to each other. I also tortured myself with thoughts of Drew being on the opposite side of the country, surrounded by a bunch of young and pretty twenty-somethings. That would distract anyone. Lord knows just looking at Drew was distracting enough.
Just when I began to think all was lost, a sliver of hope came through. Right before the Christmas holidays, Drew made last minute plans to fly home for a long weekend. I was so excited to see him that I had big red X-marks on my calendar, counting down the days. He had given me his flight schedule, and I planned to surprise him by picking him up at the airport. I had called his parents a couple of days before and told them that I would deliver him to their door.
When the day arrived, I drove to the airport and waited at the terminal for him to walk through the doors. I wore a denim mini-skirt and a light pink sweater that Drew loved. I wanted to look my best for him since it had been so long since we had last seen each other.
I took a seat by the window and watched as planes came and went. When Drew's flight finally arrived, I stood up and watched passengers exit the jetbridge. Anticipation built with each man, woman, and child that exited the plane. I watched, hoping Drew would be next.
So, I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
I panicked, thinking I had the wrong flight information, but upon checking with the flight attendant, she assured me that I was at the correct gate and that all passengers had exited. Worried, I walked to baggage claim thinking that I missed him somehow. He wasn’t there either. An uneasy feeling swept over me. Drew didn’t know I was meeting him, but still, I couldn’t imagine that he passed by without noticing me. I found the closest pay p
hone and dialed his parent’s number to see if he happened to be home, or they knew anything about his flight. His mom answered and informed me that something had come up at the last minute and Drew had to cancel his trip. She didn’t know much else except that he said he would call me when he could.
Deflated, I left the airport and made the 45-minute trip home in a blur. When I arrived back at my place, there was a blinking light on my answering machine. I pressed play and listened as Drew’s mom told me that plans had changed last minute, and Drew wasn't coming. She had been hoping to catch me before I left for the airport. Obviously, I missed that call.
I sat on the couch for a while just staring into blank space. I couldn’t imagine what in the world could have come up for Drew to cancel his plans to come home and at Christmas of all times. A little while later I opened my computer to hear, “You’ve got mail.”
An unread message from Drew sat in my inbox:
From: Drew Cason
Sent: Friday, December 22, 1997 8:09AM
To: Clara Willet
Subject: I’m SO Sorry!
Dear Clara,
I’m really sorry, but I'm not going to be able to visit this weekend. I was pulled in for last-minute training out of the country. The company refunded my airfare, so hopefully, I can find some time to try to reschedule another trip. I’m not sure when. I only get two days off for Christmas, and I'm not sure when I will have any days off again.
Over and over again these past few months I’ve failed at being a boyfriend. As lame as this excuse sounds, I don’t have any extra time. This internship is truly kicking my butt, and I’ve had to pour all of myself into it. I’m working 12 hour days, weekends, everything. But as much as they are working me, I love it. It’s everything I could ever want and more. It’s hard for you to understand though. I know that.
Clara, they are giving me opportunities here that I NEVER imagined! That’s what happened today. They chose a group of 5 to go to China for exclusive training with the parent company there. I think this company is going places and they want to take me with them. I have to believe I was chosen for this position for a reason. I’m learning so much and growing by leaps and bounds in this industry.
I guess this long distance relationship isn’t working out quite like we planned. I know I can’t be there for you right now, and it kills me to think that I might be a distraction for you. I don’t want to hold you back from any of your dreams. I don’t want you to worry about what I’m doing, or if I will get a chance to call. I want you to focus on grad school and do your best. That’s what is most important for you right now.
I’ve always heard that if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours. If it doesn't, then it was never yours, to begin with. So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m setting you free, Clara.
Your love has meant more to me than you could ever imagine, and I’m so grateful for our time together. I hope this is only a break and not goodbye. I guess time will tell.
You are going to do big things, and I hope one day I will be a part of them as well.
With Love,
Drew
Part II
13
Moving On
Present Day
I look up from the computer screen to see Angie, my assistant, standing in the doorway, holding a stack of papers. “Excuse me, Miss Willet. I've prepared the documents you requested. Would you like to review them before I send them to corporate?”
She is sweet, young, vibrant, pretty, and in love. Oh, that "love part" gets me every time. I can't help but notice the little diamond on her left hand each time she hands me a stack of papers. A sad smile creeps across my face. It’s nothing more than a mere dot on her finger, but it represents something special - a testament to love shared with a man who cares deeply for her.
Angie met Charles here, at the office. I always thought he was a bit quirky, but Angie looked beyond that. After many lingering mail deliveries, flushed cheeks, and long glances, Charles finally gathered up the courage to ask her on a date, and their story began. They may not have much by way of fancy things or high paying jobs, but they have love. That’s what counts the most. Money can buy things, but it can’t buy love.
