by Mj Fields
“So what happened?”
“My whole point is this. Guard your heart and don’t spread your legs.”
Now she laughs and says, “Those are your words of wisdom?”
I shoot her a raised eyebrow.
“No seriously Kat, guard your heart and don’t spread your legs? You are in the wrong business, you should be writing greeting cards or something,” she laughs again. “How about spread your legs to those who guard your heart.”
I shrug. “But be prepared to be hurt.”
“But isn’t that what life is about? Get married, have kids, and all that?”
“No. That’s a made up fairytale. Life is about finding happiness in you.”
“And you’re happy being alone?”
“I’m happy being around the people I love,” I pause. “Even when they are trying to annoy me.”
She smiles. “Point taken. I still believe in the journey.”
“Then Darby, believe in the unfortunate things in life too. Pot did not end your parents’ marriage. You did not cause that to happen. Mom made a choice knowing damn well how it could end.”
“Can you imagine Mom high?” she laughs.
“No, and I can’t imagine you that way either, so just don’t.”
She nods. “Okay.”
***
When I am driving from Jersey to Connecticut I think about my conversation with Darby and laugh at the fact that I would make a shitty parent. I pull over to fill up the tank and when I get back in the car I look at my phone.
Notifications light up and I tap the app. Rider one messaged two hours ago.
@rider1: What’s up?
Kat: Heading to a weekend of engagement shit for a friend.
@rider1: Should be happy for her.
Kat: Sure. Fine I am. Just not looking forward to seeing an ex.
@rider1: Maybe you can get laid.
Kat: An ex is an ex for a reason.
@rider1: What’s the reason.
I’m tired, miserable and really don’t want to chat, but I also don’t want to get to where I’m heading either.
Fuck it.
Kat: His dick took a detour. It happens. I’m over it.
@rider1: You gonna fuck him just because?
Kat: Because what? I’m an idiot?! Hell no.
@rider1: Cool. So why the message?
Kat: Honestly?
@rider1: Honesty is expected.
Kat: I was probably looking to see if you wanted to show up and pretend to be my date. That was a bad idea though.
@rider1: Why was it a bad idea? Your FWB would get pissed?
I roll my eyes as I type.
Kat: Nope.
@rider1: Nope what? He wouldn’t get pissed or is he an ex now?
Kat: FWB aren’t ex’s regardless of what happens.
@rider1: Why not ask him?
Kat: It’s not ”like that” with us.
@rider1: You ever ask him?
This was a bad idea. I sit and wonder what to type.
@rider1: You still there?
Kat: Yep.
@rider1: I’ll help you piss a guy off.
Kat: I’m not fucking you.
@rider1: Wasn’t expecting that.
Kat: Then why?
@rider1: Babe, you asked. I said yes.
Kat: What if you’re ugly?
Shit! Why did I send that?
@rider1: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t see that, or the one you said I was a dick. I’m gonna say yeah, I’ll be there. You’re gonna say thanks and shoot me the address and what you’re wearing so I can make sure we look good together. Because Kat, I look fucking good.
Kat: Did your mom tell you that?
@rider1: UR pissing me off.
Kat: Black dress tonight, gray tomorrow.
@rider1: How many shades of gray?
Kat: What kind of question is that?!
@rider1: As in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey?’
Kat: NO!!!
@rider1: Worth a try. Shoot me the address, tell me times. Scout’s honor. Oh and nice pic. Kind of hot.
I look at my profile pic. Fucking Macey! She took a pic while Stephanie was all snuggle up on me and we were sleeping
Kat: I’m not sleeping with you.
@rider1: We’ve established that. I got your back and seriously stop being a bitch. You’ll feel real comfortable with me in less than ten minutes.
Fuck it. I send the address.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
WTF!
KAT
Two and a half hours later, I walk in to the bar at Woodberry Country Club. The first person I see is Josie’s soon-to-be husband, Blaine Hawthorne. He is standing in a group of men, one being Owen Michaels. I recognize the back of his head, I’ve thrown darts at it in my mind for years now.
