by Tijan
That wasn’t true. I felt her shiver under my touch. She laughed with me.
Then I remembered how she recounted the events of the day her mother died. How she didn’t cry or get angry. Even her reaction when she found out Matthew had been recording us was off. It wasn’t a reaction at all, as if . . . she had turned off her humanity.
I sank back in the chair.
“She told me that she doesn’t understand us. Those were her words.” His mouth twisted into a grimace as if he thought he should laugh at that but couldn’t. “She felt a tickle of humanity when it came to Finn, Abby, me. She said the only ones who made her feel alive were you, and Shiloh.” A sad smile lingered on his face. “Congratulations. You’re competing with a goddamn horse for her.”
He was right.
And just like that, I knew where she went.
“She has to be out there to survive. She won’t live if you take her away from here.”
I closed my eyes and lowered my head.
Another fucking person telling me that.
Fuck. I was telling myself that, but . . .
I looked up at him. “I can’t imagine life without her.”
“And you have a blooming career that will take you all over the world.”
I nodded. My head felt so fucking heavy. “And a goddamn horse will keep her from coming with me.”
“I’m sorry.” He actually sounded as if he meant it. “I truly am.”
I nodded, my chin falling to my chest. “Yeah.”
My insides were being seared.
I stood and cleared my throat, and even that goddamn hurt.
Matthew watched me, then stood with me. “What are you going to do? You fly out tomorrow, don’t you?”
“I have another day here.” After that, I was headed right to New Zealand to start filming my next movie.
“Then take it.”
“What?”
Matthew looked fierce as he said, “Take it. Take the day. Go find her. Make her need you as much as she needs that horse. Maybe then you’ll have a chance.” His voice went to a whisper. “Maybe then, but you’re going to have to fight for her.”
I was sure if I did a poll, everyone would tell me to leave her. Love her tonight, but then leave and forget her. As I left the house and continued past the barn to the wilderness beyond, I knew I wasn’t going to do any of that.
I couldn’t let her go. That was all I knew.
So, I went to find her.
Morgan
The herd left as soon as they heard him coming.
Shiloh waited, but finally, I motioned for her to go, and she did, just not before letting out a soft neigh and giving me a nip on my shoulders. She wasn’t happy, but neither was I.
How could someone be so torn? Be content in two different places but always be yearning for the other?
It wasn’t normal.
I wasn’t normal.
“Morgan!”
I was sitting on a rock, my knees pulled up with my elbows resting on them. I looked up and waited, and a few seconds and several suspicious crashes later, he fell through some foliage and landed on the grass clearing before my rock.
He looked up, saw my shoes, and craned his neck farther back.
His eyes found mine. “Oh. Hey.” He sat back and combed his fingers through his hair. “Fancy meeting you here.”
I rolled my eyes. “I wanted to be with the herd toni—”
“I’m leaving tomorrow.”
I stopped, looked at him a moment, and then blinked. “What?”
“We’re done shooting. My plane leaves tomorrow night at midnight.”
I swallowed over a knot. “For New Zealand?”
He nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. “Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was going to tonight. You dipped out before I could.”
The knot was still lodged smack dab in my throat. I should’ve realized. I should’ve been prepared.
I felt like someone slapped me in the face.
“I see.”
I looked down at the rock but had to close my eyes. My head was swimming.
“Thought you said you wanted to be with the herd.”
I didn’t look up as I waved in their general direction. “You scared them off.”
“Oh.”
I opened my eyes but still couldn’t look. My throat shouldn’t be burning, but it was.
I knew he was going, but I hadn’t thought about it. I hadn’t allowed myself to.
Why do I suddenly feel like I’m ten years old again?
“Hey.” Brody’s voice dropped to a husky whisper. He scooted closer, his legs extending out by the rock as he peered up at me. He tugged on one of my hands. “What’s going on?”
I shook my head.
I didn’t cry, but this was the second time I felt tears that night.
I didn’t cry, right?
“You knew I’d be going.” He pulled back, resting his hands behind him to help prop him up. He kept his legs by the rock. One foot was pulled toward him.
I did.
I should’ve nodded at this part.
I couldn’t.
I didn’t want him to go, so I hadn’t let myself think about it.
I croaked, “I know.”
I was a fool.
“Morgan. Hey.” He sat back up, but he didn’t reach for my hand. His voice went back to an intimate whisper.
It sent tingles through me, and that wasn’t fair. He was manipulating me.
No. No, he wasn’t.
My head hung lower as I admitted that.
This was Brody being Brody. He was being amazing. Kind. Wonderful. Loving. He was being the guy thousands of women wanted and I got, and I was making him sit in the middle of a woods while I . . . sulked on a goddamn rock.
I jerked my head up. The words were out before I knew I was going to ask them. “Why are you with me?”
“What?” He looked taken aback.
“Why?” I gestured to myself. “I would rather spend time with a horse over a person any day of the week.”
Brody remarked, “Uh . . . most would. Have you met people? They can be monsters.”
