4. Time apart is very healthy for both of you.
5. Seek to honor God in all aspects of your relationship.
Remember, by faithfully following these guidelines, you not only honor God today, but show proper respect for your future wife and Jacy’s future husband, whoever they might be.
Please feel free to talk to me at any time - day or night - if you have any questions about what we’ve discussed today.
Sincerely,
In addition to protecting your daughter from potential boyfriends wolves, it’s extremely important to cultivate and enable her friendship with other girls committed to living a biblical lifestyle. When a young woman (or man, for that matter) is standing in opposition to an entire culture, even a single friend standing alongside can add incredible reserves of resolve. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”[162]
Spend time, effort, and energy teaching your daughters what to look for in a man. They know nothing of men. Help them. Make sure that in choosing marriage, she’s selecting a husband for life. It’s easy to follow a good man, torture to follow a fool. This is no inconsequential choice.
You also must be honest with her that men are initially attracted to physical feminine beauty above all. Some women are naturally more attractive than others. Help her do an honest assessment regarding her looks and encourage her to look her very best. There are good men at every level of physical attractiveness, and women are no different. If a girl is born homely, there is no need for shame, just as there is no reason for conceit in the attractive girl, since none of us had any role in our basic looks. However, I’ve seen numerous girls who weren’t presenting themselves at anywhere near their potential. If your daughter is overweight, encourage her to slim down. In today’s overweight world, a young woman of proper proportion stands out from the crowd. If she doesn’t understand the relationship between nutrition, diet, exercise and weight, by all means help her. Encourage her to wear her hair long. This is not complicated from a physical perspective: God wired men to be extremely attracted to long locks, feminine faces and curves, then made women curvy from every possible angle of observation. A slender woman has no straight lines! Think about that for a moment: feminine faces curve, buttocks curve, legs curve, breasts curve, the sides of her torso curve, her hair often curls, even her neck often curves, plus, as an added bonus, she’s soft to the touch. A shapely woman simply radiates in a man’s eyes, drawing his attention. Do you think it an accident that sports cars are designed with curves, that men enjoy driving fast on curvy roads, and that even female cartoon characters are drawn with exaggerated curves? It is how men are wired. Ladies, let me give you straight talk too: Excess weight greatly reduces your attractiveness. So do eating disorders that make women too thin, so don’t go overboard; however, as in most things, a balance must be struck, but most women today need to lose weight.
The virtuous woman should never make the mistake of flaunting her curves. She doesn’t need to! It’s quite possible to radiate beauty while also being modest, as immodesty sends all the wrong signals: “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.”[163] You should seek to strike the balance of being attractive without instigating sexual arousal in a man. In today’s world, men already have enough sexual temptation to navigate without you adding to their burden.
As a corollary lesson for the young men: You will occasionally run across a woman who’s naturally attractive but not disposed to makeup and some of the finer points that most women use to stand out. I went to high school with just such a woman: Smart, sweet, pretty, a lovely figure, and a cheerleader. But for some reason all the boys of the high school saw her as their sister, not as girlfriend material, so she did not date anyone to my knowledge and was notably absent at the various dances. I lost track of her shortly after graduation and next saw her at my ten year reunion. She was simply lovely, appeared to have had married extremely well, and was living a very high profile life. How could all the young men have missed her potential? I do not know, but I make this observation: Should you encounter such a woman, she will more likely be a virgin and will genuinely appreciate the attentions of a good man. I am sure my former classmate is a superb wife and mother.
To help Jacy choose wisely, I wrote her what turned out to be a very long letter, considering each and every word, and presented it to her just past her 19th birthday. We studied it together. I give full permission for you to use this letter, in whole or in part, with your daughter. May your daughters enter their marriage pure of mind, heart, and body. May they each love well, marry well, and bless you with many grandchildren.
July 8, 2005
Dearest Jacy,
Outside of your decision to follow Jesus, making a good decision about whom you marry will mean more to your life and your children’s lives than any other decision you will ever make. As your father, I have been put here to help you make a good decision.
God created women and understands your need for romance, love, leadership, and protection. Pray to Him that He will provide you a God-fearing man to fulfill your needs. At the same time bear in mind that no man can satisfy all of your wants. Much as too much money or comfort drowns out God’s voice, so too would the perfect husband. God declared it so; otherwise, we might forget about our dependence upon Him. Still, God holds marriage up as the model for the relationship He desires with His church, as He outlines in Ephesians, Chapter 5, and that is a good and healthy model, one worth emulating.
Marriage can be a source of great joy but never think for a moment that marriage is a perfect fairy tale. God stated in Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Marriage and children are perhaps the ultimate sharpening tools in God’s hand, helping us to become more like Jesus; however, sharpening and honing requires friction and is not always, or even usually, a pleasant process. Deep and restful sleep is but a dream for a new mother!
