“It’s okay. I already know the answer to my own question.”
“Listen, I have to go but I had to tell you my news, and I wanted to hear how you are doing. Winter, please take care of yourself. I will call you in a few days. We will have a long talk then, okay?”
“Sure. You have a great time with Chandler, and I am happy for you.”
With a smile upon my face, I made my way into the kitchen, truly happy for Melissa. While Chandler was a giant pain in the butt, I believed Melissa and Chandler would be good for each other. Thinking how nice it was to hear Melissa so upbeat, I tugged out my toaster from the corner to heat an english muffin. The word ravenous explains my appetite of late, so I made and ate two. By the time I glanced up to see the time flashing on my microwave, it was too late to make a cup of tea. My morning was slipping away. I needed to get a move on since I had an appointment.
I rushed into the bathroom and brushed my teeth with speed, vigor as well as force. Either I pressed too hard, or I needed to buy a softer bristled toothbrush. I glanced at my face in the mirror. Too pale. I pinched my cheeks in an attempt to add some color then I gave up, added some powder, a little blush, a dab of lip-gloss and some mascara. On my way to the door, I grabbed my purse along with my keys, twisted my hair up with a clip off my neck, and headed out.
Ackerly and Philomena were in the small front yard of their flat, weeding their flower garden. Philomena did a finger waggling wave in my direction as I made my way down the sidewalk.
“Off to the doctor?” Ackerly asked.
“Yep, I have an ultrasound today. The doctor is going to take a peek at the baby,” I replied.
“Wonderful!” Philomena exclaimed with a bright smile. “Your first peek.”
“And look, Winter,” Ackerly said. He pointed up toward the sky. “The sun is shining today.” I smiled.
Today I turned thirty-nine. I glanced at the big calendar that hung on the wall of the doctor’s office. Friday, June twenty-seventh popped out at me in dark black ominous numbers. The only thing that gave me solace was the fact Jewel, Claudia, and Bean would be coming to visit me in a couple of weeks. I couldn’t wait to see them. They would be surprised to find me with a belly, and more than likely have a lot of questions. I wasn’t sure how I would answer them, but I’d deal with that later.
My cell phone pinged at me. I flipped it open to see a text from Q.
Happy Birthday, sugar plum!
The words switched over to a slide show of naked muscle men, wearing some well-placed party hats. The background music was “It’s Raining Men.” I had to laugh, leave it to Q.
“Good morning, Winter. Let’s take a look at that baby, shall we?” the doctor said as he approached. I tucked my cell phone into my bag.
“Good morning, doctor,” I replied.
Before I could blink, he pulled up my gown and applied the clear jelly-like substance to my small protruding belly.
“So how have you been feeling, any further morning sickness?” the doctor inquired.
I felt the strange sensation as he rolled the wand over my tummy, plowing its way through the jelly on my skin. “I’ve been feeling pretty good actually. I haven’t been sick in a while now.” I heard the beating of the baby’s heart ring out over the speaker. It was clear and strong. It made me cry. I cried for joy at hearing it then I cried with sadness because Cayden could not hear it.
Doctor McConnell asked, “Would you like to know the sex of the baby?”
“No. I want to be surprised,” I replied.
He gave me his sideways smile and handed me a tissue for my tears.
“We have a strong steady heartbeat. Here, take a look at the screen,” he said.
I adjusted myself to look at the monitor. Wonderment of this moment washed over me as I observed our baby, Cayden and my baby, move its little arms and legs. The shape of its tiny head became evident. The baby moved its small hand toward its face and mouth. I saw a tiny nose.
“Amazing.” I breathed.
“Everything is looking good,” the doctor said.
I stepped out of the doctor’s office onto the sidewalks of London, still reeling at the sound of my baby’s heart, remembering the little arms and legs as they stirred on the screen. I loved the baby I was carrying, but to see it, watch it move inside of me, filled me with an overwhelming sense of love that stunned me for a moment. Nothing in the world, not time or separation or circumstance would ever change how I felt. This baby would always be connected to me, be mine, be Cayden’s and we three would always be. Cayden was still with me. He was a part of me in a way that was magical, so I would cling to this.
