by Melanie Dawn
I sat a few extra minutes in the driver’s seat, leaning my head on the steering wheel. My nerves were shot. My hands trembled, and the tears wouldn’t stop. Alexis and I both sobbed all the way home.
Weeks had passed without a hitch. I’d managed to get Chris out of segregation a day earlier than scheduled. He’d seemed a little more jovial since then. I’d hoped our countless sessions were helping him.
The day started out pretty much like any other day, except for the fact that I’d forgotten my lunch at home that morning and was forced to grab a tray from the cafeteria.
I made my way down the quiet corridor toward the dining room. The cafeteria was small compared to a typical high school. Three long tables stretched out across the room. Bench seats were attached to the tables. The floor was lined with cream colored tiles and the occasional out-of-place blue tile. You could hear the loud clanking of plastic trays and metal pans echoing down the hall. The food was mediocre, at best, but for some of these kids it was better than anything they ever got at home. Lunch was served promptly at noon every day.
“Great to see you, Mrs. Honeycutt,” Mrs. Collins greeted me with a smile. Bright blue eyes peered at me under the poofy hair net. Ruth Collins was by far my favorite cafeteria worker. She always loaded my tray with two freshly baked cookies instead of just one. The state would never pay to serve inmates delicious snacks, so Mrs. Collins always baked her own desserts at home and brought them with her to work, treating the staff to her baked goodies. She was always friendly and talkative, not only to me, but to the kids too. A lot of older adults in this facility seemed burned out. Not Ruth. She would laugh and cut up with the boys every day. Sometimes I thought she sneaked extra cookies on their trays too, but I never let on that I knew.
I grinned at her. “Thank you. It’s great to see you too, Mrs. Collins.”
“Here’s a little something extra for you today,” she whispered. Her bright, aged blue eyes danced with mischief. “I know cow patties are your favorite.” I loved cow patties, those delicious no-bake chocolate oatmeal cookies that resembled… well… cow patties.
“Thanks, Mrs. Collins,” I whispered covertly, excited to enjoy her homemade snack. “I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week.”
“I’ve gotta work this weekend, so it should be great!”
I chuckled inwardly. No one loved their job as much as Ruth did. I loved her attitude. These kids loved her too. I turned around and saw a few guys in the corner eyeing us. I put a finger to my lips, hinting to keep quiet. One boy nodded and took a bite of his cow patty with a wink.
“Mrs. Honeycutt,” Greg called from another table. “Come sit by us.”
“Yeah,” Chris agreed, waving me over as he started scooting down the bench. “We’ll make room.”
I shook my head regretfully. “Sorry boys. I can’t today. I have some paperwork to finish. Maybe next week sometime?”
I was flattered that these guys enjoyed our lunchtime conversations. I tried to eat lunch with them at least once a week. It was like another group therapy session, just like our pick-up basketball games. We would laugh and talk the whole meal. They’d tell me about their families, reminisce about what they missed back home, and muse over their hopes and dreams for the future. In those few short moments I’d forget the mess my life was in back home.
“How about next Monday?” Chris asked with a smile tugging at his lips, which melted my heart. Who could say no to those deep, brown eyes and that adorable dimple?
I nodded, returning a smile. “Maybe Monday.”
Greg fist pumped the air. “Yes!”
My face beamed with pride. I really grew to love these kids. While my job was to help them spread their wings and prepare them for their long flight in life, some part of me always dreaded seeing them leave. Some I would see again. Others I wouldn’t. It was like a game of roulette. Once those kids left Fairbanks, it was all up to them. Sometimes the weight of the world was on my shoulders when I watched them walk down the sidewalk away from the gates of juvie. I just hoped at the end of the day, I’d done justice to their time here at Fairbanks.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Malik. He was sitting near Chris and Greg, but he hadn’t looked up from his tray since I’d been standing there. It looked as if he hadn’t touched a bite of his food either. I made a mental note to speak to him as soon as I could. Sitting several tables away, I saw Toombs. Toombs’s facial expression was flat. He slowly chewed his food, watching Malik. Malik was a big guy too, but nothing in comparison to Toombs. Malik was one of the toughest kids in juvie, but Toombs had a presence—one you feared. Toombs stared Malik down from across the room. Malik’s eyes never left his tray. What’s that about?
