“I’ll stay. Get some sleep.”
And then he kissed the tip of my nose, and I fell in love with him all over again.
“Josh,” I said, knowing I was about to give in to him completely.
“Hmmm?”
His eyes were closed, and his breathing was steady.
“I love you. I never stopped loving you.”
His eyes opened, and he looked down at me. And at that moment, I knew things would be okay. I was going to tell him the truth, and we were going to be a family the way I had always hoped we would be.
36
Josh
Jenny told me she loved me, but while I loved hearing her say the words, I had known all along how she felt. It was in her eyes when she looked at me—in the way she trusted me with her beautiful son—the way she welcomed me into their little family with open arms.
I had fallen head over heels in love with Caleb, and spending time with them had become my new favorite thing in the entire world. He was such a smart kid and fun to be around. And sometimes, when he climbed into my lap and wrapped his little arms around my neck, I could almost forget the heartache of never having children of my own. He was enough for me even though it wasn’t my blood running through his veins.
Knowing what I knew now, Jenny hadn’t run to Texas and slept around.
No.
Jenny had run to Texas with a broken heart, courtesy of me, and she wasn’t about to let me break it again. I understood that. Respected that. And it only made me love her more that she would do all she could to protect not only herself from heartache, but her son, as well.
“I love you, too,” I said, kissing her forehead and pulling her closer.
The past was in the past, and somehow even with every obstacle we had faced, she was still able to make me the happiest man in the world.
I watched her fall asleep in my arms. Her eyes grew heavy before they closed, and her breathing grew softer. I couldn’t stay the night. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving my mom alone for too long, and even though I hadn’t had a nightmare in a long while, I still worried I might.
But I was warm with Jenny, and her soothing breathing relaxed me. I figured another hour with her in my arms would be fine. That I could last that long before getting up, getting dressed, and heading home, but as I listened to the rhythm of her breathing and felt the steady tap of her heartbeat against my arm, I felt myself begin to drift away as well.
An explosion sounded, and screams ripped through the night, sending my body into a cold shock. The sound of rapid gunfire followed, making me drop to the ground only to realize I was lying on top of a dead man. His empty eyes stared back at me, and the longer I looked at him, the more he started to look like me.
It was me.
I was dead.
Shattered and broken limbs surrounded me, and I moved away, crawling across the bloody sand until I reached nothing but darkness. The sounds of a child crying pulled me from my death, and I jerked awake, reaching for a weapon that wasn’t there.
I wasn’t in a bed. Instead, I was standing in the corner of an unfamiliar dark space. I was shaking, my body covered in chills and cold sweat dripping from my flesh. My heart drilled behind my ribs, and I hyperventilated, drawing as much oxygen as I could into my starving lungs only to feel as though it wasn’t enough.
I was suffocating.
I slowly came back to myself, the nightmare pushing to the back of my conscious and the room around me coming into focus. I was in Jenny’s room. My eyes moved over her empty bed, her sheets tossed around and her mattress shifted as if it were about to fall to the floor. Her dresser was pushed over in front of me, the drawers falling open with clothes spilling out and the items that had been on top littered all around.
The lamp was knocked from the nightstand, and on the corner, there was a spot of blood that sent a spiral of dread through me. I looked down at my hands, seeing them covered in blood for a few brief seconds before reality slipped over me and it disappeared.
I was losing my mind.
Panic and anxiety crippled me, and I pushed myself farther into the corner to get away from the scene in front of me. That was when I saw them in the corner of the room across from me. Jenny was standing, holding Caleb close to her chest. Blood ran down the side of her face as she stared back at me with wide eyes.
Caleb clung to her, his arms and legs wrapped around her, and his face buried in her neck.
“Make him stop, Mommy,” he cried. “He’s scaring me.”
She rubbed at his back, trying to soothe him. “It’s okay, baby. Everything’s going to be okay.”
What had I done?
My eyes moved over her face, taking in the blood, and my knees went weak beneath me. I dropped, my palms going to the floor in front of me as I tried again to breathe.
“Jenny,” I whispered her name. “What have I done?”
She moved toward me, reaching out with her free hand, but I jerked away from her. I was dangerous. I had hurt her and made Caleb cry. He was afraid of me. What had I done to scare him so badly?
I was wrong.
So fucking wrong.
I could never have a normal life with Jenny. I would never be happy because I was always going to be haunted by my injury. The sickness of war had destroyed all hopes I had of being a family man—having kids—having a life with Jenny. She deserved better, and Caleb deserved more than a crazed lunatic who could never give him a brother or sister. A man who freaked out in the middle of the night and harmed his mother and could have harmed him.
No.
Never again.
I stood, grabbing for my shirt, and pulled it over my head.
“Josh?” Jenny’s soft voice moved over me, instilling certainty in my actions and thoughts.
“This is over,” I said, dead set on walking away from her and Caleb and never looking back. “We can’t see each other anymore.”
“What? Wait. Let’s talk about this,” she said, moving toward me once again.
I held my hand out and shook my head. “No. This is done. No more.”
