by A. E. Murphy
“Yet,” I snap, reaching for the hem of his shirt when I notice him wince and tighten his arm that bands around him. He stops my hand with his and ducks his head to meet my eyes.
I can’t look at him. It hurts to look at him. I’ve never seen him weak and I don’t like it.
“I’m okay, Rain,” he whispers. Raising his hand to catch the tear sliding down my cheek. “I’ll be okay.”
“What were you thinking? Beating on the guards like that?”
“I wasn’t thinking,” he replies and coughs into his fist, crying out when the force of it hurts his body. “I don’t think when it comes to you.”
“Co-dependency,” Ian singsongs but shuts up when I glare at him over my shoulder.
“I’m going to get you help…”
“I don’t need help, I need my freedom,” Calder replies, shifting again as I kneel before him. He looks at Ian. “Can you leave us?”
“I cannot, she can only stay while I stay.”
Calder nods and reaches for me, touching my cheek in the same way I just caressed his. “It is good to see you without that look of hatred in your eyes.”
“You’ve suffered enough without my ire to jab you,” I reply, turning into his hand.
“You look good, Rain,” he whispers, scanning me up and down slowly. “Different somehow. Frightened perhaps. Nervous definitely.”
My lips part and I pull back slightly but his hand locks me in place. “I don’t know how to help you, Captain. Tell me who to call, what to do…”
“Kiss me and I will,” he replies, his uninjured eye alight with that mischievous gaze I know and adore. “Kiss me and I’ll tell you anything.”
“Captain…”
“I might die,” he threatens though his lips are still smiling and his eye is sparkling even more than before. “And you might never get the chance again.”
I place my hands on the arms of his chair and hoist myself to standing. “I’m not kissing you, Captain.” As tempting as it is.
“You want to.”
“Don’t.”
“Do.”
I narrow my eyes and he stands unsteadily, now towering over me. “Do not.”
“So why are you looking at my lips?”
“If you weren’t so injured already I’d hit you.”
“Kiss me and I’ll tell you a spot that’s not hurting already.”
“Really?” Ian sighs. “I was forced here for this shit?”
I straighten and step back, ignoring the flicker of disappointment in Calder’s dimming eyes. “We should leave. I’ve done what I can, Captain. I’m out of ideas now.”
“You’re too smart to have no ideas, Rain,” he replies, raising his brow at me, the one that isn’t a swollen mess. His blood looks ready to burst from under his skin it’s so shiny and tight. I’ll never get this visual out of my head.
My eyes blur with tears as I reach up and caress his soft, fuzzy head. “Your curls…”
“Just hair, Rain, I’m still me.” He strokes my side with the tips of my fingers. “When I’m free, I’ll come for you again.”
“And if I refuse to leave with you?”
He brings my hand to his lips. “If you wanted to stay without me, you’d have said when, not if.”
My breath catches and seconds later, as I lose myself in Calder’s determined eyes as I so often do, Ian’s hand wraps around my bicep.
“Let’s go, Ms Hyde.”
“Take your fucking hand off her or lose it,” Calder warns, and Ian’s hand leaves me immediately.
“It’s fine,” I quickly interject, looking at the man who ensnared me beyond my will. “He meant no harm.”
I follow Ian to the door, twisting my hands before me.
“Rain?”
“Yes, Calder?”
“Do you still love me?”
I stop in the doorway and search his green eyes, or what I can see of them. That vulnerability that he only ever shows to me shines from each and I find it impossible to lie.
So instead, from the bottom of my depraved soul and directly to his longing eyes, I respond, “You’re everything.”
“Time to go,” Ian mutters as the door is pushed open.
“Stay alive, Captain.”
It’s not until we’re outside that Ian stammers a step and asks, “Can I offer you a ride home?”
I accept graciously, feeling a weight lifted that I won’t have to travel so far alone while feeling so emotional.
Something smells so good, I can’t help but follow my nose down the stairs and into the dining room. Mum has set the table and in the centre are two ceramic dishes full of what looks to be curry. The table is set for three.
I look around and also listen but hear nobody.
She’s been acting odd all day. Who could she be inviting?
It feels a bit too early to be having curry. It’s only eleven forty.
“Mum?” I call and as if the devil himself spawned her with a click of his fingers, she appears with a plate full of naan bread and a ceramic bowl full of rice. My mum is all for her fancy presentation and loves to get the fine dishes out for when company comes. “Loving the setup, but what’s the occasion?”
She hums, ignoring my question and I know with one hundred percent certainty that she is up to something.
But what?
“Mum,” I repeat, my tone warning.
“Your hair looks so unpresentable,” she mumbles as she fluffs up my dark waves, soon after placing the dishes on the table with my help.
“I look just fine,” I grumble, batting away her hands. “Now… tell me… who’s joining us for lunch? That’s assuming I’m invited to this fancy-schmants curry do?”
“Of course you’re invited, silly.”
Again she fails to answer my question and it is so infuriating. “Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm.”
“Don’t, Rain, you know I dislike it when you do that.”