I was filing some paperwork in my office when Chris walked in for his session.
“How are you doing today, Chris?” I asked, smiling as he stepped into my office and plopped down on my sofa.
The grave look on his face gave me my answer. I didn’t understand. He seemed okay at lunch. I wondered what happened.
“Not too good,” he sighed.
“Why? What’s up? Wanna talk about it?”
With a typical teenage response, Chris shrugged his shoulders.
“What’s on your mind today?” I lightly pushed him for dialogue.
“I don’t know…” he said dejectedly.
“It always helps to get things off your chest.”
Looking out the window, Chris grumbled, “I don’t know. I just can’t get her out of my head, Mrs. Honeycutt. She’s all I ever think about. And not hearing from her after all those letters I’ve written… it kills me. This place sucks. I have no life. My dad’s in prison. When I lived at home, my mom was a walking zombie most days. Everything pretty much sucks right now.”
Chris tugged the knees of his pants while he spoke, gently rocking back and forth with pent up emotion. “I mean, sometimes I’m totally fine, you know. And then the next minute I feel like shit. Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world, and then I hit rock bottom again.”
Unfortunately I knew exactly what he meant.
He continued, staring at the floor while he muttered, “I’m sure people look at me and see a loser. A kid who can’t get his life straight. A kid who can’t stay out of trouble. I can hear it now. Adults whispering to each other, ‘he’ll never amount to anything.’”
He snapped his head up, fixing his gaze on me. His worried eyes pleaded for assurance from me. “Sometimes I worry that they might be right. I almost feel like there’s no point in my existence… no point in living. Know what I mean?”
Oh, I knew all right. In fact, I’d considered ending it all on more than one occasion, but Chris didn’t need to hear that. So, despite my own feelings of worthlessness, I wanted to help him see how important he truly was.
“Chris, you have so much to offer this world. You have friends and family that love you. You write inspiring words every day through your lyrics. Someday, someone out there is going to be touched by your songs. In fact, you can make a difference in someone’s life and not even know it.”
Chris huffed and stared blankly out the window, seemingly unconvinced.
I had to show him. I had to make him believe. “You don’t even realize it now, but you’re already making a difference in someone’s life right this very minute.”
I watched him as his wheels spun over my words, processing it. Did he understand what I was getting at? He had no idea the impact he was having on my life. Little did he know, he was giving me a reason to get up every day. He gave me a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
His brown eyes slowly tore themselves away from the barred window and settled on mine. “I wish that were true,” he said dejectedly.
“It is true, Chris. You worry about needing a reason to live? You, Malik, and the rest of these boys here make a difference in my life every day. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for you guys.”
Tears sprang to my eyes. I tried to swal
low back the lump in my throat, but it was too late. Big, silent tears slipped from my eyelids and slid down my cheeks. I quickly grabbed a tissue from the box on my desk, dabbing it under my eyes. While I knew I might have been taking a big risk in saying it, I needed him to understand where I was coming from, so I whispered, “You are the reason I choose life every day.”
Chris saw the first tear fall from my face, and he immediately lowered his eyes. “Aw, shit, Mrs. Honeycutt…” he began, but rendered speechless. For a few silent moments, he watched me, seemingly embarrassed by my admission, but also touched and maybe a little curious.
Finally finding his voice, he stammered, “I… I don’t even know what to say.”
Gathering my composure in an attempt to regain my professionalism, I assured him, “You don’t have to say anything. Just walk away from this session today knowing that I need you here. Everyone needs you here. You have so much to offer. Use your gifts and your talents to make the world better. I just know you’re going places. I can feel it.”
