by Natasha West
‘You don’t like that, do you?’ Natalie said.
‘No.’
‘Why? I’d love someone to call me perfect.’
‘OK, you’re perfect,’ Eden said easily.
‘No, I’m not.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because, I don’t know, lots of reasons,’ Natalie sputtered.
‘I don’t agree,’ Eden told her. And she meant it. She thought Natalie was the bee’s knees.
Natalie was exasperated. ‘I know what you’re trying to do, you know.’
‘What’s that?’
‘You’re trying to make me see that how I feel is exactly how you…’ Natalie trailed off. ‘Oh.’
Eden smiled. ‘By George, I think she’s got it.’
‘But you have to admit, you’re kind of… You always say the right thing, you always look on point…’
‘Quite honestly, I never really know how I come across.’
‘I can help you with that. Charming, smart, and confident,’ Natalie told her. She went a little pink once the words were out.
Eden had given Natalie a glimpse of herself, and she hadn’t run yet. But there was so much more Eden wanted to say, so much more to bring out from the dark little place inside her where the most shameful parts of her hid. Natalie had been hiding this week too, and Eden didn’t want her to do that. Eden had never wished more to just know someone. To be known. She wasn’t sure if that was possible, but she suspected there was only really one way to find out. ‘I try to be those things, but you know what? It’s a lot of effort. And it’s exhausting. All I ever do is analyse everything. I spend every waking minute worrying about my weight, my clothes, my make-up, my hair. Every word I say. I’m starting to think that I don’t … I don’t know if I can keep it up anymore,’ she finished breathlessly. She stared at the candle on the table, frightened to look at the woman across from her.
She heard a shuffle, and she saw Natalie had gotten up and brought her chair around the table. She was right next to Eden. There was a sparkle in her eyes. ‘Eden… I don’t think I’ve ever liked you more than I do at this moment.’
Eden was astonished. ‘You don’t have to say that.’
Natalie looked indignant. ‘Eden, do you remember… do you remember the beach? What happened?’
Eden cracked a smile. ‘I’m not likely to forget it.’
Natalie rolled her eyes and smiled. ‘No, me neither.’ She got her serious face back on. ‘But do you remember what happened an hour before that?’
‘Are you talking about the hole?’ Eden asked.
‘That, yes. You were sweating and tired, a mess,’ Natalie said and then admitted, ‘Fuck, you were sexy.’
Eden let out a shocked laugh. ‘Yes, well, I don’t know if-’
‘And then we climbed out, and we fell in a puddle of your piss.’
Eden had tried to scrub that particular memory out of her mind. ‘Yes, I remember that.’
‘And do you think I cared about that when you kissed me? When we… right on the beach? Do you think I thought twice about the fact that your hair wasn’t perfect?’
Eden tried to come up with a good answer to that. ‘Well…’
Natalie leaned closer, fear filling those beautiful big blue eyes. Eden was hypnotised by them as Natalie took a deep breath and began to speak. ‘Look, this isn’t easy for me. I’m not good at… saying what I feel. Asking for what I want. But I’m trying. Because I don’t know how many more chances I’m going to get with you. If I keep playing things close to my chest, I know what will happen. What always happens. Things go away. I don’t want that. I don’t want you to be another thing I missed because I was a wimp. So I really hope you’re hearing this. The moments I’ve liked you the most is when I’ve seen the real Eden, the stuff you don’t want anyone to see. That’s the interesting part of you. That’s what I want more of.’
Eden was spellbound, unable to speak. But that was good because it seemed Natalie had one last thing she needed to say.
‘You’re not perfect. You’re better than that.’ Natalie shrugged and smiled. ‘You’re Eden.’
Eden couldn’t take it anymore. She grabbed Natalie and kissed her, right there at the table. She wasn’t worried what anyone thought. The only person whose opinion meant anything was Natalie. And Natalie had told her to be herself. This was who Eden wanted to be. A person kissing Natalie, who was, incidentally, very into it.
‘Whoa, there,’ said a voice, and they turned to see a hostess. ‘Look, we know this is a singles cruise, but we’d rather the cruisers don’t start the foreplay right in public.’
Eden was immediately contrite, going straight into PR mode. ‘I’m so sorry. We shouldn’t have been doing this, you’re absolutely right.’
‘We shouldn’t?’ Natalie asked.
Eden looked at Natalie, and she knew she’d started to do exactly what she always did. Be correct. Appropriate. She was cancelling out the magic of what had just happened. And the truth was, she didn’t regret it. How the hell could she?
Eden straightened her back and fixed the hostess with as steely a look as she could conjure. ‘Actually, I take that back. We one hundred percent should have been doing that. And you should keep… your nose… out,’ Eden said, trying to keep her voice from tremoring.
‘Oh, is that right?’ the hostess said, folding her arms.
‘It is right,’ Natalie said from beside her. ‘And I think if PDA offends you, you’re in the wrong place. So stop trying to tell grown women not to kiss each other and do your actual job, alright?’
People were looking now. Eden was thrilled and scared. They were causing a scene. Eden had never caused a scene in her life.
