by Jodi Redford
She exhaled, struggling to relax. The attendant appeared with the towels. Nick divvied them out before tucking her against his side and heading down the hall. Risking a peek over her shoulder, she caught the glare Kevin had pinned to the back of Nick’s skull. He remained rooted in place, his muscles rigid as he battled the private war waging inside him. Nick was right about one thing—Kevin truly did think that his desires were something to be ashamed of. Knowing that only made her ache more for him. Swallowing, she returned her focus to the winding hallway ahead of them. “He’s not coming. He won’t be able to do this.”
“He’ll give in. Pouting all night in the hallway won’t get him what he wants—you.”
“You’re putting a ton of faith in his desire for me.”
“Sweetness, that’s one thing I have zero doubt about.”
They arrived at a set of double glass doors clouded with condensation. Nick pushed the handle and escorted her into the enormous steam room. The humid space was already occupied with a dozen or so people. A few were making out on the various benches. Others had spread their towels on the cedar floor planks and were going to town there. Breath hitching, she eyed the tattooed guy across the way who was busy devouring his partner’s pussy.
Nick’s fingers swept her nape. “It’s sexy to watch, isn’t it?”
“Y-yes. No wonder Kevin is turned on by it.”
As if she’d summoned him, one of the glass doors swung inward and Kevin stepped into the room. Their gazes locked, and a melody of joy and excitement trilled within her. It was still uncertain whether he’d completely go along with this, but just being there with them was a huge step in the right direction.
Nick set their towels aside and eased her sweater over her head before unhooking her bra and sliding the straps from her arms. The instant her breasts were bared, he knelt and sucked a pebbled nipple into his mouth, his dexterous fingers slipping the buttons free on her pants. Gliding his hands inside, he palmed her ass cheeks, using his forearms to coax her jeans down her legs. He stopped his worshiping of her breast and helped her from her boots.
It was strange and arousing to be nude in front of complete strangers. There wasn’t a centimeter of her body shielded from their lusty gazes, but it was Kevin’s ravenous stare that made her pussy weep most. Trembling, she silently beseeched him to stay. To join in their pleasure, and not be ashamed anymore by his desires.
The sound of clothes rustling drew her focus to Nick as he shrugged from his shirt, his sleek, gorgeous shoulders flexing. His trousers and briefs came off next and landed in a neat pile on top of her discarded garments. The sight of his cock—long, thick and breath-stealingly erect—coaxed even more wetness between her legs. Taking her hand, he stretched her out on the towels he’d arranged on the floor. Fingers a maddening torment, he caressed the quivering valley of her abdomen, causing her spine to arch. He moved lower and stroked the insides of her thighs, his touch persuasive. A hot, delicious breath whispered over her labia, seconds before his tongue rasped along her clit.
She shuddered, already overwhelmingly close to coming. Swirl, suck, swirl. Panting, she writhed on the towel. A shadow fell across her, and she looked up into Kevin’s hot stare. She reached for him, and he automatically dropped to his knees next to her. His palm curved around her breast as his mouth crashed over hers. Whimpering, she tugged at his belt, desperation bringing a frustrating clumsiness to her fingers. His features strained, Kevin closed his hand over hers, his dark, tortured gaze sweeping the nearby couples.
She cupped his jaw. “It’s okay. No one here will judge you.” Keeping his focus locked with hers, she freed his belt buckle. His hand relaxed enough to allow her to unzip his pants. Closing his eyes, he dragged in a ragged breath, the tension on his face and held within every muscle in his body unrelenting.
His tongue abandoning her slit, Nick offered a nod. It was all the encouragement she needed. Easing Kevin’s pants and boxers over his hips, she freed his raging erection. She leaned forward and sucked his cockhead past her lips, making love to his shaft with slow, seductive swallows. A groan rumbled from Kevin’s chest, his thigh tensing beneath her fingers.
