by Fin J. Ross
'Hurry, Umbi,' he calls as he disappears around the corner into the office. 'I want to look up Erna again and see what she's up to.'
Sounds good to me. I plonk delicately out of my comfy-tub onto the floor and glide across to the door. I do hate to run coz, though I don't like to admit it, there is the likelihood of tripping over my own swinging flabby-flap. I saunter into the office and find almost everyone is there ahead of me.
Big Dan has very politely saved me a seat in front. I jump up just as Erna's weblike finishes loading. A news flash flickers across the screen:
Dacata confesses: 'I don't know who my fuddy is'
- Ms Fanny confesses her deepest secrets on the
David Letterbomb show
'Oh arrgarg,' I wail. 'How embarrassing, now the whole world knows. Uck and I can't stand that Letterbomb bloke. Obnoxious, supercilious, catankerous; the sort of guy you reserve all these big words for.' I cover my eyes in shame. I can't look any more.
'Uh-oh,' Maharani says, 'if you think that's bad-'
'What?' I blubber. I can't look.
'You're not gonna like this.'
I move my paw just enough to glimpse the screen.
Dacata says -
'My umbi is an overweight yellumoholic'
Good grief, has she no shame? 'Okay, enough already. Just wait until I get close enough to have a word in that girl's ear. C'mon let's look at something else now. Hey, can we doodle Origami? I want to get some ideas.'
Inda types it in and we all wait, twiddling our collective toes, while the puterbox cogitates. A long list appears on the screen and I scan down it, not really knowing how to pick one site over any other. Inda scrolls down.
'Hey, wait a minute. Click on that one,' I say, pointing. In a moment a weblike appears and as it loads, my mouth starts to gape and I feel a bit giddy. I can't believe what I'm seeing.
It's all about the annual International Origami Expo Convention and there's a big picture of - I can't believe it - Pussfessor Inki Kazumi!
I feel truly faint as I stare at the screen.
'Hey, what's the matter, Fudgepuddle?' Raffles asks. 'Your eyes have gone all whiffle.'
I look at him but can hardly focus. 'Huh? Um, you're not going to believe it, but I just had a dream about this. About the expo and this pussfessor.
'But I dreamed that I was there - in Sacatmento. And I was a star; even Dacata was there to congratulate me. But how is that possible? How could I have known about this? I'd never even heard of him before.'
'Maybe you're psychit,' the Colonel suggests.
'Maybe you can see into the future like, like Nostradammit,' Maharani offers.
'Maybe I can. I mean how could I have possibly known this? When is it?' I ask; like I'd have a wimby-out-of-water's hope of being able to go.
'Umm, there you go, March 23 to 26,' Inda says.
'Oh foop! That's next month, like only five weeks away. So much for that then. How would I possibly get there?' I'm crestfallen. I pout. I put on my most miserable face. I stick out my bottom lip and I repeat, 'Oh foop!'
'But but, look,' Inda says excitedly. 'It says here that the Australian qualifying contest is on March 2nd to 4th. And the winner of that gets to travel free to Sacatmento for the international expo!'
My ears prick up, my lip snaps up, my face brightens up and I nearly chuck… with all the excitement I mean. I look around me and see nods of approval from everyone.
'There's hope for you yet, girl,' Big Dan says, with an affectionate tone to his voice. 'If you can get to the qualifier.'
'Yes, yes, maybe I can.'
'Hey,' Raffles butts in, 'all we've got to do is print this out and leave it on the desk for Miss Steph. That will give her the idea and then she'll pass it on to your deuxjambs and maybe, maybe they'll take you there. Good idea, huh?'
'That is a very good plan,' the Colonel nods.
'Ooh, I wish I could go too,' Maharani says.
'Me too, me too,' Finny agrees.
'Hey, if anyone should go with her, it should be me. I am family after all,' Inda reminds us.
'You have a good point there darling, except that, of course, the deuxjambs don't know that.'
'Mmm,' he acknowledges. He scrolls further down. 'It looks like you'd have quite a bit of competition. It says here the Australian champion for four years in a row is an Oriental by the name of Junji Sato.'
'Does that mean he has a black belt in origami?' Finny asks.