The hostess looked back and forth between Eden and Natalie. Eden could tell she was making a decision. Take it further or walk away. Eden waited. The woman unfolded her arms. ‘Alright.’ She walked off.
Eden turned back to Natalie, riding high from the win. ‘Wow. You really told her.’
‘I know. I was this close to scuttling out with my tail between my legs. But then you told her off, and I don’t know… I just wasn’t going to let her stand in the way,’ Natalie said wondrously.
‘Yeah, me neither. I stopped caring,’ Eden said. And it was true. She didn’t care that people had looked. She didn’t care if she was embarrassing herself. Why should she? Why should anyone in this restaurant matter beside Natalie?
Eden felt a weight slip from her. She was suddenly light as air. She felt like she could do anything. ‘You’re amazing, you know,’ she told Natalie.
‘What?’ Natalie exclaimed.
‘Yes. I’ve always thought so.’ She grinned. ‘You told me how you feel, and I want to do that too. The truth is, I’m so into you, it’s ridiculous.’
Natalie’s smile was a wonder.
And then a big guy in chef’s whites appeared beside them and said, ‘You two the love birds? You’re eighty-sixed!’
Thirty-Three
Natalie and Eden found themselves on the other side of the doors of the restaurant, ushered out by the prick chef. Natalie was livid. ‘That bastard!’
Eden laughed. ‘Forget him.’
Natalie was incensed. ‘But… I mean, he just… And why? Because we were kissing? On a bloody singles cruise?’
‘Maybe we did go a tiny bit far?’ Eden shrugged.
‘You think?’ Natalie asked.
‘I don’t know, and I don’t care,’ Eden told her. ‘I’m just enjoying my night, and I don’t want a couple of prudes to get in the way of that.’
That knocked the rage right out of Natalie. ‘You’re right.’ Natalie was annoyed with herself for getting so pissy. She hoped Eden didn’t feel like she was spoiling things. ‘Sorry.’
‘For what?’ Eden said and grabbed her hand. ‘Come on.’
‘Where are we going?’ Natalie asked, hoping the answer was, ‘My room.’
But her guess was way off. ‘We’re going to karaoke.’
‘What?
’ Natalie screeched.
***
Natalie couldn’t believe it. She was back at karaoke on the final night of the cruise. The place was heaving. ‘We won’t be here long, I promise,’ Eden said, coming back from the bar, though she didn’t have drinks.
‘We’d better not be,’ Natalie warned. But she wasn’t going to refuse Eden anything she wanted, not tonight. Something magical had taken place in that restaurant, and Natalie had found a bravery she would never have dreamt she possessed. She’d done it, the thing she never did. Asked for what she wanted. Eden.
Even if everything went wrong somehow when they went home, if Eden changed her mind about how she was feeling, Natalie would bear it. Because she’d tried. She’d chanced herself. All this time, she’d thought the worst thing was to lose face. But the worst thing would have been to have said nothing and missed her shot. That was obvious to Natalie now. She supposed it had taken someone like Eden, someone worth the risk, to teach her this lesson.
This stupid boat full of people looking for a connection. She’d thought it would be a disaster. Natalie knew now that she hadn’t been here to find love. It had been sitting in the office next to hers the entire time. What Natalie had ended up doing was finding the strength to let herself have it. She supposed she owed Sally more than a coffee table book.
A woman singing Heart’s Crazy on You finished up to applause. ‘Right, I’m up next,’ Eden said.
‘What?’ Natalie said, surprised.
‘Yeah. I’m going to sing.’
‘You are?’ Natalie asked.
Yes. I have to do this,’ Eden told her.
‘Any particular reason why?’ Natalie asked, perplexed.
‘Because it’s going to be awful and embarrassing,’ Eden said. ‘And I’m going to survive it.’ Eden kissed her on the cheek and walked off up to the stage. The opening notes of Never Gonna Give You Up resounded through the bar. Natalie watched Eden take the stage, excited to see her perform.
But as the song approached the sing-y part, Eden leaned into the mic and said. ‘Sorry about this.’ Natalie didn’t get what she was apologising for. And then it began. Eden’s singing. ‘We’re no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I…’ Natalie’s mouth dropped open. Eden was unequivocally and shockingly tone-deaf. It was clear from the look on her face that she knew it too. Natalie was astounded. Then amused. Then delighted.
She drifted toward the stage, unable to contain her massive grin as she watched Eden go into the chorus. ‘I JUST WANNA TELL YOU HOW I’M FEEEEEELLLINNNNN,’ Eden screeched, her face bright red. Natalie looked up at her in awe. She put her fingers to her lips and whistled. Eden looked down at her and started to look less embarrassed. She even began to smile.
‘Wooh!’ Natalie yelled, clapping for Eden, the world’s worst singer. Eden grinned through her horror. ‘NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN, NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU,’ Eden bellowed, only looking at Natalie now. Natalie began to feel like this wasn’t a random song choice. There was something in Eden’s eyes… She was trying to tell Natalie something.
‘NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY, NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE, NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE AND HURT YOU,’ Eden screeched. Natalie was spellbound.