I glanced up as a bright red double-decker bus passed down the busy city streets, followed by some taxicabs along with other small compact cars. The city buzzed, horns honked, feet clicked upon the pavement. I closed my eyes. I stood quietly listening to the sounds and gathering the feel of the city. London was amazing. I felt someone brush past then heard, “Excuse me, Ms.” I opened my eyes to see crowds of people pass me. They were all heading in differing directions. All of them headed for their own lives, loves, their own dreams I imagined.
I turned in time to see a tall well-built man, who caught my attention for one moment. His build similar to Cayden’s. He was wearing faded jeans with an old gray T-shirt sporting the Ramones printed across the front. I watched him walk hand-in-hand with his girlfriend or perhaps his wife. They were happy, smiling while they fed each other ice cream from the same cone. Cayden and I were never free like that. Never able to walk down the sidewalks together. Unable to enjoy a beautiful day in the city with each other, out in the open.
I placed my hand to my stomach, assuring myself today would be a good day. The appointment had gone well. The baby was fine plus everything with the pregnancy seemed to be coming along as it should.
“Don’t worry, my baby. Today will be a great day,” I assured, patting the belly that belonged to me.
I took my time and strolled leisurely, enjoying the day and partook in some window shopping before stopping at a small café to sit and rest with an orange juice, along with a newspaper. I read about Cayden’s movie, Eternally Yours, the movie I helped write. It will be released in the theaters in London on October twentieth. I smiled with the knowledge. How strange everything in my life seemed. Flashes of sadness, greatness, pain, joy, loss, love, anxiety, peace, fear, strength filled me. With each flash, a new memory flooded me.
I thought how life is really a series of flashes. I understand how life moves fast, too fast, especially through all the special parts, the great parts, those quiet moments held tight within our lovers arms, the laughter you share with each other, the kisses, those first glances when you realize how much you love them. Our life finds the joy of friends; the love of family and the ties that stretch, sometimes break, but somehow always bind us. I realized if we are not careful, we could miss some of the necessary flashes to our lives. Maybe I was being sentimental, maybe too philosophical but to love, one must live. I owed my life to Austin Wells Carlyle and Cayden Aaron Cain. To love and to be loved in return is one of the greatest gifts life gives us. I had been doubly blessed. For just as I loved Austin, I loved Cayden. And amazingly I was deeply loved by both of them in return.
I finished my juice, experiencing the last burst of Tang brush over my tongue then gathered my things from the small table. Pausing briefly at the trash receptacle, I threw the bottle and my paper away. When I opened the door to leave the café, I giggled to myself. An old cowbell rang. The sound resembled the old bell that day long ago while eating ice cream at the Vineyard with Austin and our friends. The thought of stopping at the market for some ice cream before I headed for the Tube station on my way back to my flat skipped through my mind. Perhaps I’d buy some waffle cones? My cell phone interrupted the thought of the frosty treat as it rang. I figured it was my mother calling to wish me a happy birthday, but when I pulled it out of my pocket Zander’s number flash across the display. My hands began t
o shake. There was the distinct possibility this was Cayden and not Zander.
I closed my eyes, took a breath….
“Hello.”
“Winter.”
A sense of sadness as well as relief filled me at hearing his voice. “This is Zander,” he said.
“Zander, how are you?”
“I am fine. I felt the need to check on you.”
I laughed. “I am fine.”
“Good, good,” he said. There was a long pause.
“Zander, are you there?” I asked.
“Yes.”
Another pause. I was beginning to get worried. This silence disturbed me.
“Zander, you are staring to scare me. What’s up?”
“Well, I have some things I need to tell you.”
“Okay, shoot,” I said. I giggled because this would be something Chandler would say.
