Once she leaned against Layne’s back, Jessica let all her fear go. Trusting him was easy; she’d trusted him with everything, which was why he had been the one she called when she knew that trouble was coming. It was the wondering if he’d still be around when all was said and done that scared her.
Pushing her head against his shoulder, as far as the helmet would let her go, she took in her surroundings. With it being late and pitch black, she only caught glimpses of porch lights now that they’d made it far enough out that the lights from town weren’t reflected. For a brief moment, she allowed herself to imagine that they were coming home from a date. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply. Honeysuckle was prevalent in the air, especially this time of year. It mixed in with the scent of early summer, leather, the spicy soap that Layne used, and faint traces of tobacco smoke. To her it was a heady combination. All too soon the ride was over and they were pulling onto the gravel drive that led to the clubhouse.
When they stopped in the garage, Jessica stayed where she was, not wanting to let go of Layne.
“You can let go,” he told her, a chuckle in his voice.
“I know,” she answered. “I just don’t want to.”
“Why are Layne and Jessica sitting out in the garage?” Tyler asked Meredith as they raided the kitchen.
“Not sure,” Meredith took a bite of the cookie she’d snagged while Tyler made a sandwich. “There’s something going on there.”
“Ya think?” He raised an eyebrow in her direction, smoothing his hair back from his face.
“You don’t have to be a smart ass.” She tried to pinch his stomach. “Seriously, you don’t have any fat I can pinch on your stomach,” she huffed. “This is one of those times where I should be happy that you’re my husband, but at the same time, I really don’t like you.”
He laughed. “I keep it tight for you. Aren’t you happy about that, baby?”
It was hard to argue against his logic, but it still made her a little uncomfortable about what was to come. Would he still love her when she gained weight? Would he find her attractive? She was sure their efforts had taken this time.
“Hey,” he told her, an edge to his tone. “Stop it now. I can see where your mind is going. Just don’t even go there.”
She leaned up against the counter. “I can’t help it, I’m sure every woman thinks about it. Not to mention, you’re a very nice looking man.”
“You’re cute when you flirt,” he grinned, turning so that he crowded her against the counter.
Meredith shrugged, her own grin lighting up her face. “I do try every once in a while.”
He threw his head back, laughing loudly. The sides of his eyes wrinkled, and he ran his tongue over his bottom lip, leaving a trail of moisture behind.
“You really don’t know how hot you are…do you?” she sighed, putting her arms around his neck and standing on tip toe so that she could press their mouths together.
Just as he widened his stance to get more comfortable, the kitchen door opened.
“Sorry,” Liam said as he walked over to the coffee pot, yawning the whole way.
“Dude? We were having a moment here.” Tyler held his hands up.
“Your moment is going to have to wait,” Liam growled. “I’m on diaper duty and we’re out of fucking coffee. I’m trying to let Denise get some sleep, but I’m really thinking of dipping Tatum’s pacifier in some bourbon if it would mean she’d go to sleep.”
Meredith and Tyler exchanged a look. They had just brought the baby home today and Liam was already dead-dog tired. This didn’t bode well for the next few months.
“Oh yeah, get the fuck ready. No sleep, coffee drinking in the middle of the night, and a grouchy woman. It’s perfect,” he groused as he watched the coffee percolate.
“Well,” Tyler started and then closed his mouth. “I guess we’ll just leave you to that.”
He pushed Meredith lightly out the door, wanting to get as far away from the sleep-deprived president as he could.
“I’d be grouchy too if I had to deal with him,” she whispered.
“I heard that,” Liam yelled.
She couldn’t stop the giggle that rumbled out of her throat. Tyler soon joined, choking on the sandwich he had finally taken a bite of. Both of them knew if they could keep their humor everything would be fine.
Layne was starting to sweat. His heart rate was kicking up and panic was beginning to set in the longer they stayed together out in the garage. Using his training to try and steady his breathing wasn’t working. He would be coming upon a full panic attack if he wasn’t careful.
It was always like this. Things would be going perfectly, and then he’d feel it start. It wouldn’t end until he was a blubbering fool. He couldn’t do this around her. She’d be gone quicker than he could snap his fingers. He didn’t want her gone, but he didn’t want her to stay either.
“Are you okay?” Jessica asked softly. Where her hands rested on his chest, she could feel his heart thundering.
Not trusting himself to speak, he got off the bike as quickly as he dared without laying the thing down with her on it. “Fine,” he answered as he busied himself with taking all his gear off.
The atmosphere became strained between the two of them as she slowly slipped her leg over, afraid to spook him. “I’m gonna go take a shower,” she said quietly before going into the main part of the clubhouse.
His dark eyes followed her as she made her escape. Who could blame her? He was starting to freak the fuck out. Stepping out of the garage into the night, his shaky hands dug into his pockets and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Within seconds, one was in his mouth and the nicotine was coursing through his body, calming his frayed nerves.
“Fuck, Layne,” he grimaced in anger. “You’ve gotta get your shit together.”
