by A. E. Murphy
Of course I don’t stop following her; I’m not done. “What does this mean for the captain?”
“It means he doesn’t have a fucking ship to rule anymore.” She climbs into a dark blue car moments later, flipping me off before closing the door and forcing the car into gear causing it to choke for a moment.
Poor Calder. That fucking Clunk.
I watch her drive away and return to my own vehicle. My brother, being the crafty shit that he is, has called me already but I missed it. I wait for his next call but it doesn’t come, not immediately anyway and when it finally does, I’m already with Niall and can’t say a thing.
He wouldn’t understand, he’d see it as a betrayal and that’s probably because it is.
Meanwhile, as all of this drama is going off, I just noticed I have a tiny bump. I stop and look at it in the mirror and smile, but then Niall appears behind my reflection and he looks devastated.
“Hey, Daddy.” I try but his look merely twists into one of extreme unhappiness. He shakes his head and walks away, making my heart fall to the bottom of my stomach.
He doesn’t want this.
He’s doing this out of guilt and I’m so terrified of doing this alone I can’t bring myself to do the right thing and let him go.
I love him. I’ve loved him for the past four years of my life. Just because I started feeling things for somebody else doesn’t mean I stopped feeling things for him.
“Niall,” I call, my voice a hoarse whisper.
He doesn’t come back and my heart doesn’t situate itself back in my chest where it belongs. It stays hidden and I wonder if it will ever return.
My brother has no visible bruises during our visit today and Calder is nowhere to be seen. Instead in his place is a greasy-haired guy who blew me a kiss when he caught my eye on my way in. That is until River turned and glared at him, the pussy soon looked down as though he wanted the ground to swallow him whole.
“You’re too pretty for a place like this,” my brother comments. “You’re all they talk about when they think I’m not listening. Caught one guy wanking over a picture of us as pre-teens. One Mum sent. Tell her to stop doing that. I keep having to burn them.”
“What did you do?”
He shrugs. “Didn’t have to do anything, your prison pirate beat me to it. Fucked that nonce up something bad. Had maybe three teeth left in his mouth. Not that he had many to begin with.”
Did he do that because of me or because the guy was a paedophile? “So you’ve spoken?”
“We’ve traded some words. He’s not doing good in here.”
“You’re being nice to him?” I ask, confused. “He kidnapped me.”
“Aye.” He smiles and taps my wrist. “But in here I’ve got to pick my battles and seems you’ve forgiven him anyway.”
“I have not.” I pout, remembering again the hell that was that ship. But then it wasn’t hell, not really, not once I felt more at home and had the freedom to move. “Has he tried to speak to you about me?”
“He’s not that stupid but I might have something to say when he’s out of the basement.”
“The basement?” I blink away my panic but he saw it.
He raises a thick brow. “Isolation. He couldn’t go unpunished for fucking up the nonce, could he?”
“Right.”
“Saying that, he doesn’t speak to anyone, but men are getting word of who he is and what he has out there. They’re eager for a taste of freedom on the sea. I, however, don’t like the shift in power. This is my domain, not his, so I’ve got to get him on my side or I’ve got to put him down.”
“Are you scared of him?”
“Not in the slightest.” He puffs out his chest and then grins at me through narrow slits for eyes. “But I’ve gotta get him under the thumb or he might persuade my boys to change allegiance.”
I don’t like the way he’s looking at me right now. “Where exactly do I come into this?”
“Just need you to talk to him when he asks and he will ask.”
“How can you be so sure?”
Chuckling, he pushes his hair back and then shakes it free. “A man like that lives for freedom, a man like me has a plan to escape and needs that freedom on the outside. The captain could be of use to me.”
I don’t tell him that Captain Calder is a captain no more because this pipe dream is way off and if it keeps him out of trouble and gives him something to focus on in the meantime I’m good with him believing it to all be rosy for now.
“Niall would find out. He’d never forgive me.”
“It’ll be a while yet I should imagine, they’ll probably keep him in the basement for a shit lot longer than any other prisoner. Besides, don’t you want closure?”
“Not really,” I lie. What kind of closure could a talk with him bring me? What more is there to say?
“You sure? Because last I heard, you’re on his guest list. In fact, you’re the only person on his guest list.”
He still wants to see me after everything? Why? And why is my brother so relaxed about it all? Something about this doesn’t sit right with me.
“By the look on your face I’d say you definitely need closure.”
I narrow my eyes, projecting my mistrust his way. “You’re using me for more than to get out of here, aren’t you?”
He raises his hands. “Say the word, Rain, and you know I’ll fuck him up so bad he’ll wish he never met you. But I know you. I can see it in your eyes, you don’t want him in here any more than you want me in here.”
That’s not true, it’s better that he’s in here and not out there. Right? He’s a criminal.
But then… so am I.
“It’s complicated,” I mumble, wishing I could hug him. My brother, not the captain.
“Talk to me, Rain. Please. Let me share the burden.”
