by Ann, Jewel
I have—well, had—a client who teaches motivational classes for women. She’s a bit unconventional or so I’ve heard. One of her classes is called Give No Fucks, Take No Shit. She offered me a free class. At the time I was in love with Anthony Bent Dick Bianchi, taking lots of shit and giving lots of fucks, so I declined her offer.
Now, I’m thinking that was a mistake.
“What can we get you?”
My attention snaps back to the nice person behind the counter. “I was told to ask Jake for The Kermit, half the dandelion, extra apples. But …” My eyes flit to him. He keeps his back to me like I didn’t just say his name. “I think I’d prefer you to make it for me.”
The knife in his hand thunks against the chopping board. Jake turns slowly, a poisonous smile curling his lips. “Bethanne, I’ve got this.”
Gwyneth Bethanne winks at me before grabbing dirty dishes from the counter and disappearing into the back room.
The older lady at the counter slides off the stool. “Bye, Jake.” She takes her drink and gives me a polite smile as she breezes to the door. Does he let her just leave with it? Do they not have to-go cups in Milwaukee?
“Have a seat, Paige.” Jake nods to the vacated barstool.
“Avery not Paige.” I climb up onto the stool. “My shorts are Paige. That’s a brand, not my name. What brand are your shorts?”
Jake shoves greens and other things into the juicer, never taking his eyes off me. “Do I look like the kind of guy who knows what brand I’m wearing without looking at the tag?” he yells over the juicer.
I wait for him to finish so I don’t have to yell back at him. “I don’t know. I’m a preacher’s daughter. You know … thou shalt not judge.”
He slides the glass toward me. I catch it on a gasp, eyes wide, jaw slack with disbelief. Had I not stopped it, I would have green juice all down the front of my shirt.
“Yeah, there’s nothing about you that feels judgmental.” He shrugs. “But what do I know? I’m just monkey-spanking dick cheese.”
I take a sip of the green drink. “Not bad.”
He shakes his head, tipping his chin down to hide his smirk. “Something tells me that’s the equivalent of a glowing review coming from you.”
“Now who’s being judgmental?” I set a ten-dollar bill onto the counter as I stand, grabbing my handbag and the green drink.
“I’m not a preacher’s daughter. The rules don’t apply to me.”
I roll my eyes. “Whatever. Keep the change.”
“Are you drinking that outside?”
“No.” I slide on my sunglasses. “I need to get back to …” Deedy’s? My dad’s house? Hell? “Somewhere.”
“Then I’ll put it in a to-go cup. You can’t take off with my glass.”
I turn. “Uh … I just watched that lady walk out of here with a glass.”
“She’ll be back. Same time. Same order. Everyday.”
“I’ll bring it back tomorrow.”
“I doubt it.” He scoffs.
“I will. I promise.”
“You better or I’ll report it as stolen.”
I cough a laugh. “It’s a mason jar that probably costs less than a dollar.”
“The mason jars we use here were my grandmother’s. She used to make jam. So if you walk out the door with that, it’s like you’re taking part of my grandmother with you. Just…” he lets out a slow breath “…bring her back in one piece.”
I don’t know what to say. Rarely does a guy’s sentimentality surprise me, but that’s really sweet. “I’ll guard it with my life.”
The curly-haired lady rubs Swarley behind his ears. “Thanks for coming, buddy. Stop by again sometime.”
“Thanks for watching him.” I stir the drink with the straw.
Swarley plants his lazy ass down at my feet, shifting his body just enough to knock me off balance. I stumble back a few feet.
Crash!
The jar of juice splatters and shatters on the ground.
“Swarley! Oh my gosh! No … I’m so sorry. He bumped me and I couldn’t keep ahold of the glass because my other hand is ruined, and—”
“Hey, it’s fine. Really. It was an accident. No big deal. Just watch out for the glass.” She hunches down, hugging Swarley so he doesn’t move. “Jake, come here! Hurry.” Kissing the side of Swarley’s head, she baby talks to him. “Don’t want this handsome guy getting glass in his paws.”
