by Deanna Chase
“Thank you.” I hand him the keys and, with more than a little trepidation, head into the hotel. The bar is just off the lobby, and I spot them right away. Cadan and the band are lounging around a table drinking beer and watching a snowboarding competition on ESPN. It’s different than what I’m used to. Usually they’re all still passed out with half a dozen girls hanging around their rooms.
“Lucy!” Jessie, our drummer, calls and jumps up from his chair. In five long strides, he’s by my side, wrapping me in a bear hug. “Thank God you’re back. I need someone other than these ugly a-holes to look at.” He lifts me up until my feet are dangling off the ground.
Laughing, I hit his arm. “Put me down so I can get a good look at you.”
He does as he’s told and steps back, holding his arms out. Then he does a slow three-sixty, showing off his lean runner’s physique. “See anything you like?”
“Hey, now,” Cadan says, coming to a stop at his side. “Stop hitting on my girl.”
I ignore Cadan’s possessive demand and raise an eyebrow at Jessie. “You look… normal.”
He chuckles. “As opposed to?”
I grin. “Wrung out and hungover.”
“Oh that.” He gives Cadan a stern look. “This bozo said we were partying too hard and put the kibosh on the after-show invites. It’s no fun to sit around drinking without the ladies. So our social lives have taken a little bit of a hit.”
“Really?” I turn to Cadan. “You banned visitors?”
“No.” He puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me in. “Just random groupies. Friends are welcome. But it was getting out of hand and… the music was suffering.”
Jessie scoffs. “Not nearly as much as this guy.” He punches Cadan in the arm. “We thought we were going to have to get a bulk supply of Prozac there for a while. Talk about a downer. One minute he’s working on a new song and the next he’s—”
“Shut up, you fucker,” Cadan says as he pushes Jessie back. “Lucy doesn’t need to hear all this right now.” He grabs my hand and tugs me out of the bar.
“Hey,” I say. “I didn’t get to say hi to the rest of the guys.”
“You’ll see them tonight. First we have a meeting with Cassie.”
I stop and face him. “Already?”
“Yeah. She was in town meeting with another band, and when I told her you’d called she cleared her afternoon in order to welcome you back.”
“Oh.” I straighten my shirt and run a nervous hand over my hair. I’m not exactly prepared for a business meeting.
“Relax. She just wants to hammer out the schedule so we’re all on the same page.” He guides me to the elevator, and we ride to the thirty-ninth floor. It’s the highest before the penthouse suite.
The plush carpet is glorious under our feet as we make our way to the end of the hallway. “Pretty nice place,” I say.
Cadan nods and raps once on the door.
The door swings open, and Cassie’s smile turns to a huge grin when she focuses on me. Her onyx eyes sparkle with true pleasure. “Lucy! Dang, is it good to see you.” She pulls me into the room and then gives me a tight hug, wrinkling her silk pantsuit. “I hope your break was restful.”
I glance at Cadan over her shoulder. Break? I’d quit.
He holds his hands up as if to say he doesn’t have a clue what she’s talking about.
“I know your dad’s passing was really tough for you. It’s no wonder you needed some time.” Cassie pulls back and stares me in the eye. “You let me know if you need anything, okay? A day off to be normal for a while. Someone to cook for you. A personal shopper if you don’t want to go out. Whatever you need. We’ve got you covered.”
“Uh…”
“Just don’t worry about a thing. We’re here to make life as easy as possible. The top priority is the new album. Whatever it takes to make it happen, that’s what we’ll do.”
“Okay,” I say, more confused than ever. I’d never gotten this treatment before.
“Everyone’s real excited about the new album, Luce,” Cadan says by way of explanation.
“Yes, we are!” Cassie waves a hand around the room. “Have a seat. I’ll be right back.” She disappears into the adjoining bedroom while we settle into chairs at a table near the window. There’s a view of the Sacramento River. It’s better than a parking lot, but still not very scenic.
