by Jeff Strand
Likewise, Horace spread the word to the masses about his miracle carrot, the very effigy of Christ. And sure enough, the believers came. Over time, after listening to what they had to say, Horace became a believer himself.
Eventually, both men raised enough money to keep the bank at bay and save their farms.
Floyd was always grateful for his encounter with the jackalope, even though he almost lost his life to (what was essentially) a large bunny rabbit. He wondered if he would be as grateful over the new set of tracks that appeared on his property a year later. The extremely large wolf prints were embedded in his soil, leading to and fro the tree line of his yard. As he stared into the darkness of the murky woods, with the sun slowly setting and full moon rising, a somewhat familiar sense of dread rose in his throat.
He took a deep breath and swallowed it down.
″Ah, screw this,″ he said, ″I′m too old to give a shit about dyin′.″ And with that he unzipped his pants and marked his territory, ready to battle any lupine interloper that was brave enough to cross his urinary threshold.
Besides, he was always looking for another piece to showcase in his collection of oddities.
WAR DANCE
JEZZY WOLFE
MURKY DUSK FADES INTO EARLY EVENING as a crisp breeze snakes through the tall grass, ruffling Fido′s thick chocolate colored guard hairs, standing them tall on his backside. His whiskers twitch as he skips along the unmarked path. The scent of earth and something unidentifiable fills his nostrils...something...meaty. His paws barely touch ground as he follows his nose. It′s there, right in front of him, a dark cavern tucked in the weeds.
He pokes his head in blackness, and his face feels a damp chill. His eyesight isn′t great, but he′s used to that. Sniffing the air, he searches for the scent of meatiness that lingers somewhere just beyond his vision. Squeezing into the hole, his bones compress to fit comfortably in the tiny space.
The meatiness moves! He can′t see it, but the aroma shifts, swirls a little like dust in shafts of sunlight, and then recedes. Running towards a blurry dot of white, he snakes through the length of the tunnel. He′s almost there. The meatiness will be his! He′s so close now, he can see big eyes fixed on him. Two pointy ears perked at his approach, as he emerges from the tunnel and leaps...
Oh no!
* * *
Itchy butt!
Fido rolled on his back in a blind fury, gnawing first on his tail, then his backside, then his toes. He sprawled across the platform in his cage, bumping against the food dish and water bottle. Beyond the metal bars he could see blurry restless lumps. His people were still asleep. One snorted and shifted under the blankets. He shrugged and inspected the kibble in his food bowl.
Not meatiness. Sighing, he returned to his hammock, curling around Fifi, his cage mate. Although younger only by a year, she was nearly as small as a kit, and he almost completely encircled her dainty body. Her tongue poked out of her mouth as she slept and her whiskers twitched. She must be dreaming of meatiness too, he decided. He should go back to sleep and dream of meatiness with her.
Sudden movement in the room caught his attention. A beige blur fell off the bed and slipped through the door. It loped down the hallway, receding into darkness. He couldn′t see it well enough to make out what it could be, but holy dook, it smelled delicious! Just thinking about it made his paws antsy. I need to sleep. I will feel better in the morning. Fifi looks so cozy.
I must lick her ears.
Three licks later, he was asleep again, tunneling through grassy dreamland, searching for the elusive meatiness.
* * *
Fido stretched one leg in the air, yawned twice, then licked his paws and rubbed them across his eyes. Awake already, Fifi crunched kibble over their bowl. She looked tense, her white fur tufted and messy. Fido slowly stretched his lanky body on to the platform, sliding to her side on his belly.
He licked her cheek, and said, ″What′s wrong?″
″Something bad happened last night. Mommy had a nasty mark on her leg this morning. Daddy said it was a bite.″
″Probably just a spider. We′ll eat it later.″
Fifi′s bright red eyes were full of fear as she shook her head. ″It′s not a spider this time. Daddy took her to a doctor!″ She whimpered softly. ″What if they don′t come home?″
Fido frowned, remembering the weird blur from the night before. He sniffed the air, but couldn′t detect the mystery meatiness. His stomach grumbled, not just because he really wanted to eat whatever that thing had been, but because somehow he knew it meant to hurt their people. He didn′t know why, but...It was on the bed last night, right?
