by Yuriko Hime
"No need," she refused. "I'm about to go home too. I don't usually stay after shows. It's too much of a hassle to escape. You know how it is."
"And your manager?"
"I fired him. It didn't work out anymore."
"I see." I grabbed my bag on the chair and took out my notebook. Quickly, I scribbled my number on it before tearing the piece of paper and handing it to her. "You can reach me with that," I said. "Just in case you need anything." Just in case you think that my talent was the one who hit you, I thought gravely. Then I'd beg for her to keep her mouth shut. This wasn't how I used to think. How the circumstances have changed me.
After saying goodbye to Bianca, I went to the staff and told them that Uno wasn't feeling well and had to go home. I didn't want anyone to think that she has become an obnoxious star, a person who didn't thank the people she has worked with. I took a cab on my way home. As for Carter, I messaged him and said that an emergency happened. If he wanted, he could stay in the concert as long as he wanted. I'd make it up to him another day.
I was prepared to knock on Uno's bedroom, but saw her seated on the living room couch when I arrived. I sat beside her. "Bianca is doing fine. She has a migraine but other than that, there's no problem. She didn't want to call the doctor."
Uno flinched when I tried to touch her. My hand hovered uselessly in the air. "Tell me how you feel," I coaxed gently. "I will try to understand you."
She raised her head slowly and turned to me. Her eyes were like glass shards that were ready to slice me if I dared say another word. "Someone as normal as you cannot possibly imagine the pain I'm going through," she said. "Don't even try to get inside my head. You won't like what you see."
I lowered my hand. "You're right. But you're also a good person Uno. Why do you act like you're such a monster? The thing with Bianca wasn't your fault. I know it in my heart."
"You know nothing about me and the things I've done in the past to tell me that I'm not a monster," she said. "I've done my fair share of cruel things to save me from myself." She stood and went to the glass wall to stare outside. Her thoughts were far away. It seemed like we weren't occupying the same room though we were there physically. I needed to find a way to get through her. "How do you escape from yourself?" she asked. "If you can tell me that, I will let you in."
"By running to someone who loves you."
"And you think you're that person?"
"Y-yes."
Her icy stare made me cold. So cold that the sensation turned to burning, as if I was set ablaze. "What you're feeling is a mistake," she said without blinking. "You're better off loving someone else, someone who can return the feeling, because I don't care for you at all." My legs shook at the intensity of her indifference. I felt my lips quiver. It was the most cruel thing that someone could have possibly told me, and it came from her. I turned away and swallowed hard. "Now tell me I'm not a monster," she murmured.
I was unable to speak. Any moment now and the tears would start falling. I didn't want her to see me like that. "Do me a favor," she said to break the silence. "Stay away from me."
"Do you mean that?" I said as I met her gaze.
She shrugged indifferently as she stared behind me, like I was a dirt that she didn't want to look at. "Every single word. This is not the type of dream where you can turn me into something you want. This is a nightmare, and it goes on forever. If that wasn't clear before, I'm making myself clear now. You're nothing but a nuisance. I hate your voice and the way you keep pestering me. I hate how you always hover. Your presence in this house is an insult. If it weren't for your mother, I wouldn't take you here."
Despite the need to cry, I forced my mouth to quirk up. It was true about what she said. The least I could do was be grateful for her help. "Thank you for doing that," I said. "The moment I turn eighteen, I will leave this place so I can't bother you anymore." I pushed myself off the sofa and headed for my room without a backward glance. The tears fell when I sank on my bed, burying my face in the pillow.
I have never met someone so selfish, cruel, manipulative, and indifferent to people's feelings before. I've never been so mad at someone in my life. I've never wanted to scream and lash out my anger on anyone like this. How could the world be so brutal? How could I have fallen in love with such a person?
I thought of calling Carter to tell him my situation. He always had something rational to say during awful moments. I didn't feel the familiar shape of my phone in my pocket. Uno still had it. I decided that it wasn't worth the pain of seeing her. It was better if I stayed put here.
Mom's voice suddenly rang in my head. Of all the times I would remember, it had to be now. "She's fine," mom said when I asked her about the neighbor who had tried to commit suicide."It's not her fault, but the sickness she had. Don't make her accountable for her irrational actions. What she needs is help, not your judgment Riri." Remembering it now, I wondered if mom was trying to tell me about Uno and what I should do when confronted with a situation. Was she training me in a way?
I closed my eyes for a moment. No matter how I looked at it, mom was right. It wasn't Uno or Blaze. It was their sickness. Her sickness. She was a single person. Instead of blaming anyone, I should try to help her.
I rolled out of bed with renewed strength and went to the door. If the world was cruel on me, then it was ten times worse on Uno. I should tell her that despite pushing me away, I'd be there for her. It was what she needed. Not my love or my next to zero managerial qualities, but knowing that I'd be there for her every time she fell. I twisted the door knob and pushed. Something obstructed the way.
I twisted the knob again and tried pushing one more time. The obstruction was still there. Did she lock me in? I went on all fours and peeked through the crack to see what was causing the holdup. I saw the vague outline of a jeans.
