The first judge mumbled something about a “hypothesis.”
The second judge said, “Mumbo jumbo!”
The fourth said, “Crazy kids!”
Mrs. Finklehoffer’s nostrils flared and she waved her arms. The wind knocked one of my posters off the table.
Next the judges stopped at Brittany’s project and looked at all of her fancy posters.
“Oooooooh,” said the first judge.
“Aaaaaaah,” said the second.
“Impressive!” exclaimed the fourth.
Mrs. Finklehoffer smiled so big I could smell her hamster breath from ten feet away.
The judges told Brittany to go outside to demonstrate her fancy scientific sparkler.
Myron and I wanted to see it, too. So we followed them outside.
In the parking lot, Brittany put some steel wool inside a wire whisk that was tied to a rope.
Then she touched the steel wool to a battery.
The steel wool started smoking and she started spinning the rope.
Holy Neptune!
The steel wool started shooting out sparks everywhere!
I have to admit—it was a pretty smart idea!
Just then, out of nowhere, here comes Mooey trotting up to us! You could smell her coming first. PEEEEE—UUUUUUU!
You could tell she was still full of peanut butter!
She was leaking a trail of stinky gas.
“MOOEY!” I shouted. I was super galactically happy!
But then I realized that Raunchy Ralphie was riding her and he was wearing the biggest grin I’d ever seen.
I wanted to wipe it off his face!
“Whatcha doing, Orville Orbit?” Ralphie smirked. “Ya got enough gas for your stupid spaceship?”
Before I had a chance to knock his head off, one of the sparks from Brittany’s sparkler got too close to Mooey’s rump and it ignited the gas she was leaking!
Mooey took off like a rocket, warp drive, into the sky over Happy Hill!
“OOOOOOOH, NOOOOOOO!” shouted Ralphie.
You could see Ralphie almost cry, even from where Myron and I were standing.
Everyone was gasping and pointing.
Ralphie let out a high-pitched scream.
“Call 911!” shouted Mrs. Finklehoffer.
I’m a pretty nice kid. Usually.
But I hoped it would take a LONG time for help to arrive.
This was my happiest moment of fourth grade!
Science with Orville
Lesson 5
How To Make A Spinning Steel Wool Sparkler
You’ll need:
pad of steel wool
wire whisk
heavy string or a light rope
9-volt battery
a responsible adult!
First, pull apart the steel wool a bit to make some space between the fibers.
Put the steel wool inside the wire whisk.
Attach a rope to the end of the whisk.
Make sure you have your mom or dad helping you in case something goes wrong! And do this outside, away from flammable things like leaves.
When you’re ready, touch both terminals of the battery to the steel wool. The electricity will make the steel wool smolder.
But don’t worry! It won’t blow up or anything! Hold the rope, and start spinning it. The faster you spin it, the more air you’ll get to feed the fire.
Oh, yeah…duh…make sure no one is standing close to you. Unless it’s Principal Snot Grass (just kidding)!
To stop the sparkler, stop spinning the rope. When you’re done, dunk the whisk in a bucket of water to make sure the sparks are all put out.
It’s extra galactically awesome if you wait until dark to spin your sparkler so you can really see the sparks fly!
Chapter 12
Super Hanging Wedgie
It took an astronomical amount of time for help to arrive.
Ralphie screamed the whole time he was flying on Mooey.
I could have sworn I saw a wet spot on Ralphie’s jeans. I think he peed in his pants.
While Ralphie screamed, Mooey flew in circles all over the sky.
She was so full of gas that she soared for about five minutes before she ran out of fuel.
The judges were a-gassed!
They sounded like they thought Myron and I were trying to show something scientific.
One of them said, “Oh, my! What a creative way to demonstrate the principles of the Mooey Pooey Gas!”
Another judge shouted, “HOLY COW!”
The fourth judge yelled, “HYPOTHESIS PROVEN!”
“Huh?” I asked.
“Huh?” Myron repeated.
As Mooey came in for a landing, she got really close to a tall tree with long branches.
I held my breath and closed my eyes.
I mumbled a prayer for Mooey.
I looked up in time to see a tree limb snag Ralphie’s tightie whities. It snatched him right off Mooey!
Ralphie dangled from the limb.
The elastic from his undies streeeeeeeeetched so much that Ralphie’s body hung about a foot lower than the waistband of his undies.
His legs kicked like a centipede on 5 Hour Energy!
Everyone was pointing at Ralphie, and laughing like crazy.
Even Mrs. Finklehoffer started cracking up! Her laugh sounded sort of like a sick chicken cackling in the barnyard.
That almost made up for us not getting to launch the Mooey Ship.
Ralphie squirmed and kicked but couldn’t come close to getting off the tree limb.
The more he kicked, the more the wedgie grew.
Chapter 13
Post-Super Hanging Wedgie
Raunchy Ralphie still dangled from the tree limb. It was galactically wonderful to see him so astronomically embarrassed!
The fire department came and got Ralphie off the tree.
He was crying by then. I almost felt sorry for him. He must have been 100% squished inside the tightie whities by then!
But then I remembered what he had done to Mooey and Myron and me.
I smiled as wide as the rings of Saturn.
The look on Ralphie’s face was hilarious, and his kicking legs crack me up every time I think about it.
The Mooey Wedgie has got to be the best hanging wedgie in the history of the universe!
The judges LOVED our accidental demonstration of Elasticity vs. Gravity.
They didn’t care that it was an accident.
It was still SUPER SMART!
They were practically gushing all over us.
At first, we didn’t even know we had demonstrated a new science fair idea.
Then Judge #1 turned to me and Myron and said, “Brilliant!”
“Huh?” I asked.
Next, Judge #2 asked, “How did you execute your demonstration so perfectly?”
“Huh?” asked Myron.
It was very confusing but it started to dawn on me.
Mooey had given Ralphie a wedgie that proved a scientific principle!
Judge #3 said, “I believe we have the WINNER! These boys have truly shown the principle of elasticity versus gravity!”
“Huh?” asked Mrs. Finklehoffer.
The judges handed Myron and me the Happy Hill Science Fair Trophy for first place.
I was speechless!
Then Mooey walked up, smiling. It was the first time she smiled in days.
All that flying had expelled everything she’d been holding inside. The last of the gas stuck inside her came out in a big poof!
I said, “I think this trophy should go to Mooey. Without her poo and gas, we couldn’t have won the science fair.”
Mooey licked the trophy because she didn’t understand its astronomical value.
She tried to eat it, too, because she was really hungry after everything she went through.
The next day at school, I carried the trophy all day long.
I kept running into Principal Snot Grass and hoping he’d admire
it.
But he wouldn’t even look at it.
After school, I remembered that I still had something of his. I still had his Lucy’s Loosey Laxative!
So I went to the office to return it. He still wouldn’t look at me but he looked like he could use a swig to settle his intestines!
On Saturday, Myron and I went to visit Mooey. We were all glad the science fair was over.
But the smell of Mooey’s fresh poo inspired me once again!
“Myron, let’s start working on our science fair project for next year! A flying cow was pretty cool but we still need to get the spaceship launched.”
We had just fifty-one weeks to work on our galactically awesome fifth grade science fair project!
And I had a feeling Raunchy Ralphie wouldn’t be messing with us again!
Orville Orbit Page 3