I kept going as if he hadn’t spoken. “The only person who’s pulled me away from Shiloh is you, and you’re leaving, and I . . .” My heart was racing. My chest felt tight. It was hurting.
I was hurting.
Someone was squeezing my heart, and I had no clue what was going on. “Brody, I—you’re leaving tomorrow. What are you doing with me?” I scrambled to my feet and jumped over him. I thought about running. I looked at the brush. I could go. I could crash through that foliage and be gone in an instant. He found his way there. He could find his way home.
What was I doing still standing there?
I loved him.
My heart thumped—literally.
I loved him.
I hadn’t loved anyone since my mother. I cared. I could care, but not love.
And I loved Brody.
That was why I couldn’t leave his side. That was why I’d been ignoring Shiloh for him. I blinked rapidly, forcing tears away. I had no idea what any of that meant.
“I can’t leave.”
I paused after saying those words.
The silence was palpable.
I turned and looked at him. He was standing, but his eyes were wide and his hands were flat against his sides. He looked as if I just kicked him.
“Okay.” He frowned.
That was it?
I frowned too. “You don’t have anything to say?”
“I—” He held his hands up and shrugged. “I already knew that.”
“Why aren’t you pissed?”
“Because I already knew you wouldn’t come with me.” He gestured over my shoulder. “You replaced your mom with a horse. What’d I expect?” He seemed strained as he said that, his eyes closing and lines forming around his mouth.
“What?”
“Shi
loh. Or Shoal. Or whoever else. You replaced your mom with a horse, with someone who can’t talk, who can’t walk on two legs.” He waited. “Who can’t leave you.”
I sucked in a breath.
My pulse was still racing, but it took on a whole different feel.
Anger was rising.
“Fuck you.”
He smirked, shaking his head. “There she is. There’s the girl that you want to hide.”
His words were almost mean as his mouth twisted into a snarl, but I saw how his hands trembled, felt the mixed emotions pouring off him. “I got your message via your brother. Two thumbs-up, Morgan. Way to deliver a punch. Tell the brother who’s obsessed with you your real secrets. You wanted to stick a knife in me? That was the way to go. Or”—he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a pocket knife before flipping open the blade—“here’s the real thing. Here you go.” He pretended to hand it to me. “Stick it in me. Turn it a few times. That’s what you did by telling Matthew your deepest darkest secrets.”
I flinched with the first harsh message, and I kept flinching.
He was being so mean, almost cruel.
My eyes began to water again. “Stop it,” I croaked out. It wasn’t even a raspy whisper. It was really a croak. That was all I could manage.
I just wanted him to stop it.
“Why?” He surged closer, his eyes blazing. “You don’t have feelings? Right? That’s the message you sent. You couldn’t love me because you can’t feel anymore. You shut it all off. You don’t understand humanity, how we’re so mean to each other.” He clapped and then pointed his hands to me. “But hey. You just learned your own lesson. You were cruel to me. Going to Matthew, telling him why you couldn’t be with me, and then darting off to Wilderness Land. That’s what humans do. We’re cowards. We hurt. We get pissed. We say shit to hurt other people. That’s what we do, and that’s what you did. You hurt me.”
He stopped, biting off those words.
I flinched again, my entire body jerking to the side as if his words physically struck me.
He was right.
Goddamn.
He was right.
I blinked a few times, wiped the last of the tears away, and faced him.
I had hurt him, and I think I did it on purpose. No. I know I did.
“You have to leave me.”
He advanced on me. “Fuck you.”
I stayed put. I barely heard his retort as I raised my chin. “I will be a cancer to you.”
“Shut up.”
He still advanced.
I tuned him out. He wanted to hurt me, but we both knew I was the one who was really hurting him.
I lowered my head and said, “My mom was murdered, and my family abandoned me. I’m toxic. I’ll never be what you want.”
He was right in front of me. His eyes were still blazing, and his nostrils were flaring.
I didn’t move or retreat. The urge was there, but I just looked up and met his gaze, holding his eyes as fiercely as I was holding my ground.
“You think you’re fucked up?” His eyes were smoldering.
“I know I am.”
“Well, get in line, honey.” He bent, and his hands found my waist. “I listened to my brother die. Think that was a piece of cake? My publicist/manager betrayed me. Then I had to go and identify his body. Also another piece of cake, right?”
I didn’t react, but shivers of pleasure shot through me at his touch.
He straightened, lifting me with him.
I closed my eyes. What was I doing?
He was carrying me away, and somehow he seemed to know exactly where to go. We were just outside the hot spring. He stepped through the tree line, into the clearing, and he kept going. He went all the way into the water, clothes and all, and I was shivering, but it wasn’t from the cold.
My teeth were almost rattling together.
My limbs were shaking.
I had no idea what was going on with me.
I glanced down at myself, and it was like looking at a stranger’s body.
A single beam from the moon fell onto the water, and I could see how my nipples were erect. My legs had wound themselves around his waist. When he shifted so my back was resting over a rock, he didn’t move to retreat. He leaned over me, his eyes glittering from the moonlight, and his hand caught the side of my face.