“You’ve got him, sweetness. Keep him right there, on the edge.” Nick’s hands spanned her waist, lifting her onto her knees. Grazing his nails down her back, he widened her stance, his condom-sheathed cock nudging her slick entrance from behind. Relaxing her throat, she took Kevin deeper, her moan a delirious vibration as Nick entered her in one smooth thrust.
Harsh breaths panted from Kevin, accelerating in tempo with each pump of Nick’s cock inside her. Dizzy from the pleasure cresting with her, she bowed her back, rocking desperately on Nick while she greedily sucked Kevin’s swelling cock. The muscles in his abdomen quivered before becoming rock hard as he tensed. His hands trembled on her scalp, seconds before he throbbed on her tongue and came with a shuddery groan. She pulled back enough to look up at him. His eyes were screwed shut, but the intense ecstasy riding his face was enough to hurtle her into the tidal wave with him. A second later, Nick lodged deep inside her and came with his own broken groan.
Tears streaming down her cheeks, she slumped between both men, her emotions frayed. If there’d been any doubt that Nick and Kevin owned her heart, what they’d just shared had confirmed it. They turned her inside out in a way no other men could ever do.
She just prayed with everything inside her that she and Nick had managed to exorcise whatever demons haunted Kevin.
Chapter Twenty
Whoever decided Blue Monday was reserved for the last part of January clearly hadn’t been inside Kevin’s head lately. It’d been over a week since his going-away party, and the earth-shattering experience in the club’s steam room. He’d officially turned in his keys and said his final goodbyes last night. Over the past couple of days, he, Nick and Jana had spent a lot of time at her place. It’d been a not-so-unconscious decision to shield her from the depressing sight of the moving boxes piled in his living room.
But now here he was, faced with not only the packing ahead of him and the long, lonely drive to Vegas, but also the heavy weight of his choices. God knows he’d made some terrible ones in his life. He was a damn pro at it. Still, the heartache he was putting Jana through was the worst of them all. Even running out on Heather and Nick didn’t come close to comparing to this.
He frowned as he mulled over that thought. Jesus. Was this somehow comparable to that previous dickhead maneuver? Yeah, he’d accepted the job at the Cinders before getting involved in this complicated relationship with Jana and Nick. He’d sure as hell tried his damnedest to resist going down that slippery slope with them. But if that absolved him of any guilt, he didn’t feel it. Not hardly.
On top of that, he was still reeling from what happened in the steam room. Letting down his guard enough to expose a side of himself that he fought so hard to resist…it was unsettling. Watching others have sex came easier for him. He could still have the distance. Somewhat lock down his emotions. But with all those eyes on him…
A rap at his door announced Nick’s arrival. Breaking from his disturbed thoughts, Kevin crossed to the entry and freed the deadbolt. Nick stepped inside, his jaw tight as he surveyed the evidence of Kevin’s packing. “Don’t fucking do this.”
He’d heard those same words from Nick countless times over the past week. “If you’re going to give me a hard time, you can leave now. I’ll pack everything myself.” Pivoting, he stalked into the kitchen and began clearing out the cupboards.
“She loves you, and you’re going to just walk away.”
Kevin winced, not at the tight fury in Nick’s tone—God knows he deserved that—but because Nick was right.
“You think I don’t know why you’re running scared?” Nick demanded.
“Dammit, I’m not—”
Nick cut him off with a fierce glare. “You are. It happens every fucking time you start to get too close to someone. You figure you’ll check out first before they hurt you, fu
ck you over. Abandon you.”
Queasiness pitched in Kevin’s stomach. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I don’t care. You need to talk about it, Kev. It’s not good to keep it all inside you.”
Without warning, his father’s stern, commanding voice whipped through him. Real men don’t cry or get emotional. Only weaklings and pansies. Fucking man up.
“Jana isn’t your mother. She’s not going to run away one day and drop off the face of the Earth.”
The nausea sloshing in his belly intensified. “I told you I don’t want to discuss this.”
“She’s also not Madison.”
