by Lily Foster
She laughed. “You’re such a jerk, Rene. Was it really that bad?”
“No, it wasn’t. He’s great, his family is great. You know what’s wrong. I just don’t want to get closer to him and I don’t want to get to know his family. I do like him but I’m pretty sure I’ll never love him, you know?”
“Ok. Are you going to break up with him?”
“No, I mean, yes. I don’t know.”
“Did you mean it when you said you’ll come anywhere with me for Christmas?”
“Anywhere. I don’t want anyone thinking of me as poor little Rene, no family, nowhere to go.”
“Good. Remember you said that!”
I was suddenly wary. “Why?”
She lunged at me and pressed me into the couch with both hands planted on my shoulders. “Because my mother’s newest boyfriend is taking us to Paris. December eighteenth through the twenty-eighth—clear your calendar. There is no airfare because he has a private plane and there is no hotel because he has a huge apartment there. So you see, you have nothing to object to. You’ll be accepting what in terms of charity, a croissant here, a dish of coq au vin there, a café au lait?”
I was giggling uncontrollably by then. “Okay, I’m in! Did I ever tell you that you are the best friend ever?”
“I’m doing this for purely selfish reasons. I’m going to make you translate for me so I can pick up hot French guys.”
Darcy came in then with Tom. They were so in love, you just felt it being near them. It was so good to see and so painful at the same time. They plopped down on the couches with us and told us all about their weekend. Darcy was telling us how much Kate was showing already and how excited they were for the baby. I wondered how Caleb felt hearing about the baby all the time. I’m sure he was totally happy for his brother; Caleb had shared that Kate had a late-term miscarriage before and it was pretty devastating. I would think, though, that it had to be a regular reminder of us, of what had happened.
Darcy was laughing then, telling us Luke and Caleb finally agreed to let her stay at the rugby tournament party because she had Tom as an escort and then she added, “As if Caleb would have noticed anyway. He had his tongue so far down that girl Cherry’s throat I thought he was checking her tonsils.”
Caitlin always knew how to ask something or fish around on my behalf. “What kind of name is Cherry?”
“It’s short for something, I forgot what. I saw her with Caleb at a rugby game when I was down in October. He introduced her as a coworker. She seems nice enough but I don’t know. At least he didn’t seem as down and moody as he did in Greece.”
Rene, you’re going to Paris.
You have a great job lined up.
You have a boyfriend.
I was trying to list the things I had to be happy for because hearing about Caleb with some girl named Cherry made me want to simultaneously bawl and claw his eyes out. Darcy broke into my thoughts. “So, Rene, how was it? You haven’t said a word.”
I’m sure I sounded thoroughly underwhelmed. “It was nice.”
I’m not sure if I was even smiling as I said that and I didn’t care. I excused myself and went to the gym. I needed a swim. Unfortunately you can’t cry as you swim—messes up your breathing. After my swim I needed a shower. I had a good cry in there.
That next weekend was the last big party weekend before people had to hunker down for finals. I’ve never been a big drinker. I’ve always had to get up early in the morning, so no time for hangovers. Also, having two substance abusers for parents made me averse to it. I never wanted to be sloppy or out of control, the way I remembered my parents.
That Friday night was the exception to my rule. Beth pushed some shots before we made our way out and the party at Tanner’s was a little crazy. When I went for my third beer within fifteen minutes, Tanner gently took my wrist to stop me. “Rene, babe, what are you doing? Are you ok? You never drink this fast.”
I yanked my wrist away. “I’m fine.” I felt crappy then because he was so nice. He was only ever good to me. “I’m sorry, Tanner. I think I need to go home.”
“I’ll take you.”
“No, it’s your party. Please stay. I’m beat. I’m going right to sleep.”
Caitlin came over to us then, said something reassuring to Tanner, waved her newest fling off and then whisked me out the door. “It’s ok. Come on, let’s go back.”
When we got there I sat on the couch as Caitlin gave me water and just sat there as I cried. I convinced her to go back after about twenty minutes, telling her I wanted to be alone.
