by Lily Foster
Caleb listened without judgment whenever I was in the frame of mind to share. He made me weep when he told me what I already knew but I needed to hear: that I wasn’t my parents, that I was just a kid and I had no control over what had happened then, and that what I’d done for myself, by myself, was amazing. I thought he was amazing too. He was the most kind and caring man I’d ever known.
I knew that I was heading for heartache. Just this, texting back and forth and an occasional phone call, was drawing me in so hard and so deep. I couldn’t help what I was feeling for him.
Two weeks before Christmas he wrote:
Merry almost Xmas. What r u doing for holidays?
Caitlin’s…I hate when people ask…makes me feel like little orphan annie!!!
Three exclamation points…is that equal like…to one smiley face?
Ha
Wanted u to know u could come here
Wouldn’t it b weird with Darcy?
Why? Oh wait…if we were together would u keep me as ur dirty little secret?
Me? Yeah right…what is it u sang to me the other day…hey 19? You’d b keeping me as ur secret.
Never. When r u gonna b 20 anyway?
Soon
Wow, u really don’t like to part with the personal info
Ouch
Sorry…
Have a Merry Christmas Caleb
U too
Two days later a package arrived for me. It was a beautiful black leather satchel from Hermes that must have cost a fortune. The note read:
For you, Rene
Merry Christmas,
Caleb
My heart was beating like a drum when I saw it was from him. We had just spoken about my resume going out and my hopes that I’d land some interviews soon for the upcoming summer internships. Guess he thought I’d need a power bag. He answered the phone on the first ring. “Do you like it?”
“I love it, but—”
He cut me off, “But blah, blah, blah. Stop talking. I saw it and I wanted to get it for you. It will look great when you go on your interviews. I know you don’t like people doing things for you but just please accept this. Don’t make it all complicated and awkward.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Okay. Thank you, Caleb. It is really beautiful.”
I heard about the interview for the internship the last week of January. Just getting the interview was a huge deal. I needed to be in New York next week for a Friday afternoon appointment. I would take the air shuttle down and even decided to splurge on a cab to the network offices so that I wouldn’t be frazzled about directions or worried about being late. I could struggle with the subway map on my way back to the airport. I also splurged on a beautiful cream-colored wool dress that looked professional but age appropriate and a pair of good heels. I had a beautiful bag, thanks to Caleb, and I would borrow jewelry and a coat from Caitlin; her closet was overflowing. You wouldn’t know it by her down to earth attitude but Caitlin could buy and sell just about anyone I knew.
I thought about telling Caleb that I’d be in town but I didn’t want to be distracted by thoughts of him. I needed to be on my A-game. I was also worried about coming off as too eager with him. Our conversations were one thing but I was pretty certain he wouldn’t want anything more than what we had going on now. I worried that he didn’t see me the way that I saw him.
Walking into ABC was not as I expected. I thought I might be overwhelmed or intimidated but I wasn’t. I felt energized, like I belonged there. I walked into a panel interview and was peppered with questions for close to an hour. I was happy with how it went. I felt that I demonstrated knowledge, had some solid field-specific experiences that I could share with them, and that they responded well to me. They wanted more contact information and specifics about my school schedule before they let me go. I thought that was a good sign. On Monday I would send emails to all three of them to thank them for the opportunity.
I felt great afterward and wanted to share what happened with the person who was quickly becoming, at the very least, one of my closest friends in the world. I texted:
Hey, r u around? I’m in the city.
NYC?
Does Boston qualify as the city?
Definitely not. Where r u?
Columbus and 66th.
ABC? Big time.
Hope so.
U like Italian?
Yes, and I’m starving.
Jump in a cab 10th ave 16th st
I saw him as we approached and had the driver drop me at the corner he was on. He looked so gorgeous in his navy blue suit. Before today, I realized I’d only seen him in jeans, board shorts and bare-assed. Yes, I was looking that night on the beach.
He quickly opened the door and reached over to pay the cabbie. When I protested, he just waved me off and then took my hand as I got out of the car. “Well, I’d hire you if I got to look at you dressed like this all day long.”
I felt something stir inside me. His comments were always just on the side of suggestive and flirtatious. Did he mean it? With him, I admit I did feel a bit young and naïve. I wasn’t sure I could handle someone like him. He kissed my cheek. “Hi, Caleb. Sorry to be so last minute.”
“Yeah, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to stay focused on what I was here for.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Are you saying that thinking of me distracts you from all sorts of important things? I like that.”
“You have an over-abundance of confidence. It’s irritating.”
“Ha.”
The hostess, who looked like she just walked off the runway herself, looked Caleb up and down appreciatively as he spoke and then when she looked at me, I got the feeling that being on this guy’s arm automatically granted you approval from everyone. We were seated right away, even though there were several groups waiting. He was probably used to this kind of treatment. “Do you always get seated right away?”
“Not if it’s a man hosting. Wait, unless he’s gay, and then yes.”