His thumb rubbed over my cheek. “Your eyes are dilated. What are you thinking right now?”
That I had no idea what was happening.
I always wanted him. I understood that feeling, but there were others swirling around in me—feelings I had never experienced before. It was as if he pulled down the divider inside me, and the other half I thought dead was spilling free.
I shook my head, only able to gasp in sound.
He ran his hand down my throat, circling, and moving down my chest until it lay flat between my breasts.
My heart drummed stronger, trying to press against his hand. A soft smile lit up his face and he looked back to me. “You feel that?”
I was feeling too much. That was the problem.
I could still only gurgle out a sound.
I felt like I was dying.
I started to shake my head. I didn’t want this. It was too much, too overwhelming, too powerful.
It made me feel weak.
It made me feel vulnerable.
I hated this.
I began to push him away.
He tightened his hold on me. “Morgan. What’s wro—” He was frowning as he stepped back, but his hands were still on me.
My legs were still wound around his waist.
I was thrashing.
I had to get away from him, and I began to pound on his chest.
“Morgan!” He caught my wrists and pushed them down until my hands were pinned to my sides. His head was right above mine. There were only a few inches of space between our lips.
But I was raging on the inside.
I was panicked, but I knew my legs were still locked around him, my anchor. I couldn’t let go of him, but I wanted to be away. My insides were tearing in half—ripping and shredding and sending quakes through my whole body. I couldn’t even form words.
My mom was there. I was seeing flashes of her.
“Morgan, honey.”
Her voice was so soft, so warm, so loving.
She knelt in front of me, pulling me to her while he pounding against the door.
I felt her fear. She was shaking as badly as I was.
I felt her tears on my shoulders as she whispered, “I want you to grow up and be strong. Be bold. Be loving. Be fierce. I want you to have children of your own, and they will make you proud.” She pulled back, framing my face with her hands.
She knew she was going to die.
I had forgotten this memory.
The tears were coating her face. “You have already made me so proud. You’re so intelligent. You’re beautiful. You’re a leader. You will do amazing things one day.” She tapped my forehead, more tears sliding free. “And I can’t wait to see what you do.”
The guy at the door wouldn’t go away.
She hugged me again, burrowing her head into the crook of my neck and shoulder. “I love you so much, Morgan. And I will always, always be with you.” She pressed her hand right over my heart. “I’m right here. I’m in there with you.”
I returned to that rock, with Brody looking at me with such concern.
“Morgan?”
I pulled my hands from his and framed his face like my mother had done to me. “I’m here.”
He collapsed on top of me, his head falling to where hers had been. “God.” His body shook with fervor. “I was freaking out. You looked like you were having a seizure or something.” He lifted his head back up and smoothed my hair back. He kept repeating that movement to calm himself. “What just happened?”
“I . . .” I saw her again.
Her hand on my chest. “I’m right here. I’m in there with you.”
/>
“I remembered something. It came back to me just now.”
I reached up and brushed some of his hair back.
It felt right, whatever happened to me. I didn’t feel half-dead anymore. I didn’t have words for it, but it was almost as if I’d been in pieces before and somehow was just put back together.
Instead of trying to explain that, I just said, “I love you.”
His eyes softened. His thumb went to my mouth and traced my lips. “I love you too.”
I nodded. “I know.”
His lips curved up. “You know?”
“You told me, but I’ve known this whole time. You’re almost obsessed with me.”
He let out a laugh. The rest of his mouth formed a full smile, but it was tender, and it was filled with love. “Really? I’m obsessed with you?”
I nodded again. “It’s easy to do. I’ve heard I’m pretty spectacular at things like climbing. I know a lot of horse tricks.”
“Horse tricks?” More laughter, but it ended on a soft sigh. His hand cupped the side of my face, and he leaned close. “Maybe the tables are turned here. Maybe you’re obsessed with me?”
“Maybe.” I was smiling. “I heard you’re hot stuff. You’re famous too.”
“I am. I’m very famous.”
“And rich.”
His laughter softened. “Yeah, but so are you.”
“I had a rich grandfather, I hear.”
“You still want to find your biological family?”
I tilted my head to the side. Did I?
“No. I have siblings who love me. They don’t care that we aren’t biological, so I won’t either.” I traced a finger down his shoulder and over his bicep to his wrist before going back up and lingering over his chest. “I trust my mom. She stayed away for a reason.” I traced small circles over him, loving how his muscles shifted under my touch. “You leave tomorrow?”
His hand went around to the back of my neck. “I leave tomorrow night.”
The angry words were spent between us. My explosion was gone. It left behind a trail of too much, but I felt an urgency push to the forefront. We had tonight and tomorrow. That was it. My eyes lifted to his, and I saw the same anguish there.
He let out a breath of air, letting his forehead fall to rest on mine gently. “You won’t come with me?”
That ripping apart feeling started in me again. I shook my head, just an inch. “I don’t know how I can.”
