by CJ Lyons
We had lunch outside, because it was so nice out, although there were some brown and orange leaves falling. Summer’s dying today, little by little. The weather started a mild conversation about favourite times of year, which we had completely different opinions on.
Generally, I favour the wintertime, because everything is beautiful, and I really enjoy the spirit of Christmas. Noah’s favourite season is summer, because he likes the colours of the flowers.
It occurred to me today that we are very unlike any of the other guys in the class, who might deem a conversation such as this as girly or wimpy or whatever. I don’t know, maybe they all talk about sparkles and flowers when no one is within earshot.
He also gave me a gift today, claiming it wasn’t for any particular reason. He gave me a small blue glass heart on a silver chain. I put it on immediately, and tucked it in my shirt.
After I did so, he looked at me quite seriously and requested that I protect it.
“Well, of course! But what does it need protecting from?”
“That is one of the few things I have kept that has never been broken. I request you keep it that way.”
“Sure thing!”
It’s quite nice, I think, but now I find myself questioning the reason he gave it to me. It seems a bit… romantic.
However, I doubt he thought of it that way, I don’t think he quite grasps the idea of most social conventions.
I’m really happy though, it’s akin to him giving me his heart. I’ll protect it with my life.
139 Days, 11 October, Saturday
I’m writing after a particularly difficult day; think I almost died. Obviously I didn’t because I haven’t reached my expiry date yet. Oh, I’m talking about myself as if I’m a dairy product, and have a limited time before I spoil. Which I guess is a sort of dark way at looking at life and death. No wonder everyone has that mentality to reach to the very back of the shelf for that milk that won’t expire for another day.
So today, I was just cooking some macaroni, and fiddling with the necklace Noah gave me when my throat started to itch.
At first I just assumed I swallowed weirdly or something, and coughed to clear my throat. That’s when I realised something was actually wrong. Felt my throat constricting, air was barely getting through.
Terra was in the living room, but I couldn’t even manage a sound to warn her what was happening. In a weird moment of practicality, I turned off the stove and moved the pot off the burner, figuring whatever was happening to be serious.
Tears sprang into my eyes as I coughed and choked for breath; gripped the counter and edged my way along it, almost falling into the living room.
Kept trying to call for Terra’s help, wheezing out unintelligible sounds. I barked out a rough cough, which made her look around, and she jumped right off the couch and ran over to me.
“Aerian, what’s wrong? Are you choking? Did you swallow something?”
Shook my head, holding my throat and clinging to the wall for support. She guided me down carefully as my legs gave out, and held me in an upright sitting position against the wall.
“Are you- are you having an asthma attack?”
Her surprise was not totally unfounded, I’ve never shown symptoms of asthma before today. I guess it’s in our family history though.
Couldn’t reply, and soon found my attention drifting in and out. My chest really hurt, and now I was getting scared. What if I was wrong in assuming I had 139 days left? Just because the prediction said I had that much time didn’t guarantee a free pass until then.
Getting scared did not help matters, it only pulled harder at my chest and shot spasms of pain through my whole body. I was partially aware of Terra talking; she was holding my head straight so my airway stayed unhindered. She must have been talking on the phone, now that I think about it.
Inhaled a few more choppy disjointed breaths, trying to calm down. Even in that situation, some weird logical part of me determined that getting scared wasn’t helping me at all. Managed to breathe a little more smoothly after calming myself.
All I can really remember after that is holding Noah’s heart through my shirt, and the smell of Terra’s hand moisturiser.
Then, getting up, walking, driving, almost falling, being carried, a hospital bed. Remember coming back to a clear reality when someone placed a soft breathing mask on my face.
Now I’m at home, with absolute strict orders from Terra to not move under any circumstance until she had come back with my prescription for an inhaler.
Wish she’d hurry up, I really have to pee.
When Terra came home, she had two pizzas with her, which smelled absolutely delightful. Was allowed to move downstairs, as long as I sat really still on the couch and permitted her to fuss over me. Suppose it’s her nurse-like tendencies. She wrapped me up in the giant red fuzzy blanket that she always claims when we watch television together, so I guess she must really be worried.
I understand her, though. We’re all we’ve got. There, my heart broke for her again.
I’m so sorry, Terra.
138 Days, 12 October, Sunday
I’m glad it’s Sunday. I would’ve felt like a slacker if I missed school and work if it was Monday.
Terra absolutely demanded I stay in bed as much as possible today, and kept a close watch on me throughout the day. However, she had to let me cook supper, cause she didn’t want to make something that could possibly kill me after yesterday’s episode.
Kept it simple, I made some chicken fettuccine. Which Terra always asks for my recipe for, and I won’t tell. Maybe I’ll write it in here so she can have it when I’m gone.
Hm, well. It’s weird breathing today, kind of shaky, and I take a really deep breath every four or so normal breaths.
I’m just writing this and going to bed now. Goodnight.
137 Days, 13 October, Monday
Okay, last night was unpleasant. Had another mild attack, which started off as just a cough. Didn’t think much of the cough, figuring it was normal after nearly asphyxiating. When it became more persistent, I realised what was happening, and reached for my inhaler, scrabbling for it in the dark.
