It’s like I’m a guitar and someone just tightened my strings in a single wrench. Why is Bronwyn calling me? Only one way to find out, though. I swing my feet over the edge of the bed and grimace as I push off the mattress, because moving quickly is a beast on good days, and a fricking horror show on long days like this. But it seems inappropriate somehow to talk to her while I’m in bed, even if she wouldn’t know.
“Hello?” There’s no answer for a few seconds, just loud, pulsing music. Maybe she butt-dialed me? But if she butt-dialed me, she’s still in a place she shouldn’t be—it’s past curfew, and she shouldn’t be clubbing. Where is she? Will she hear me if I yell? Probably not. And now I’m thinking about Bronwyn’s butt, which is not okay.
I’m about to hang up and call Gail, maybe Stewart or Nguyen, see if they know anything about this, but all of a sudden, there’s Bronwyn’s voice. At least I think it’s Bronwyn.
“Coach?” It sounds like her, but her voice is a slurry croak, making my title come out more like “Coash.” Aw, shit.
“Bronwyn. Where are you? Are you okay?”
“Icing? Outside the village?”
Right, the club at the end of the block I’ve walked past a million times. I know where that is, and I know where I’m headed. I debate for a second whether to throw on different pants, but honestly, pajamas aren’t going to stick out much amongst the thousands of people milling around in track suits. Athletes and their hangers-on aren’t known for their fashion sense. So I shove my feet into my sneakers and lace them tight, my hip killing me a little for the reckless movements.
“Okay, I know where that is. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Can you tell me if you’re okay?”
There’s a gut-wrenching sob in response. “I messed up so, so bad.”
I’ve heard of second-hand embarrassment, but this is like second hand regret. It twists up my insides. I’ve seen Bronwyn upset before, but never like this. Maybe because she feels like she screwed up? People, myself included, can be awfully hard on her, but it’s only because she’s so damn good. Good player, good teammate, good leader, good girl. But no one is as hard on Bronwyn as she is on herself. While that can sometimes be useful for self-directed motivation, it can also be downright paralyzing because no one is perfect. Not even Bronwyn, and I’m not going to let her beat herself up over something that’s probably not even a big deal.
“Oh, baby. You couldn’t have done anything so bad it can’t be fixed. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Just hang tight, okay? Do you want to stay on the phone with me until I get there?”
“No. I need a—I have to—”
Then the line goes silent. Shit. And did I just call her baby? Double shit.
Bronwyn
Why did I call Coach Levenson? I should’ve called anyone other than him. Lisa, Jennie, Tara, Gail, literally anyone would have been a better choice. Coach could kick me off the team or bench me for this, and I wouldn’t even be able to argue—especially after my stunt during the Norway game. How stupid can a girl be?
It turns out very, very stupid.
And drunk. Yep, definitely drunk.
I cling to the toilet, waiting for my stomach to heave again, because there’s no way it’s not going to. All that booze I just downed is not about to sit in my stomach and make its way through my liver properly. No, it wants out, now, and I’d like it out, too. Unfortunately, it also apparently wants me to suffer. Punish me for being such a trite and predictable idiot.
Because what else is a girl supposed to do after she turns down her boyfriend’s proposal in front of the whole goddamn world? The obvious answer is to get plastered, even if she has the biggest game of her life in a few days.
Coach hadn’t sounded mad when I called him, though. If anything, he sounded worried, and he called me . . . Did he really call me baby? I think he did, but that might just be the shots talking. It would be weird if he had, but not gross. It didn’t feel gross anyway.
His reassurance means something. If he called me baby, it means he doesn’t hate me, doesn’t think I’ve screwed up irrvo—irrevocall—really bad. Just the way he said it made me feel safe. Like if everything else has gone to shit, Coach still believes in me and there’s nothing I could ever do to change that.