Before I can shake an answer out of her there’s a knock on the door.
She smooths her hands down her apron and announces with glee, “Right on time, as always.”
“Who is?” I follow her into the hall, eager to see the guest and why we’re so happy to see them.
“Oh you didn’t,” I mutter when Niall greets her with a smile but then greets me with a look as shocked as mine. “Muuuuuuum.” The drawn-out word is hissed through the corner of my mouth this time.
“Niall! It’s so good to see you.”
She says this like she didn’t know he was coming.
He looks at me and we both cringe. A pang of guilt hits me. This is so hard. Too hard. His handsome face is set with such an uncomfortable smile.
“I just came to bring the pram,” he explains to me, tucking his hands into his pockets. “I didn’t think you’d be here.”
“It’s okay,” I lie. “It’s good to see you.” Double lie. “How have you been?”
“Okay, I guess.” He scratches the scruff of his beard. A sight that used to make me bite my lip as I fought for control. He turns and spins the grey pram so as to push it through the open door. “I put it together, it works great but any issues just let me know.”
We share a look, his nostalgic, mine one of tremendous shame. “Thank you, Niall.”
Seeing the pram in person makes me want the baby now. All cute and pink little cheeks, chubby little legs and flailing arms.
“Come on through, I made lunch,” Mum declares, taking Niall’s arm who looks to me for help.
“I shouldn’t, Marnie, but thank you.”
“Nonsense, I already got you a plate ready.”
“Mum,” I caution as she drags him further into the house, giving him no chance to say no. “He might already have plans.”
“I don’t.” Niall steps towards me. “I’ll stay, as long as you’re okay with it?”
How can I say no to that?
“Of course you can stay, Niall, you’re always welcome,” I reply softly.
“Then it’s
settled,” Mum announces, smiling like the cat that got the cream. It only just covers up Niall’s muttered words, “I’m not though, am I? Not really?”
As she leads him into the dining room I touch the handle of the pram, gripping it with my fingers to feel its softness. I push it backwards and forwards, testing the smooth glide of the wheels, two of which swivel for easy turning. It’s exactly the pram I wanted and seeing it makes me happy, yet my future feels even less certain than before.
If Calder gets out early and seeks me out, he’ll see I’m pregnant and see I lied to him. What if he takes my baby as revenge? What if he takes me again?
“What’s wrong?” Niall asks, I feel his heat against my back the closer he gets. “You look lost, Rain.”
“I’m terrified.”
“Of becoming a mother? You’ll be amazing.”
“No.” I shake my head and allow his comforting arm to pull my body into his.
“What then?” he whispers, and his warm breath tickles my ear.
“I feel constantly on edge and on guard. Like any moment my world is going to collapse. How do I cope with this? How do I get through each day feeling this way? It’s torture.”
“I know, baby. I wish I could reassure you.” His arm tightens around my waist. “Come home. Let me protect you. We’ll move away…”
“Lunch is getting cold,” Mum calls, not knowing about our intimate moment. A moment I was hoping to avoid ever since I ran from him a week ago.
“I can’t, Niall.”
“Why?”
“You deserve better.”
“You are better than I deserve.” He turns me in his arms. “Why can’t you see that?”
My lower lip trembles so I wet it with my tongue. He glances at it and I know what he wants but I also know I can’t give it to him.
“Let’s eat.” I move out of reach before he can stop me, leaving him dejected in the hallway, with the pram that will be for the baby that will never be his. A baby that might never be mine.
We sit and serve the food resting in fancy dishes. It’s awkward, tense, but it’s also nice being around him again. Outside of River and my friends who I abandoned, Niall is all I really know. He’s the only other person I could ever rely on and I know that I’m likely crazy for giving that up.
“The food is lovely, Marnie.” Niall, lovely and polite as ever.
“As is your company. I’m so glad you could join us.”
“Me too, how lucky that you had a third place all set up.” His raised brows and smirking lips have me snorting into my drink.
My mother flippantly waves a hand at him, her eyes round with innocence but her devious little brain is working on the next round of awkward greetings.
As I’m dipping my naan into the curry sauce my phone rings. Normally I’d ignore it but looking at the screen brings my eyes to a text message that shouts the word “EMERGENCY!”
Caps lock and everything.
“Excuse me,” I murmur, standing quickly and exiting the room with my phone to my ear. “Hello?”
“Rain.” His voice. My name. Just one word.
I panic and flood all at the same time. “Captain.”
“You haven’t forgotten my voice.”
I look behind me, checking the empty hall for any sign of him. “Now’s not a good time.”
“I want to see you again.”
Sneaking into the kitchen, I keep my eyes on the door as I whisper, “That’s not possible.”
“But you want it to be?”
“You’re making friends with River? You must be if he’s letting you use his phone.”
He chuckles deep, throaty. It’s sexy. It calls to my soul and all of the dark, sordid, secret holes I keep trying to bury him in. Literally and figuratively. “You don’t approve?”
