OMG is he hot? What’s his name?
Faith replies almost instantly.
Yes, he is smoking hot! And his name is Bo!
My phone falls through my hands, landing with a thud on the floor. It has to be a coincidence, right? I mean, what are the odds that the Bo I know is in Panama?
Picking my phone up off the floor, I text her back.
Send me a pic
It’s the only way I can find out for sure if it’s him or not.
My knee bounces ninety to nothing as I wait for her to send me a picture of the guy she’s with. Why am I freaking out so much? Bo is single and can hang out with who he wants right?
Because you’re in love with him!
My phone vibrates in my sweaty palms, telling me she has texted me back. Oh god, I think I am going to throw up. Taking a deep breath, I open her text.
It’s him. One look at the photo of them together has my heart sinking in my chest.
What do you think of him?!
What do I say to her? I haven’t mentioned Bo to her but now I wish I had. I can’t tell her that I know him or she will ask me tons of questions and she will tell him and that would be a disaster.
You’re right! He’s good looking!
Seeing his face brings back a lot of old memories. I think of all the times we hung out together and didn’t argue. Bo has a sweet side, although, he doesn’t use it much.
Seeing her with him has me jealous and wondering what would have happened if I had run into him. More than likely it would’ve been awkward seeing as how we haven’t seen each other in a few months.
Should I tell Faith about the history between Bo and me?
If I do, it will ruin her day, but if I don’t, they could sleep together. Ugh! I think the universe hates me.
I need to call Cassie. She’ll know what to do.
Thankfully, Cassie isn’t busy and answers my call. “Cassie!” I whine.
“What’s wrong, Jess?” she asks, concerned.
After Faith and I started becoming friends and hanging out, I mentioned Faith to Cassie during one of our Saturday morning talks. “Faith is in Panama right now and she texted me and said she met a guy. She said he was hot and that his name was Bo!”
Cassie gasps. “Uh oh!”
“Yeah, uh oh! I haven’t told her about Bo and I am not sure if I should. That’s why I am calling you. What do you think? Should I tell her?”
Cassie is silent for a moment. “That’s tough, Jess. Honestly, I think you should. What if they like each other and fall in love?”
Now it’s my turn to gasp. “That’s not helping! Besides, Bo doesn’t do commitment, remember?”
“He doesn’t think he does,” she clarifies.
I leap off the bed and start pacing. “What do you mean? My heart is still in pieces because of his commitment issues!” I throw my free hand in the air in exasperation.
“Jess, I know I’m not making any sense here, but hear me out. Bo is in love with you, he just hasn’t realized it yet. He misses you terribly, trust me. He asks me and J about you all the time. Every Saturday he calls and asks about our talks. If that doesn’t prove to you that he is in love with you then I don’t know what will.”
“Then why is he currently trying to hook up with my friend?!” Huffing, I stomp my foot, unable to stand the fact that my friend and the guy I love are hanging out having a good time, knowing full well where it’s going to lead.
“Did you not hear a word I said? He hasn’t realized his feelings for you, Jess. Give him time.” I can hear Cassie rolling her eyes at me.
“You are no help,” I quip, irritated at her logic. “So, you are saying for me to tell Faith about my history with Bo, right?”
“If I were Faith, I would want you to tell me. That’s how girl code works.”
“Okay, I’m going to call her. Thanks! Bye! Love ya!”
Hitting END on the screen, I scroll through my contacts until I find Faith’s number. My finger hovers over the call button.
I place my other hand on my chest and I can feel my heart beating rapidly.
What if I call and he’s right there and she says my name? What if he wants to talk to me? I don’t know if I can do this!
Pulling myself together, I decide to go for a walk around campus to clear my head. Leaving my phone behind, I grab the key to my dorm and head out into the Florida heat.