Terra had given me a basic lesson on how to use it, but I’m still a total newbie at this thing. Got it ready, coughing harshly as I did so. The first inhale on it went down weird, making me cough even harder. Tears ran down my face, and I tried again. I managed to make it work this time, and felt air rush down my throat, refreshing me.
Reached for the light, and clicked it on, swallowing deeply. Wow. That wasn’t fun at all. Took a swallow of water and went back to bed, making sure to lie on my side, because Terra tells me this is better for breathing at night.
Went to school for lunchtime, after making a really nice lunch for Noah and I.
He seemed happy to see me, and even managed to smile his weird closed-mouth smile. When we sat down at our usual corner table in the cafeteria, he tilted his head to the side curiously.
“You don’t seem as well today. Are you ill?”
“I had an asthma attack yesterday, it was pretty bad, so I’m feeling a bit wiped out.”
A thoughtful look crossed his face, mixed with concern. “Are you in any pain?”
“No… well, yeah, I guess my throat is a little sore.”
He pressed his lips together; I’ve observed this means he has made a decision. He reached forward, and placed his slender fingers against my neck. They were cold, but seemed to drag the rough scrape out of my throat.
After a few seconds, he sat back, “I hope it feels better soon.”
“Y-yeah, it feels a bit better already. You must have some kind of magic, huh?” I laughed a little nervously, wasn’t sure what to think. “Like a healer.”
All he did was breathe out a little chuckle and then took a bite of his sandwich.
“So what are you doing tonight?” I asked, enjoying the opportunity to make small talk. It’s nice to discuss things other than his injuries and stuff lik
e that.
He cleared his throat, coughing a bit, “I believe I shall spend some time with my sister, and possibly read a book or two. What is on your agenda for this evening?”
“Well, I was going to just go home, since I wasn’t feeling so good, but now I guess I’ll go to work. Thanks to you and your crazy healing powers, I’m feeling much better!”
“You are very welcome.”
“Hey, do you think you could come by sometime this week for dinner? I’d like you to meet my sister under better circumstances.”
“It is possible, I suppose. I must request permission first.”
“Sure thing! Can you ask for tomorrow or the next day? Terra’ll be home those days.”
“I will not forget to ask.”
“Great!”
“I feel I must tell you something, however.”
“Hm? What’s that?”
“I have omitted a full truth, and am feeling conflicted on whether or not to let you know the entirety of it.” He coughed, covering his mouth with his hand.
“Hey, you ok? Did you choke?”
“The truth, do you want it?” He asked, ignoring my question.
“Um, eh, sure?”
“I cannot heal people. Healing dispels pain and impurity from both subjects involved. There is a skill that certain individuals possess that allows the transition of feelings and ailments from one to the other. Since I possess this skill, I am able to take all of your pain and injury into myself to save you from it. Therefore, I am not a true healer, but have the ability to remove people’s pain, if I am able to bear it myself.” He swallowed deeply, “I am happy that it works on you.”
Sat there, totally stunned. Then I got angry. “What?! Why would you do that? You’re in pain now because of me, and you’re happy about it? That’s ridiculous!!”
He looked taken aback, a bright blush burning up his cheeks. “I’m- I’m sorry… I thought you would be happier if you felt well. I’m very sorry.”
Regained control of my temper, pinching the bridge of my nose, “Look, don’t apologise. I…”
“Please forgive me, I will not disobey you in the future.”
“Hey, what? You don’t have to obey me, do whatever you want, but at least let me know if you’re gonna do something like that. I’m not in charge of you, you’re your own person. Don’t want to be healed or whatever if it hurts you. You’ve got enough to deal with.”
The bright blush still lingered on his face, but he nodded, swallowing. He looked so ashamed of himself. What else could I say?
“Hey, I’m not mad, okay?” I said after an awkward moment.
“I believe you. I am simply struggling with a persistent feeling of embarrassment and shame. I will be sure to ask your permission before I touch you again.”
That made me blush, just the way he said it. Maybe it’s my perverted teenage mind, but that sounded kind of sexual. Then, looking at him, he’s pretty much the most innocent, chaste thing I’ve ever seen. I wanted to reply to that in a way that didn’t sound pervy or suggestive, but couldn’t think of an adequate response. Then it occurred to me he wouldn’t take anything wrong, no matter how I said it. So I just said it.
“You can touch me as much as you want.”
He nodded, smiled in his weird way, and continued eating his sandwich.
Sort of chuckled to myself after saying that; if I had said it to anyone else, I know they would have taken it suggestively.
Wondered if maybe he did get the implications of that, and was merely feigning his ignorance. He’s really smart, so he could just be stringing me along in his weird suggestive talk.
Terra was waiting for me when I got home, and ushered me in the door quickly as soon as I walked up the drive.
“I got you a present! Come in!” she was really loud, she gets that way when she’s excited.
Gently, she took my arm, and then not-so-gently tugged me into the garage. “There! Do you like it?”
