by Steve Lang
“Do you know what lives in those mountains?” The chief asked.
“Demons.” Cedric answered.
“Yes, the Phantom Lord lives up there.” The chief said.
“What does the Phantom Lord look like?”
“He has the body of a man, the head of a goat, and wings like an eagle. He flies around and produces fire from his hands.” The chief said.
“Baphomet? Baphomet is your Phantom Lord? That would explain why there were no footprints other than the campers’ found at the Dyatlov Pass incident.” Cedric replied.
He shook his head, thanked the chief for his hospitality and walked off, smirking to himself.
It was summer in the Ural Mountains, and the only time of year Dead Mountain would not be buried under a blanket of impassable snow. The further Cedric walked the more sulfuric the air became. He had Daisy strapped over his back, and checked the guitar case for holy water infused bolts. He counted nineteen. Cedric’s crossbow, Vlad, was a reliable weapon when quarters were too close for Daisy. Dead quiet surrounded Cedric as he walked, but it was not long before he heard the gentle flapping of wings nearby, and looked up.
“Baphomet. Always a pleasure.” Cedric said. He gave the demon a wry smile.
“What are you doing here, Cedric, and why should I spare your life…this time?” Baphomet asked.
“Last time it was you at the end of my blade, Phantom Lord. You seriously have these people calling you by that ridiculous name?” Cedric said.
“It keeps them out of our business, and I don’t have to kill trespassers. Life here used to be so much easier before the humans became overpopulated for the second time. We had more room.”
“I’m sure you did, but I’m not here to fight you or make nice, either. I need to speak with Lucifer, and I suspect you’re hiding him up here.” Cedric said.
“Hiding? Ha, there’s no such thing. He does what he wants. I just stay out of his way. You should leave.” Baphomet said.
“I must speak with him. There’s trouble in Hell, you know it, and it’s in both our interests that I speak with Lucifer.”
“You’ll die!” Baphomet screamed.
A bolt of pure radiation shot forth as Cedric dived out of the way to escape the blow. He rolled on the ground, unsheathing Daisy as Baphomet buzzed him, scratching his face with the sharpened claws of his right hand. The Phantom Lord shot another bolt of white hot fire toward Cedric, and the Demon Slayer parried with Daisy, sending the bolt right. It struck Baphomet in his left wing, sending the demon spiraling out of control and into a tall pine. Cedric raced to his guitar case and retrieved Vlad.
He nocked a bolt and turned to face Baphomet, but the demon was gone. With Daisy in one hand, and Vlad in the other, Cedric crept forward eyes on treetops. Deafening silence surrounded Cedric as he walked. With sudden ferocity, Baphomet swooped out of the trees like a rifle shot pointed straight for Cedric, but the demon slayer was prepared for him and ducked. As Baphomet flew by Cedric thrust upward and cut the demons left wing off. Baphomet screamed in agony while Cedric rolled over and fired a bolt sure and true into the Phantom Lord’s right but cheek. Baphomet writhed for another moment and vanished in a puff of smoke.
“Back to Hell, lackey!” Cedric screamed.
Cedric ran forward, no time to spare, locating the cave entrance not far from his skirmish with Baphomet. He sheathed Daisy, nocked a bolt in Vlad, and mounted his tactical flashlight to the front. The odor of sulfur wafted out of the entrance like slow death, irritating his nostrils. Cedric walked in and was confronted by a two-headed dog seething molten acid from his mouth.
“Hi big fella’? You want something to chew on?” Cedric asked.
The dog attacked, Cedric squeezed the trigger, the bolt went wide, and in an instant the animal was on top of him. Before the hellhound could drip acid on his face Cedric rolled back into a ball and kicked it off with both feet. When the hound slammed against a rock outcropping, stunning him for a moment, Cedric slid another bolt into Vlad and fired again. This time the shot hit the hound in his shoulder, the dog howled, burst into flames, and blew away on a wind of ashes. Cedric rose to his feet and dashed through a maze of tunnels where sulfur was strongest as demons began to sense his presence and give chase. Just as Cedric was about to turn and fight he stumbled into a large open cavern alight with many torches. Sitting on the far side of this cavern, intent on a crossword puzzle was Lucifer.