It’s late afternoon now and I’m slowly coming down from my freak out. Why does life like to knock me around so much? I need to stop thinking about Faith and Bo together. Cassie was overreacting when she mentioned the “falling in love” scenario. This is Bo we are talking about. He’s always been content with women in general, except me. Bo is so complicated and stubborn. I don’t even think he knows what he wants.
Should I move on and forget about him? I’ve been unsuccessful so far, but with time I think I can remove him from my life and find myself a guy who will appreciate a good woman when he sees her. Is that too much to ask?
The first step of moving on is letting go. Each person has their own way of moving on and I will create mine.
As I walk back to the dorm, I realize how shitty my life is becoming. I’ve been trying to move on, but I’m failing miserably. How do people deal with their grief when it’s consuming them?
I’m pulled from my thoughts when I run into something hard. Jumping back, I mutter an apology. “Sorry,” I murmur to the guy as I glance up to see who I bumped into. He smiles warmly at me, making my insides turn fuzzy. No doubt he is handsome. Jet black hair and honey colored eyes. Tall, average build. He doesn’t look as good as Bo. I mentally curse myself for thinking that.
“No worries. You seemed to be in deep thought,” he says, his hand lightly touching my arm.
“Yeah, it’s been kind of a long day,” I reply, sounding sad.
“Sorry to hear that…” he trails off, wanting my name.
“Jess.”
He grins. “Nice to meet you, Jess. I’m Ryan.”
Managing a smile, I reply, “Nice to meet you as well, Ryan.”
I begin to walk away when his voice stops me. “There’s a party I’m going to tonight. Want to go with me?”
A party? With him? I haven’t been to a party, or anywhere really, in a while. “Sure,” I say hesitantly. Ryan seems like a nice guy but you never know people these days.
“Sweet,” he exclaims, excited. “I’ll pick you up at eight sharp.” Grabbing my hand, he pulls out a pen and writes his number on my palm. “Message me which dorm you’re in.” After a parting smile, he turns and runs in the other direction.
A huge smile spreads across my face and I feel giddy. Ryan is just what I needed to brighten my day. When I reach my dorm, my cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling so long.
Grabbing a piece of paper, I jot down his number before I end up washing it off.
I move to my closet to find the perfect outfit for tonight. I’m not sure what is appropriate to wear. I’m sure a t-shirt and jeans with boots are not what they are looking for, but it’s who I am. Deciding to stick with my style, I head to the bathroom to shower.
I wonder if Ryan will like my outfit? Either way, it doesn’t matter. He should like me for who I am, not for how I dress.
I still have four hours before he’s supposed to come get me, yet the nerves are already setting in. He’s just a guy, I tell myself.
Once I am ready, I pass the time by working on my assignments. Halfway through my homework, I stop to text Ryan.
I manage to complete both math pages, my biology worksheet, and start on my essay for English when there is a knock on the door.
Tonight, I’m determined to have fun, however that may be. I don’t know where we’re headed, but I’m excited to find out.
Opening the door, my heart begins beating faster from seeing him standing in the doorway. “Hi.” I blush when his eyes travel up and down my body.
“You look great, Jess. Really great.” My heart leaps hearin
g those words.
Ryan steps back, holding his arm out for me. Smiling, I place my arm in the curve of his elbow. Closing the door behind me, I let him lead me down the hall.
“So, where is this party at?” I ask, suddenly nervous.
“At the Gamma house. Each one of us gets to bring a date for the night. I’m glad you ran into me or otherwise I would still be searching for a date.”
Please, he probably has a new girl every week.
“Glad I could save the day,” I say, clearly amused.
6
Jess
College parties are the same as any other party in my opinion. I’m trying to enjoy myself, only I don’t know anyone here. Ryan has been by my side the whole time as he talks to his friends, even introducing me to them. Being at this party is reminding me of home in so many ways. So, I keep sipping on my drink, trying to lessen the pain.
After I finish my drink, Ryan takes the cup from my hand, setting it on the counter behind him before he drags me into the crowd of dancers, his hands moving to my hips as we begin moving to the beat. Turning in his arms, I grind against him. My nerves float away the more we dance. I think he and I both know where this night is leading. To my surprise, I’m ready for it.