“I don’t know how I feel about anything right now.” I pace to the hallway and back, I can hear Mum and Niall talking about work, I can see the pram by the door, resting slightly against the long beige curtains that cover the window by the door. “I’m terrified, Calder.”
“Of me?”
“Yes…” I smile to myself and rest my hand against my stomach. “No.” I laugh once, quietly, breathily. “Both, I guess.”
“Talk to me.”
“I don’t know that I can. I don’t know where we stand.”
His breath hitches, I hear it and my heart gives a jolt in response. “That means you’re considering an us?”
Niall’s laugh comes loudly from the other room. I almost hang up the phone but I need to say goodbye first. “Calder… you’re going to be in there for a really long time and if you fail doing what you and my brother are planning, you’ll be somewhere else behind bars for an even longer time.”
“I love it when you call me Calder.”
I growl but my smile won’t dissipate. “Captain…”
“Love it when you call me that too.”
“I have to go.”
“Visit me.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why?”
“I… it’s complicated. I have to go.”
“Because of the pig?”
My lips thin to a white line, my earlier fuzzy feelings are vanishing in the place of a building rage. “Don’t call him that.”
He lets out a long breath but otherwise says nothing.
“Bye, Captain.”
“Bye, Rain.”
I return to the room and receive smiles from both. Loving smiles I know I’m unworthy of.
Then I see Niall out and turn my head when he leans in for that kiss his eyes promised me of earlier.
“You’re not coming back to me, are you, Rain?”
When I shake my head, his eyes close on me, hiding his soul away forever. I just broke his heart all over again.
“Mum,” I snap the second the door closes behind him. “Do not invite Niall over like that again.”
Her hand goes to her chest. “I just wanted to help you move on. You’re pregnant. Your child deserves a happy home. Both Mum and Dad.”
“You mean like River and I had?”
Her lips part. “That’s unfair. You don’t know anything about that.”
“Because you never told us.” I rub my face with my hands, cursing when I remember my eyeliner which is now smudged along my palm. “People in glass houses, Mum.”
“What happened? Did he hurt you?”
“Niall would never hurt me.”
Her eyes narrow. “Did he cheat on you?”
“Mum,” I whine, moving to the pram.
“Then why aren’t you together anymore? Not even for the baby? You won’t even try?”
“What about me and River? Was it right for us? Bringing two babies into a world without a daddy?”
Her eyes swim with tears, glistening like crystals of mourning that balance precariously on her lower lids. “I think we’re done with this conversation.”
“Nothing new there.” I walk away, it’s the best thing for us both right now.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you again,” Adan, my therapist, says after I place my cup of tea on a shiny silver coaster.
“Are you guilting me?”
“Not at all, I’m interested in what changed your mind.” He leans back as I bounce on one of those inflatable gym balls. His room really has it all.
“I don’t know. I guess I’m just a little lost?”
“Why do you think that?”
I tap my fingers on the ball and stare at his certificates on the wall. He’ll know what to do. Right?
“I’m supposed to be at my twenty-week scan in fifteen minutes.”
He stares at me blankly for a moment. “And you’ve chosen to come here instead because?”
“Mum’s mad at me. Niall’s not mine anymore and Calder lost all of his hair.”
Before I can stop it, the flood gates open and I start sobbing into my hands. I can’t control myself and he can do little more than watch and hand me tissues.
I al
most feel bad for the guy.
Especially when he accompanies me to the appointment because I didn’t want to go alone.
I doubt I’ll ever go back to therapy again.
Also, I’m having a boy.
I picked up a little pair of tiny blue booties on the way home which are now sitting on the top of my chest of drawers in my room.
My eyes are drawn to them and what will fill them in just twenty more weeks and one day if my due date is correct.
“I can’t wait to meet you,” I whisper to my growing bump.
I wonder if he’ll love me? Despite the fact I’ve given him a father who will likely spend his entire existence in prison.
I don’t know what to do but what I do know is this can’t continue. This life, my choices, my moping. I need to be new, not just for the baby but for my own mental health too.
That wasn’t meant to rhyme but I might take up a poetry class while I’m at it. Clearly I’m a natural.
Do those exist?
“MUUUUM?”
“Rain, you are not a teenager anymore! You do not have to whine my name like that.”
“Sorry,” I yell back, giggling and feeling happier than I did this morning. “Do you want to do a poetry class with me?”
“Not really, love, no.”
“Oh.” I roll my eyes while still laughing. “Okay.”
“Breathe in, breathe out…” I listen intently, and do as I’m told, mimicking the women around me who are in pairs, back to back due to us all being single mothers with bumps so we can’t do the whole back to chest thing.
I never thought there would be groups like this and I’m so glad there are. I feel a little less lonely in this existence and over the past six weeks I have really flourished in my fight for independence.
I’m working hard at work, taking classes in my free time and looking at houses and flats on the other side of the country.
So in essence, I’m preparing to be a hermit.
I’ve been avoiding my brother. I haven’t visited since before that call from Captain. Some might say I’m being childish, but I feel like I’m being strong. I’m ridding myself of everybody who has the ability to disrupt the peaceful life I’m building for my child.