“Where are you? Are you someplace you can actually talk?” Zander asked.
“Yes. Why?”
“Well, it’s Cayden,” he said. Immediately my heart sank through my feet, hit the ground with an audible thwap and my voice shot up three octaves.
“Is he okay? What happened?”
“Yes Winter, calm down. He is perfectly fine. Well, I would be lying by saying perfectly, but he is physically fine.”
I sighed a breath of relief, but it was going to take a moment for my heart to restart.
“Winter, you need to know Dane got out of the hospital and did come after Cayden.”
“What!” I screamed.
“Winter, please calm down. I told you Cayden is fine.”
“Zander, give me a minute.”
I dropped the phone from my ear while I pulled air into my lungs. I felt like I would hyperventilate. I found a bench and sat down.
“Okay,” I said, “I’m back.”
“Winter, please calm down,” Zander instructed.
“I am calm.” I lied.
“I need you to breathe and relax.”
I took in a deep breath. “I am breathing,” I assured.
“Dane was killed.”
“Killed?” I echoed.
“Yes. He broke onto the Vancouver set while we were filming. He tried to attack Cayden; of course, you need to know he did not even come close to Cayden. He was stopped by Race and Langdon. Jayden was more than upset he wasn’t there when Race and Langdon took him down. Jayden had been sent to secure the on-location shoot. Cayden was finishing up on the closed set, so he was going to head over to the library portion of the shoot. Jayden wanted a piece of Dane, badly.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Jayden said he wanted to make Dane feel the pain for what he had done to you and for making you leave to protect Cayden.”
I never told Jayden I was leaving to protect Cayden.
“He said that?”
“Yes,” Zander replied.
“I never told Jayden about my reasons for leaving,” I admitted.
“Some of us are observant, Winter. Jayden knew why you left.”
“You said Dane was killed. How was he killed?”
“Due to the recent more specific threats to Cayden, the police were also on set. When they took over, Dane broke loose from them. He grabbed a gun he had tucked inside the leg of his pants, and he shot himself.”
My hands were shaking like a leaf. The idea of a knife or a gun being wielded at Cayden flashed across my closed eyes. “Cayden was not near, was he?”
“No, Winter.”
I felt my lungs breathe with this news.
“I am sorry to hear Dane was killed. He was a sick man. I was hoping he would get some help. But I’m beyond ecstatic to know Cayden was not hurt. You know, someone hurting him has been my greatest fear. That is the real reason I left. I had to do what I could to protect Cayden. If I was gone, out of the picture, Dane would have no reason to harm Cayden or at least that’s what I thought. I guess my leaving did not protect Cayden after all.”
“I know.” Zander’s voice became quieter. “You need to know I have told all of it to Cayden. I had to. He had been so distraught. You have no idea what your leaving did to him.”
“I think I do know,” I admitted, because I knew what it had done to me. Had been? I pondered that for a second. “Wait, you said had been distraught.”
“Yes, he is better now.”
“Better?” I questioned.
Zander sounded strange in his reply as he said, “Yes.”
“When you say you have told him all of it, what do you mean?”
Zander cleared his throat. “Ahem…I told him about our conversations in New York, your fears and your need to protect him even at the cost of your heart and his. I told him you knew he would never let you go, so you had to make it seem like you needed to go, that you knew he could not stop you from what you needed. I told him you knew he would not stop you from what you wanted. You, of course, knew if going kept you alive and protected you from his crazy world than he would allow you to go, to protect you. I told Cayden you never wanted to leave, that you would have stayed within the craziness, lived with the cameras, the paparazzi, the long hours he was away because you were strong enough to handle it.”
Zander became quiet. He must have thought I was too quiet. I was speechless.
“Winter?” he asked.
“I’m here,” I confessed.
