Kira didn’t feel up to riding to the airport when it came time to take them so they could catch their flight home. Dustin stayed home with her while Bryce drove them. Steve rode in the front passenger seat, and once they were away from the house he started crying.
“Jesus, someone please wake me up from this fucking nightmare.”
Bryce struggled to keep it together. “I wish. When she got here and told me, I begged her to tell me it was the world’s worst practical joke.”
“I always hated that fucker, Shawn. Never understood what she saw in him.”
“That doesn’t matter now,” Kate quietly said. “All that matters is figuring out how we can get down here more often.”
“I can’t believe how strong she is,” Steve said. “She thought about everything.” He wiped at his eyes. “Sorry, Bryce. I know this is hard on you, too, but I’m glad she has you.”
“I’m glad I can be there for her.”
“And Dustin,” Kate said. “He seems very nice. Kira told us she really likes him a lot.”
“I couldn’t do this without him.”
At the airport, he helped them with their luggage and stayed with them through check-in and walked with them as far as he could. They gave him tearful hugs.
“Please let us know immediately if…if she gets worse suddenly,” Steve said.
“I will. I promise.”
Kate took her time hugging him, reluctant to let go. “Always did want you as a son-in-law, sweetie,” she said. Her sad smile nearly started him crying again. “Not like this, but I guess it is one small bright spot in everything.”
“Yeah.”
He waved to them once they reached the security checkpoint and finally headed back to his car. After starting it, he sat there with the AC running and stared out the windshield.
Every time he thought he had a handle on his emotions, something else came at him from a different direction to knock him off balance.
He’d never seen Steve cry. This weekend, however, all of them had shed plenty of tears, including Steve.
There had been a time, when he and Kira were younger, Bryce had thought about marrying Kira.
That was before he understood why he looked at some boys the way girls did.
Maybe there’d even been a time where Kira had loved him like that.
He headed home, where Dustin was already working on dinner. Bryce stood behind him, arms around him, face pressed against Dustin’s back. He loved this, the solid security of the man. Some men might feel some stupid, arbitrary inferiority that they were shorter than their partner, but he didn’t feel like that at all about Dustin.
Dustin was safety, a gentle gravitational force keeping Bryce from spinning too far out into despair or grief.
Always grounding him, his anchor, his lighthouse.
A million other metaphors.
Mostly, Dustin was his.
That alone quieted a thousand demons in his soul.
Kira didn’t have much of an appetite tonight despite Dustin making her favorite meatloaf, and food was about the only pleasure she had left. At this rate, with Dustin always cooking her favorites for her to try to coax her to eat, Kira wasn’t the only one who’d be gaining baby weight. They managed to cajole her into eating more of the homemade mac and cheese, and end the meal by drinking one of the canned protein shakes Bryce had started stocking for her.
It was calories. For her, and for Jenny.
Once Bryce finished eating, he helped Kira take a bath and then helped her down the hall and into bed. It wasn’t uncommon for one or both men to snuggle with her in bed to talk, not wanting her isolated in her room, unless she specifically asked for privacy.
Tonight, Bryce snuggled in, his head against her tummy, his hand splayed across it. He hadn’t yet felt Jenny kick, although Kira had started noticing movement.
Kira stroked his hair. “It’s okay to cry, B. It won’t break me. I worry about you more when you don’t cry.”
At that moment, he felt a kick against his hand on her tummy.
Kira laid her hand over his. “You feel that, Papi?” They’d long ago established he was not a “Pops,” and one secret between him and Kira was that Bryce wanted Dustin to be “Daddy.”
“Yeah.” Wonder and grief and love and a massively overwhelming soup of emotions plowed into him at once and took his legs out from under him.
“She’s sayin’ hi to you.”
He remembered how he broke down in the doctor’s office the first time they all got to hear her heartbeat.
“Hi, Jenny.” He closed his eyes, face pressed against Kira’s tummy. “We can’t wait to meet you, sweetheart. Me and Mommy and Daddy.”
“Please don’t hold it in, B.”
That finished him. He closed his eyes and let it go, crying, hating himself for not being stronger and loving Kira so much for doing this, for him more than her. The doctor in Dallas had recommended terminating her pregnancy and then taking an aggressive approach to her treatment that might have guaranteed her another twelve months or longer.
Maybe.
It wouldn’t have cured her cancer, though.
He closed his eyes and hoped for another message from the daughter he hadn’t yet met.
* * * *
After an hour, Dustin realized Bryce was still in Kira’s room, so he went looking for him. He stood in Kira’s bedroom doorway and watched them together. It looked like Bryce had cried himself to sleep, his ear pressed against her belly, his arm draped over her. She had one hand buried in his hair, her eyes closed.
There wasn’t a lick of jealousy in Dustin’s soul right now, either. Just pain for them both. He couldn’t lie and say he knew what they were going through.
He had no clue.
All he knew was his own pain, watching them both hurting and feeling helpless to do a damn thing for either one of them, nothing he could do could make it better.
As if sensing his presence, she opened her eyes and her gaze met his.
“He’s asleep,” she mouthed to him.