“Lucifer! We need to talk, please.” Cedric yelled.
Lucifer looked up, adjusted his reading glasses and looked surprised to see Cedric in his winter retreat.
“Cedric the Demon Slayer! What a surprise. How Can I help you?” Lucifer smiled.
“Call off your dogs, for starters.”
“Boys, leave Cedric alone. If he had wanted to harm you, you all would have been back in Hell by now.” Lucifer said.
Lucifer’s demons faded into darkness as Cedric walked toward the ruler of Hell.
“I’m here on behalf of all mankind, and the demons of Hell to ask you to return to work.”
“Ha ha. You came all the way out here for that? I’m done. Go away. Before you do though, what’s a six letter word for live undead?”
“Zombie. Look, my girlfriend Angeline was setup by Azriel to make her death look like a suicide. He did it to blackmail me into coming here, and he promised to return her alive if I help him get you back. Also, and more important, the Angels have no idea you ditched your post, but when they find out the final battle may begin.” Cedric said.
“Oh, I don’t know.” Lucifer sighed. “We’re full, and I get no help from Him, just more souls to damn. I’m burned out. I either release some souls, which is definitely against the rules, or we create more space, and I have none.” Lucifer said.
“Open a portal to the chaos dimension. Take the worst of the worst, and send them there. There’s no escape from the chaos dimension, and you can empty out half of Hell in the process.” Cedric said.
“Do you know how much paperwork that’s going to be? The bureaucracy in Hell is overwhelming, and ordering the transport of hundreds of billions of souls will take forever,” Lucifer said.
“I can’t believe I’m the only one thinking about this. Burn the records, man. Who is ever going to come looking for those souls? They’ve already been deemed unfit for release, and rejected by Him.”
Lucifer thought about it a minute, and began to laugh heartily as if he understood the punch line to a cosmic joke. A big belly laugh rang through the cavern. Cedric could feel intense warming build around him as Lucifer’s mood improved, and heat waves rose from his body.
“That’s a great idea! Any thoughts on how accomplish this?” Lucifer asked.
“How fond are you of Azriel?” Cedric asked.
“Ugh, that guy. Azriel stresses me out more than any of the other demons. I’d like to send him on a permanent vacation, if you know what I mean. But there’s nothing I can do.”
“What if I could?” Cedric asked.
“You can’t kill him—even with that sword of yours. I’m amazed that you’ve gotten this far without encountering a high level demon that could kill you. Baphomet was a mid-level who had aspirations for greater status.” Lucifer said.
“I need him to roll back time for Angeline, and return her since his influence is the reason she’s dead. But, when he completes the ceremony you strike him down with my sword, and his power vacuum will allow you to concentrate your eternal power. Essentially, when you strike Azriel down just think about the chaos dimension and your intention will open the portal.” Cedric said.
“How do you know all of this?” Lucifer asked.
“I don’t know, I guess like I know we’re standing on the earth. I can’t explain it any better than that.”
“I’ll transport us both to Hell. You ready?” Lucifer asked.
Cedric nodded and a gate adorned with skulls from many varied races of humanoid and beast alike, formed before them in the cavern. Smoke spilled
from between thick, black, iron bars, and Cedric could hear the sounds of Hell’s inhabitants growling, wailing, and crying with such sorrow that the experience gave Cedric pause.
“It ain’t pretty, but it’s home.” Lucifer said.
The gate creaked open and they entered Lucifer’s dominion. Hell’s walls were lined with ancient weapons forged from hellfire, used in battles fought long ago, before the dawn of mankind.
“See that morning star? I used that in the last great battle and slammed Gabriel a pillar of Heaven. You should have heard him cuss! Ha ha!” Lucifer boasted.
They entered Satan’s office where Azriel was watching soap operas and eating a basket of charcoaled human fingers.
“Hey, Lucifer! You’re back! Good job, Cedric.” Azriel said.
Azriel stuffed a few more fingers in his mouth. Cedric shook his head in disgust as Azriel munched and talked.