A hint of a smile played on his lips as he wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. “Thank you,” he whispered.
Maybe I’d hit home. Did I overstep the bounds of my training to get through to him? Probably. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
After several more minutes of surface talk, I glanced at the clock. The time for our short session had ended.
I stood up to usher Chris to the door of my office where Officer Blevins was waiting for him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break down in front of you today. I just hope you’ll think about what I’ve said and really let it soak in.”
Chris nodded. “It’s okay, Mrs. H. I will. Thank you.”
“You know I love you boys. I just want the best for all of you,” I told him and patted him on his back.
“We love you too, Mrs. H. I don’t know what we’d do without you.”
“You’d manage,” I quipped, attempting to lighten the mood.
Casually shrugging his shoulders, he teased, “Maybe.”
We were both laughing when Officer Blevins stepped around the corner and smiled. “Another happy customer, huh?”
“You bet,” Chris said, giving him a thumbs up.
“Great,” Officer Blevins beamed, “Now we’re off to KP duty.”
“Ugh,” Chris groaned, slumping his shoulders and hanging his hands by his side. “I hate kitchen patrol.”
“You and everyone else in this place,” Officer Blevins grinned. “But it has to be done, and you’re on the schedule.”
“Okay. Bye Mrs. H,” Chris called as Barry escorted him toward the cafeteria.
“Bye, Chris.” I waved, then shut my door and sighed. I had such high hopes for that kid. I had faith that he’d get his act together once he got out of this place so he could put his talents to good use.
Knowing the possibility of the positive impact I could be having on their lives felt like a personal high for me. Considering I was at an all-time low in my personal life, these kids kept me balanced, giving me eight hours a day to escape my own personal hell. While I struggled with my demons, I felt empowered knowing that I could help someone else with theirs.
The next day, I sat with Malik in my office. I was trying to get him to talk about the situation with Toombs that seemed to be escalating. That was probably my first mistake.
“Would you be willing to tell me what’s going on with Toombs?” I asked, hoping he’d take the bait.
“It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with,” Malik assured me, snapping his head to glare out the window, clearly uninterested in discussing it any further.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “I saw him staring you down in the cafeteria yesterday, and today I saw him slam his shoulder into you when he walked by. What’s that about?”
“Look, Mrs. H., I’ll tell you again, it’s nothing… nothing I can’t handle.” Malik ran his hands over his thighs and anxiously bounced his feet on the floor, seemingly eager to end the conversation.
I motioned toward the door, indicating an invitation for Toombs to join us. “Maybe we should bring him in here and handle it togeth—”
“Forget it!” Malik barked, slamming his hands on the armrests of the chair and stilling his feet.
I flinched. I knew I needed to quickly diffuse his temper. “Malik, look—”
“Mrs. H, you look,” he countered, pointing a stiff finger toward my face. “Get a fucking clue, alright. You’re sweet. It’s nice of you to wanna help, but you can’t. You wanna walk around Fairbanks trying to save the world, but I’ve got a news flash for you… Fairbanks ain’t the real world. You can’t save us. When we get out of here, we’re going back to the same hell we came from while you sit in your office talking bullshit about reaching for the stars and finding pots of gold at the end of rainbows. That’s not real life! Out there,” Malik bit out, pointing toward my window, “is the real world… with drugs, and crime, and debts to be paid, and fucked up families. So don’t sit here and pretend that you can understand me… or any of us. You can’t! You want to live this fairytale dream that things will change for us one day, but they won’t! Toombs is just the tip of a bigger problem that you can’t even begin to understand. So don’t even fucking try! Okay?” Malik trembled with pent up anger.
I started to reach out to him, but realized quickly that I needed to keep my distance. I couldn’t hide the fear that had suddenly welled up in me. “Malik, I know you’re upset,” I said with a soothing tone, trying to keep him calm.