Fifi loved their people almost as much as she loved Fido, because she was separated from her mom and siblings too early. And she worried a lot...about everything. So if he told Fifi about what he saw, she would panic. Panic gave her the hiccups.
He never slept well when Fifi had the hiccups. It was worse than having itchy butt!
Together, they curled up in the hammock, waiting for their people to return. Fido rested his head on Fifi′s shoulder as she drifted to sleep. His eyes were locked on the hallway. The daylight illuminated the house, revealing the shadowy corners he couldn′t see the night before.
So when the creature returned, he recognized it. Rabbit! Brown, furry, big footed...the only difference being the pointy things jutting out of its head, like mangled head teeth. Head teeth? Smelled like delicious meatiness, alright. But it looked...wrong. Mean. Moving toward their room with lopsided hops, its huge ears pricked in his direction.
Fido let out a long hiss. Leaping from the hammock, his tail fur standing on end like a bottle brush, he locked his masked eyes on the intruder and hissed again.
The rabbit loped back down the hall and disappeared.
* * *
The owners returned while the ferrets napped. Mommy woke them for their playtime as she did every day, giving them both kisses before releasing them. Fido and Fifi thanked her by arching their backs and erupting into spastic dances of joy at her feet. Fido even nibbled her big toe for good measure, dooking when she squealed and reached down to tickle his belly.
But Fido didn′t feel especially playful. He′d barely napped as Fifi snuggled against him, his mind too busy concocting a plan that would save their people from the evil rabbit. He could smell the creature faintly, could feel its eyes watching him from its hidey spot. Fur bristling, he sniffed the floor, searching for his prey.
We are going to eat you tonight, rabbit.
Fido led Fifi to their dig box, and they played in the rice as Fido told her about the creature with the delicious aroma and the bizarre head teeth.
Fifi stopped digging, her eyes wide with fear. ″A monster rabbit? Holy dook! Is it gonna eat us?″
″No!″ Fido pounced on her back, so Mommy would think they were wrestling. ″It had that same smell, the smell that means we can eat it. We′ve eaten rabbit before, so I say kill it. Then we munch it all up while our people are sleeping. We get a big tasty treat, and they have no idea they were ever in danger. DANCE!″
They both leaped around the dig box, showering uncooked rice all over the floor, scrambling away as Mommy exclaimed over their mess.
″What was that for?″ Fifi dooked softly, her tiny fangs latched onto the back of his neck.
″We need to be ready. It will be back tonight, I can feel it. Go play with Mommy so she won′t see what I′m doing.″
Fifi bounced across the room and latched onto Mommy′s ankle, her impromptu ambush a successful diversion. Mommy was too busy tickling and chasing Fifi around the living room to notice Fido scampering back to the bedroom.
In the cage, Fido packed a few pieces of kibble into a hole below the door with his paw. That will do. When Mommy put them up for the night, she would close the bottom door, but the lock would not catch. Once their people were asleep, he would be able to push the door open.
It′s time to practice my war dance.
* * *
Daddy′s loud snores woke Fido. He′d eaten only a little kibble after playtime, curling up in the hammock to dead sleep as he waited for their people to retire. Dreams of delicious aromas circled nightmares of jutting head teeth and empty round eyes, leaving him both edgy and hungry as he stretched awake.
Fifi yawned and climbed from the hammock, red eyes glinting in a wayward shaft of moonlight. After a drink of water she licked her lips, bouncing her head from side to side. ″Do you think this will take long? I was dreaming of pinky mice, and now I′m starving!″
″I haven′t seen it yet, but I can smell it. Get a whiff.″
Fifi lifted her head and sniffed. Her eyes widened and her tail puffed, her fuzzy body poised to pounce. ″I need to eat that!″
″Me too!″ He licked her ear before taking the lead. ″Now, follow me and stay close.″
They descended the ramps and paused at the cage door. Fido squinted into the dark. No sight of the rabbit. Paws on the cage bars, Fido gave them a shove.