Fury momentarily nosing its way to the forefront, he glared at Nick. “Goddamn it—”
“Never saying her name isn’t going to solve anything, Kev. You can’t just bury what happened. You’ll never heal that way.”
“What good will it do to talk about it? I fucked my stepmother, Nick. Do you know how wrong that is? Jesus. I can’t erase that.”
A soft scuff drew his attention to the kitchen entry and Jana standing there. A hot wave of shame and embarrassment hit him dead center in the chest, and his stomach rolled. Her gaze held no judgment, maybe a hint of shock, but that was to be expected. “I—I’m sorry. I knocked first, but I guess you didn’t hear me.”
He swallowed, words failing him. He just wished that’d been the case a minute ago. Then he wouldn’t be standing here feeling naked and exposed.
Jana stepped toward him, her eyes soft and beseeching. “Nick’s right. It’s not good to hold things in. Whatever…happened with your stepmother…well, obviously it’s something you haven’t let go of, and it’s hurting you.” She took his hand and kissed his fingertips before cradling his palm against her heart. “I don’t want you to hurt anymore. Please talk to me.”
He stared at their joined hands, then the floor. Maybe if he didn’t look her in the eye, it would be easier. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You can. I would never judge you.”
His heart pounded. He’d lived most of his life feeling judged by those who had the power to hurt him most. It was difficult to get past the shame and guilt that’d been his constant companions for so many years. Queasiness roiling in his gut, he stared at Jana. She needed to hear this. Needed to know the ugly truth about him. Then she’d be able to decide if she could continue to not judge him.
He dragged in a deep breath and released it wearily. “When I was fifteen years old, I lost my virginity to my stepmother.” He waited for his nausea to abate before risking a peek at Jana’s face. Her expression hadn’t changed one iota from the gentle, loving one she’d worn two seconds ago.
He sucked in another fortifying breath, steeling himself, before freeing the lock guarding the most shameful period of his life. No gory detail was spared. From the very first time Madison discovered his propensity for voyeurism when she’d caught him blushing like crazy after accidentally witnessing her naked in the pool, and then later using his weakness to seduce him. It wasn’t until he spilled the part about his father kicking him out after learning about the two-year affair that Jana interrupted him.
Her expression fiery with temper, she gasped. “How could he do such a douche-bag thing? Clearly Madison seduced you, and you’re his son, for God’s sake.”
“Sweetness, I’ve said the same thing a million times.” Nick squeezed Kevin’s arm. “Take our word for it—your dad is a fucking asshole.”
“I’m not entirely innocent. I did all those things behind his back. That makes me a pretty lousy son.”
Nick shook his head. “No, it makes you human. Capable of fucking up, just like the rest of us. Madison was an adult. Twice your age. Plenty of people would consider what she did far more despicable than you giving in to her.”
Kevin wanted to agree with everything they were saying, but he’d held on to this guilt for so long, it was tough to let go. What if his father was right and Kevin was twisted and sick? Normal people wouldn’t have affairs with their stepmothers. Normal people wouldn’t get off on watching others have sex. Normal people wouldn’t have sex in a room full of strangers and fucking come like crazy.
Gut cramping, he stared at his feet before giving Jana a tortured glance. “I know these sex games we’ve played at are exciting to you right now. But it goes deeper than that for me, Jana. I’ve tried so many times to beat the voyeurism, but I can’t.”
She cupped his jaw. “The people who’ve told you it’s wrong and something you need to beat are judgmental assholes. Never be ashamed of who you are.”
He swallowed. “I don’t know how to feel anything but shame about it.”
She wrapped an arm around his waist and leaned up to kiss him. “Then let Nick and me show you that we’re in this with you for the long haul. We’ll never judge you. Or leave you.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “Please give us a chance.”
The albatross of his guilt still hung heavy around his neck. She slipped her fingers through his before leading him down the hall to his bedroom. He hesitated in the doorway. Addicted as he was to his voyeurism, it didn’t hold a candle to the crushing, desperate need he had for the woman next to him. To love someone this fiercely…it scared the living shit out of him.