Which is not a way that Brody has ever made me feel. I’ve had to earn his love, and even when I’ve been the best, he’s made me feel like it wasn’t quite good enough, or if I screwed up even a little, that would be the end of it. If I’d wanted to quit hockey, we’d be over. If I hadn’t made the SIG team, we’d be over. Which, given how things worked out, is ironic. Or is it? English class has never been my specialty. Give me ice, some skates, a stick and a puck, or give me a keyboard and some code to clean up. Words, though? Makes my stomach hurt worse, but not in a way that’s going to actually get me to hurl.
People are knocking on the stall door, and I tell them to go away. When they don’t, I yell that unless they want me to puke on them instead of in the toilet they’d best just wait for the next stall to be available. That shuts them up.
After a few more miserable minutes of not, in fact, vomiting, a ripple of affront goes through the ladies’ room.
“Dude, this is not the men’s room. How drunk are you?”
“You can’t be in here! Get out, perv.”
Ew, gross. Some creeper snuck into the women’s room. But then I hear the guy’s voice.
“I’m sorry to disturb you, ladies. I’m looking for someone. Have any of you seen a girl about this tall, dark brown hair, light brown eyes, like they’re almost gold?”
It’s Coach Levenson and I want to cry with relief. He came. He came for me, even when I’m being a massive fuckup. While there are some murmurs among the crowd, I drag myself off the floor and use the wall to hold myself up long enough to unlock the stall door.
Someone must have pointed him in my direction, because when I stumble out and into someone, it’s him. Coach isn’t that tall or that big, not like Brody, but at this moment when I’m putting most of my weight on him and he’s not going anywhere but glued to the spot and holding me? He’s an anchor, steady and solid, and it makes me want to give in, bury my face in his shoulder and cry.
I also want to snuggle into him forever because he smells good, and his arms feel just right holding me tight against his chest. He rubs my back and rests his cheek against the top of my head and it feels really good.
“Okay, B. I’ve got you. It’s going to be okay.”
The tears I’m not letting fall are practically choking me, but I don’t want to cry here, not in front of all these strangers, some of whom might know who I am, especially after this evening’s spectacle. All I want to do is leave. I shift the tiniest bit and then he’s holding me at a distance of a few inches, but still very much holding me. I’m not going to stumble with his hands gripping me like that, no way.
I look up at him, probably looking about as pathetic as a drowned rat or a cat just out of the bath. “Can we get out of here?”
“I think that’s a good idea. Want me to get a cab or do you want to walk?”
“Walk. Air. Can’t—” The idea of being in a car, being jerked around in stop and go traffic because the streets around here are crammed with people—athletes who’ve finished their events, spectators—it makes me almost lose my cookies right here. Not to mention there’s always the risk of a smelly car. Nope, nope, nope.
“Okay, then let’s go.” Coach wraps an arm around my waist and leads me out of the bathroom, making sure even when I’m tripping over my own feet that I don’t fall. When we’re out of the bathroom, he asks me where my coat is and I point to the space at the bar where I’d been drinking. He props me against a high table near the door, and tells me to stay put.
Next thing I know he’s zipping me into my jacket and pulling my hat onto my head, guiding my hands into my mittens. Luckily I had enough foresight to not wear my Team USA gear out, and Coach had the same. At least we’ve got a decent shot of getting back to the
village unrecognized.
We step out into the cold, and immediately I see a clump of photographers hanging out on the corner. Paranoia says they’re looking for me, and alcohol is clouding the more logical parts of my brain. So I point them out, and nudge Coach Levenson.
“Co—”
He shakes his head and puts a soft finger against my lips. “Call me Ash, okay? If they don’t know who we are, don’t want to give them any hints.”
Ash.
I knew his name, of course—it’s on all the websites and the team documents, and on the emails he sends out to the team. Asher Levenson. But now I get to call him Ash, and even though it’s because I’ve been such an incredible fuckup, it still makes me feel warm and full inside. Like I just had a perfect snack of hot cocoa and cookies straight out of the oven.