“Your boss is back, so how about returning Angeline to the living plane? Our deal, remember?” Cedric said.
“Oh sure, one sec.” Azriel replied.
He reached inside his desk, pulled out an antique clock, and wound the hands back to a moment just before Angeline’s gun misfired. On the wall they could see a pool of water appear, and saw Angeline putting the pistol down on her nightstand. Angeline looked around; appearing confused, and then shrugged her shoulders and placed the gun in the nightstand beside her bed.
“She’s reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, cool.” Azriel said.
“Thanks, Azriel.” Cedric said.
While Azriel was transfixed on the Angeline show, Cedric handed his sword to Lucifer. Satan took the demon slayer blade and drove it to the hilt into the top of Azriel’s head. Lucifer picked the squealing demon up and tossed him into the wall of his office. Azriel shattered like glass, leaving a gigantic imprint in the rock that began to crack like an egg shell. Lucifer walked over and with Daisy, he poked through the wall, and dragged Cedric’s blade up and down until there was a gaping black hole. They had done it.
Faces, and partial bodies of humans, ant people, reptilians, and a host of other exotic races floated in and out of view in a sea of darkness.
“It’s like a lava lamp.” Cedric said.
“I’m filling that lava lamp with assholes later on today. Rapists, murderers, and IRS agents.” Lucifer smiled.
“Ha ha, good one. OK, well if you’re good, I’m going to go catch up with Angeline. I’ve been gone too long.” Cedric said.
“You going to return to demon slaying again?” Lucifer asked.
“Someday, yeah. I’ve been doing this job so long I’ve forgotten why I’m alive, and I need to find myself—some meaning for it all.” Cedric replied.
“Now that I can free up some space down here my guards can more closely watch the gates. Maybe that’ll give you more of a break.”
“Until we meet again, Dad.” Cedric said.
Cedric opened his arms and Lucifer embraced him.
“Shhhhh!” Lucifer said.
Cedric winked and vanished from Hell.
traveling salesman
The doorway to Hell may resemble an outstretched hand for help, and perhaps it’s the farmer’s daughter who should worry the traveling salesman.
Tim Tucker drove along Route 49 through Concord, North Carolina. Sweat was running in rivulets down his neck from the incessant southern summer heat and humidity. A thermometer at the last service station he passed had read ninety-nine degrees at two in the afternoon, and the factory air conditioner in his fifty-five Cadillac was on the fritz. Tim checked his watch, which read half past six and he was no cooler, or closer to home. Large patches of sweat spread out from beneath his arms like an advancing army, and he began to think about a nice soft bed, and an air conditioned room. In nineteen fifty-nine, motor lodges were few and far between on the road he traveled, so Tim kept his fingers crossed, hoping for a place to stay the night. He was a soap salesman for Infused Bar Soap in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, a company that blended natural herbs and oils into their soaps. Since there were so few salesmen in the company, his territory was the entire East coast. If you never saw the commercials their jingle was, “Infused Bar Soap, it’s the natural way to get grime away. Use IBS to clean that mess, IBS… IBS… what a mess. IBS iiiiit’s the housewife’s helper!”
Tim spent most of his time on the road, but since he had neither a wife nor kids at home, he preferred it to working in a factory or office. Hours at a factory were long too, but the scenery never changed, and when he had worked those jobs, the effect on his soul caused him to feel like he was watching the minutes of his life tick off one at a time. Typically, this particular route was boring and uneventful, and he travelled it only in the fall when temperatures were not so hot, but Tim had a new account in Florida, and the owners had begged him to go. He regretted his decision on this hot summer night, where no A/C made the drive home to Pennsylvania even duller and exceptionally unbearable. A storm was coming, and as the first drops of rain hit his windshield Tim’s engine began to knock and sputter, causing his speed to decrease. Tim’s foot pushed the pedal to the floor with no effect. His pedal rap, rap, rapped on the floor, but he continued to slow as his heart rate increased.
“No, no, no, no, no! Don’t leave me stuck out here in the sticks!” Out of frustration, Tim slammed his hand on the steering wheel, and pulled over to the side of the road as the engine gave one final clunk.
“It’s never easy.” He mumbled.