Cadan reaches out and wraps his hand around mine, giving it a squeeze, and leans in. “I’m really happy you decided to give us another try.”
My insides tingle with nervousness. And not the good kind. I hadn’t said I wanted to get back together with him. I pull my hand from his. “Let’s just take this one day at a time, all right?”
“Sure,” he says and leans back. “A lot has happened.”
“For both of us,” I say almost under my breath. I’m trying hard not to still be upset about his cheating, but being back here in a hotel room, it’s all surfacing again. The image of Seth relaxing on my couch, laughing at something I’d said, flashes through my mind and that sense of loss deepens. Had I ever been that content around Cadan?
I search his tight expression. No. Not ever. What we have is fraught with tension. It can be exciting, but more often than not, it’s exhausting. Pulling out my phone, I hover over the twenty unopened texts. I’m certain some of them are from Seth. But I can’t read them now. Not here in Cassie’s hotel room. Maybe I can’t read them ever. I made the decision to come back here. I should delete them and let everything about Seth go. I don’t, though. Instead, I slip the phone back into my purse as Cassie breezes back into the room, her sleek black hair flying behind her.
“So exciting,” she says with a huge smile. “Want something to drink? Water? Coffee? Soft drink?”
“Coffee,” I say, just so I can have something else to focus on during this conversation.
“I’ll get it.” Cadan jumps up and pours coffee from a silver carafe already on the table. Cassie is prepared as always. He adds plenty of cream and one spoonful of sugar, just the way I like it. “Here you go.”
I wrap both hands around the mug. “Thanks.”
“Okay then.” Cassie hands us both a packet of papers. “I’ve worked out a schedule I want to go over so we can get everything rolling as soon as possible.”
I scan the sheet and my mouth drops open. “You want us to perform tomorrow night in San Francisco?”
She frowns. “Is that a problem?”
“Not at all,” Cadan says.
I scowl at him. “I thought you were done making my decisions for me?”
He jerks as if I’ve slapped him. Then he leans back in his chair. “Sorry, Luce. I didn’t mean to answer for you.” Then he turns to Cassie. “It’s not a problem for me if it’s not a problem for Lucy.”
His condescension irritates the crap out of me, but I put it on the back burner and focus.
“Is it okay, Lucy? Or do you have a prior commitment? I was under the impression you were back and available, but if not, I’ll need to redo some things here.” She twists her pen and starts scribbling on her copy of the schedule.
“No. I’m back and my schedule is clear. It’s only that I haven’t practiced with the band in almost four months. The new songs… they’re rusty. We can’t perform them.”
“Don’t worry about that. You can sing songs off the last album, and if you feel up to it, maybe one of the new songs.”
I open my mouth to protest, but she continues, “Really. Only if you want to. No pressure.”
“We can practice this afternoon and tomorrow before the show.” Cadan studies me with guarded eyes. “Then only if you feel up to it. We’ll leave the decision in your hands.”
His statement floors me. Cadan has always been the one to jump in and take charge, making the decisions for both of us before I even have a chance to process what’s happening. This is a new Cadan. A welcome, better version. Maybe there’s hope for him yet. “Okay. We’ll leave it open.”
“Ex
cellent.” Cassie spends the next twenty minutes going over travel schedules, bookings, recording-session dates, and media events. My eyes are glazing over by the time she gets to the end of her list. “Any questions?”
“Yeah.” I close the folder, knowing our manager will keep us informed of daily events. “Just one. I drove my car here. What will happen to it if we leave in the morning?”
“I’ll have it delivered to your house. Not to worry about a thing.” She makes a note in her book. “Excellent. Then that’s it. The new contracts are being drawn up now. You’ll have them by tomorrow.”
“New contracts?” I ask.
“It’s all the standard legal stuff. Your agent has been negotiating fiercely.” Her phone rings and she holds her hand up. “Gotta take this.” She crosses the room, leaving us to ourselves.
“New contracts?” I ask Cadan. “I thought we were already locked in?”