He nodded and walked into the room, stopping by the bed. “Can I get you anything?” he whispered.
Her sad smile broke his heart. She nodded and patted the bed on her other side.
Carefully, so as not to awaken Bryce, he climbed in next to her and she lifted her head so he could slide his arm under her. Then he could see what she really wanted. He rolled onto his side toward her, letting her brace her body against his. She caught his other hand with her free hand and squeezed hard.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Then she silently cried against him.
Shit.
The man Dustin loved, his heart was breaking a day at a time.
And there was Kira, trying to comfort Bryce, when she was the one fucking dying. Carrying a baby she would never truly know.
A baby she might not even live to see born. There was a damn good chance she might slip into a coma before she could deliver Jenny. If she didn’t, it was likely she wouldn’t live more than a few weeks after Jenny was born.
That broke his heart.
“Thank you for loving him,” she whispered.
He nuzzled the top of her head. “He’s an easy guy to love.”
“This isn’t easy.”
“No, it’s not. But I’m not going anywhere.”
She went quiet and still for so long he thought maybe she’d cried herself to sleep, too, but then after a few minutes she spoke. “I know this isn’t what you signed on for. To be a dad. Thank you for loving her, too.”
“I never saw myself as much of a dad. Maybe the problem was I wasn’t with someone who could see me as a dad.”
She let out a soft gasp and slid his hand down, over her belly.
A moment later, he felt it, a kick or a punch, he didn’t know what, and his heart raced to feel it again.
Jenny didn’t disappoint.
Kira tipped her head back so she could look him in the eyes. “Maybe she sees you as her
dad already, too. They can hear in there. Voices, noises. Recognize people. She’s going to know you and B when she’s born.”
“She’s going to know you, too.”
Kira’s smile didn’t fool him in the least. “Yeah. Remember, her last name’s Butler. Make sure that’s what they put on the birth certificate. Not Walkens. Jennifer Bryn Butler.”
Another thing he loved her for, wanting to not just give her Bryce’s last name, but name her after him, too, in a way. Close enough. “You’ll be able to tell them that yourself, sweetheart.”
He didn’t want to think about the alternative plan, a set date and a C-section that would end in both a birth and a death.
He wanted to believe to the depths of his soul that she would at least get to see her baby’s eyes open, hear her cry, love her.
Say hello to her.
Let them get a picture of mother and daughter together, of Kira looking into her daughter’s eyes and smiling at her. Video so Jenny could hear her mother’s voice talking to her.
Thank god Kira’s parents hated Shawn as much as Bryce did. They were going to do their best to spend more time in Florida, but it wasn’t like they were rich, and they had to work, too.
It was more important for them to be there for the birth of their granddaughter. And Kira was speaking to them nearly every evening on Skype or FaceTime.
This sucked for everyone, but the suckage that hurt Dustin the most were the deep lines in Bryce’s face. He looked aged, like he was fifty, not thirty.
If someone had told Dustin not even the stuff about Kira, but that he’d fall hard and deep for a guy fifteen years younger than him, and who was a Dominant, he’d have laughed them out of the room. Bryce was an old soul and mature far beyond his years, even before all of this happened.
Landed on them.
He totally got what Seth had meant about the mental gas tank, though. He found himself thinking that every morning about Kira. How much longer?
When did the gauge slip from yellow to orange to red…
To black?
When did time run out, and the inevitable could no longer be avoided?
When?
At this point, she wasn’t allowing any scans, no pain meds, nothing that might possibly negatively impact the baby. Jenny could potentially be delivered as early as in four weeks, if necessary, with a good chance of survival.
Every day past that point meant a better chance of survival with less negative side effects from an early delivery.
The question also remained…how did he get Bryce through the inevitable?
Was he even capable of it?
Am I strong enough to do this for him?
Actually, the more he thought about it, the more he knew there wasn’t an alternative. He would have to wade his way through the swamp of grief and despair with Bryce, because no way in hell would he walk away from Bryce before Kira died.
This might suck, but he wouldn’t let Bryce face it alone.
He still wasn’t sure how he was going to handle being a “dad.” Or if he even could handle being a dad. He damn sure wouldn’t be a dick and walk out on Bryce in the middle of all of this. He’d never be able to live with himself if he did that.
Privately, he knew he might have to walk away later, after she’d passed and Bryce had his emotional legs under him once again. He could see Bryce being a dad. Absolutely, the guy was made for it. Maybe that was what made him such a damn good Dom at his age, a natural instinct, a quiet surety Dustin knew he’d never felt at that age.
Then again, Bryce felt a heavy weight of responsibility on his shoulders from trying cases, understanding it wasn’t just docket numbers and names, it was people and lives. This wasn’t any different, in some ways.
Dustin knew he’d have to shelve the question of “when.” He didn’t want to walk away from Bryce. He loved him, was in love with him. Not just the sex, but loved him.
But was it fair to Bryce to hang around when he wasn’t even sure he could be a dad? Bryce needed someone solid and sure for that.
There will be time to worry about that later. For now, he knew, he needed to keep his focus on Bryce and Kira and doing what little he could for them both.