I turn and walk in the opposite direction and see the greatest social escape ever invented, the ladies room.
I come face to face with a full length mirror and think how stupid it is to put a woman’s worst nightmare in the greatest escape. Nonsensical.
“You made it!” I look over and see Josie coming at me arms wide open and then she squeezes me. “How long has it been?”
“Years,” I say and hug her back.
She laughs and shakes her head no, “Not that long!” She steps back smiling bright as day, but-
“Braces,” she says. “Don’t worry, they come off in three weeks. Blaine thought a little straightening for the wedding pictures would be great. I couldn’t agree more.”
I hold back the NEED to tell her if it was her idea to begin with it would be great, if it was his, it makes him a fucking dick.
“Come on, meet the girls.” She beams and drags me into the bathroom further.
I am looking at a bathroom packed full of women with perfectly straight hair, matching white tank tops, golf shorts, even their shoes match.
“Ladies, this is my best friend from college, Kat,” she says smiling like crazy.
They all turn around and I see their expressions change from cordial to shock.
I laugh and wave. “Hey ladies.”
A few say hi and some just give a plastic as fuck wave. One looks me up and down. It takes me a minute to recognize her.
“Hey Cecilia.” I have to fight back a laugh.
She snaps to in true debutant form and rushes in and gives me a cheek peck, one on each side. “Hello Katherine.”
“Still just Kat,” I nod as I step back.
She looks me up and down again. “My how you’ve changed.”
“You too,” I say pointing to her tits. “Nice.”
Her mouth drops briefly and then she smiles and nods.
Josie grabs my hand and yanks me toward the door. “Come on let’s get you changed. Tee time in twenty.”
I look in the mirror at myself and laugh out loud. The bathroom door opens and Josie looks in. “You ready?”
“Please tell me I’m not going to have to wear one of those hats,” I laugh.
She laughs too and says in some sort of uppity accent. “An ascot hat. No, and if Blaine had pushed I would have pushed back. Truth is, his hair is far too important to mess up, so we’re safe.”
“Well thank God.”
“Your tattoos,” she points out, “look amazing. I wish I had the balls to get one.”
“You should. I’d ink you.”
“Blaine would flip.”
“Get his name and he won’t. He’d love that shit, guys always do.”
“You think?” she asks rubbing her forearm like she’s Popeye the Sailor. It’s cute.
“Not there to start, somewhere private, easily hidden, something just for him to admire on your body.”
The door to the lady’s locker room opens. “Josie, it’s time to play.”
“Okay Blaine,” she smiles. “We’ll be out in two.”
“I’m the shittiest golf player at Shitzville Country Club,” Josie whispers in a laugh.
“You’re also the most shit
faced bride-to-be at Shitzville Country Club,” I add in agreement.
“You drive this cart like a pro Kat,” she says tapping my cheek adoringly.
“Like I stole it.” I hit the gas and kick up some green, gaining myself a speculative glare from the bitches in the back.
I’ve had a couple therefore I have figurative beer muscles. Okay that’s a bullshit excuse, I’ve had two and the shittiest attitude at Shitzville Country Club, so I adjust the golf cart mirror and give the finger to the bitches in the back.
They both gasp which of course makes me smile on the inside.
I feel my phone vibrate and I pull it out as I bring the cart to a halt on the fifth hole.
@rider1: What are you wearing?
Kat: Assless chaps and a smile, and you?
@rider1: I’m about twenty minutes from the hotel.
Kat: We’re at the country club, I’ll text you the address.
@rider1: The what?
Kat: Long story. Apparently the bridal party is playing a round of golf. So to answer your question. I’m in some fucked up plaid shorts, ugly ass shoes, and a tank top that says Bridesmaid.
@rider1: So shorts and a tank top work?