I told Caleb all about the interview. He seemed really interested, asked me lots of questions, and also thought the way the interview ended was very positive. We sat there for an hour, having just wine and bread and talking before we even ordered. The conversation moved to his job then and I found myself wanting to know everything about what he did. When the food was set before us Caleb said, “Ok, enough shop talk. Let’s get personal. Tell me about your old boyfriends.”
I practically choked as I laughed. “How much wine have you had?”
“Not much. I’m just curious about you, Rene. I want to know whose heart you’ve broken.”
“I hate to disappoint but I don’t have a long and lengthy resume in that department like I’m sure you do.”
“Ouch.”
“Really. I was too concerned with making it through the day-to-day in high school to date anyone seriously. Freshman year I dated a really nice guy named Will who had to leave after first semester when he lost his scholarship. Sophomore year I dated a football player named Ray who turned out to be a jerk.” I shrugged my shoulders then. “That’s all folks.”
“How was he a jerk?”
“He cheated on me when I didn’t sleep with him as quickly as he wanted.”
He nodded. “Us guys are dicks.”
“Can be.”
His eyes widened all of a sudden. “Wait. So does that mean what I think it does?”
A big freaking grin spread across his face as mine turned purple. “I’m not answering you, you big idiot.”
He laughed—big, bellowing laughs. “Holy crap, Beaumont. I’m not making fun, I’m just surprised.”
“Really? When I get laughed at like this I tend to think I’m being made fun of. Do you know how awful it is? When a guy finds out he either thinks I’m like the Madonna, too pure to touch, or he’s hell bent on changing my status. I should have just gotten it over with in high school like everyone else.”
&nb
sp; He stopped laughing but was smiling as he took my hands in his. “Yeah, it probably would have made your life easier, but for what it’s worth, I think it makes you special.”
I couldn’t even meet his eyes. “Ohmigod, I feel like crawling under the table.”
He gently coaxed my chin up with one finger. “Hey, don’t get all embarrassed on me. Now it’s your turn. You can ask me anything you want to know. Fair is fair.”
“I think the last shuttle leaves at eleven tonight. I really don’t think you have enough time to recount your dating history.”
He gave me his best smug, conceited face. “You’re probably right.”
I threw my napkin at him. “Moron.”
He laughed and covered his face defensively before he said back to me, “Prude.”
I couldn’t help but smile at him. He was a friend, a true friend and, I thought with a sad, desperate feeling, he was also the person I wanted to love me, all rolled into one.
“Hey Rene, I hate to break it to you but it’s already ten o’clock. If we hustle to the airport you might make the last shuttle but you might not. I don’t want to sound like a creep but my apartment isn’t far. Stay there tonight and you can head back tomorrow. And before you think this is part of some nefarious plan to change your status, I have an extra room. You can stay there if you’re feeling Madonna-ish.”
“Ok.”
“Wow, I think you’re getting easy in your old age. I thought I was going to have to plead with you for the next hour.”
“Shut it before I change my mind.”
Chapter Four
Caleb
Never in my life was I affected by a woman the way I was by Rene. My entire body felt wired whenever I was near her. She looked so damn beautiful stepping out of the cab. I felt proud of her. She looked professional and she had a confidence about her that wasn’t missing before but was just more noticeable now. She captivated me.
As soon as she agreed to stay at my place I wanted to get out of the restaurant. She was cute, and infuriating, when she offered to pay for dinner and only relented when I told her I’d rather have my dick cut off than have a girl pay when she was with me.
When I took her hand in mine as we walked into my building, all of a sudden I was at a loss for words. I was nervous. That little nugget of information she let pass during dinner did make things a little more complicated. I couldn’t be her first. On the other hand, I didn’t think it was going to be possible to have her in my apartment and not touch her. I’d never wanted anyone more.
I opened another bottle of wine when we got in but made a mental note that one more glass was it. If anything was going to happen, even a kiss, it had to be on her terms.
As I handed her a glass I said, “Here you go, nineteen.”
She had a mischievous smile on her face. “You can’t call me that anymore, Caleb.”
“Really?”
“January tenth. I’m officially twenty.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I feel bad I didn’t get to wish you a happy birthday.”
“I was afraid you’d shower me with another ridiculously extravagant gift.”
“I would have and I still might.”
“Don’t! I’m warning you. It took a lot for me to accept the bag graciously.”
“Okay, okay. I don’t want to get you mad.”
She kicked off her shoes and tucked her feet underneath her on the couch. “You can give me a birthday kiss, though. That, I will accept.”
I let out a deep breath. “Rene, I’m afraid if I kiss you I’ll never want to stop.”
She smiled at me, the sweetest, most trusting smile. I knew in my soul I’d never intentionally hurt her but I didn’t have a great track record. I was always honorable with women but I generally wound up ending things and have left a few hurt, angry females in my wake.
I actually felt a little sweaty as I took her hands and gently pulled her up to stand in front of me. My hands found both sides of her face and I kissed her. Her lips were soft and she tasted sweet, just like I’d imagined. I felt like I was holding onto a china doll; I was nervous I’d hurt her. When I stopped a minute later and rested my forehead against hers, she whispered, “Please don’t stop.”