Grabbing the sides of his head with his hands, he raked his fingers across his closely-shaved hair. “I’m more than fucking upset! I’m pissed the fuck off! I’m sick of him. I’m sick of you. I’m sick of this place. I’m sick of everything!”
“Listen, try to calm down.” I looked nervously around my office. I’d never been in a situation like this before. I knew I had a panic button under my desk, but my desk was across the room. I would have to pass by Malik first to get to it. Dammit, I should have sat closer to my desk. I realized I shouldn’t have told Officer Harris, his escorting officer, to keep his distance because my kids didn’t open up to me when they felt like there were listening ears. I just didn’t realize Malik would flip out like he did. “It’s okay. We can work through this,” I said in soothing tone.
“It’s not fucking okay. Don’t even say that. You have no idea what I deal with every fucking day!” Malik clenched his fists by his side. The veins in his neck bulged, and his jaw muscles twitched when he clenched his teeth.
Panic overwhelmed me. By then I was looking for any way to calm him down. “You’re right,” I assured him. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
I knew if I screamed, the guards would bust down the door and snatch him up like a rag doll. But if I did that, I’d be right back at square one with him. He wouldn’t trust me and I will have lost him forever. No reform. No breakthrough. It just wasn’t worth it. I rose from my chair, slinking behind it and standing there as if its tiny frame would protect me. “Malik, look, we can handle this. Getting angry and out of control isn’t going to help. Please. I need you to calm down. I want to understand where you’re coming from.”
I could practically see the steam spewing from Malik’s ears. The corners of his mouth twitched with rage. His glowering eyes glared through me as if he didn’t even recognize me. He jumped up from his seat, towering over me with his finger in my face. “Why don’t you shut the fuck up, bitch! Just shut the fuck up before I punch my fist straight down your throat. Don’t tell me to fucking calm down!”
I knew it was too late—too late to scream, move, or hit that panic button. Dammit! Before I could react, Malik grabbed me and had me by my throat against the wall of my office.
“I don’t need your shit too…” he hissed in my ear. I gasped for breath, my fingers frantically clawing at his hand around my windpipe. I writhed and kicked, trying to break free.
Malik sucked in a deep breath through his nose, grinding his teeth. His demeanor rem
inded me of a bull ready to charge. Shit! He was strong—stronger than I ever imagined.
“Please,” I gurgled. “Please, Malik.” The searing pain of his calloused hands on the soft skin of my throat stung my skin. Where the hell was the guard? He must have stepped too far away from my office to hear the scuffle. Why? Why in the hell had I told him to do that? I should have known better than to put myself at risk! Help! My mind screamed, but the sound of my voice was cut off by the hands gripping my throat. Oh god, please!
Malik held me up against the wall high enough that my toes scraped the ground, but not low enough to catch my footing. I scrambled, trying to alleviate the pressure on my throat. My oxygen was quickly running out. All I could think was… Alexis.
Just then, my door burst open. It was Chris, and his eyes were primed to kill. Officer Harris was right behind him¸ but Chris got to me first.
He ripped Malik off of me and thrust him toward the floor. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, asshole?!” Chris screamed.
“Get off me, motherfucker!” Malik spit into his face.
Officer Harris called for backup and tried to pull the boys away from each other
Two more guards immediately rushed the scene, shackling them, and hauling them both away. I heard Chris yelling, “That shitbag was choking her! Make sure she’s okay!”
I gasped for air, crumbling onto my sofa. Tears fells from my eyes and dripped onto my cheeks. I’d always been too trusting… too naïve. I thought I could save these boys. I thought I could change them and turn them into good, upstanding citizens. Clearly, I had lofty aspirations, but I wasn’t about to give up. Not yet. My time at Fairbanks wasn’t done. I was holding my throat, already tender from the bruising when Officer Blevins flew into my office in a panic.
“Oh god, Salem. Are you okay? I just radioed someone from medical. They’re on the way.” Inspecting my throat, he asked, “Are you hurt?”