By now, everyone in the bar was watching, wanting to see who the hell was trying to strangle a cat on the stage. ‘Fuck me sideways,’ said a voice from behind Natalie, and she turned to see Max had drifted over to watch the car crash.
One by one, the rest of the gang appeared as Eden thundered on. Beatrice, Mary, Florence, Steph, Angelique, Caz and Saz, Maggie and Rebonka goggled up at the spectacle.
‘Wow,’ continued Max, ‘She’s…’
‘Amazing,’ Natalie completed, smiling at Eden in utter wonderment.
‘That’s one word for it,’ Isabella said, the last to appear.
Eden was about halfway through now, and her dry voice was cracking. She needed help. Natalie decided that if Eden needed some support, she’d be there. She’d take her mediocre voice and bite the bullet, embarrass herself too.
She leapt up on the stage and jumped in on, ‘We’ve known each other for so long,’ she hollered, and Eden’s eyes shined with gratitude as they belted out a dreadful duet together while everyone in the bar winced. But Natalie and Eden weren’t really looking at anyone else as they went on. ‘Your heart’s been aching but, you’re too shy to say it,’ they sang, grinning at each other. ‘And if you ask me how I’m feeling, don’t tell me you’re too blind to see,’ they screeched on. ‘Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you,’ they sang horribly, eyes only for each other. For Natalie, it felt like they were making promises to each other.
As the song went into the final verse, they were suddenly not alone. Everyone had piled up onstage to join them. Natalie’s and Eden’s voices were thankfully drowned out. ‘Inside we both know what’s been going on, we know the game and we’re gonna play it,’ the gang sang as Eden passed the mic to Steph, who took it and held it out for everyone else. Eden grabbed ahold of Natalie’s hand and whispered in her ear. ‘Come on, I think that’s probably enough.’
Natalie nodded, and they stepped down off the stage, walking out of the bar, leaving the gang to it. Natalie thought she’d miss them all when the boat docked tomorrow at Southampton. She hoped they’d keep in touch.
But that was a concern for another time. Because right now, she needed to go and be with Eden, alone, away from the crowds, away from the world. It would still be waiting when they emerged tomorrow, all the problems of work, friends, family, life, but Natalie was finding that she wasn’t so worried about that. Because she was going all in with Eden, and she was surer with every passing moment that Eden was going all in with her. So the world could do its worst. Because Natalie felt stronger than she ever had. All she had to do was remember what she wanted and to never stop asking for it. Because love was there waiting. If you could find your voice.
Thirty-Four
Six Weeks Later
‘Did you read this part in the middle?’ Eden asked from the passenger seat, the rush hour whizzing by the window as she scrolled down her phone.
‘I only read the first two paragraphs,’ Natalie said from the driver’s seat. ‘But we’re running late, I was gonna finish it later. Why, what does it say?’
‘Well, Maggie says here that you shagged Max.’
‘What!?’ Natalie screeched.
‘Yeah. She’s got a quote from her.’
‘What did she say?’ Natalie said.
‘She said you did it in a toilet with her and that you were really grateful.’
Natalie’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. ‘That lying arsehole! Get Maggie on the phone. I want a retraction.’
‘Does it matter?’ Eden asked.
‘Err, yes!’ Natalie cried. ‘Because it didn’t happen.’
‘Look, I’ll text her right now, but I know what she’s gonna say. She’ll say it’s your word against hers.’
Natalie snorted like a bull. ‘I’m gonna kill Max.’
‘You know she’s only saying it because she wished it really did happen,’ Eden said gently.
‘Jesus, just because Isabella ditched her as soon as we docked, that’s no reason to take it out on me.’
‘Not all love stories are meant to last,’ Eden said, trying not to laugh. She began to read again. And suddenly it wasn’t so funny. ‘Oh, no.’
‘What now?’ Natalie moaned.
‘There’s a quote from Steph. She’s implying I led her on.’
Natalie chuckled now that it wasn’t just her reputation being demolished. ‘Did you?’
‘I really didn’t,’ Eden said. ‘God almighty, what the hell is wrong with these people. Why did everyone lie through their teeth in their interviews?’
‘I think for the people who didn’t find love everlasting on the boat, there might have been some face-saving going on. But I’m going to have it out with Max next mont
h, I can tell you that.’
‘I don’t think Florence and Beatrice’s engagement party is really the place to air your grievances.’
‘I’m not gonna make a big scene. I’d just like a little talk. I’m not gonna throw punches. Probably,’ Natalie said tightly.
They pulled into the car park, into the manager’s spot. Both could lay claim to the space. Because Natalie and Eden had decided amongst themselves that there was only one way they could go forward together at the company. As joint managers. Natalie had led the charge, backed by Eden. ‘I was stupid to turn it down, and Eden’s happy to share,’ she told their boss. Luckily, she was inclined to think it was a good idea. ‘If you’re alright with it, Eden, I think you might balance each other out. But you’re gonna have to split the difference on the salary.’ Eden had nodded. ‘Yeah, that’s fine. One last thing. We’re together now, is that a problem?’ ‘Not if you go to HR literally this second,’ the boss had urged.