His paws? I have green juice splattered all over my Tory Burch Reva Flats.
Jake gives me a hard look as he steps over the glass, picks up Swarley, and carries him away from the dangerous mess.
“I’m sooo sorry.”
She waves me off as we bend down to pick up the pieces. “It’s no big deal.”
“It’s a huge deal. I broke his grandmother’s jar into a million pieces.”
“What are you talking about?” She scoots the trash bin closer to us and tosses pieces into it.
“The jar belonged to his grandmother,” I grit between my teeth, afraid to talk about it too loudly. I’m sure he’s crushed by my carelessness. Swarley’s carelessness.
“Oh my god.” She laughs. “We get them from a distributor. A dime a dozen. Who said they belonged to Jake’s grandmother?”
I lift my gaze to meet his cocky grin as he sweeps the sidewalk. Standing, I close the distance between us, pointing a finger in his face. “Screw. You.”
Wetting his lips, he grins. “Now that sounds like something a preacher’s daughter would do.”
I want to punch out every perfectly aligned white tooth in his mouth. “Let’s go, Swarley.”
CHAPTER THREE
Please let my dad and Deedy be dressed.
Please let Deedy be older than me by at least a decade.
Please wake me up from this nightmare that’s become my life.
No such luck.
The nightmare plays on.
“Hey, Avery, can I get ya some lemonade before we start unloading the moving van? It’s fresh squeezed.”
Swarley makes friends with the maple tree and half of the shrubs along the front of the house while I force a smile—the one where I pretend it’s not at all shocking to see my dad lounging in a wooden rocker on the porch with Deedy on his lap.
Cute. Cozy. Barf!
“Lemonade would be great. Thank you.” Get off my dad’s lap!
“Coming right up.” She kisses my dad on the cheek and flutters into the house, leaving my dad with a twitterpated grin.
He sighs all dreamy and … just … no. This is not happening. “So what do you think, Ave?”
I climb the porch steps. “I think you’re crazy if you think I’m unloading anything. My hand is injured and my nails were recently manicured.”
He pats his knee.
I shake my head. His lap is all Deedied. I’m never sitting on it again. The top step will work just fine. “How old is she, Dad?”
“Does it matter?” He scratches the back of his head. “How old is your boyfriend? What’s his name? Tony?”
“We’re not exactly together. He had…” I frown because beneath all the anger is this horrific embarrassment laced with a world of insecurities “…honesty issues.”
“What did he lie to you about? The balance in his bank account.” He winks.
I roll my eyes. “Chocolate. He said he hated chocolate, but I found out he actually likes it a lot.”
A hearty chuckle rumbles from Dad’s chest. “And that’s a deal breaker for your relationship?”
I stare at my nails, thankful I got the gel coating since it could be awhile before I get them redone. “Sadly, yes. It was quite the deal breaker. But enough about my latest mistake, stop dodging my question. How old is Deedy?”
“I’m thirty-eight.” The screen door creeks as Deedy steps onto the porch, handing me a lemonade garnished with a strawberry and mint leaves.
I love pretty drinks, but this one already tastes sour, and I haven’t even taken a sip yet.
“Thank you.�
� My voice breaks with a bit of embarrassment.
“Yes, I’m young enough to be Tommy’s daughter, but love doesn’t care about age.”
Tommy? I shoot my dad a questioning look, but he’s too busy helping the Deedy get settled onto his lap again. Tommy is a five-year-old boy who wets himself the first day of school or maybe a clothing designer, but not a minister.
Dear Heavenly Father,
If I stop being a hypocrite and vow to never date anyone more than five years older or younger than myself, will you make this woman go away? If I promise to respect the boundaries of my generation, will you remind Tommy that he vowed to serve you and not his dwindling sex drive?
He’s running late with his midlife crisis. That’s the only logical explanation. Sorry, Dad, you missed that train. Now you have to show maturity or they’ll revoke your AARP membership, including your roadside assistance.
Deedy … it’s just disturbing on so many levels. She has my California blond hair, only shorter with an inverted-bob sweeping her chin. Blue eyes resemble mine, just not as light. In this small, aching pit in my stomach, I think of how she looks like my mom might have at thirty-eight had she lived that long.