The door hinges squealed as it swung open. Their people didn′t stir.
But just past the dark of the hallway, something else did.
* * *
They crept along the wall, bodies low to the floor. Fido was tense, ready to attack... but he was not afraid. Squeezing under the scalloped trim of a sideboard, they peered into the gloomy dining room. A rabbit couldn′t reach them there...the perfect command central for two slinky assassins.
″Okay,″ Fido whispered. ″The plan is easy. Distract and attack. If I can get on his back, I can bring him down.″
Fifi licked her lips again. ″Hey! What if I poof on him? Will that distract him?″
″Holy dook, that′s a good idea! Give him a big poof in the face, then come back here. Do not come out until I tell you it′s safe.″ Fido crawled into the open, and sniffed the floor. ″I′m gonna get him over by that chair, so I can leap on him from behind. Wait here until I bark. Then run out, poof like crazy, and come back. The evil bunny wont know what hit him!″
Fifi chuckled, her eyes twinkling in excitement. ″I bet he tastes like chicken...″
A long shadow fell across the floor, sending Fido scampering back under the sideboard in surprise. The shape jerked forward awkwardly, blocking the shaft of light that spilled from a kitchen night light. The biggest rabbit they′d ever seen followed, stumbling over its feet as it padded across the carpet.
Fido could see the head more clearly than before, and his tummy contracted when he realized the weird head teeth were actually large antlers.
Fifi clucked softly, every hair on her body standing on end. ″What is that thing?″
Fido never saw a rabbit with antlers before. It looked...ridiculous. ″A rabbit suffering from an identity crisis?″
Fifi dooked. ″It looks like an abdominal snowbunny!″
The smell wafted into their hiding place, the same wonderful aroma Fido hunted in his dreams. ″Abdominal or not, that′s dinner!″
Fifi, overcome with excitement, darted from the hidey spot before Fido could hold her back. Her tiny white body bounced across the floor into the path of the evil horned rabbit, and spun around. Tail erect like a miniature skunk, she hopped up and down as she poofed, barking almost as loud as a dog.
″Get him, Fido! Come on! He′s right here!″
″Yeah, Fido, come and get me!″ The rabbit′s voice was a low growl meant to taunt, spittle dripping from his incisors as he turned towards the sideboard. His eyes were red-rimmed, his fur mangy, and mud caked his oversized feet. Mixed in with the delicious aroma of raw rabbit was an unusual smell Fido didn′t catch earlier. Vaguely familiar, sort of chemical...Fido sniffed hard, trying to identify the foreign odor, but he couldn′t place it.
Meanwhile, the rabbit turned back quickly, head low, his antlers arcing to the right and lifting Fifi off the floor. She hissed and barked, wrapping her legs around a horn as he thrashed his head back and forth.
Fido watched his beloved being tossed above the monster′s head, and for the first time, he felt afraid. He needed to get Fifi back to the safety of their hidey spot where the rabbit couldn′t hurt her. For a moment he thought about waking their people to intervene, until he remembered the fat bandage on Mommy′s leg.
No! This is my plan, and I′m gonna bring down that oversized buffet if it′s the last thing I dook!
Puffing up his dark fur, he charged into the open, his banded eyes locked on their attacker. Just inches from the rabbit′s feet, he pushed off his feet and leaped into the air, arcing and twisting his body. Bouncing and hopping back and forth, he proceeded to war dance like never before, a streak of chocolate and musk that mesmerized the interloper. Jumping over the rabbit′s head, he catapulted over his backside. The rabbit staggered, struggling to stay upright.
″What are you doing,″ he shouted. ″Stop that ridiculous jumping! Have you lost your mind?″
But Fido continued dancing, around the floor, up and over, cart wheeling and spinning faster. The rabbit swayed and stumbled, Fido′s crazed movements confusing his reflexes. He snapped at Fido as the ferret somersaulted across his nose, and Fido caught a whiff of the strange smell again. Only this time he recognized it. He smelled it on Daddy′s breath sometimes.