With his palms on my hips, his fingers dig into my side. I welcome the pinch of pain as it means I’m still alive. Over the last few weeks, I’ve felt as if I am just going through the motions and not living. Tonight, I am living it up.
Slowly turning back around, I throw my arms around his neck, bringing my body closer to his. His lips fuse with mine, tender at first until the kiss becomes more. I push the image of Bo away that tries to ruin me. Bo is the last person I want to think about. His face only fuels my reasoning to feel as he is the other half of my pain.
I’m not even close to being drunk so I can’t say I wasn’t thinking clearly. I know what exactly I am doing with Ryan. I’m letting him take all he wants from me tonight. Maybe he can ease the pain for a while.
His hands inch up under my shirt. “Damn, Jess,” he says, his voice labored. “I knew you were perfect for tonight.”
I know what he means by his statement and yet, it doesn’t faze me as I was thinking the same thing. “Glad we’re on the same page.”
I’ve only slept with one guy in my life. Ryan is about to be number two. Bo could have been number one, but he decided I wasn’t good enough for him. I am acting out of character tonight. This isn’t me, this isn’t who I am, but for one night, I will be someone else.
Ryan takes me by the hand, leading me off the dance floor and upstairs. My pulse races in anticipation as my back hits a wall. With one hand on the wall beside my head and the other hand caressing my left cheek, Ryan claims my mouth eagerly. The pain is lessening the more I give myself to him as I don’t think about reality. Stepping forward, his body brushes up against mine. His hands move to the back of my thighs, lifting me easily. Locking my legs around him, he carries me into the nearest empty bedroom with my lips peppering kisses along his neck.
Placing me on the edge of the bed, he begins to remove my shoes. “I can’t wait to see what’s under these clothes.”
“Hurry up and find out,” I reply with a wink. Piece by piece, fabric falls to the floor until both of us are bare in front of each other. His greedy eyes drink me in, telling me he likes what he sees.
Ryan doesn’t waste any more time. Picking me up, he moves me further up the bed, his eyes locked with mine the whole time.
Don’t do this! A voice in the back of my mind screams. Shoving the thought away, I grab his face, bringing his mouth to mine before I have too much time to think about the repercussions. I’m thinking too much about this. Don’t think about tomorrow, I tell myself.
The more Ryan’s hands touch my skin, the less I think. The more he kisses me, the more he drowns out the pain.
This is exactly what I was hoping for. Exactly what I needed.
Maybe college won’t be so bad after all.
My eyes open to darkness sometime later. Ryan is snoring softly behind me as I quietly move out of his hold. Finding my clothes in the dark is a hard task, though I managed to find them all. Once I am dressed, I tip-toe out of the room, ready for my own bed.
I don’t allow inner thoughts to scold me on why I shouldn’t have slept with Ryan. I’m single and heartbroken. Those two emotions fuel bad decisions. Keeping my head held high as I do the walk of shame out of the house, I step out into the stifling night air and take a deep breath.
The walk is lonely yet I welcome the silence.
Back in my dorm, I strip my clothes for a shower. The water feels heavenly against my skin. Ryan’s scent lingers on me, but in a few moments, it will be gone. The memories will remain as evidence.
Snuggling under the covers, I rest my head on my arm as I glance out the window, staring at the moon. It reminds me of home which makes my heart hurt even worse.
Closing my eyes, I attempt to sleep. Only, I dream of the guy who shattered my heart and stomped on the broken pieces. Too bad Ryan isn’t here to make me forget for a while again.
Faith is supposed to return today and I am not ready to hear all about her time with the guy I, at one time, saw a future with. Clearly, I was stupid to think that would ever happen.
How am I going to avoid listening to her talk about him? I don’t want to come off as the rude best friend who doesn’t seem to care. The issue is I do care, too much. I know if I tell her, she won’t bring him up around me, because, you know, that’s what a best friend does.