Your first and foremost task in marrying a good man is becoming and remaining a woman worth marrying: following Jesus with all your heart, remaining pure, and keeping yourself naturally attractive. One of my goals was to get you through the teen years without a list of regrets a mile long. That doesn’t mean that you can’t or haven’t made decisions that you’d like to change; no one but Jesus himself could make that claim. But, rather, I’ve hoped and prayed that you would traverse that potentially tumultuous period without harming your ability to live the balance of your life as God would have you to live it. In that regard, I commend you. God has blessed you for your faithfulness and will continue to do so. In fact, your very actions and decisions have surely encouraged His blessings.
How do you best live in a state of singleness? You should seek to live a joy-filled single life each and every day, casting aside your anxiety by handing it to the Lord. As your friends marry you may begin to sense that you’re somehow falling behind, missing out. This simply isn’t so; though there is little reason to wait once you’ve found the right man there should be no race to marry. In fact, some He has called to a life of singleness, either for a time or for a lifetime, a state where your life can be completely dedicated to His purposes and His preparation. Whether or not singleness is God’s long-term plan for you, it’s imperative that you seek to remain joyful in your singleness, remembering that God is the ultimate husband. A desperate woman (or man) makes poor marital decisions and then lives a life of misery, filled with regret. At the same time, keep in mind that many a woman has passed up a very good man in wait for the perfect only to find herself never married though it was her complete desire. Do your best to maintain continual faith in Him regardless of your current circumstances.
Now let’s unpack this and get very practical. To be wed to a virtuous man, you must first meet him so use your creativity. Work to be slim and attractive while remaining modest, for God wired men to be very attuned to f
eminine beauty. Good men want to marry a virtuous woman.
Pray for your future husband every day of your life; you might consider the following:
1) You don’t know the identity of your future husband but I believe God does. Pray that he will honor God in his singleness; pray that he’ll be protected from pornography; pray that God will prepare his heart and mind for you and your children; pray that God will instill in him a love for God and God’s people. Pray that God will reveal a life-long, clear-cut purpose in life for your husband, for purposeless men are easy targets for Satan.
2) Pray that God will bring you together and, if it’s the Lord’s will, give him, you, and both families conviction that marriage is a good and proper course. Pray for help in establishing a firm foundation in His will and for His blessing on your future union.
3) Should you encounter a possible husband, pray for clear and honest eyes. During your courtship, pray that God will protect you both from intimacy before marriage. I can provide you all manner of studies and statistics if you desire, but trust it’s God’s plan and know that it’s critically important to establishing a marriage on a firm foundation. It takes a firm decision and unwavering commitment to enter a marriage chaste, but the life-long rewards of doing so are worth all of the effort and all of the sacrifice. Trust is always strongest when it’s never been broken. Know that the whirlwind of passion impairs one’s good judgment, so be ever diligent.
Now to analyze the man: God always provides tools to discern, two of the most important being His Word and direction from the Holy Spirit. When examining a man as a potential husband, I think Paul’s requirements for a church leader are a most excellent place to start, for the following passage describes a man whom God would entrust with His church, His flock. A man worthy of such great trust would certainly be a man eligible for marriage. In 1 Timothy, Chapter 3, Paul states the following:
“Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task. Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.”
Let’s explore these characteristics:
1) Above reproach - Reproach means to bring into discredit. A man who is above reproach cannot be discredited. He is what he is and he is authentic, the same at home, at work, or on a Friday night away from home. He has nothing to hide, even under close scrutiny. In short, he is full of character. This phrase is all-encompassing; a man possessing all of the other characteristics mentioned in this passage will, by definition, be above reproach. To be “above reproach” allows one to live without fear of anything or anyone and is engendered by a healthy fear and awe of God. This is the only passage in the entire Bible that uses this phrase.
2) Husband of but one wife - I believe this means more than the obvious. In my mind I see this as a man dedicated to his wife beyond his own personal wants and desires, even his own life. He will treasure his wife as a gift from God. Such a man is kind and courteous to all but will never allow courtesy to be misinterpreted for more. If another woman shows an interest in him, he will either leave or will respond by talking about the love and devotion he has for his wife. He will never denigrate his wife. If you find such a man, cherish him and take care that you don’t unintentionally take advantage of his love and devotion.
3) Temperate - God is balanced; He has things under control. Likewise a temperate man is of an even keel, not given to excesses. He is steady, not erratic. He is the anchor in the midst of the tempest.
4) Self-controlled - He is slow to anger and doesn’t lose his self-control even when angry. When others are losing their head, he is still thinking rationally.
5) Respectable - Such a man does what is good in God’s eyes and is worthy of respect. A respectable man sets a good example and is worthy of emulation. This should be given its due because the wife is commanded to respect her husband. Know that it is all but effortless to respect a good husband and beyond impossible to respect the unrespectable.