"What are you doing there?" I said. "Why are you keeping me here? Hey," I said when she stayed silent. "Answer me."
I heard her take a deep breath. "I was cruel," she admitted.
I crawled to the door and leaned my back on it while sitting. "You were." I swallowed, trying to control my feelings. It was all over the place. "So you're just going to sit there on the other side so I can't come out?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because it's the only way I can keep you here," she said.
"You know that's not true."
"I don't know what's true anymore. Reality is becoming more warped for me as days pass by. You're the only thing that makes sense to me right now, and I don't want to lose that."
I hugged my knees. "Then don't," I whispered.
"But I also need you to stay away from me Riri. I'm a safety hazard."
"I can't," I said, brushing a tear from my cheek. "I may not look it, but I live for danger." She laughed from the other side. It was the first time I heard that from her. "Your laughter is beautiful," I said sincerely. "I wish I can hear it more often."
"Stop deluding yourself," she said. That made me smile. She sounded more like herself. I didn't answer after that. It was contenting to simply sit there in my room, knowing that she was there on the other side to keep me company. Someday the door wouldn't be between us. Someday she would open it willingly for me. That someday would only come true if we find out about her past to treat her, and I was hell bent on making it my mission.
Chapter 20. Snoop
The original goal of treatment for DID was integration- making the separated personalities into one. However, if that wasn't possible, a harmonious coexistence between Uno and Blaze would be more than enough. Neither integration nor coexistence would occur if she wouldn't be able to come to terms with her traumatic experience. At present, we had zero clue with what happened to her past to make her this way.
My personal quest, aside from being a good designer and manager, was to help Uno and Blaze in any way I could. I was beginning to understand why mom took everything away with her death so I'd be forced to stay with her talent. It wasn't because s
he wanted Uno and Blaze to take care of me. It was the other way around. Mom must have felt that I would be the only person who could stay with them and not judge.
"Thanks for coming with me," I said to Carter. "I know that you're busy with school and helping with your parent's shop." His eyes were focused on the road as he drove the car. I was on the front passenger seat with him.
"No need for thanks Ri. I'll go to the end of the world and back for you." He snorted while making a left turn. "And school? Psh. Easy peasy." Carter has formally started college two weeks ago. I didn't join him for the reasons that we've discussed before.
"Let me make it up to you at least," I said. "How does ice cream sound?"
"Ice cream sounds good, but I'd rather you save your money." He glanced quickly at me. "Is she paying you?"
"Not yet for being a manager. We haven't had a formal project since the concert." I stared out of the window as we came to a stop in front of the traffic light. The kid on the car next to us waved to me. She reminded me of Blaze who I haven't seen since the day of the concert. I sighed and stared ahead. "I've called Uno's talent agent to ask for projects. She might have an audition in line for us."
"How are you holding up with money then?" Carter asked.
"I get a monthly allowance from her," I said. "I don't really need it since I barely go out of the house anyway, but she insisted." Manager Chance would have wanted me to, I recalled Uno saying with a stubborn look on her face as she gave me a thick envelop. It was an awkward moment that I didn't want to relieve. "I also get money from the designs I sell online. You shouldn't worry about me, really. I live with a millionaire." The light turned green. Our car moved forward again.
"After hearing that, I won't worry anymore," he said. "If I have half your talent on designing clothes, I'd be rich by now. I was thinking that you made the right choice in skipping college to start your dreams early."
"Yeah, but don't you dare follow my example. Your parents will kill me if you stop." I glared at him. "Why do I get the feeling that you're not enjoying school, mister?"
He shrugged. "It's not as fun without you, and I'm also eager to help on the shop full-time. The customers who come every day are becoming fewer. I'd have to step in and see what I can do before the business crashes."
I placed my hand on top of his on the gearstick. He was tense. Poor Carter. He was the youngest, but he wanted to shoulder everything for their family. "I'll ask Uno to model for your business. I can't promise anything though. She has her own stuff to deal with. As your friend, I want to keep you in the loop, but as her manager." And someone who loves her. "I need to keep my mouth shut."
He nodded. "It's cool. I'm just glad that you're willing to try." I removed my hand from his so he could drive properly. "Is the stuff she's dealing with related to where we're going now?" he said. I've asked him to accompany me to Uno's parents. He was good at picking up subtle cues like this.
"A bit," I admitted. "Don't ask too much. I'm not allowed to tell." I pointed to the road. "Take a right there. We're getting near their place."
"Yes master," he mumbled good naturedly before making a right turn. It wasn't long before we stopped in front of the familiar mansion. Carter removed his seatbelt and watched me wrestle with mine. He bought this car a year ago with the help of his parents. It was okay for a first car, but the seatbelt had a love-hate relationship with me. He chuckled as he leaned over to remove the buckle.
"Thanks," I said when I was free. "You should really change that damn thing. I mean what if there's an emergency right?"
"I've changed it a few weeks back Ri. There's nothing wrong with the seatbelt. You're just nervous," he said seriously. "You really like her, don't you?"
I turned to the door to hide my blush. "Who?" I said in denial.
"Don't play this with me," he said. "I get it. My sister experimented with girls too."