Chapter Twenty-Two
From that night on, it was like Bryce shoved part of himself into a box and refused to let himself break down in front of Kira. Like he felt guilty about letting her see a weaker side of him, one that he had no problem expressing to Dustin.
Kira pointed it out to Dustin on a Monday while they were grocery shopping. She didn’t miss opportunities to get out when she felt up to it, even doing something as mundane as this. Today, she was pushing the cart more to hold on for her balance, because she refused to ride one of the electric scooter carts. That meant they shuffled along at her slow pace. Dustin didn’t mind. He grabbed things she pointed to so she didn’t have to let go of the cart.
It wouldn’t be much longer before she wouldn’t be able to manage trips like this, and Dustin couldn’t say no to her. Maybe he hadn’t known her a fraction as long as Bryce, but she’d quickly worked her way into his heart as a friend, and he completely understood why Bryce loved her as fiercely as he did.
“He should know better than trying to hide shit from me,” Kira said as she studied packages of cookies. “I can see through him like a glass of water.”
“He loves you.”
“I love him, too, big guy. Is he at least talking to you when y’all are alone?” “Big guy” was her nickname for him the way “B” was her nickname for Bryce.
Dustin didn’t want to betray Bryce’s confidence, but he also didn’t want her needlessly worrying about him. “He is.”
She let out a sigh and leaned over the handle of the grocery cart. “I guess that’s the best I can ask for. Please don’t let him burn himself out.”
“I’m trying. But you know how he is.”
“I do. Oooh, Oreos.” She stopped and scooped two packages of them into the cart, then added a third. “Did I say ‘sorry’ lately?”
This had become a running joke between them. She’d apologize for taking over his life. Then he’d let fly a comeback that never failed to make her laugh. “Hey, at least you let me sleep with your husband, so we’re copacetic.”
He hadn’t looked behind him. Apparently the older woman also in their aisle had heard and shot him a very strange look before she hurried past them.
Dustin’s gaze met Kira’s and they both burst out laughing.
* * * *
Kira was about six months pregnant when she started having more trouble walking and problems with her balance. In the house, she could lean against the wall for support, but if they were out, one or both men needed to help her to keep her from stumbling, especially outside. Dustin worried to the point he feared she’d fall and hurt herself, or the baby.
One of the benefits of Sarasota having a large retiree population was the number of medical equipment suppliers in the area. Dustin stopped by one store he passed every day on his way to work and bought a lightweight, folding wheelchair for use in the house and when out and about. It would easily fit in either of their car trunks.
Plus, he figured it would be less exhausting for her that way. She could push herself around in it if she took her time, but her rapidly decreasing hand strength and coordination meant that it wouldn’t be long before she’d need someone to move her where she wanted to be.
When he’d come home with it, Bryce had pulled him into their bedroom and kissed him, hard, deep, and so passionately that every kiss they’d shared before it felt chaste in comparison.
“I fucking love you, dude,” Bryce said.
“What?”
“Thinking of that. You’re amazing.”
Heat filled his face. “I don’t want her falling and getting hurt.”
Dustin could tell it wasn’t that Kira liked it, but she appreciated the gesture and would use it. It was a necessary evil, to her, giving up one more aspect of her life and independence.
The next step, already discussed but not yet implemented, would be renting a hospital bed for her and setting it up in the living room. She was already having trouble getting out of bed by herself in the mornings and frequently spent her days on the couch. They’d already arranged for one—all they needed was to pull the trigger on getting it.
In fact, it wouldn’t be long before one of them would have to stay home with her during the day.
It wasn’t something the men discussed, because Dustin took a hard look at the situation and knew it should be him. While Kimbra had lightened Bryce’s caseload at work, he still had a couple he couldn’t just hand over. Plus Bryce needed the income.
So did Dustin, but at least he was living with Bryce. Bryce had been paying his own bills before Dustin moved in and started chipping in. Dustin figured he’d dip into his savings. He’d had a couple of good months, and his car was paid off.
Plus Kira insisted on paying a portion of the monthly expenses, so it wasn’t like losing his income for a few months would ruin Dustin. She never let him pay for groceries, either, when she went with him. Part of everything they’d set up was adding Bryce to all of Kira’s bank accounts, so that when she died, anything left in them wouldn’t be tied up in probate. Whatever was left could go toward paying bills.
It was at six and a half months when Dustin came home for lunch and caught Kira in tears on the floor by the couch because she’d fallen and didn’t have the strength to get up. That afternoon, Dustin sat down with George Dougherty, the head of the agency, and requested an immediate leave of absence. Everyone was aware of his situation, and, fortunately, George was understanding about it. Dustin would be able to hand off his listings to Victor and Lara to take care of for him, since she was back to work following her maternity leave.
He didn’t even ask Bryce first, after Kira had begged Dustin not to call Bryce about the incident.
When Dustin arrived home that evening, Bryce hadn’t yet returned. Kira lay napping on the couch. Even in sleep, deep lines were etched in her face from the pain. He’d noticed last week she sometimes had trouble coming up with words now, or said the wrong word.
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