“Yes, thank you, Angie. I’ll get them back to you in an hour or so.”
Thinking about Angie and Charles slips me into a daydream about the love I once had. The last time I saw Drew Cason, he was sitting in the back of his parents’ van, headed to California. The email he sent telling me he wasn’t coming home for Christmas that year was one of the last bits of communication we had. It seemed that once the holidays were over, he dropped off the face of the earth.
Eight months into his internship, I thought he would be telling me how excited he was that it was coming to an end so we could finally be together again. Instead, all ties were severed. He stopped responding to my emails, so I quit sending them. I talked to his parents a few times after the Christmas he didn’t come home, and they told me he had accepted a position overseas with the company and was doing well. I guess his career ended up being more important than me.
I truly loved Drew, and if I’m honest with myself, I still do. I guess not having closure makes me hold on to something I think could still be mine. Even after all this time, I still think about him. What is he doing now? Does he still live overseas, or is he back in the states? I wonder if he got a real job with the big, hotshot company that stole him away from me.
I would like to think if our love story had existed in today’s generation, we could have made it work. With texting and FaceTime, I think we could have stayed connected easier, but we didn’t have any of that back then. We were poor with no money for a flight or time for a three-day drive. Phone calls, letters, and email were all we had.
After I finished grad school, I moved back to Virginia where I landed a job at a large marketing corporation in Richmond. Working in the city was very different from the slower pace of the small town of South Springs, North Carolina where I had spent six years in college. It was good though because it kept me moving, with no time to think about what Drew Cason was doing in this world.
I’m sure he’s married by now. He probably lives in suburbia with a beautiful wife, two kids, a dog, a cat, and drives a minivan. Every few months I type his name into Facebook, hoping to get a glimpse of him, but he doesn’t seem to have an account. I guess that’s a good thing for me. As much as it hurts to think about him living his perfect life, actually seeing it would probably be worse.
Drew is probably the main reason I have commitment issues with men today, and more importantly, the reason I am still single at 38 years old. I’ve dated. I have, but six months is about my max with a guy. Honestly, there have only been maybe two relationships that even lasted that long. After so many excuses of I can’t go out tonight because I have to work or I’m out of town again, a guy gets tired of being put on the back burner and moves on. So, I guess you can say I date my work.
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will probably be single the rest of my life. As I creep past the prime of my life, I realize most of my friends have settled down, are married with kids, and some are even sending their kids off to college in few years. I’ve tried to hold on to hope that my someday will come, but the outlook is dim.
“Miss Willet… you have a phone call on line two.” My assistant buzzes into my office as it snaps me out of my daydream. “Got it… thanks, Angie.”
“Clara Willet,” I answer.
“Clara, it’s Wes McDowell from TradEx. I have those numbers ready for you that we discussed last week. I'm emailing them to you right now. I’d like to set up a meeting, so you can meet our new marketing director and get the ball rolling on this project,” he says.
“Sounds great, Mr. McDowell. I look forward to meeting her. I can fly out next week – how does Tuesday or Wednesday sound?"
“Perfect. I’ll have my assistant contact Angie to follow up with details, and we’ll get it
scheduled. I look forward to collaborating with you. I think this is going to do great things for our company.” I can hear the excitement in his voice.
Not to boast, but I’m good at what I do, and it’s why I’m the most requested consultant in my company. Therefore, my calendar stays full. Although my schedule can be hectic, the most enjoyable part of my job is seeing the country. I travel about nine months out of the year, which is a major downfall when it comes to dating, but I've visited so many different places. I’ve seen about every major city in the US and been to every state except Alaska.
I buzz my assistant. “Angie, Mr. McDowell’s assistant, will be contacting you to set up a meeting for next Tuesday or Wednesday. Schedule it for whatever time works best with my calendar.”
“Will do, Miss Willet.”
Angie is not only my co-worker, but she’s also a great friend, and we hang out sometimes when I’m not traveling. I live vicariously through her and her wedding plans because Lord knows I’m never going to have a wedding of my own. I stand and walk to the doorway of my office, looking out into the hustle and bustle of the large room. Angie is sitting at her desk, tapping away on the keyboard.
“You want to grab some lunch around the corner?” I ask Angie as my rumbling stomach speaks of its eagerness for food.
“Sorry Clara, but Charles is taking me to lunch today. He has the day off, and we are going for a picnic in the park. He’s bringing me KFC, and you know how much I like popcorn chicken,” she says with a big smile plastered on her face.
Blech. I can’t eat KFC anymore. I haven’t been able to for years because it reminds me of the day Drew asked me to be his girlfriend. I laid Colonel Sanders to rest the day I read Drew's "it's not you, it's me" email. Now I look the other way when I pass the sign with the guy wearing white hair and a beard.