I look up at the ceiling like I always do when I find it hard to meet my brother’s eyes. He’s the one person in this world I absolutely trust with all of my secrets, but he’s also the one person in the world that I need to believe in me always. I’m terrified of ever disappointing him. “I started to love him, River. I never wanted to leave.”
He’s silent for such a long time, I almost look at him again to gauge his reaction but then he finally hums and clears his throat. “Niall seems to think he raped you.”
Sigh. “I haven’t really told him otherwise. I’m an awful, horrible person.”
“So he didn’t rape you?”
“He still kidnapped me.”
“But he didn’t rape you. Did he hit you?”
I shake my head meaning no.
His eyes darken. “Did he verbally abuse you?”
I shake my head again.
“Then what the fuck did he do other than kidnap you.”
“You say that like it’s a small thing. Because of him I almost got raped by somebody else and I almost died.”
“Okay, that’s not great but did he deal with it?”
This time I nod meaning yes. “Yes, I suppose.”
“So what happened? Why do you hate him specifically?”
“Because he told me he loved me, I told him to piss off, and he fucked somebody else behind a tiki hut to hurt me,” I blurt and rest my forehead on my palms. “And it worked. It really fucking hurt. So I left, and he got arrested, and then he came back for me and I didn’t go with him and here we are.”
My brother taps his fingers on the table top. “And here we are.” But then he stupidly asks, “Who did he fuck?”
I level him with a glare that I hope physically hurts him. “Does it matter? Some island bitch prostitute.”
“No, I just wanted to see if you were over it or not. You’re not.”
If I could throw something at him right now, I would.
“Want me to kick him in the dick for you?”
I think on it for a moment. It would be a nice payback but at this point I think he has been hurt enough. “No.”
He chuckles and h
is handsome smile so similar to my own shines my way. “You thought about it.”
“I’m tempted to say yes.”
We both laugh a little together but not for long because his smile fades to a mask of sincerity. “If he apologised would you forgive him?”
“Is he speaking to you through a bloody wire?” I ask, looking at his ear for any sign of a bug. “No. He had sex with somebody to purposely hurt me. Not to mention the fact I am carrying precious cargo. What kind of life could I give it on the sea?”
“I wish I knew what to say, sis.”
This is exactly why I’m not mentioning the fact he’d been drugging me too, so I can’t be sure any of it was real. My brother would definitely hurt him then.
“Me too,” I reply, a breathy mutter.
“But still, don’t think I’m choosing him over you. Just say the word and he’s done.”
“Don’t touch him, River. Not yet anyway.”
He smiles that smile I know so well. Then he asks, “You got a plan?”
I shrug. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Get that brain of yours working, sis. I need all the help I can get.”
“You’re hardly speaking to me at the moment,” I say to Niall as he adjusts his clip-on tie.
“You’re not exactly a beacon of friendliness right now,” Niall replies.
I roll my eyes and approach his back which is covered by a white and blue pinstriped shirt. A shirt I ironed last night for him. “I’m tired, Niall. This pregnancy is kicking my arse and I’ve had so much to catch up on at work.”
“Me too, minus the pregnancy.” He turns and gently cups my growing bump with both hands. I’m still tiny but there’s enough there to fondle. “I’m not happy that you were in the same room as that fucking…” He blows out an angry breath, stopping himself in his tracks. “I don’t want you going to see your brother without me anymore.”
I blink at him. “You know that’s not possible, you know what they’ll do to him if they find out he’s friends with a cop.”
He grits his teeth but swiftly changes the subject. “I’m going to finish early tonight. I want to take you out. We haven’t been anywhere together in weeks.”
“Agreed. I don’t think our parents’ houses count,” I mumble, smiling playfully.
“Exactly. Do you want to?”
I nod. “It’ll be nice getting dressed up. And I’ve missed you.”
“Me too.” He pulls my head into his chest, something he often does and I’m wondering if it’s because he just can’t stand to look at me. “You’re my girl, Rain. I’d be fucked without you.”
“The way it seems right now you’re more fucked with me.”
He pulls back sharply and his eyes scan my face. “Don’t ever say that again.”
“I feel bad, Niall. It’s not like things are rosy, let’s be real. Look at me.”
“I am looking at you and I still love you and I’m still here.”
I tuck my hair behind my ear and then run my fingers down his tie. “What if you end up resenting us both?”
“That’ll never happen.”
I see a flicker in his eye and wonder if he’s feeling it already, or perhaps I’m imagining it to relieve my own guilt. I almost want him to resent me, I feel like I’m worthy of nothing else. “Well, I’m looking forward to our date tonight.”
“It’s time to start moving on together, we’ve been holding back because of everything and it’s not working. I feel like I’m constantly living under the dark cloud of another man.” His honesty startles me. He’s not one to particularly withhold how he feels but he’s also not one to lay them out so openly without me having to ask first.
“I hear you,” I whisper and try to smile. “I love you. It’ll be okay.”
“Can you promise that?”
“I can’t promise that any more than you can.”
We kiss, his soft lips against mine and I relax into it for a moment. He’s such a wonderful kisser. He always was.