I was no good for them. I was dangerous, and I loved them too much to ever put them at risk.
Caleb turned toward me, his wide dark eyes moving over my face and his expression one full of fear.
“I’m so sorry, little man,” I whispered.
And then I fled, leaving Jenny calling out my name along with the sounds of Caleb crying behind me.
I loved them enough to leave.
No matter how badly my heart broke and bled. No matter if I knew I would never be happy again. They were all that mattered. The woman I loved and the son I would always want but could never have.
37
Jenny
I wasn’t sure what happened. One minute, I was warm in Josh’s arms, and the next, he was thrashing around the bed. I rolled away from him and leaped from the bed, only to hit my head against the nightstand. Pain flashed through my brain, and I reached up and touched the tender spot. When I pulled my hand away, there was blood on my fingers.
I couldn’t worry about that, though, because Josh was tearing my room apart. I screamed for him to stop, but when he looked at me, he looked through me. His eyes were blank as if he weren’t even there, and that scared me. I had never in all our years together seen him act this way.
Caleb came crashing through the door at the sounds of my room being torn apart, and I pulled him into my arms and moved as far into the corner and away from Josh as I could.
I had never been afraid of Josh, but this wasn’t Josh. This was someone else entirely, and I had to protect my son first and foremost.
Caleb cried, and I pulled his face to my neck to shield him from seeing Josh and what he was doing. And just as quickly as it started, it stopped. Josh’s eyes cleared and realization set in. One minute, he was crouched in the corner of my room like a wounded animal lashing out, and the next, his eyes were full of unshed tears, and he was fleeing from my house.
I wanted t
o run after him, but with Caleb in my arms, I knew that was a bad idea. The thought crossed my mind to call Mrs. Black, but I didn’t want to worry her since she was having heart issues. So instead, I searched my room for my cell, and I called Genie.
It was early, the light of the awakening sun was slowly coming in through my windows, so when she answered on the third ring, I was shocked.
“Hello?” Her voice cracked with sleep.
“Genie, it’s Jenny. I’m so sorry to call you this early in the morning, but something happened with Josh.”
The sounds of her moving from her bed came through the line, and when she spoke again, her voice was much clearer. “What happened? Is he okay?”
“I’m not sure. He spent the night last night and woke up freaking out.”
I explained everything, from the moment I fell asleep to the moment Josh fled my house. She remained calm the entire time, and when I finished my story, she simply said, “Okay. Everything’s going to be okay. I’ll go find him.”
She was casual about it.
That didn’t make any sense to me.
“Why aren’t you freaking out, Genie? This is serious.”
She went quiet on the other end of the line, and then I heard her breathe. “Shit. He didn’t tell you, did he?”
I felt like reaching through the phone and choking her. She wasn’t making any sense.
“Tell me what? What’s going on, Genie?”
“Josh has post-traumatic stress disorder. Physically, he fared well when the IED blew up his convoy, but mentally … not so much. He was a mess when he came home. He went to Texas for rehab, and he’s doing much better, but he still has panic attacks. Most times, nightmares trigger it. That’s probably what happened.”
I sat on the couch, and my eyes went to Caleb who had all but forgotten about the morning’s drama and was playing with his toys on the floor.
“Is he dangerous?” I asked, tears breaking in my voice.
“He thinks he is. It’s why he didn’t want to see you after his injury.”
My mind flashed back to the past, thinking of the desperation on Josh’s face when he was screaming at me to leave. Pieces started to move together; misunderstandings began to make sense. And everything in our past that pulled us apart was suddenly so clear.
I gasped, feeling nauseous with the realization.
Josh was struggling, and he needed me.
I gripped the phone and closed my eyes. The memories of our past few weeks flashed through my mind until one conversation stuck to my brain. Josh’s words played on repeat, reminding me of the promises we had made to each other.
Never leave me again. No matter how hard I push you away.
I told him I wouldn’t let him push me away again. I had promised, and I wasn’t about to break that promise.
I spent the rest of the morning putting my bedroom back in order and spending time with Caleb to make sure he was okay. Once Dad got home, I filled him in on everything that was going on, and he kept Caleb for me so I could go and check on Josh.
His truck was parked out front when I pulled up at his house. I cut the engine on my car and went up the front steps to the porch to find Mrs. Black sitting there drinking a glass of sweet tea.
“Is Josh here?” I asked.
“He’s around here somewhere. I think he’s back at the stable. Is everything okay?”
I felt the tears coming, but I kept them at bay. “He trashed my room this morning.”
She gasped and set her glass down on the table beside her rocking chair.
“What happened?”
I shrugged, sitting in the chair beside her. “He woke up freaking out. I didn’t know he was struggling. He never told me. If I had known …”
She reached out and lay her delicate hand on my arm. “You didn’t know because he didn’t tell you. Josh never wants to seem weak, and he’s not. He’s the strongest man I know, but he does struggle. It’s only natural, considering what he went through. Just be there for him, Jenny. I couldn’t take it if he ran off to Texas again. I just lost my husband. I don’t want to lose my son, too.”