Whiskey!
Suddenly the rabbit roared, jerking his head forward and flinging Fifi to the floor. ″You farted in my eye! That is absolutely revolting! What is wrong with you?″
Fido did not stop moving, his dancing erratic. He was pouncing circles around the horned rabbit, who stumbled and fell like an inebriated old man. Seizing the moment, Fido leapt onto the rabbit′s back and sunk his fangs into the back of his neck, the familiar taste of blood in his mouth. Digging his claws into the monster′s fat haunches, he bit down again, deeper this time, over and again. The rabbit screamed and flailed under his assault. Driven by the coppery flavor in his mouth and the metallic smell that flooded his nostrils, Fido ripped into the rabbit′s flesh, severing the tough tendons of his spinal cord.
The rabbit collapsed, his movements reduced to involuntary twitches. Fido continued decimating his body until he went completely limp, arterial blood seeping into the carpet. The monster was gone, the remnants of life fading from his black marble eyes.
Fido scampered to Fifi′s side, nudging her with his nose, licking her ears frantically. She did not move, her body lifeless as he tried to wake her. He tugged on her neck, blew on her whiskers...but she didn′t respond.
Exhaustion won over, so he wrapped his body around hers, rested his chin over her face, and drifted to sleep.
* * *
The smell of meatiness filled his nostrils, wafting in circles around his head, and his stomach grumbled. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked over at the giant horned rabbit, and sighed. He should′ve felt jubilant, satisfied...but he was weary. Lonely. Rather than making a well deserved meal of his kill, he decided to return to the bedroom and wait for his people to wake.
I miss Fifi. Mommy is gonna be so sad when she finds her.
″Hey! Where are you going?″ A tiny white head popped up from behind the carcass, mouth as ruby red as her eyes. ″You have to taste this! Abdominal snowbunnies are delicious!″
Fido, overwhelmed by joy and relief, danced again — but this was no war dance. He bounced around the dead rabbit and leapt on Fifi′s back, covering her in licks and nuzzles as they wrestled, oblivious to the blood smeared all over their fur. They chased each other around the dining room, dooking their victory, leaving tiny crimson paw prints in their wakes.
Then light flooded the room and they heard Mommy scream, ″My carpet!″ And then, ″What on earth is that thing?″
Daddy, who followed the muddy monster tracks into the kitchen, shouted, ″My expensive whisky!″
* * *
Despite their people′s horror, Fido and Fifi were allowed to eat their fill of the giant rabbit before Daddy burnt the remains in the garden. The antlers were saved and mounted on the wall in the dining
room above the sideboard.
After the night of the Jackalope, Mommy let Fido and Fifi inspect the house before bedtime to be sure more monsters hadn′t found a way in. She would kiss them both on the noses, calling them her little jackalope assassins, and watch them drift to sleep.
In his dreams — night after night — Fido ate that giant monster bunny.
And holy dook, was it delicious!
THE JACKALOPE AND THE JELLYBEAN
FAWN
IT WASN′T ALWAYS THIS WAY. There was a time when Jackalopes stood silently among us as respected visionaries and guardians. After the great depression of 2190 and near destruction of the Earth, the Jackalopes evolved from their former selves into practically another species — Jackalones. What caused this bizarre mutation? Trillions of lies, the loss of integrity, the loss of truth, greed, destruction and broken hearts overwhelmed the Universe. The only Jackalope who had not mutated was Sagacious Amerigo Vespucci, the Jackalope who′d helped Ronald Reagan become the United States President back in the ancient days of 1981.
Sagacious and Ronald met by chance when Sagacious had taken a wrong turn into Ronald Reagan′s vast and impenetrable Californian ranch. Slamming hard into Reagan′s broad chest, each let out a slightly loud and startled bellow. Reagan, falling backwards off of his horse, promptly rolled over on the ground and gripped his shotgun tightly.
With an amused look on his face, he pointed the weapon straight at Sagacious, shouting, ″Who and what are ya little fella?″