'Dunno, probably. Wow, look at that!' Inda points at the screen and everyone takes an audible breath as we stare transfixed. Choux-Fleur tilts her head sideways to try to figure it out.
'It's fantastic but what is it?' Finny asks.
'Beats me. Oh, hang on, it says here it's a Tricerapots. Looks complicated,' Raffles says.
'What's a Tricerapots?' Inda asks.
'Not sure, but I think I saw one in the back yard once. Do you think you could make that Tricerapots?' Big Dan asks me.
'I reckon I could. Here, pass me some of that paper over.'
Raffles slips me a piece of paper from the tray beside him. I grab it with both paws, shut my eyes and start. I ignore the titters and 'ahs' going on around me and bend and fold like it's second nature to me. It takes a bit longer than the wimby or the kimono but before long I'm proudly holding out a perfect orange Tricerapots. Whatever that is.
'Wow!' Raffles says, 'I was timing that. Fifty-two seconds, that's amazing. This Sato guy here says that his took about twenty minutes to make.' Raffles shakes his head in disbelief.
'You are amazing, you're a star, Fudgepuddle; er, ah, sorry, Juno.'
Suddenly I'm surrounded by clapping - which for feelis, is more of a sight thing than a sound thing - and everyone is patting me on the back and nodding. And, I can't believe it, Big Dan is even bowing to me like I'm royalty, or a queen something.
'You absolutely have to get yourself to this contest, Juno,' the Colonel says. 'You'll be the talk of the origami world. Who knows, you might even be able to topple that Sato guy and that Pussfessor Kazumi off their perches. I can see it now…'
He adopts his most eloquent voice and waves his paws expansively and says: 'Introducing the new star of origamidom, the quickest, cleverest and most dexterous new talent in many a long year - the incredible Juno!
'Just wait until you tell them all how you discovered your talent; while taking a grunty in your kackapod,' he laughs. 'As Catfucius once say: Feeli who master kackapod paper go on to rule Japan!'
'Did he really say that?' Finny asks.
'Well, words to that effect,' the Colonel replies.
Red and Mars chime in, 'We think you'll find that Catfucius was Chinese, not Japanese. But nevertheless, we both think you should go for it.'
'I don't know,' I say, 'knowing my luck I'd be beaten by a folding chair.'
So, I'm sitting back in my, sorry, our pen, surrounded by folded paper objects of all kinds. Inda's urging me on: 'make this, make that, make a boffle, make a floomy, make a keckoo'.
Honestly, I tell him, if I fold any faster I'll be perforated. But, it seems, that with an endless supply of paper, especially this pretty coloured stuff Raffles found on the shelf in the office, there's nothing I can't create. I'm just a paper-folding freak. It's almost like someone else is controlling my paws. I can even do it in the dark! And now I'm starting to wonder whether there really is something in this clairvoyanty stuff. Maybe Sizi got her talent from me, without me even knowing I had it. Wow. Maybe I'm a clairvoyant origamiist. I grin a big grin.
'Umbi, what are you doing?'
'Huh? Oh, nothing, Inda-mine, nothing really. I was just having a Zen moment.'
Of flame and gory
Click, flash, click flash!
'I've just been taking some pictures of your wonderful creations, Miss Fudgepuddle,' Miss Steph says.
'Meh?' I think she's beginning to understand me now and she seems really impressed. It looks like Raffles might have had the right idea leaving the notice on the d
esk for Miss Steph. She must be getting a pawtfolio together to show Hayoo and Darling when they come to get me. Ooh, it's so exciting; I'm going to be famous, I just know it.
'I'd like to see you in action,' Miss Steph says as she turns and heads out of the pen towards the office.
She soon returns with some coloured paper and puts a green piece down in front of me. I look at it waiting for some inspiration.
A hibby, that's it! Hibbies are often green of course.
I pick up the paper with one paw and set to work, looking up occasionally at Miss Steph, who's just standing there looking moosh-thwacked. She raises her eyebrows every now and then and shakes her head. I keep folding the paper back on itself, then around that way and this way until I've formed a perfect hibby. I drop it on the ramp in front of me and place my paw gently on its back. It hops forward, just like a real hibby. Miss Steph gasps, gapes and covers her mouth.