She laced her fingers through my hair and gently pulled my mouth back to hers. When I parted her lips she moved her body closer into mine. I must have let out a growl from the pleasure of feeling her body pressed against me and then I felt her smile underneath my kiss. I whispered, as I laid kisses along her neck, “Oh, it’s funny huh, torturing me?”
“I don’t want to torture you, Caleb, I just want you.”
I slowly pulled back and looked into her eyes. “Rene, I don’t think I can be your first.”
She looked annoyed—and really cute. “Ugh. Caleb, you see? You see how awful this is for me?”
I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “It does make you…I don’t know, Rene, like, am I worthy?”
She shrugged. “Okay, then the next random guy who comes my way will just have to be the one I use to just get it over with.”
I gripped her arms. “No. Fucking. Way. Beaumont. You hear me?”
She smiled up at me. “Then please, Caleb.”
I felt tortured, serious. “Rene, I don’t want you to wind up hating me some day. That would kill me.”
“I doubt that could ever happen.”
“I have a few exes who would tell you differently.”
“That’s not hatred. That’s longing, disappointment, whatever… just wanting more than you were willing to give them. Face it, Caleb, you’re a catch.” She smiled. “You are, and it’s not just the good looks and success. Well, the success part I’m not even certain about. You could be some well-dressed office gopher for all I know.” When I laughed she smiled but then her look turned serious. “It’s just that you’re a good man, Caleb. You’re kind.”
I shook my head. “Rene, you make me want to be good. I feel like I want certain things with you that…confuse me.”
She put her hands on my shoulders and looked up into my eyes, waiting. I pulled her close and kissed her deep. She yielded to me and I could feel her body, her soft parts against my hard, pressed against me again. We just stood there and kissed for the longest time. Kissing was underrated in my book. I loved kissing Rene. I loved the taste of her mouth and her skin as I nipped below her ear and trailed kisses along her neck, down along her collarbone and along the swell of her cleavage. When I kissed there I heard her sharp intake of breath and I looked back up to her eyes. I was being careful with her. If she gave me any indication that I was going too fast or too far I was ready to put on the breaks, no matter how hard I knew it would be. But what I saw when I met her gaze was a look that told me she wanted this as much as I did. “Can I take you to my room?”
She nodded. “Yes, Caleb.”
My name on her lips made my chest feel light. I scooped her up, carried her upstairs as I planted kisses on her lips, and then gently laid this treasure onto my bed. I stood above her just taking her in. “You’re so beautiful, Rene.”
“I feel beautiful when you look at me.”
She nodded as I gestured to the zipper along the side of her dress. “Rene, stop me when you need to. We don’t have to do anything. If I just get to hold you that will be a gift to me.”
The slightest blush spread across her cheeks. She moved to slip off her dress and then laid before me, smiling innocently as I took her in from head to toe. I swear, I was a nervous wreck unbuttoning my shirt. I covered her body with mine and kissed her sweet mouth again. As I ran my hands over the curve of her hips, she let out a sigh and I thought to myself that if I was her first, I was going to make it, I hoped, the best experience of her life.
I sat up and took her with me, straddling her across my lap. As I undid the clasp on her lacy black bra and slid the straps down her delicate arms, she never once took her eyes off of mine. I took in a deep breath as I gazed at her, so beautiful. I slowly moved my hands ov
er her full breasts and then brushed my thumbs over her tight peaks. She gasped as I took one tip in my mouth and teased the other with my thumb and forefinger. Her head moved back and she arched her body closer into mine as she rocked her hips, pushing harder against my length. She was going to have to wait because I was intent on making every inch of her body know me before I took her. I loved Rene from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. I kissed her, worshipped every part of her body before I was ready to join myself with her. And that’s how it seemed, like I was committing myself to her through this act. I would never have said anything like that out loud—she would have thought I’d lost it. All I managed to tell her was that she was so special to me. That wasn’t even the half of it. Over the past few months, the conversations we’d had made me closer to her than pretty much anyone else. “Are you sure, Rene? Tell me to stop now.”
“Caleb, I want it to be you. I’m sure.”
I felt my throat tighten as I tore the condom out of its wrapper and looked down at her as I got ready to enter her. I felt her again, so wet and so tight. She writhed under my touch. Then I came into her slowly, little by little, watching her head tilt back as she took me in. She bit her lip and I heard her breath catch. “Are you ok? Tell me if I’m hurting you, Rene.”
I knew she had to feel some discomfort but she shook her head. “No, Caleb. I want you. I want all of you.”
Those words sent me over the edge. I pressed into her and then stilled to give her a chance to adjust. When I felt her hips move against me I moved to match her. Her body felt incredible, being inside of her felt incredible. Like no one else. I was outside of myself, my movements quickened as I felt her body tighten around me and when she called out my name I was wild for her and I couldn’t hold back anymore.
What had just happened to me?
Rene
I couldn’t read his expression afterwards. I just knew I was in a state of bliss. He held me close to him and was quiet for a minute. “Caleb?”
He seemed to snap out of it then and looked at me with concern. “Are you ok, Rene? Do you feel ok?”