"I'm not experimenting, Carter," I said in a clipped tone. "This is the real deal. I don't want to get it on with her for the sake of feeling a woman's breast or turning a boy on. It's not a phase either. It's not something I can move on with age because it's what I am. You can't outgrow your gayness. It just turns richer with age, like wine."
He touched my shoulder. "I didn't mean it like that. I know you're in love with her because I've never seen you like this before. I guess all I wanted to say was you should be sure that she has the same commitment before you give yourself fully. You get me don't you?" I nodded numbly, still refusing to look at him. Carter was well-meaning. I just didn't want him to see my state of confusion and anxiety. He was used to me being calm all the time.
"Your love life is really none of my business," he said. "But if you need my help with her, I'll come for you no matter what. Just getting that out of the way."
"College have made you serious," I complained, opening the door.
I heard him snort as he opened his. "And Hollywood is beginning to turn you crazy." No Carter, I thought as we made our way to the gates. Blaze and Uno did.
The gates were wide open for the charity event the last time Blaze and I were here. At present, the metal contraption was shut tight. I had to ring in three times on the intercom before getting an answer. "Who is this?" came a female's voice.
I cleared my throat before saying, "Riri. I've spoken to the Mr. and Mrs. before going here and scheduled an appointment. They know I'm coming."
"Let me get back to you," she said.
Carter and I glanced around while waiting. The landscape could be viewed from the metal bars. The lawn was as well-manicured as when I first came. "She lives here?" he asked with wide eyes. I've forgotten that he didn't know where Uno and Blaze lived exactly.
"She used to," I corrected. "She has her own house now. I've told you before that Uno likes her privacy right? That's the reason why I can't invite you over."
"Imagine how much this property must have cost," he gushed. "Uno is so lucky being born from a family this rich, having a beautiful face, and becoming as famous as she is now. You're also in love with her." He gripped the bar and leaned his head so he could peer inside more. "People would kill to be her. She has everything."
I stared at the sky. Contrary to popular belief, Uno and Blaze didn't have everything. Her names were proof of that. I shouldn't even be calling her two names if everything was great as we were letting on. "Yeah," I lied.
The intercom sounded. "I've verified your meeting with Sir and the Madame. I'll be happy to let you in." Like Uno's gate in her property, the one in front of us made a buzzing sound before it opened automatically. Carter took a nervous step backward. I had to take his hand to steer him toward the mansion.
An attendant was waiting for us inside. I didn't know what her job was since she was wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans, and had her long hair tied in a ponytail, but she did direct us to a room. Carter was giddy as we passed the grand staircase. Memories of me and Blaze running to it flashed in my head. I smiled. The attendant opened the door to a room for us. "Please wait here while I call them," she said.
"Nice parlor," Carter said, taking in the room. It had a maroon and beige tone, making it warm to the eyes. We sat on the sofa. For the first time today, I was hit with nervousness. It wasn't obvious when we were in the car. Now that we were actually inside Uno and Blaze's home, I couldn't help but fidget on my seat.
Carter stared at the paintings. Most of them were landscapes depicting a scenery. "Imagine living here as a kid Ri. That would be so cool."
I nodded and didn't answer. I could picture the smaller version of Uno and Blaze going to this very parlor to sneak a peek at the paintings. She might even have played near the fireplace in the corner at some point. I've never asked her formally about what she could remember. It was too personal, I thought. Maybe her parents could shed light into the situation better, though they didn't really know her condition.
Hard as it was, I was telling myself not to get mad or blame them. DID sufferers were always victim of sexual or physical abuse
. It might have been the parents. But then again, it might be someone they knew. It was important not to give my judgments until I've spoken to them, which was why we were here. Of course I have to downplay my reasons while I was at it.
The parlor doors opened. Her parents have arrived. Carter and I stood from our chair. It felt like we were meeting a queen on some faraway place. I had no idea how to conduct myself. Should I bow? Should I smile politely? Uno and Blaze's father lead his wife to where we were. I smiled rigidly. It was one thing to talk to them on the phone or be introduced by Blaze herself. It was another to be here on my own.
Her dad shook our hands firmly. "Riri, is it?" he said in his commanding tone. "I remember meeting you on the party."
I nodded. "Yes. Mr. Gerald, this is my friend Carter." I gestured to my friend. "He's my subordinate." Carter raised his eyebrows questioningly at me but didn't ask why I called him that. "Carter," I said. "This is Mr. Gerald and his wife. . ." I frowned and realized that I didn't know the woman by her first name. Stupid move Riri. I should have researched about it first.
"Call me Simone," Blaze's mother said. "And call my husband Gerald."
"Of course. . . Err, Gerald and Simone," I said to Carter quickly to hide my embarrassment.
Mr. Gerald harrumphed. "Take a seat," he said. The four of us awkwardly found our places.
"Let me get to the point," I said. "I'm here to interview you." Gerald and Simone glanced at each other.
"For what?" Simone asked. "We've told everyone before that we're serious businessmen and don't want anything to do with Hollywood except when it involves charities. We want Blaze to stop. Her old manager understood that quite well, and I believe that we've told you on the masquerade ball."