Before I collapse into a Bronwyn puddle on the less-than-clean sidewalk, Ash has got his arm around me again, supporting me with a hand clasped at my waist. It doesn’t feel scandalous, what with my big puffy coat and his own jacket between us, but it does feel warm, like my own little traveling cocoon.
He hustles us back to the village—okay, “hustles” is maybe a strong word, given that I’m not exactly moving quickly, and might get sick if I did—and we make it through the guarded gates without so much as a stray shouted question or any flashes going off, as far as I could tell. Inside the village it’s quieter, since most people haven’t finished their events yet.
SIG athletes might be rowdy as hell once we’ve got our events out of the way, but almost to a person we’re respectful when other people still have to compete. No cranking music, no drunken revelries—which is one of the reasons why, without even thinking about it, I went outside the village to drown my sorrows. Also, I can’t stand the idea of my teammates seeing me be this pathetic. They’d lose all respect for me, and I need that respect to keep the fabric of the team intact.
Once we’ve headed toward the block of buildings where Team USA is staying, Ash squeezes my side to get my attention. “You’re in Andermatt, right? Which suite?”
All the buildings in the village are named after former SIG sites, and he’s got the right one for me. How does he know? Although I guess I shouldn’t be all that surprised. Ash seems to know a lot about all of us, and memorizing which building we’re staying in sounds like something he’d consider his duty in case of fire or something. Maybe I should be more surprised he doesn’t know exactly where my room is.
“312.”
There’s a small grunt but he doesn’t slow down and doesn’t say anything. When we’re almost at the front door of Andermatt, he points me in a different direction and I open my mouth to argue. “But it’s—”
“Going around back.” His words are clipped, and his tone makes worry flare in me. Has he given up on me? I don’t think I could bear it. Tonight’s humiliation was bad enough, but if Coach—Ash—thinks the trouble I’ve caused outweighs the good I do . . . it’s probably time for me to pack it in. But he doesn’t just open the door and nudge me inside, leaving me to crawl my way upstairs and into my bed. No, he stays with me up the stairs, checks the hall before we go into my suite. Lisa’s at the hotel with her family, but she might stay here before the Switzerland game in a few days. At least she’s not here to see this.
That’s when I feel it: that horrible lurching sensation that says my stomach has finally decided to eject its contents. Could I not have done this outside? At the bar? Anywhere but here? But I so don’t have a choice.
“Ash? I’m going to—” I clutch my stomach, and the way his eyes bug, he’s understood me. I don’t know how exactly, but he gets me to the bathroom, flips up the seat, and helps me lean over just in time to hurl. This is the worst day of my life.
Chapter Eight
Ash
Seeing my most solid player green around the gills and red around the eyes was not how I wanted to spend the night after the victory that got us into the semifinals. Yes, I blame Bronwyn some because she’s a grown woman and she should have some control over herself, but more so I blame Brody. What the everloving hell? I’d thought he was a selfish fuck and not worthy of her before, but I never wanted to be proved this right. That guy is a dick, and look at what he’s done to my girl.
No, not mine. In no way does Bronwyn Perry belong to me. Yes, she’s on my roster, and yes, she’s part of the glue that keeps this team together—if she were older, I bet she’d be a captain. But she’s her own person and I can’t claim any kind of possession of her, as much as I’d like to, even now.
I keep her dark hair out of the way as she heaves. Though it shouldn’t register at all given the circumstances, I can’t ignore how soft and silky it is and picture how it might feel to hold between my fingers. Not like this, though.
While she’s holding on but not puking anymore, I fill a cup with water and put it next to her. It’s another minute before she picks it up and drinks, her breathing having settled, which I know because I’ve got a hand between her shoulder blades. I shouldn’t be touching her. I shouldn’t be here on the floor, because it’s killing my hip. But I can’t see my way to leaving her here or to calling someone else. I can’t imagine she’d want anyone to see her like this.