Then I did the stupidest thing ever.
Caleb
It was loud in the bar but I felt my phone vibrate with a new text:
So how is it? Cherry on top, just like a sundae?
Holy shit, Rene was actually texting me? No, I wasn’t going to make it that easy on her. I wanted her to have to hear my voice. I went outside. Shocker—she actually answered her phone. Cautiously, she said, “Hi.”
“Well, well, well. What’s it been, Rene, eight months, nine months? Sorry, after that long you don’t get to act like the jealous girlfriend when you find out I’m fucking someone.”
“Fucking someone? Sounds so romantic.”
“There’s nothing romantic about it, sweetheart. Cherry is someone I fuck. What about Gunner?”
“Tanner.”
“Tanner, whatever. Do you love him or are you just fucking him?”
I could hear her draw in a breath. “Caleb….it’s…it’s not like that.”
“How is it, then?” She said nothing. “You know what, Rene? Forget it, I don’t really care anymore. Later.”
I wanted to hurt her but as I hung up on her it felt shitty knowing that I probably had. What the hell was she thinking? Had she been drinking? That wasn’t like her but it also wasn’t like her to show her cards like that. She was obviously jealous. I had to admit, the Cherry on top line was pretty good.
The next morning I was up at six when I heard my phone buzz with an incoming text:
I had no business texting u that last night. I’m really sorry Caleb.
I wrote right back:
It’s ok. I’m sorry too Rene. For everything.
My heart was beating so fast when the phone pinged again:
U have nothing to be sorry for.
Shit. Although the pain in my chest felt crushing, I wanted to keep this dialogue going.
I hope ur doing well, Rene. I’d ask what ur doing for Christmas but I know that pisses off your inner Orphan Annie.
She didn’t write back for a few minutes. I knew her. She was probably staring at her phone wondering how deep she wanted to get with me. Or, she was spending Christmas with her new guy and didn’t want to say it.
I’m actually going to Paris with Caitlin. So excited. Merry Christmas Caleb.
I was relieved and wrote back:
I’m excited for you. Joyeux Noël.
Rene
I’m such a jerk, such a colossal idiot. I held myself back from contacting him every time I had the urge to tell him I loved him or I missed him. The first time I have an impulse to lash out at him? I have no second thoughts, I just fire away. What he wrote this morning, that he was sorry for everything, just killed me. I sat in bed, rereading his email from long ago that I had saved. Did he still need me? I knew he wasn’t sitting and just waiting for me anymore. But was there still a part of him that wanted to be with me?
I closed my laptop and put it under my bed when Tanner knocked and came into my room. “Hey, Rene, are you all right?”
“I’m fine. I’m sorry about last night. I’m not meant to drink shots.”
He laughed and shook his head. “No, you’re not.”
“It’s like, only seven. Why are you up so early?”
“I wasn’t into the party after you left. I snuck upstairs early. I was going to head over here last night but Caitlin convinced me not to.”
“Sorry.”
He waved dismissi
vely. “Don’t be. You think I care if I miss a party?”
With that he took off his sweatshirt and t-shirt, climbed into bed behind me, and pulled me in close to him. “I missed you last night, Rene. Was everything ok? Is there anything you want to talk about?”
Hmm, I thought to myself, we could talk about me wishing it was Caleb holding me right now, about me not wanting to string you along but not wanting to let you go at the same time, or we could talk about my abortion. Pick a topic. “Really, Tanner, I’m ok. I just want to fall back asleep and your arms feel nice around me.”
“That I can help you with.”
He pulled me in closer and nestled into my neck. I just had on panties and a tank top. I could feel his body through the thin sweats he wore, hard against me. I turned around to face him and I kissed him deeply. My hands moved down his abdomen and I stroked his length. He breathed, “Oh, Rene.”
“Tanner?”
I kept working him and he seemed like he could barely speak. “Yeah, Rene?”
“Why don’t you ever push going farther with me?”