'Oh Fudgepuddle, that's brilliant. Just brilliant. I've never seen anything like it.' She keeps shaking her head, while Inda bats his paws together in applause.
'This has really got to be seen to be believed,' she goes on. 'A cat doing origami; it's incredible! Nobody would believe me if they didn't see it with their own eyes. This is, like, a world first I'm sure; but the world's got to see this. I know what I'll do, I'll ring Sixty Mittens. You could be really famous!'
'Wow,' I shake my head in disbelief. 'She's very impressed I think,' I say to Inda.
'So she should be, Umbi, I mean I've never come across anyone else who can do origami. Come to think of it, I've never come across anyone who can do anything as quick and perfect as you can. You're a legend, Umbi.'
I've never felt so proud. Finally I think I know what I was put on this earth for. My own kisskie thinks I'm a legend. What more could an umbi want but to bask in her own flame and gory?
I grin really wide and start to roll over a bit, then I have this sudden sensation of falling. I stick my legs out straight in an involuntary spasm and-
Suddenly I'm awake.
Oh, foop! Was I dreaming again?
I open my eyes blearily and nearly jump out of my skin. Miss Steph's standing there with her little camera, clicking away. So that explains the flashes. I must have seen them in my mindmove. And there I was thinking she'd found my origami masterpieces.
Inda is still lying along my belly; his head tucked in under my chin.
'What?' I ask Miss Steph.
'Oh, that's so cute. Look at the two of you. You're obviously meant to be together.' She says to herself. She clicks again, right in my face this time. I blink at the flash.
'Well good morning to you Miss Fudgepuddle,' she addresses me personal this time. 'I hope you don't mind that I just clicked off a couple of pictures of you and Coalpit snuggled up there. You look so cute, I'm sure your owners would love to see this. I'm hoping they won't be able to resist taking Coalpit home with them too, when they come for you.'
She pats me on the head, tickles behind my ears, and does that hot, breathy snuffly thing between my ears again. I go all gooey, I can't help it. I roll into a demi-ipwod and then stretch further into a full ipwod. She rubs my tummy and, oh oh, I start to dribble. She gives Inda a pat too as he stretches and jumps down off the shelf.
'Now, what's all this mess here girl?'
Ooh, ooh, she's checking out the origami. Maybe now she'll realise how clever I am. But no, she swipes her hand across the shelf and knocks all my creations onto the floor. She kicks the keckoo and the floomy and the tricerapots into the corner.
They're all crushed and crumpled into meaningless wads like the ones Hayoo throws around in her office.
Is she blind? Is she stupid? Huh? My illusions are shattered. I much preferred the dream version. How could she? I shake my head in disbelief.
'Now, some breakfast for you two? And then you can have a bit of a wander around out here,' Miss Steph says.
My disappointment at her flagrant ignorance is instantly forgotten at the mention of food. I lick my lips. This deuxjamb mightn't be big on origami but she really knows how to push the right buttons with me.
The only other thing she doesn't seem to know about is my craving for Vegemice. Hayoo often lets me lick it off her finger or puts a dab on my paw. It's just the most delectable stuff; I could eat it all day so long as I have some yellum to wash it down with. Miss Steph also doesn't know about hardyellum; that's something else I miss about being at home. I most like the really tasty one, but the softer one in the silver-foily is pretty delicious too. But I guess kitzbitz definitely have their place in my diet, especially when I know that's all I'm going to get this morning.
Inda and I have a good stretch and inspect our bowls. Mmm, a different flavour today.
'Oh this is yum,' Inda comments between mouthfuls.
'Mmm, not as good as Vegemice though.'
'What's that? I don't think I've ever had that.'
'You would remember if you had. It's black and sticky and salty and-' Uh-oh, salivating again. 'My deuxjambs have it on their burnt bread in the mornings.'
'Mine don't. They have this horrible brown sticky, lumpy stuff that sticks to the roof of your mouth. I only tried it once; it made my whiskers curl and I nearly choked on it. Awful stuff.'
'Maybe you're allergic to it.'
'Yeah, maybe. Anyway, I'll never try it again.'
'Oh, by the way,' I put my paw on Inda's shoulder, 'you might want to save some of that in case we decide to play dizza later.'
'Huh?'
'Never mind, just don't eat it all at once.'