The only problem was, he didn’t know what that meant. He didn’t know who he was anymore. Hell, he was damn lucky this group of people had taken him in because he sure wasn’t fit to be around most of society. In his head the words that the doctor at the VA told him ran through his head. You may never be the person you once were. You have to come to grips with that. Until you face what you’ve been through, you can’t move past it. Well fuck that, he didn’t want to face it. He didn’t want to talk about it, and he sure didn’t want anyone else knowing what happened. If they knew what had happened, he’d be gone from here, just like he was from the Army.
Maybe it was true—the things they had said about him. That he really wasn’t fit to be around anybody anymore. The thought made him incredibly sad, but he wondered not for the first time if all the people whispering behind his back at the VA hospital had been right.
Chapter Eleven
Her hair wasn’t wet anymore, but still Jessica sat on the lip of the bathtub, running her towel through the long tresses. It was easier to hide away than to go outside of her cocoon and confront Layne about things she knew he didn’t want to talk about. Curiosity, however, was a part of her nature, and she just wasn’t sure she could go on anymore without knowing something. Never in her life had she gone into anything less prepared than she had coming here to him. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t been left with much of a choice, but at the same time, she needed a bone. Something to let her know that the man she had once known was still there.
Glancing at her phone, she realized she had dawdled for over an hour. It was time to face the music so to speak. She blew out a deep breath as she opened the door. What she saw was not what she expected to see. Layne lay on the bed—deeply asleep. The times they’d lain in bed together before were some of her favorite and the spot next to him looked so inviting. She knew it was wrong, but she needed affection. She needed someone to care about her—it had been so long since someone had. Jessica knew it wasn’t smart, but she needed this so badly. Without a second thought, she lay down next to him and put her arms around his waist. In his sleep, he cuddled up next to her, and she breathed easier. A memory of them lying like this
before he had gone overseas came to her mind. He still smelled the same—felt the same too—only more muscular now. Wrapped in familiarity, she drifted off almost immediately.
There was no way to tell what time it was, only that it was still dark, much later when she awakened. Layne’s hands were in her hair, tugging her this way and that. His mouth owned hers as he situated her to his liking, stroking his tongue against hers. Never before had she been kissed like this—so thoroughly. Trying to catch her breath, she wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her sensitive body to his. Since he had come back, she’d wanted this. She had all but thrown herself at him on so many occasions. Was this finally happening? Her stomach tickled as he moved his hands down her sides and stopped at her hips, fitting her body as tightly to his as he could. He ground himself into her, groaning deeply in his throat.
“Layne,” she gasped as he ripped his lips from hers, burying them in her neck. His breath was warm against her skin, moisture from his mouth trailed down the column as his tongue licked a trail towards her chest. This was all moving so fast; she wasn’t prepared for it at all. Her hands were on his head, and she gripped slightly, hoping to bring him to where she was, to slow things down. As soon as her fingers tightened, his body tensed.
Without warning, his hands moved from her hips. One hand pushed an arm up over her head, pinning her against the mattress, another came around her neck, squeezing tightly. She fought to open her eyes, and when she did, the person looking back at her wasn’t Layne. His eyes were so cold, glazed over, and his mouth sat in a firm line. He was breathing heavily, but it was obvious he was having a hard time realizing where he was.
“You have it don’t you?” he yelled at her.
She couldn’t answer, even if she had wanted to. The grip on her throat was too tight, too punishing. Jessica kicked with her feet, hoping to dislodge him, but even though he was no longer on active duty, he was in very good shape. He wasn’t overly muscular, but he was very lean and very much in control of his precise movements at this point. It scared her that she couldn’t take a breath into her lungs, and he didn’t seem to realize what kind of distress she was in.
“Don’t lie to me,” he yelled at her again. “I know you have it.”
Thrashing her head to the left and then to the right allowed her to get enough room to breathe, and when she did, she let loose with a blood-curling scream. Even that didn’t break the spell that Layne seemed to be under. Within moments, the door to the room burst open revealing Tyler and Liam.
Immediately, Tyler took in the situation and ran over to where they lay. “Layne, my man,” he told him as reached down and grabbed the other man by the waist. “Don’t fight me,” he yelled at him when Layne began kicking. Tyler’s muscles bulged as Layne struggled against him. It took everything Tyler had to hang onto the other man.
Liam scooped Jessica up from where she lay, helping to pry Layne’s hands from around her neck. “You alright?”
She gasped, inhaling deep breathes, rubbing the sore spot around her throat. “I’m good,” she heaved. “But I’m worried about him.”
“Yeah, same here,” Liam said as he pushed her out of the room to where Meredith stood in the hallway.
The two women watched as Tyler and Liam quietly spoke to Layne, talking him down until he realized where he was and what he’d done. Neither one of them could hear the words that were exchanged, but they could both see the tension leave Layne’s body, could see him try to take in his surroundings and figure out exactly where he was.
“I told you.” He pointed to Tyler, pushing his finger into the big man’s chest. “I fucking told you.”