Kat: Yep. I’ll message the address. Meet us on the greens somewhere between holes four and six. Oh and we didn’t meet on this fucking site. And Rider, thank you.
I take a deep breath and send him the address.
I see Blaine right next to Owen and all of the sudden I like Blaine about as much as I like Owen. Why is he even here? When did they become friends? Hey, maybe they’re fucking? I gasp at the thought and become caught up in the fantasy of it.
Suddenly I hope Blaine Hawthorne has a mountain cock and tears apart Owen’s asshole every time they go at it.
“Drink?” Josie asks holding out a glass of ‘Bubbly’.
“Hell yes,” I say taking the bottle instead. Before I take a drink I ask Josie, “Is Blaine circumcised?”
She laughs and her face turns red. “Yes why?”
“Just wondering.” I take a drink, grab a club out of the bag and walk toward my ball.
On six I have now finished a bottle of champagne, my stomach is in knots and I hope that Rider isn’t a fucking freak. I have never wished for a boyfriend until right now. Shouldn’t you be able to rent them for occasions like this?
Then I hear it, the whispered, ‘Oh my Gods’, and gasps and I can’t even bring myself to turn around.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Pull up your big girl thong Kat! I yell to myself and turn around. The sun is in my eyes so all I see is a tall, very well built figure with sunglasses and dark hair. There are no horns or a tail so I am relieved by that. As he gets closer, I am not so relieved.
Motherfucker, I mutter under my breath.
“Hey Kitty Kat, sorry I’m late,” he says and hugs me tight.
“I’m going to fucking kill you with my bare hands,” I hiss quietly in his ear.
“You’ll be fine, just play the game.” Then he pats my ass.
I step back and look at him then look around. They’re all checking him out like they did me, except bitches being bitches, they aren’t appraising him, they are admiring him.
“Let’s take a walk,” I snap and plaster on a smile.
“I like the way you think sexy,” he says and the bitches all swoon.
I grab his hand and walk toward the wooded area ahead.
“Fucking uncle,” he whines when we are far enough away that no one can hear us.
I let go of his hand. “Pussy.”
Then I spin around and glare at him.
“Look I can explain.”
“You better explain you asshole. I could kill you with my bare hands right now. Rider one? Rider fucking one!”
“It started out as a-” he pauses as if he’s trying to form a complete sentence from his nasty little thoughts. “I didn’t know it was you at first.”
“Bullshit Zack!”
“Okay look, I am seriously just here to make sure your ex knows he’s not touching you.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you! You know what? I don’t care, you’re fired.”
“Wait just a damn minute. I’m here as a friend.”
“We aren’t friends!”
He takes a deep breath again looking confused and then he shakes his head. “Well I don’t know what to say to that but it’s pretty damn nice of me to step in and help, so-”
“Nice of you? You fucking lied to me. What happened to truth? What happened to-” I stop when reality hits that I have told him more than anyone but Darby knows. “I will go to prison.”
“Right see, you don’t want to kill me. Prison would suck,” he nods.
“Oh I want to kill you but for the next two days you’re gonna be the most attentive fucking fake boyfriend ever. If I let you live after that, you keep your damn mouth shut about this. If it doesn’t go to the grave with you, you’ll go there prematurely.”
He nods. “Agreed.”
“We met at a bar, two weeks ago. You think the motherfucking sun rises and sets at my feet you understand?”
“Yeah,” he half hisses.
“Good, now let’s go.”
The rest of the night he is one step behind me, he’s cordial to everyone but doesn’t get too talkative. Whenever Owen gets near me, he takes my hand and as much as I wanna slap him it’s worth seeing Owen’s face get all screwed up and walking away.
We get shuttled to the hotel, guys in one limo, girls in another. Zack drives his jeep following us.
The girls tell me how fucking hot Zack is, and now we’re apparently friends. Like I said, bitches.
At the hotel he gets out and I toss him my keys. “Take a cab back and get my car.”