He smiles. “We are. But these are renegotiated to be more flexible and with more money. They were so desperate to have you back they’ve been working to sweeten the deal. Don’t worry, Lucy. This is a good thing.”
I frown in Cassie’s direction. “That doesn’t sound like something the label would do.”
He shrugs. “Jeff’s been earning his money, I guess.”
“I guess so.”
Chapter 31
Lucy
The afternoon practice session falls into an easy rhythm that’s so familiar it seems as if no time has passed at all. Cassie’s right. We can do one of the new songs. I’m not sure what’s changed, but when the band strikes up the slow and haunting music, I throw my emotions into the song, really giving it everything I have. It’s raw and more than a little gut-wrenching, but by the time the last notes fade away, I feel purged of something. Maybe a small bit of grief. Or maybe some of my recent pain.
Either way, by the time we get back to the hotel, my nerves have settled and I’m actually looking forward to the performance the next night.
“Are you up for a late dinner?” Cadan asks as we walk into the lobby.
“Sure. Just let me wash up. Where should I meet you?”
“I’ll come by your room in about a half hour.”
I nod and take off, leaving him in the bar with the rest of the band.
Once in my room, I take my time washing my face and redoing my makeup. Performing is hard, sweat-inducing work. I’ve just finished painting my lips with a new lipstick when the hotel phone rings. I frown, wondering why anyone wouldn’t just call my cell.
“Hello?”
“Jesus fucking Christ!” Jax yells. “I can’t believe you took off without even telling me. Or Seth. Do you have any idea what you did to him?”
Righteous outrage has me seeing red. She should understand how hurtful it was finding them together like that. “Are you kidding? This is what I get after you spent the night with him? God, Jax. You knew I was falling for him.”
She scoffs. “We didn’t do anything. And if you’d taken one of our phone calls, you’d know that.”
I haven’t had the courage to listen to my messages yet. But I had read the text messages. Most of them were pleas to call one of them. Or to ask where I was. I should have called Jax to let her know. No matter what they’d done or hadn’t done, it wasn’t fair to just leave town and let her worry. “Nothing happened? But I saw you two sleeping together on the couch, and Seth was naked. How is that nothing?”
“Lucy,” she says with a long sigh. “He came over after seeing you, and his clothes were drenched. I don’t have anything that fits him, so he wrapped up in a towel and a blanket. We spent the night talking on the couch and we fell asleep. That’s it. He was talking about you all night long. If you’d answered your damn phone or come to the door when we came over, you’d have known this. And maybe you wouldn’t have run off to Destructionville.”
“Well, what was I supposed to think?” I demand, but the bottom falls out of my stomach. What she said sounded so much more plausible than the two of them sleeping together. “Shit,” I say under my breath.
“Yeah,” she agrees and then lowers her voice. “I’m sorry, Luce. I know how it looked. I can only imagine what went through your mind. But you can’t just run away.”
“I didn’t,” I insist.
“Yes, you did. You’re back with Cadan already. After what he did to you? Have you lost your mind?”
“No… Yes.” I press two fingers to my temple and sink onto the bed. “Jax?”
“What?” She’s still angry, and I can hardly blame her. I’d shut her out and made a huge snap judgment after leaning on her for three months.
“I don’t think I came back because of what I saw yesterday morning.”
There’s a pause on her end, then she clears her throat. “You mean you went back for Cadan?”
“Yes and no. Let me try to explain this.”
“I’m all ears.”
“Okay, here goes.” I lean back against the pillows and take a deep breath. “When I saw you and Seth… Well, I sort of snapped. I mean everyone I ever loved has let me down. My mom, Cadan, even my dad when he shipped me off to my mom’s. You’re the only one who has always been there for me. And then Seth.”
“We’re still here, Luce. We can’t force you to trust us, though.”
“I know. I really do. And this isn’t about that. The thing is, I have no hold over Seth. We spent a week together. It’s not like we had a commitment or anything. But the pain I felt just then, it was more than I could bear. I had to do something. Go somewhere. Do something with my life besides hide out in Mendocino, waiting for something that isn’t coming.”