Tim put his head on the steering wheel as a bolt of lightning illuminated a dirt road about ten feet in front of his car. Looming in the distance half a mile down the dirt road was a farmhouse with a light on in one of the downstairs windows. Tim was not an engine mechanic, and he didn’t want to spend a hot and stuffy night in his car, so he decided to high tail it to that house before the sky would open up and he resemble a drowned rat.
“You can sit here in the car, or find out if those good folks have a phone. Maybe they know an engine mechanic.”
Thunder rumbled louder now, and came closer, as dime sized drops thumped the roof of his car as if someone were dropping BB’s over it. Tim grabbed his brief case of handmade soaps, got out, and trotted down the dark road as light inside the farmhouse window became brighter.
“If they’ll let you stay, maybe you can make a sale to the little woman of the house.” He chuffed.
Tim could see the silhouette of this two story house clearer as he came closer and it reminded him of every horror story he had read about broken down travelers in the night. When he did close the distance, and the moment his foot touched the front step of the porch, the previously feared torrential downpour ensued.
“My lucky day. That could have been ugly.” Tim said to himself.
He was trying to stay positive, but he was beginning to think the car would have been a more hospitable place to spend his night. The farmhouse, dry as it may have been inside, was in desperate need of major exterior repairs. Floorboards creaked beneath his feet sending a stark chill up Tim’s spine as he surveyed rotted wood siding and chipped white paint. A bead of sweat ran down Tim’s nose as he pushed the doorbell, heard a loud buzz from the other side, and waited patiently for someone to open the door. A curtain moved to the side of one of the windows. Tim caught a flash of a female face as the curtain fell back in place. Then he heard footfalls approaching the door.
“Who is it?” Came the female voice.
“My name’s Tim Tucker and my car broke down up the road. I was hoping I could use your phone to call a mechanic.” Tim yelled.
Uncomfortable silence for a moment, and then the door creaked open. A young girl, probably in her late teens stood in the doorway smiling at him. Her blond locks hung just above a set of pretty blue eyes that would have allowed her to escape a murder conviction. Her perfume had the intoxicating aroma of strawberries in season. The young woman stood smiling as Tim struggled to think of something clever or funny, but he stood gawking in an awkward fashion. The yo
ung woman wore a checkered long sleeve shirt, the sleeves rolled exposing her alabaster skin, and the top three buttons were undone, flaunting a buxom set of breasts. She had tied the bottom up in a halter that gave her the cliché appearance of every farmer’s daughter story he had ever heard. Tim could imagine laying his head on her chest to take a nap, or being involved in more exciting activities if given the opportunity. He looked away from her grin, ashamed.
“You know you shouldn’t be prowling about at night it’s very dangerous in these parts after sun down.” She said.
“Like I said, my car broke down and I saw a light on over here.” Tim said.
“My name’s Elsa. Um… my eyes are up here, sir.” Elsa said.
Tim realized that he had been staring at her chest, and with an uncomfortable chuckle he pulled himself together. Her smile never wavered, and as he shook her outstretched hand he thought he caught a glint of something more than just a friendly southern hello in her eyes. Tim cleared his throat.
“My apologies, it’s been a long day. Do you mind if I use your phone?” Tim asked.
“Sure, but the mechanic’s shop is closed and won’t be open again until tomorrow morning. Want to come in out of the rain?” Elsa asked.
“Thank you that would be great.” Tim said.
The inside of her house had an old musty odor, like sour milk left out too long. However, Tim was glad to be out of the rain, and Elsa was beautiful. He kept his mouth shut and took shallow breaths until he became odor blind. The interior of her house was not much better than outside as he followed her into the living room. Heaped in a corner were old tattered newspapers and a pile of shoes, and dirty dishes littered the coffee table.
“Please excuse the mess, we’re renovating. The former owners were not very tidy.” Elsa said.
“You live here with someone else?” Tim asked. His heart sank with disappointment.
“Oh yes, with my daddy, Dieter. He’s down in the basement working on a project. Don’t worry about him though, he’s friendly and besides, he’ll be hours down there while we get to know each other better.” Elsa said.