He rolled me onto my back and gave himself a second to come back to me before looking me in the eye. “I don’t know. With you, Rene…I’m different. I was never this careful with other girls. I just get the feeling you need to take things slow and I’m ok with that. For you, I’ll wait.”
I kissed him again and parted my legs as I pulled his hips into me. I didn’t intend to do the deed with him. I was now on birth control pills but I didn’t want things going that far with Tanner. I sensed he would take that as a declaration of my love. Maybe I was pushing because I needed to see if this thing with Tanner was going anywhere but maybe it was because speaking with Caleb brought on so many emotions and I just wanted to feel something. My body craved the feeling.
As he ground his hips into me he said in ragged breaths, “I want you Rene, so badly. But when I have you, really have you, I have to be sure you’re mine. Do you want me, Rene?”
“Yes, Tanner. But I want to wait.”
Thank goodness I said the right name because I was becoming a little lost at that point.
He rained soft kisses on my lips and my breasts and as he took my hand and guided it back to him as he whispered, “Then it’s ok, baby. I’ll wait for you.”
After, my body was still in knots and I was lying next to him with so many mixed emotions and feelings swirling inside of me. Guilt because I was drawing Tanner in deeper, desire for Tanner but not knowing if that was just my body craving contact, and a desperate sense of love…for Caleb.
Chapter Nine
Caleb
Before Darcy went back to school after Thanksgiving break she asked if I was heading to Rincon for Christmas. When I said I didn’t know, she told me she was going to ask her roommates to head down for a few days after New Year’s. She added, “It’s totally cool if you’re there, they all love you. I just wanted to see what kind of space issues I was dealing with.”
After hearing about Rene and her serious boyfriend, the idea of being near her was unthinkable. I was fucking enraged when I thought of any other guy touching her, loving her body. Sadness and rage were not the best feelings to combine. Things usually didn’t turn out that well for me under those circumstances. So no, I had no intention of setting foot on the island.
During Christmas dinner when Darcy was talking about picking the girls up from the airport on New Year’s Day, though, I have to admit I was tempted. That last phone call and the texts that followed stirred some hope in me. She might have a boyfriend but she was thinking of me. That I knew. Maybe for Rene it was just hearing about Cherry that had her expressing a passing sense of jealousy over someone she once considered to be hers. But maybe, I hoped, enough time had finally passed for her to let me in again.
The Cherry situation needed to be resolved. She popped over to my parents’ house Christmas Eve without telling me first. She got there right as we were getting ready to open the one gift we were given the night before Christmas. I totally played it off like I was happy to see her. I’d never make her feel uninvited or unwanted, but I sensed she was looking to ingratiate herself with my family and I didn’t want that.
And her timing sucked.
This was way too intimate a moment. We were always pretty wistful around Christmastime. It was a really happy time, don’t get me wrong, but we missed the presence of my mother every year she wasn’t with us. We always talked about her. Even though it could make me sad, it was important for us all; it was our way to keep her with us always.
We were all laughing as Sarah was telling us about a time when she and my mother were trying to arrange us all for a photo shoot. When they finally got me and Luke to stand still, Darcy spit up all over me and I started crying. Which made Darcy cry and then the photo shoot was officially over. I could tell Cherry was completely perplexed. She didn’t know me that well; she didn’t even know about my mother. To be fair, I’d never felt the need to tell her. I recalled then that I had discussed all that, and so much more with Rene long before I had even kissed her.
Cherry stayed for what seemed like an eternity. Then I happily put her in a cab. I didn’t want to hurt her—I really didn’t—but I’m sure she knew that I wasn’t letting her in. “Your family is really great, Caleb.”
“Thanks, Cherry, they all seemed to like you.”
She looked unsure, kind of like she knew I was bullshitting her. “Caleb?”
“Yeah?”
She looked like she changed her mind about asking me something and then just told me Merry Christmas before she kissed me and shut the cab door.
She knew this was over.
Relief.
As I walked back in my father motioned for me to carry the rest of the desert dishes into the kitchen. “She seems like a nice girl, Caleb.”