The Deedy is too pretty, too young, and too …. I don’t know … all over my dad like a horny girl who just figured out how to rub herself off.
Gah! It hits me. They’re going to have sex. I cringe. Can he even get it up? My experience with older men is they do best with a pill. Eww … for the first time in my life, my mind has decided to make the comparison between the older men I’ve dated and my father.
It’s in my head! Make it stop. Will he do his thing missionary style? They have to, right? After all, he’s a minister and she’s been on mission trips. Will he go down on her? GAH! No. No! NO! Make it stop!
“Avery, are you feeling okay? You have a mortified look on your face.” Dad tears his unholy gaze from Deedy long enough to acknowledge I’m still here.
This trip was an epic mistake. I should have had my car checked at a garage in Illinois and headed straight back to Los Angeles. My days of being the apple of my father’s eye are over. He’s robbing the cradle, and Anthony likes chocolate. What is happening to the world?
“Yeah, just thinking about something that’s a little disturbing. I’m fine.”
“How was your walk?” He nuzzles Deedy’s neck.
“I stopped by a cafe, but it didn’t go so well. Swarley made me spill my green drink all over.”
“Oh!” Deedy’s back snaps to attention, eyes wide. “You stopped at Sage Leaf Cafe?”
“Yeah, we have one in L.A. I don’t go there often, just when I’m trying to impress someone in the hippie crowd.”
“It’s an all vegan restaurant.” She glances back at my dad. “The food is the best. Jake Matthews, the owner, is the nicest guy, and he’s—”
My brow furrows. “I don’t know if I’d agree with that assessment.”
“Oh, Avery, he’s incredible.” She winks. “And single.”
He was a dick to me. Of course he’s single.
“Then you should date him.” I shoot them a toothy grin.
Dad frowns. “Avery …”
“I’m joking.” I stand, taking a sip of the lemonade.
Deedy bites back her smile. I give her a little credit for not being offended. The look she shoots me says she knows my game. I know hers too—make the adult daughter look like a selfish, spoiled brat. Make the old man choose between the needy child and the best blowjob he’s ever had.
Dammit! Stupid mind.
My phone chimes. I dig it out of my Hermes bag. “Avery Montgomery.”
“This is Trace from Wellman’s garage. We’ve inspected your vehicle and found two major problems and several minor ones.”
“Okay, how much will it cost to get it road-ready again?”
“Fifty-five hundred.”
“What the fu—” I grimace as my dad gives me a disapproving look. “Fudge stripes are you talking about? I don’t think the whole vehicle is worth that much.”
“I’m afraid I have to agree with you there. It has over 200,000 miles on it, and from what we can see, it doesn’t look like you’ve had regular maintenance on it.”
After setting my glass on the railing, I rub my temples, taking a deep breath. “Thanks. Bye.”
“Wait, ma’am, what do you want to do?”
“Nothing. Just keep it.”
“Wait—”
I press end. “My Honda is dead. I need a car.”
“Avery, you can borrow mine.” Deedy gives me a sympathy frown that matches the one my dad’s wearing.
I shake my head. “No. I don’t need to borrow a car. I need a new one, but I don’t have a job.” I hold up my injured hand. “Or a way to make money.”
Or a sugar daddy.
“Since I can’t afford one at the moment, I’m going to have to just take a rental car back to L.A. and figure things out from there.”
“Avery, I don’t want you driving all the way back there by yourself. I’m not at all happy that you drove to Illinois without someone with you. It’s not safe for you to travel alone.”
I nod toward my nemesis. “I have Swarley.”
“An old dog. Not good enough. Maybe we should drive you home.”
“No!”
Even Swarley jumps to attention at my adamant refusal to drive all the way to Los Angeles with my father and the Deedy.
My apology comes in the form of a stiff smile. “Swarley likes to sprawl out, taking up more than half of the backseat. It would be a miserable trip for the three of us with him and all of my luggage.”
“Avery, I’m not letting you go by yourself.”