I remember our first kiss. Our first date. The first time we slept together. I remember when we met. He was a character witness for another trial that was going on at the same time as mine. I had thought what with him being a cop he’d immediately hate me but he said my honesty was compelling.
I didn’t deny my part in the events that transpired so many years ago. My brother and I were guilty.
Niall sat with me and had coffee while we waited and just made me feel better about the whole process.
My hearing never happened because my brother took a plea deal, bargaining for my freedom in return for information he had on what happened. We were lucky the guy we swindled turned out to be a crook himself or there’d have been no plea deal. My brother got the maximum sentence for the fraud we committed and I got a strike on my permanent record and six months’ probation.
I started dating Niall as soon as that probationary period ended and we’ve been together ever since. I fell in love with him the moment he crouched down to tie my shoe in the middle of the street and fake proposed to me with a bloody Haribo ring to make light of what he’d subconsciously done.
It was his automatic response to my shoelace that had him opening up about his sick grandmother and how he took care of her until the very end. Doing everything for her until she took her last breath only a few months before we met.
I knew then he was a keeper.
Especially when I said no to his proposal and he ate the Haribo ring while fake sobbing.
The words, “I love you,” slipped so easily from my tongue later that night and I meant them with my whole heart.
I never thought I’d stop feeling for him the way I did but now that love just feels poisoned by the events and I wonder if he feels it too. Well I guess his admission means he’s definitely feeling it on some wavelength.
“I want to stop seeing my therapist.”
“We’ve talked about this.”
I nod because we have, ever since it was demanded of me to go to one. Not only that but my therapist thinks I should take a break from Niall, to see how I really feel about things. It’s confusing me. Though he didn’t say it outright, he certainly evinced to it. “I know but…”
“Can we just enjoy today and talk about this tomorrow?”
“Of course!” I kiss him again. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“One step at a time,” he breathes against my lips and then nuzzles my neck. “You smell so good. Like almonds, or vanilla… something warm and sweet.”
“It’s honey and almond lotion,” I reply, rolling my hands down his arms as he tastes my neck with his tongue.
He makes a funny noise and cringes. “Doesn’t taste like honey and almonds.”
Laughing, I shove him away and watch him readjust his tie in the mirror with the first genuine smile I’ve seen from him in weeks. It really shows just how forced all of his others were and that is heart-breaking. I’ve been putting too much pressure on him to keep normality and really that’s selfish. He’s no more to blame than I am for everything that’s transpired.
“You know that I don’t blame you, right?” I breathe before he leaves the room, ready for a long day of work. He stops in the doorway, his hand on the glossy white frame. “I don’t blame you for any of it, not even a little bit.”
He looks at me over his shoulder and smiles sadly. “I know you don’t but I can’t stop blaming myself.”
Fuck. That stings.
I watch him go and look at myself in the mirror. Staring into my own reflection, the dark rings under my eyes from stress and exhaustion, the lack of colour in my irises, once a vibrant blue now a dull grey. My cheeks aren’t pink with colour like they were on the ship, kissed by the sun. They’re creamy and as dull as my eyes. I cast them down, unable to look at myself any longer.
We’ll talk soon, both of us, clear the air and make way for a brighter future together. That’s if he wants one after everything he’s about to hear.
I finish after a long d
ay in the office, clocking people’s timesheets and ensuring they get the correct pay. It’s not a hard job, it’s just repetitive. It almost makes me long for those free days on the ocean where I could flit from job to job, learning new skills at a pace that suited me.
I push that from my mind and head home to get ready for my date. Niall texted me letting me know he’d be an hour which gives me just enough time.
I don my favourite black, form-fitting dress and roll my hand over my slight bump. I’m getting more used to it now. I’m seventeen weeks as of tomorrow and the prospect of being a mother doesn’t terrify me like it probably should.
After applying some light makeup, perfect wings of eyeliner, and a few plucks of my brows, I head downstairs as the front door opens.
“Niall,” I greet with a beaming grin and he returns it despite his exhaustion. “Are we still going?”
With how tired he looks I wouldn’t hate him if he said no but to his credit he swoops in for a kiss and murmurs, “Let me change.”
I wait for him for around forty-five minutes, sitting on the bed watching him dry his body after a quick shower, and watching as he dons his clothes. He’s so handsome. His body is so smooth and tanned, his butt so perfectly round. I love gripping it like a fleshy handle as he powers into me, driving between my thighs, manipulating my body in ways he knows drive me wild.
We’re ready to go, the sky is starting to get darker but not so dark that it’s too late to do anything. The days are getting longer now that summer is near.
I undo the few buttons of my light blue cardigan as I pass him in the doorway and he kisses my cheekbone as we go.
“To date night,” I cry, my hand in the air like a superhero would.
“To date night,” he confirms, cupping my rear with one hand and squeezing.
I giggle and race ahead.
My phone rings like a siren of guilty promises in the silence. My exhaustion untangles with the arms wrapped around me.
“It is as I said,” my brother says, disturbing my slumber and jolting me to a more alert state.