I take a moment to gather myself, then continue. “Cadan and I are soul mates. That means something. But again, that’s not why I came back. I’m not here to start back up with him. I’m here to sing. I know what he is and what he isn’t. And the man he is today isn’t one I can be with romantically. Not with the way he trampled my heart.”
“Then why—”
Clearing my throat, I cut her off. “The one thing I can’t deny is that singing with him fills my soul and makes me feel like I’m doing something important. That’s why I came back. For me. To finish out my contract and to give myself something I want. Not because I’m hurt, but because I need to move forward and stop standing still. Being with Seth helped awaken that part of me that died three months ago. The part of me that is strong, that makes me my own person.”
“Wow,” Jax says. “And you think you can be your own person with Cadan there?”
“I’m damn sure going to try. I can’t make my own album until I fulfill my contract. That’s ultimately what I want to do. So I’m here to do what I have to. Whatever happens, happens. I just have to do this.”
“I see. Can’t say I think it’s a good idea.”
I laugh. She’s probably right. “I’d say the same thing if the situation were reversed.”
“Humph.”
“Jax?”
“Yeah?”
“We have a show tomorrow night in San Francisco. I’d love it if you could come. I really want to see you before I leave for SoCal.”
“By myself? I’d love to, but damn, it’s a long drive.”
I hesitate, then force the words out. “You could bring Seth.” My tone is strained and anxious.
“Seriously? You think that’s a good idea, having Seth and Cadan within miles of each other?”
I sigh. “Not especially, but I really want to apologize in person.” And see him one last time before I move on. Seth has given me something no one else could. I want to tell him about it. “Cadan will either be onstage or backstage. I could meet you and Seth after. Without him.”
“Oh.”
I pluck at the blanket on the bed, waiting for her to say something. Anything.
“You should call him.”
My heart rate picks up speed. Crap. “I was hoping to speak to him in person.”
“He won’t come unless you ask him to. He’s not into c
hasing anyone. And he already feels stalkerish for following you home yesterday. Just call him. If he says yes, we’ll be there.”
My stomach flips over at the thought. I’m terrified of what he’ll say, but I have to try. “Okay. I will.”
“Good. And remember to apologize.” Her tone suggests she’s teasing, but I know for certain she’s dead serious. I’d hurt them both by shutting them out. That hadn’t been my intention. I’d just been in a bad place.
“I will. And, Jax?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry. I love you.”
“You’re forgiven. And I love you too. Do your best to be sure I have a ride to see you tomorrow night.”
“I will.” I set the receiver on the base of the phone and stare into space for a moment. I contemplate breaking out one of the vodka bottles from the minibar, but then decide against it. Instead, I crack open a Diet Coke and fish my cell phone out of my purse.
“Time to listen to these messages.” Of the sixteen messages on my phone, two are from Seth. Four from Jax. They both denied anything happened and asked me to call them. And the rest are from my mother. Half are berating me for running out on Christmas. The other half are to tell me how glad she is I came to my senses and am back with Cadan. At least two explain to me in great detail how not to mess it up again. By the time I delete them all, I’m hot with silent rage. How dare she?
I have no doubt she’s been calling Cadan just as much. He probably told her I’d come back in an effort to get rid of her. Why she can’t just focus on her own life and leave mine alone, I can’t understand.
“Let it go,” I say to myself as I change into fresh clothes. “Time to woman up.”
Sitting back on the bed, I call. It immediately goes to voice mail. I clear my throat. “Seth. Hi… It’s Lucy. I was hoping to catch you, but maybe you’re working. Umm… I called to apologize for leaving without saying anything and for, uh, not calling you back. Yesterday was a tough day.” I clear my throat again. “I’m singing tomorrow night in San Francisco. If you’re not busy, maybe you and Jax can come. Eight at Blue Jays. I know it’s a long drive, but please consider it. I really want to see you… to talk to you in person. Okay, then. Hope to see you.”