6) Hospitable - A hospitable man makes others feel comfortable, welcome, and valuable. He attends to other’s needs before his own. He sees people through God’s eyes and welcomes them without regard for their station in life, for a waitress is just as valuable in God’s eyes as a president or a king.
7) Able to teach - Being able to teach has two requirements: First, he must have something worth teaching; he must possess knowledge and wisdom. Second, he must be able to relate his wisdom in ways that others can understand and adopt. This doesn’t mean he has to be a dynamic public speaker or a fabulous communicator, though it’s fine and perhaps best if he is. Rather, it means that he is capable of transferring his knowledge and wisdom to others, whether they’re little children, his wife, a colleague, or a total stranger. He well remembers that he is to bring up his children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. And a good teacher is always curious, a good listener and an ardent learner.
8) Not given to drunkenness - This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t drink wine (though many Christians do abstain), but it does mean that he never drinks to excess lest he forfeit his self-control.
9) Not violent but gentle - You may have seen men spoiling for a fight. Many times they are drunk with alcohol. A worthy man will never look to violence for fun or entertainment. In fact, he will use all prudent means to avoid violence; however, left without option, he will defend his family with all effort and without regard to his own safety. Still, as long as it’s possible, he will remain a gentle man in every respect, a gentleman. I like Papa’s simple statement of this philosphy, “I treat them as well as they’ll let me.”
10) Not quarrelsome - A virtuous man is a peaceful man. He gives no reason for argument. You’d have to be looking for an argument to find one and, even then, he would use his wisdom to defuse the tension and restore peace.
11) Not a lover of money - Money is simply a marker for earthly resources. If I have a hundred dollar bill, that gives me the right to deploy a hundred dollars’ worth of resources in any manner I see fit. Controlling significant resources gives one the ability to help build God’s Kingdom; however, if one lacks wisdom money can become the worst of traps. Proverbs states that, “The blessing of the LORD brings wealth and he adds no trouble to it.” P.T. Barnum has an interesting take, “Money is in some respects life’s fire: It is a very excellent servant, but a terrible master.” Possessing resources can be a blessing, but we can never let resources replace our dependence upon God Almighty. The way a man spends his resources (his time and money) reveals much about the man. You should look for a man who is prudent yet generous with his resources.
Looking beyond this great passage, it’s an observable fact that women prefer strong men and, were I a woman, I would happily pray for a strong, determined husband with good leadership skills, a man who leads men. What sane woman would desire to marry a weak man, though I suppose the weak need wives as well. But I must hasten to add this caution: Women are so naturally drawn to strength that it often clouds their judgment as to character. You, being a woman, are naturally so disposed; therefore, in this matter, in addition to praying for eyes to see, it’s imperative that you also seek counsel of learned and trusted men who know your prospective husband. Though both are good, strength without character makes a horrible husband.
No man is perfect but, much as a fine wine improves with time in proper storage, so a good man improves himself with age and experience; therefore, provide your future husband the great courtesy of taking into account his youth and inexperience. Even a young man of utmost character still has much to learn and many mistakes to make before he’s honed into God’s final form.
I hope this helps Jacy. You are a wonderful daughter and bless me greatly. I am very proud to be your father. I encourage you to stay close to God and b
e worthy of the man God described through Paul. When God brings him to you, you will be greatly blessed, as will he, as will your children and your descendants for generations, should the Lord tarry. And God will be most pleased and will bless your union. Still, it is my hope that it’ll be years before this man enters your life, but prepare now. May God bless you and keep you my beloved daughter.
Love,
Daddy
Here it’s appropriate to pause for a paragraph and speak specifically to the single Christian woman who is past her peak SMV, desires to be married with her whole heart, but it just hasn’t happened, thousands of seemingly unanswered prayers eroding her faith. Though there are other categories, I am speaking specifically to the woman who’s lived a virtuous life but Mr. Good Enough has never arrived or has never been willing to commit. Or maybe you set aside Mr. Good Enough in order to seek Mr. Better, but he never came. It matters not. My dear lady, continue living a joy-filled single life. God truly uses those refined by suffering, and living life with unfulfilled dreams is a form of genuine suffering. At the same time, there are many good men who have found themselves thrown into the divorce court’s maw, men whose dream of having a faithful wife was destroyed by the woman herself. Some will be damaged goods but many will recover and be capable of being a fine husband. But know this: He will likely be loaded with external baggage and court orders that will divert significant resources to his deserter, especially those men with young children. This baggage cannot be overemphasized and will cause you pain and at least some discord. Even knowing this, I would prayerfully consider such a man if it’s in your heart. Both he and his children would benefit greatly from having a good and godly woman in their lives. Your sister’s silly and short-sighted hypergamy may ultimately redound to your great benefit. A used car can still be an excellent car.
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