Is it weird I’m flattered she called me? She could’ve called anyone, and she called me. Maybe because what I think of her doesn’t matter as much as what other people do? But I don’t think that’s it. I catch her glancing at me during practice, during games, seeking my approval. Maybe she trusts me enough to know even seeing her like this isn’t going to change how I feel about her, or shake my faith in her.
When she’s downed the glass of water, she turns around and nearly topples over. Though it hurts like fuck when her full weight forces my back against the wall and my hip against the hard tile floor, it was an easy call to put my body between her and harm. I grit my teeth and don’t make a sound.
That’s when she starts to cry.
She clutches at my shirt through my unzipped coat and presses her face into my chest. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I screwed up so badly.”
I take a second to try to make myself more comfortable, but the thing about osteoarthritis is that you’re never really comfortable, so it’s just a lessening of the pain. When I’m able to breathe again, I talk to her. Talk to her and pet her hair and hold her, because I don’t have a button to press to make this all go away.
“Hey. What are you talking about, ‘screwed up’? What’s all this? Did something happen I don’t know about?”
At first, she won’t look at me, so I find her chin with my fingers and tip her face up until our eyes meet, her cheeks damp, face red, eyes swollen, lips pinched between her teeth. Christ. It hurts me that she’s hurting so much.
“I broke up with my boyfriend on national television and now that’s the story instead of us making the semifinals. I was out past curfew. I got absolutely shitfaced and then dragged you out of bed to come rescue me. You had to practically carry me back to the village, and now I’m sitting on you after you had to hold back my hair while I puked. What about that is not screwing up?”
When she puts it like that . . .
I don’t respond immediately, and she wrenches her face away, burrowing back into my shoulder. At least she’s not so upset that she’s not willing to be touched. Then I’d feel really fucking helpless. As it is, I try to formulate my thoughts while she suffers through another bout of tears. When she’s calmed a bit, I tip her chin up again, since that seems to be the only way she’ll make eye contact.
“Hey. Listen to me. No one is angry with you for breaking up with Brody. If you don’t want to marry him, then don’t. Honestly, it was his own damn fault for asking you when and how he did. And I . . .” So many things I want to say. But I will keep them to myself. “I’m not mad at you. The rest of the team is not mad at you. If this is what gets more of the press interested in women’s hockey, so be it. There will just be more camera crews there when we take
gold, because I know you ladies can do it. I’m glad you called me to come help you. You can call me a thousand times in the middle of the night and I will never complain if it’s a choice between me helping you or you being in a dangerous situation.”
Hell, call me in the middle of the night for whatever. I will give you whatever you want, whatever you need.
“I’m not happy about you being out after curfew, and I’m even less happy about the drinking, but you know what? I think you’re way madder at yourself than I am, so I’ll just let you take care of feeling shitty about this all on your own. You’re going to make it up to me by not letting the team know you’re hungover during practice.”
She nods, her eyes wide, drinking in my forgiveness like she’s never tasted it before. Like she’s only ever gotten yelled at, guilt-tripped, and ripped apart. Who would do that? They don’t need to. Bronwyn already has plenty of humility, you don’t need to add humiliation to the cocktail.
But maybe between Brody and Coach Baker, who has a reputation for being an unimpressible despot, she’s been fed a steady diet of just that. Fuck.
I let go of her chin so I don’t pass a thumb over her cheek, even though it’s so goddamn tempting. It’s bad enough she’s basically in my lap, and I’m cradling her with my body. She’s not a tiny girl—can’t be and dominate on the ice the way she does—but she seems fragile right now. I’ll bear the pain until she can stand on her own. Literally, in this case, but I’d be in it for figuratively as well.
“Better?”
She nods again.
“Think you can make it long enough to brush your teeth and change or do you want to go straight to bed?”
“Teeth. Change.”
Yeah, now that she’s not feeling so sick and panicky, the exhaustion’s taking over. She reaches out for a convenient towel bar and uses it to stand, only weaving a bit when she’s come to her full height. I use the same bar, and then we’re almost face to face, though she still has to look up a little because we’re standing so close.
On the Edge of Scandal Page 5