I say it bitchy and the way the girls look at him and then me like they expect the tattooed muscle bound beef cake to be annoyed is priceless when his jaw tightens and then he smiles.
I grin at him because it serves him right.
“No problem Kitty Kat, just keep in mind no good deed goes unpunished.”
Shocked at his cockiness I yell back, “We know who’s in charge here.”
“Right, you are.” He stops and turns back, gives me a wink and says, “Until you’re on your knees.”
Every one of the girls gasp and giggle.
“Tonight I want you to do that trick you do with my balls.” Now I gasp. “Don’t worry Kitty Kat, you’ll get it back tenfold.”
He disappears into a cab and I am surrounded by plastic debu-twats looking at me as if I am their Yoda.
Not gonna lie, it feels good to be top twat, but Zack is still gonna die.
He’s gone a while, I think anyway, I’m all sorts of fucked up and being followed around by bitches asking questions about me and Zack.
When he appears at the door he nods for me to come to him. They all giggle.
I snap my finger and point to the spot in front of my barstool.
He shakes his head no and beckons me with his finger.
“Go,” one of them laughs.
“Fuck that, you give in to a man and he’ll keep walking all over you.”
“Right? That’s exactly how my Owen is.”
I keep my shit together and smile. “Yeah well who the hell would want some stuck up suit wearing bitch when they could have a man like that.” I nod to Zack. “Yeah, I think I’ll go.”
“I’m Katy,” she says. “See you tomorrow.”
When I walk out of the hotel bar Zack is pacing.
“What the hell is your problem?”
“Fuck Kat, fuck, fuck, fuck.”
I grab his arm and yank it so he turns back to me. “What?”
“Panic! at the Disco. Panic at the mother-fucking-disco.”
“English?” I snap.
“Blonde Amazonian bitch in the men’s room getting nailed by the groom,” hisses in a low rumble. “Fuck, I did not need to see that. Get her and we’re out.”
I stand as everything spins unable to speak.
He grabs my shoulders. “Kat, fucking snap out of it.”
I stare straight ahead and see my sweet little Josie’s whole life crumble apart before me.
He looks back and sees her.
She swallows, and takes in a deep breath, as she watches Blaine and… oh fuck no!
Cecilia fucking bitch! I wanna kill her.
Josie smiles positioning herself so her back is to them and walks toward me.
She grabs my hand. “Get me upstairs and they don’t need to know shit.”
“We got you little one,” Zack says with a nod.
“Josie?” Blaine says from behind her and she places a Carrie like smile on her face and turns around.
“I’m a little exhausted from the heat and excitement of the day. I’m gonna go up with Kat and get some sleep.”
“I’ll walk you,” he says holding his arm out for her to hook through.
“Oh no Blaine, stay. A woman who truly loves her man would never take anything away from him.”
“I don’t understand,” he says.
“Well I hate golf but I do that for you.” She smiles. “I also dislike people who look down on others, but I swallow that, amongst other things, I don’t care to swallow for you because I told you I love you and I meant it in words and my actions.”
“Sweetheart you’re tired,” he says looking uncomfortable.
“Sure am. Goodnight Blaine.”
“I’ll be up in a little while.”
***
An hour later and we are in her apartment gathering up laptops and files. She is making hardly any sense but she’s focused on the task at hand.
She sits at her desk and she is on Hawthorne’s website signed into her e-mail and downloading file after file.
“You okay little lady?” Zack says pulling up a stool next to her and handing her a drink.
“Me? Yep. I’m just a stupid girl from Beaverton, Michigan who happened to have busted her ass and gotten a full ride to Harvard University,” she says still typing away. “I was also unaware that I was a kick ass science geek in the making. Clearly Blaine Hawthorne and his father knew this.”
“Speak English genius,” Zack says in a low almost angry tone.
“Zack, I will cut you if you talk to her like that again.”
She turns in her seat and looks at him. “I may not be beautiful, but I’m smart and I may have been blinded by his beauty and-”
“You are beautiful,” he interrupts.