Because if the day came when she started seeing him as the dysfunctional mess that he was…
Apparently sensing his inner turmoil, she began gently removing his clothes, pausing every now and then to soothe him with reassuring kisses. After dispensing with her sweater and jeans, she pulled him onto the bed and climbed on top of him. Lacing their fingers again, she kissed him sweetly. He heard Nick enter the room, but Jana kept him preoccupied with her drugging kisses.
The mattress dipped as Nick settled beside them. “You belong with us, Kev. You damn well know moving to Vegas isn’t the answer. All these years of running—it doesn’t mean shit when the person you’re running from is yourself.”
Before Kevin could formulate a reply, Jana distracted him again by wiggling, brushing his belly with her slick pussy. She took the condom that Nick handed her and sheathed Kevin’s cock with the latex. She eased onto his shaft with a blissful sigh and rocked her hips. Something soft and braided snaked around Kevin’s inner thigh and wound along the outside of Jana’s. It took a second for Kevin to realize that Nick was binding them together. He stiffened. In more ways than one. He opened his mouth to demand what Nick was doing, but the only thing that came out was a raspy groan when Jana twisted her hips.
“There’s something very symbolic about bindings. Releasing control, allowing yourself to be tied up or to someone…it can be freeing.” Nick pulled the opposite end of the rope underneath Kevin’s ass and deftly bound his and Jana’s other leg. His grin wicked, Nick wound both rope ends around his fists as he settled behind Jana and worked his cock into her pussy too, stretching her full. “Plus, it’s sexy as hell.”
Kevin’s heart pounded. He understood the message Nick and Jana were delivering. He’d have to be fucking obtuse not to. Everything inside him yearned to be an integral part of this bond. To finally just let himself go and trust his heart.
Jana stroked his jaw again, and he kissed her fingers when they brushed over his lips. As she ground into him, more tears glimmered in her eyes. “Never be ashamed. I love you exactly the way you are.”
Her words broke something loose inside him, and he felt his own eyes filling with moisture. A thick layer of the shame that’d crusted around his psyche peeled away, and he whispered the words that’d been buried in his heart for the last five years. “I love you, Jana.”
And with those words, another layer of shame flaked off his soul, disappearing with the demons who’d kept him shackled to his guilt.
There would be no more running. Not when his entire future was right here with him.
Epilogue
Kevin read over his formal letter of resignation. Since technically he’d never started the job at the Cinders, he wasn’t sure if resignation was the
appropriate word to use. Regardless, he figured the polite notice that he was regretfully declining their offer was infinitely more politically correct—and less inflammatory—than Nick’s suggestion of typing Take this job and shove it.
Once he was satisfied that everything looked okay, he sent the email off into cyberspace. That task completed, he opened another blank email. This one was much harder for him to compose, so much so his fingers shook on the keys. It’d been Jana’s idea to do this one. She was convinced it’d be a big step in the healing process for him. He supposed she could be right. Still, he stared at the blinking cursor for what seemed like an eternity.
He closed his eyes, drew in a deep breath. Finally the words came. It was only one line. But it was one he believed to the depths of his soul.
Real men aren’t afraid of their emotions, or being true to themselves.
He punched in his father’s email address and winged that one off too. In the coming days he’d likely have a lot more to add, but for now it was enough. Already his heart felt…free. Unburdened. Jana was one smart and wonderful woman to realize the power behind such a simple act.
Logging off his computer, he returned to her bedroom, where she and Nick were waiting for him. They both looked at him expectantly, and he nodded before climbing in the bed. Jana kissed him and stroked his hair tenderly. “I’m so proud of you.”
Nick squeezed his shoulder. “Me too.”
He glanced at his best friend. “I appreciate your support, so long as you don’t get ideas about kissing me too.”
“What? I’ll have you know my lips are kissably soft.”
“They are,” Jana agreed with an enthusiastic nod.
“I’ll take your word for it, sweetheart.”