“Don’t, Dad.”
He joked, “She’s not a nice girl?”
I smiled. “No, she’s perfectly nice, just not meant for me.”
“I definitely got that vibe from you. I’m thinking she probably did too.”
“This has been the most messed up year of my life in a long time. I want to apologize for worrying you and Sarah.” I guess I was in the mood to spill. “I mean, I’m a total fuck up in my social life, I’m seeing a girl I don’t really care about. At work, holy crap, I beat the shit out of the managing partner’s nephew and didn’t even get canned because, financially, I’ve been having the best year of my life. Ever. Like, insane commissions. I don’t know. Everything feels backwards to me.”
“What are you going to do about this girl, Cherry?”
“Yeah, I’ve known her for a long time and I feel badly about it. I’ll straighten things out with her and then I’m going to stop seeing her.”
“She’s not the one who was tying you up in knots this past year, was she?”
I laughed a little sarcastically. “No, definitely not.” I shook my head. “That girl…well hopefully one day she’ll be sitting here with us on Christmas Eve.”
“I hope so too, Caleb.”
Rene
Beautiful doesn’t adequately describe Paris.
There isn’t a word in any language to do it justice. And to see Paris in the way I was getting to experience it with Caitlin was something I didn’t know if I’d ever have the chance at again. The boyfriend, Étienne, had a six bedroom apartment on Avenue Foch, one of the most exclusive streets in all of Paris. I had my own gigantic room with gilded trim on the walls, a four poster bed, and the lushest linens ever to touch my body. It really was like living in princess’ quarters.
Thank goodness Caitlin packed enough clothing for an entire season, otherwise I would have had nothing to wear. At night we would start out with Caitlin’s mom and Étienne, who was a wonderful, charming gentleman. We would go to one of Paris’ best hotel bars to have drinks, listen to jazz and people watch. One night Le Bar at the Four Seasons, the next Bar 228, the next Le Bar du Plaza Athénée. These were always followed by l
ate, leisurely dinners. Some nights it was small bistro fare while other nights he gave us the all-out experiences of places like Alaine Ducasse. Those two were pretty intrepid, as they also came along two nights when Caitlin and I headed out dancing at Le Baron and Pershing Hall.
During the day, Caitlin and I set out on foot and explored every inch of the city. I just loved being able to experience Paris and speaking French gave me the feeling that I was, for better or for worse, tied to this country in some way. It made me feel a sense of gratitude to my parents, flawed as they were.
On the last night we ate at a small, cozy bistro that Étienne said was his favorite as a child. Thankfully, it was affordable and he was gracious enough to let me treat them as a thank you for the best vacation of my life. I told Étienne he had spoiled me for life; it would be hard to ever top this trip. He replied, “Oh, mon petit, when you see Paris with your lover it will be even better.”
I blushed as I thought of seeing Paris with, who else, Caleb.
We were returning on the twenty-eighth, I was squeezing in three days at the restaurant and then—so unlike me—we were heading down to Puerto Rico to stay with Darcy and her parents for a few days.
Tanner was a little taken back that I couldn’t make it to him for a visit in between trips but he knew I needed to work so he didn’t push me. Truthfully, work was a good excuse for me to avoid him.
I felt trepidation about going to stay with the Donovans. Being with Darcy at school was one thing, being with her family in a place where they spent time with Caleb felt deceptive. Caitlin told me I was being crazy. I only agreed to go when I had it on good authority that Caleb wouldn’t be there. It still didn’t feel totally right but I told myself it was only for four days, don’t overthink it.
By the time we landed on New Year’s Day, I was exhausted. Craig put me on double shifts, at my request, for the first two days I was back and then the restaurant always had a very fancy New Year’s Eve party where many large groups booked tables. The tips were fantastic but we worked from four that afternoon until four in the morning. I mean we worked hard. It was almost five by the time I got back and by five-thirty I was making my way to the train heading to the airport. Caitlin said I was drooling and snoring on the plane. I hoped she was exaggerating.