“What’s he talking about?” Jessica whispered to Meredith.
“I have no idea, but Tyler doesn’t take well to people putting their fingers in his chest. I’ll tell ya that.”
The watched as Tyler grabbed Layne’s finger and twisted. “Don’t fuckin’ touch me like that, little man. I’m serious.”
“You don’t scare me, Tyler. I’ve killed people.”
Tyler had the audacity to laugh. “You think I haven’t? At least you had a license to do it. Stop fucking feeling sorry for yourself and get your shit straight. I don’t care what you think you’ve done, but get it taken care of.”
Swallowing roughly, Layne sank down to the blanket on the floor. He did not want to go into this tonight—or anytime—but tonight especially. There was too much going on, too much trying his nerves. He felt like he was going insane. This incident had brought everything too close to the surface.
“Is there another room I could use tonight?” Jessica spoke up from where she stood. It wasn’t fair to ask Layne to make a decision about what needed to happen. It wasn’t in her nature to be rude, and Layne so badly needed a friend right now.
The look Layne gave her completely broke her heart.
“Not because of what you did,” she was quick to assure him. “Because I think you really want to be alone. Am I right?”
She was right and she was wrong, but he was glad that this was one decision he hadn’t had to make.
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat when it sounded like he’d been on an all-night bender. “I would really like to be alone right now.”
Liam and Tyler exchanged a glance before Tyler spoke up. “You sure about that?”
“I am,” Layne sighed. “Look, I’m not suicidal; I just need to get my head on straight, alright? When things like this happen, I just need a while to decompress.”
Tyler put his hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “I understand what you mean, but I also want you to understand that if you need anything, I’m right down the hall. Got it?”
“I know, and I appreciate it.”
The other four were uneasy as they backed out of the room and left Layne by himself, quietly closing the door.
“Are you sure it’s okay to leave him by himself?” Meredith whispered as they took Jessica to one of the only unoccupied dorm rooms at the clubhouse.
Tyler put his arm around her and pulled her close to him. “We’ve got to trust that he knows what he needs.” He turned to Jessica. “Are you okay?”
For the first time since they’d pulled her out of the room, Jessica took stock of what had happened to her. Layne could have killed her and not even realized it. As the adrenaline left her body, she began shaking.
“Come here.” Meredith held her arms open to the other woman and held her tightly as Jessica collapsed in her arms.
“He could have hurt me,” she whispered. “I never thought he would have ever hurt me.”
Meredith could remember those days and nights when she had been in the throes of agony from her attack and hadn’t been able to let go of what had happened to her. “He’s not himself, Jessica. Trust me when I say he’s not himself.”
“He hasn’t been himself for a very long time,” she admitted.
“He’s still there,” Meredith told her. “You’ve got to help him find his way out. All he needs is time and a little love. Trust me when I say that. You can bring him back; you just have to be patient.”
Jessica could tell from the way Meredith talked that she spoke from experience. Could she be that person? Could she be willing to wait for him to stop blaming himself? Could she live with never knowing what he had done? Was she strong enough for all of this? She wasn’t sure, but she made the decision standing right there in that hallway that she would know by the time the sun came up in the morning. She would not be the next person to hurt Layne. That she knew without a doubt.
Chapter Twelve
What the fuck had just happened? Layne couldn’t remember. All he knew was that there had been fear in Jessica’s eyes and it had been directed towards him. He hated when this happened, when he was stuck in a flashback and then couldn’t remember it. Those holes in his memory took away parts of his life, parts that he would never get back. That was the part he hated above all. He’d lost so much while away from home that he really didn’t want to lose any more
of it.
With hands that were more than a little shaky, he reached over to the bedside table where a pack of cigarettes lay. He almost couldn’t light the one he grabbed out and put in his mouth. When he blacked out, it spooked him—spooked him much more than he was willing to admit to anyone.
“Layne, man, you got to get your shit together,” he told himself. It wasn’t the first time he’d told himself this; not even the first time this night, but he knew without a doubt that something would have to change. Maybe that meant talking to someone, maybe it didn’t. The fact of the matter was, he no longer wanted to make that decision. Maybe he could go commit himself, check himself into some program and they could fix him. They could decide what was wrong with him and just tell him what the fuck to do to get better. He was sick of the guessing, the not knowing what was going to set him off.
The nicotine rushed through his system, doing what it was supposed to do, slowing his heartbeat and calming him down so that he didn’t feel so suffocated. He even debated going and grabbing one of those nerve pills he had been prescribed. Only twice had he taken them. The way they made him feel was really no better than being in the middle of an episode, but at least it gave him some measure of peace.
When the cigarette was no longer needed, he snuffed it out in the ashtray and lay back down on the bed and put his arm over his eyes. The deep breath he took should have left him feeling cleansed, but it didn’t.
All it did was fill his nose with the scent of Jessica. Her scent still clung to his skin, clothing, and the sheets on the bed. It made his skin feel too tight and made him want to run. Run far away from all of this and not face any of the things that he had been running from for so long.
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