“I told Cayden you lied about your need for a normal life. You lied about your need to leave. I told Cayden how scared you were for his safety, so when Dane made the death threats you broke your own heart to keep him safe. I told him how the possibility of losing him in that way was too much. How you would rather lose him by walking away and know he lived, rather than being selfish and watch someone go after him because of you. I told him when you said you could not fight any more you were lying. I told him you were fighting for his life. I told Cayden the truth, Winter, which is you love him. I told him you still love him, and everything you have done has been for him. Just as everything he has done has been for you.” Zander paused for a moment, his booming voice softened. “You know, Winter, Cayden broke his heart to save you, too.”
As Zander spoke, I felt my tears well up then spill over. “I know,” I replied.
“And then there is the other thing,” Zander said.
“What other thing?” I asked.
“The baby.”
My heart sink. I think I stopped blinking.
“What?”
“Winter, I know about the baby. I know you are trying to protect Cayden, and his baby.”
“How do you….” I lost my voice, stunned.
“Along with your mysterious extending flu sickness, Melissa told me about the prenatal vitamins she picked up for you from the pharmacy. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure it out.”
“Zander….” I broke down, my tears turning into sobs.
“Winter, you need to calm down. A woman in your condition does not need to get so upset.” He chuckled. “Breathe, Winter. Relax.”
I took in another deep breath in an attempt to gain better control. “I am breathing,” I said again.
I heard Zander chuckle. “Good. Now, are you calmer?” he asked.
“Yes,” I admitted. “Zander, does Melissa know everything, too?”
“Yes. She had suspected but put it together after she saw what it was she picked up for you from the pharmacy. She snuck a look. She felt bad for peeking into the bag, but she confessed to me so both of us knew the entire situation at that point.”
“But when Melissa calls me she never says anything about the baby or even acts like she knows the truth.”
“I know. Most of the time when she called you, Cayden was listening. It was at Cayden’s request. She has always felt guilty about that as well.”
“Cayden was listening?” I said, shocked. I remembered the day in the dressing room, before the premiere, when Melissa was talking to Cayden and put the phone to my ear so I could hear him, too.
�
�Yes, he had to know you were all right. I think he would have gone over the edge without those calls from Melissa. It was Cayden’s lifeline.”
I shouldn’t be surprised to hear Cayden had been checking on me the entire time.
“Winter, listen to me. Cayden is coming to see you. There is no way to stop him. He has already left from Vancouver.”
“Zander, he is still filming. He cannot do that, the contracts.”
“No. The primary filming has wrapped in Vancouver, and the studio released him from his last contract. He has no intention of signing any other contracts either.”
I sat silent for a moment.
“Winter, are you still there?”
“Yes.” I paused. “Why did the studio release him?”
“I believe after listening to you in New York and then to see what you did in order to make Cayden’s life easier touched Mackenzie’s heart. I was surprised he actually had a heart but miracles happen every day.”
“So there are no more filming obligations?”
“No. Cayden is free from those obligations.”
“Zander, when you said Cayden is coming to me, what do you mean? How does he know where I am?”
“Winter, give me some credit, will you? If I could find you in Colorado, I could find you in England,” he mused. “You are not as hard to find as you might think.”
“Zander, thank you.”
“Anytime,” Zander replied. “You know what a sucker I am for a good romance.” He laughed. “You and Cayden belong together, of this I am convinced. Now go home. I can hear the traffic.” He chuckled. “Wait for Cayden, tell him how much you love him and live the life you have always been destined to live, Winter.” Zander hung up the phone.
I sat silent for a few moments, there on my little bench as people passed me by, desperately trying to wrap my mind around this whole thing. Everyone seemed to be more aware of my life than I was even aware. It was strange to think Cayden was coming here then I worried about what I was going to say. While I only did what I did to protect Cayden, I had so much to make up for, including the fact I’d never told him about the baby. He found out in such a horrible way. Every time I made up my mind to tell Cayden, something interfered. When I heard Dane wanted to kill him over me, I made the choice to protect him, not tell him about the baby. I wondered what Cayden said, how he acted when Zander told him he was going to be a father.
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