Before us stood a small street bike, kind of worn-out, but with the occasional glimmer of a new part throughout its construct. It was mostly black, but had a spark of bright red here and there where the paint chipped.
I was speechless.
She looked at me expectantly, eagerly waiting for a reply.
“Ah- Um- wow, Terra, what’s this for?” I stammered, taken aback by the sheer unexpectedness of such a grand gift.
“This was your actual birthday present, not that cheap diary, it just took a lot longer to get fixed up than I had originally planned. So Happy Birthday, little brother!”
I grinned, and hugged her tightly, “Terra, I love you! Thank you so much!!”
“I just can’t believe you didn’t clue in when I made you get a Class 6 instead of a Class 5 licence.”
Thought about that, and yeah, that would have been a great clue if I wasn’t so obtuse.
Since she had neglected to get the helmet, I have to wait until a little later in the week to try it out, but I did sit on it, and it’s really comfortable.
Just got visions of myself driving around with big goggles, and a scarf. What?
Hahaha, all around it was a pretty good day.
136 Days, 14 October, Tuesday
Think I got my first ever love letter today. Noah showed up at the very end of the day, looking really out of breath. He pressed an envelope into my hand, and then turned around and ran out of the school.
People stared after him, myself included. Someone running full pelt down the hallway, nimbly dodging other people, always seems to draw attention.
I examined the envelope, it was a sort of off-white, and was sealed with a silver rose sticker. Sort of girly, but it also seemed to suit him. I decided to read it when I got home, so I could really savour the words. This was one of my better decisions, I think.
Gonna paste it in here, just for posterity.
To Aerie,
I am sorry I could not say this to you in person, for I fear I lack the courage to simply state something like this. You are the only person who has ever truly shown me kindness, and I would like to thank you for that kindness. “Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless.” I believe this to be true, as I doubt you realise the importance your friendship holds for me.
I will say now my reasons for writing this, that is, I think I could possibly love you for your kindness. Please inform me if this is a problem for you, and I will immediately withdraw my interest. I hope this will not affect our friendship in any way. Please believe I would be terrified to lose you now.
Your friend,
Noah
Read it over and over, making sure I got the words right. (He has easily the most beautiful handwriting I have ever seen in my entire life, but it is a bit hard to read). It was a surreal feeling, like I was in some kind of fiction, and this was a plot point to knock me off balance.
How am I supposed to respond to this? His words are so beautiful, I don’t know how to reply with something even half as meaningful.
There is no way we won’t stay friends. But I don’t know if I love him.
Wait, of course I do. Think I loved him all my life, before I even met him. He’s been there, in my dreams for much of my life. I’ve held him and cared for him through all our nightmares, and now I’m having reservations when I finally meet him in real life?
That’s ridiculous. Dunno if he loves me romantically, or platonically though. He’s so serious about everything, Wonder if he’s even considered romantic love.
Wait. You are the only person who has ever truly shown me kindness… The only one? There’s got to be someone else. There has to be.
I can’t be the only one who loves him. That’s ridiculous.
But if I am, I’m going to do my best to care for him totally.
It’s my purpose to love him, I know it. A cruel twisted fate spun out into tangles of purpose.
And it’s my love for him, and his for me, that will kill me.
Unless I can find
some way to remove his bad luck that everyone tells me about. Maybe, maybe if I can do that, I can live past the 27th of February.
Please let me think of a way.
Please.
135 Days, 15 October, Wednesday
So last night, my dreams were… sort of strange (-er than usual). Won’t go into real great details, but I am now aware of my physical attraction to Noah. Wouldn’t have recorded this if it wasn’t important. Not to mention the fact that the letter is weighing heavily on my mind. How am I supposed to bring something like that up?
Sort of mixed between really really embarrassed and really really pleased. Being in class with him today was weird, I was hyper-aware of every movement he made.
The most exciting one for me was when he loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt. This must be a fetish for me, this whole unbuttoning shirt thing. Had to mimic his actions, my body giving an interested jerk as I watched him.
Every time he moved his head, all the tendons in his neck moved, sliding underneath his weirdly pale skin and the few remaining stitch marks from the huge cuts.
Couldn’t believe it had been a month since he showed up on my doorstep all broken and bleeding. Since I saw him, totally defenceless and fully trusting. He was naked in my bathtub.
Thoughts of that surged through me, colouring my face a brilliant pink.
Had to close my journal and put it away, as the Math teacher was lurking around, waiting to ambush me and see if I was actually doing the assignment. Like I ever am. Ecch.
We had lunch together today, made roast beef and lettuce sandwiches. Simple yet so satisfying.
As he was finishing his sandwich, I noticed he kept stealing glances at me, and then when I would look at him, he’d blush and look away.
“What?” I asked eventually, prompting him to look at me in the eye. His eye seems extra blue today.
“I was curious…”
“…if I read your letter? Yeah, I did.”
He stared at me with his usual lack of expression, all eyes and seriousness.
“And I think it’s okay.” I said.
“Okay?”
“Yeah.”