I nodded, swiping at an escaped tear as it rushed down my cheek.
“He’s not going anywhere. I’m here for him. I’ll take care of him.”
I left Mrs. Black on the front porch with a promise I wasn’t sure I could keep, but I knew I would sure try.
I found Josh where Mrs. Black said he would be. He was brushing a mare with long strokes and speaking in soothed hushed tones. I stood to the side and watched, enjoying the view of him in such a calm state, considering how panicked he had been that morning.
Once he was done, he turned to set the brush down, and his eyes connected with mine.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he said, his words clipped and angry.
We weren’t going to do this again. I wasn’t going to let him push me away with his angry words. I understood now. He was wounded and lashing out, and I was going to be the one who took care of him.
“We need to talk,” I said, moving closer to him.
His shoulders and lips grew tense as I approached him.
“There’s nothing to talk about. You stay away from me, and I’ll stay away from you.”
I snorted, knowing there was no way I was going to allow that.
“That’s not going to happen.”
He paused with his hand on his hip and swiped at his sweaty forehead.
“Why are you doing this?” he asked. “Just let it go. It’s not going to work. I don’t want it to work.”
“You’re lying,” I said, moving even closer. “And I’m doing this because I love you, Josh. You are all I’ve ever wanted and needed, and now that we are at this place in our lives, I refuse to let you go again.”
He stepped away and shook his head.
“You made me promise that I wouldn’t let you push me away again. This is me keeping that promise.”
I reached out and let my fingers brush his arm. Even after the morning we had, I felt confident that Josh would never hurt me.
“Don’t you understand?” His voice broke with desperation. “I can’t give you the kind of life you deserve. I can’t be a man worthy of you, Jenny. I’m fucked up, and no matter how hard I try to get better, I can’t. I want to be perfect for you and Caleb.”
I moved into him, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my head in his chest. He smelled like fresh hay and sunshine.
“But you are perfect for us. You love me exactly how I want to be loved and seeing you with Caleb. You’re an amazing Dad to him, Josh.”
He pushed me away, his elbows locking into place to keep me at a distance.
“That’s the thing. I can never be a dad. Not really.”
Confusion moved over me.
What the hell did that mean?
“I don’t understand. What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I can never give you a baby, Jenny. I can never really be a father.”
“Of course, you can, but we can talk about that later, Josh. If you want to have kids, we can try. I want to spend my life with you. Have a family with you and …”
“Didn’t you just hear me!” he yelled, shocking me into silence. “I can’t have kids.” He pounded at his chest. “I’m so fucking broken, Jenny. Not just mentally, but physically too. That fucking explosion took more than my good sense … I’m infertile. Being with me means no family, and I assure you, I’m not worth that.”
His shoulders dropped, and I was shocked when he reached up and swiped at a tear that ran down his cheek in slow motion. My heart drilled behind my ribs painfully, and the oxygen around me went thin.
Josh was standing before me upset because he would never have a child, and I had held the secret of him being Caleb’s father in for three fucking years.
I knew before I opened my mouth that I was about to lose him forever, but I could no longer keep it my secret. It meant too much to him. I had known Josh long enough to know that he wanted
kids. He wanted a large family. And that had been taken away from him, but he had Caleb, and it was time he knew the truth.
“Caleb’s yours,” I blurted, the words echoing throughout the stable and making the horses at our side snicker.
His eyes moved over my face, and his expression dropped.
“Jenny, it would be an honor to have Caleb as my son. I would love him as my own always, but I can’t. I can’t be good of him or you.”
I clenched my eyes tightly to rid the black orbs that were beginning to float in my vision and then I tried again to make him understand what I was saying.
“No, you don’t understand what I’m saying. Caleb is yours. He’s your blood. You’re his father.”
His brows pulled low in confusion before realization set in and his skin paled.
“What?”
The word came out whispered and broken.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I tried in the beginning, Josh. I came to you when I found out, and I fought to tell you, but you had me tossed out, and I …”
I didn’t get to finish my sentence. Josh pulled me into his arms and buried his head in my neck. His body shook, wracked with sobs. I had never seen Josh this way, but I held him close, glad he hadn’t raged against me. I didn’t like his tears, but at least he was holding me instead of pushing me away.
He slid down my body and fell to his knees, pressing his face against my stomach.
“You’re sure?” he sniffled, looking up at me with brown eyes full of every emotion possible.
I nodded, grasping his face in my hands. “You’re the only person I’ve ever been with. I told you, you’re it for me. That wasn’t a lie.”
He kissed my stomach and closed his eyes as if he was finding peace for the first time in a long while. Then he looked up at me again and smiled through his tears.
I stared down at him, feeling relief that it was out there, and happy that things were going to be okay, but suddenly the stables started to feel as if they were tipping over. I blinked away the sensation and dug my fingers into Josh’s shoulders to keep myself standing. His expression went from happiness to worry, and he stood in front of me, grabbing my waist and holding me up.
Thick & Thin (Chubby Girl Chronicles Book 3) Page 24