'Hey Umbi, who was that gorgeous feeli who sang to me? I haven't been introduced properly.'
'Oh, that's Finny, she's a sweetie.'
'I never got to hear the end of the song coz you interrupted her when you realised I was me. Y'know I think I could sing, if someone taught me how. Do you think she'd give me some lessons?'
'I'm sure she would, darling, if you ask her nicely.'
'Ooh hoobydoods, hoobydoods,' he says excitedly.
I suspect he maybe has an ulterior motive, but then if I were a good-looking young lad, I would probably be smitten by the likes of Finny too.
It's only now that I realise our gate is still open and I remember Miss Steph saying we could have a wander around out there. So she's actually given us permission to socialise with the others, which is good coz I'm missing a lot of the gossip down this end of the place.
'C'mon Inda, I'll take you down and introduce you to Finny properly.'
It's obvious he can barely contain his excitement as he starts jigging and dancing around in circles like Gene Katty. He follows me out of the pen and we saunter importantly down the room, flicking our tails in unison and giving a nod to everyone as we pass their spots.
'This is obviously a reward or prize for my cleverness,' I gloat.
'Hmmph, she thinks her grunties don't stink now,' says Zsa Zsa, as we pass by.
'Do you think we should tell her that we all get some time out of our pens at least every other day while Miss Steph's in here cleaning?' Maharani whispers.
Urrgh, she's so good at spoiling the moment. I pretend I didn't hear her.
'Here we are, darling,' I say as we approach Finny's pen.
'Hi Finny, Inda-mine would very much like to ask you something.'
'Hi Inda,' Finny says, fluttering her tail and batting her eyelids. 'What do you want to ask me?'
Inda suddenly goes all coy; an art he's obviously learned from me. 'I, I um-'
'He wants to know if you might give him some singing lessons. I think he thinks he could give Elvis Pussley or Pavacatti a run for their money.'
'Well, every aspiring young singer thinks they're going to be the next Justin Berber. Does he have a strong, deep voice?'
'I don't know, I've never heard him. Inda?'
He shrugs. 'I don't know, I've never tried'.
'Eeeeeeee,' Finny sings in the deepest tone she can muster. 'There, try that, Inda.'
'Eeeeee
eeeeeeeee,' he squeals.
We all quickly cover our ears with our paws. Maharani pulls a constipated face.
'Definitely not a baritone then,' Finny observes, 'but not a soprano either, thankfully. Maybe a tenor or counter tenor. Now try this, Inda. La la la la la la.' Her voice goes up and down like a wave. Inda follows suit, but at a slightly lower pitch than Finny.
'Mmm, good vibrato and resonation and maybe a touch of coloratura which could be enhanced and developed. Seems he's got a good chest too and good lungs; there might just be some promise.'
I have no idea what she's talking about and, looking at Inda, I presume he doesn't either, but he hasn't taken his eyes off her for a second.
'So will you take him on?' I ask.
'Oh, for sure. We'll have to do it tonight though, coz it will be difficult with him being so far down the end. We could start with something simple, like a nursery rhyme, just to test his ability to follow a tune and remember the words. Maybe something like this.' She clears her throat and begins:
Oh Senor Don Gato was a cat!
On a high red roof Don Gato sat
He went there to read a letter
Miaow miaow miaow
Where the reading light was better
Miaow miaow miaow
'Twas a love note for Don Gato
'Oh, that's cute. Is there more? I'd love to hear the rest of it,' Inda blurts.
'Tonight, honey, tonight,' Finny coos.
I'm starting to wonder whether Finny's as smitten with my Inda as he seems to be with her. Maybe they could make wonderful music together; that's if Inda can actually sing. We'll have to wait and see or listen.
'Thanks Finny,' I say and with a gentle nudge I steer Inda further down the building. 'Let's go and visit some of the other guys.
'Hi Beethoven,' I wave. 'Hi Raffles, hi Maharani, hi Colonel, hi Lara.' Inda acknowledges everyone with a nod. 'Hello, Big Dan,' I quirrel in my best erotipuss voice.
'Morning, Miss Juno.' He winks at me.
I swear to God he winked at me!
'Are you enjoying your little outing?' he asks.
'Prrrr yes.'