“Let’s not worry about this right now. I’ll get something figured out.”
Hitchhiking.
Leaving Swarley behind and flying home first class.
Slitting my wrists.
Anything that doesn’t involve road-tripping with them.
“Deedy, do you need help with dinner?”
“Thanks, but it’s all in the Instant Pot. Just twenty more minutes.”
“Okay.” I smile. “Then let’s uh…” I jab my good thumb over my shoulder “…get your things unloaded from the van, Dad.”
“Your hand.” Deedy removes herself from my father’s lap. “You go inside and rest, Avery. I’ll call over a few neighbor friends to help out. We’ll have this unloaded in no time.”
“I have one good hand. I can carry some light stuff.”
“Sit.” She points to the empty chair that my dad vacated because it’s a new law that he and Deedy have to stay within fondling distance of each other at all times.
“Fine.” I roll my eyes and take a seat in the chair, having had no real intentions of helping unload the truck. I’m trying to not pop anymore pain pills for my hand, but it aches at the moment.
Ten minutes later, half the neighborhood arrives to unload my dad’s stuff. As the worker bees pass in and out of the house, I hug my injured hand to my chest so they know I’m wounded and not simply lazy.
“Hey, handsome dog, fancy seeing you again.”
My head snaps up from my phone screen at the sound of Bethanne’s voice—one of the nice ones from Sage Leaf Cafe. She shoots me a grin while carrying a box up the steps. “Hello again.”
“Hi, wow. Small world. You live in the neighborhood?”
She jerks her head to the side. “Two houses over. I love this neighborhood, especially Deedy. She’s the bomb.”
Before I can add my opinion on Deedy being the bomb, Bethanne continues into the house with the box. When she returns, she wipes her brow and leans against the porch railing. “I’m Bethanne, by the way.”
I nod. “Yes, I heard Jake say your name. I’m Avery.”
She nods. “How do you know Deedy?”
She’s my father’s belated midlife crisis.
“My dad met her online.”
“Oh my god! You’re one of Tom’s daughters?”
/> With a tightlipped smile, I nod.
“Deedy has been talking about him nonstop. She’s so in love. I talked her off the ledge of a nervous breakdown the night before she asked him to marry her.”
“Wait. She asked him?”
Bethanne makes a quick glance out to the yard and lowers her voice. “Yes. She said he wouldn’t agree to meet her in person because he was lonely and he knew he wouldn’t be able to let her go.”
I try to hide my flinch. He was lonely. I press my hand closer to my chest, but not because my hand hurts—this time it’s my heart.
Loneliness is the side effect of solitude starving the soul. I know it quite well.
“I didn’t know,” I whisper.
“Don’t feel bad. He found Deedy.”
My gaze inches to Bethanne’s. “He’s not rich.”
She chuckles. “Deedy doesn’t care about money. It’s all about love. I can promise you, she loves him.”
My attention shifts from Bethanne to my dad and Deedy unloading the truck with her village of friends. He looks happy.
Really.
Truly.
Happy.
“Thank you.” I smile. “I just didn’t see it.” Probably because I’ve never had a man look at me like my dad looks at Deedy.
“So how long are you staying in Milwaukee?”
“Just until I figure out how to get back to L.A. with my sister’s dog. My car took its last breath. Flying isn’t an option. And my dad refuses to let me drive by myself. I already tried closing my eyes and snapping my fingers three times, but it didn’t work. I’m still here.”
She grins. “Ya know … I might have just the ticket you need.”
“Ticket?”
“Yeah. I bet I can get you a ride if you’re willing to wait until next week.”
I frown. “I was thinking of sneaking out before my dad swallows his erectile dysfunction pill.”
“Ha! I get that. But seriously, if you don’t mind waiting, I can get a ride for you and your sister’s dog.”
“You’re not planning on stowing me in the back of a semitrailer filled with cheese are you?”
“I would never.” She grins. “Meet me at the cafe around ten tomorrow morning, and we’ll get it all planned out.”
“Can we meet somewhere else? I think I should avoid that Jake guy at all costs.”