The more I mull over it, the more nauseous it makes me. I’m worrying so much I’m making myself sick over it.
The door swings open and Faith bursts in with a wide smile on her face. She drops her bags on her bed and immediately turns to hug me. “I missed you, Jess! You should have come with! Panama was so much fun! Oh, and that guy I told you about? We swapped numbers so we can keep in touch!”
I think I’m going to puke. “That’s great,” I say, giving her a small smile.
Faith eyes me curiously. “Are you okay?”
I wave her off like I’m okay. “I’m fine, I just don’t feel the best. I think I’m going to lay down for a while.” It’s not a total lie. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about the two of them together. There are questions I want to ask her, yet I know if I did, I wouldn’t like her answer.
She smiles warmly. “Go take a nap. I’ll tell you all about him when you’re feeling better.”
Oh joy.
The next morning, I am up ready for class despite how tired I am. I managed to avoid listening to her talk about Bo last night, but I doubt I will get out of it this morning.
“Bo is so sweet. He texted me to wish me good morning and he called me beautiful.”
My stomach churns listening to her go on and on about him. She talks about how good he looks sweaty. Knew that. She mentions how he is such a gentleman. I also know that, but I didn’t get to see that side of him often.
And here is the big one. Faith gushes about how amazing he is in bed. It’s amazing I didn’t burst into tears or throw up in front of her. I don’t know that because he didn’t give me a chance. He pushed me away like I disgusted him.
By the time we go our separate ways to class, she has already told me about their whole weekend together.
Ugh! So much for avoiding that topic.
The next several weeks bring the same routine: class, study, and sleep.
That is what my life consists of. Cassie and I still talk weekly, catching up on each other’s lives. Even though mine is less than stellar. I’m trying to get a grip and not feel sad, but then something happens that reminds me of my parents, bringing me right back to square one. I can’t seem to be happy anymore. I’m constantly thinking of them, wondering if they would be proud of me. I fake how happy I am to my best friend so she won’t worry about me. She has enough to deal with. After finding out she was abducted at a young age, Cassie has been getting to know her real parents. I d
on’t see how she is handling it all like she is, especially with being a new mom.
Speaking of my best friend, I need to call her.
7
Bo
Damn, Faith is a firecracker and I’ve loved every moment of our time together. The whole weekend I did nothing but spend it with her. My chest is actually aching knowing I’m fixing to have to leave her. During the day, we’d go to the beach, sightsee, have a nice dinner. At night, she’d be beneath me for hours. Faith was a wonderful distraction for a couple of nights. Although I doubt we will be seeing each other again, I got her number in case I was ever down that way.
Bypassing my house, I drive to J and Cassie’s to visit with my niece. I don’t bother knocking, as they know I’m coming, so I walk in and I am instantly greeted by J.
“Hey, bro. Did you have fun this weekend?” J asks, intrigued.
“Panama was amazing and the girl I met was even more amazing,” I answer with a wink so he catches on to the underlying meaning.
J shakes his head, smiling. “One day, Bo, you are going to get knocked flat on your ass by a girl and I hope I am around to see you realize you’re in love.”
I wish everyone would stop saying shit like that. Can a guy not be happy alone?
Cassie appears with Ella on her hip. “There she is.” Ella wastes no time holding her arms out for me. “How’s my beautiful niece doing today, huh?” I coo at Ella.
Out of the corner of my eye, Cassie is standing with her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed at me “What?” I ask, turning my head to look at her.
“Nothing,” she says coolly, but I know different.
“Okay, what did I do this time?” I can tell Cassie wants to scold me for something. The question is, what did I do?
Her phone rings from her pocket, halting her from replying. Cassie cuts her eyes to J. “It’s Jess. I’ll be right back.” Cassie walks out of the room as she answers the call.
Holding on for you (Saved #2) Page 3
