A. K. A. Fudgepuddle

by Fin J. Ross

  'You know, we're all quite impressed with your origami. I think you'd have a really good chance if you could get to the competition. Just don't forget us when you become rich and famous.'

  'I hear what you're saying, Dan, but I don't think I'd be any different if I were famous.'

  'Ha, just look at your own jes,' Zsa Zsa butts in. 'A little bit of celebricat and she's already trying to disown you. Do you think fame hasn't changed her?

  'My own umbi and fuddy were the same; quite humble feelis until they became famous. And then they just started to look down their whiskers at everybody else.'

  'What, like you?' Maharani says sarcatically.

  Zsa Zsa chooses to ignore her, flicking her tail with irritation as she inspects her nails.

  'Oh, darn it,' she says, 'I've broken another one'.

  'Hey, why not let me get famous before you worry about how I'm going to deal with it? I don't know, everybody's gotta put their two woozels worth in.'

  I've still got to figure out how I'm going to even get to the contest, let alone think about how I might or might not cope with the fame that is almost certain to follow if I do.

  Inda and I saunter back to our pen to contemplate how we're going to fill in the rest of the day.

  He decides to give himself a PFO, while I finish my breakfast. I remember to leave a few kitzbitz, either for Dizza or just for later on, and then climb up to look out the window.

  I start to ponder my future. If I become famous, I could have tuna or roast queekee-fowl every night, lashings of yellum in a big bowl every day, a veritable wardrobe full of diamante chokey-straps (to outdo Zsa Zsa) and maybe even my very own armchair-cum-scratcher in front of the fire.

  I might even get to travel the world. I could go to London to visit the Queen (whatever that means), I could go to Spain to meet that handsome Don Gato, I could go to Paris to be gay (I've heard that's what they do in Paris).

  And when I'm in Americat for the origami expo, I could go to Catalina Island, visit the real AlCatraz, maybe go north to see the Catskill Mountains and then go south to Mexico and Catapulco. I could try my luck at catching Speedy Gonzalez while I'm there - arriba!

  I could go even further south to Purru and see Lake Titicatcat. Ooh, I could go to Italy where I'd be sure to visit Catania and Catanzaro and I could skip across to Morocco and check out Catablanca.

  Hmmp. My travel plans are interrupted by a red car coming into the carpark.

  'Hoo hoo, red car, red car!' I call out. 'Anyone's deuxjambs have a red car?' I get no answer.

  Except then I hear a soft 'uh oh'. I look around and down to the floor. Inda has a glum look on his face.

  'Do you think it's my deuxjambs?' he asks, a hint of despair in his voice.

  'I don't know, dear, what do they look like?'

  'She's got yellum-coloured hair, although not always, and he's got scratchy fur on his face.'

  I look out the window as the red car opens. Inda couldn't have given a more accurate description of those deuxjambs if he'd been looking out my window too.

  The deuxjambs make their way up the path to the front door. She looks very grumpy and distracted.

  Oh dear, just when everything was going along so nicely. Poor Inda is even going to miss out on his singing lessons. I can feel my heart-throbs tearing. Just when my darling Inda and I were getting to know each other so well.

  'Sorry Inda-mine, it looks like it might be time for you to go.'

  'Oh but I don't want to go, Umbi. I want to stay here with you. Can't I?'

  'I wish it were that simple, darling. But maybe we can visit from time to time now, since we know where each other lives.'

  'It's not quite the same though, is it?'

  'No, it's not,' I agree. I dop him with my head and lick his ears and face, quirrelling as loud as any umbi possibly can.

  We wait for what seems like caternity. Miss Steph and Inda's deuxjambs must be deep in conversation. We can hear their murmurs and, if my ears serve me correctly, I can hear some sniffing and snuffling. Ooh, ooh, they're coming.

  '… to believe this, but just look at the two of them,' Miss Steph says as she enters the big room. 'They've really taken to each other'.

  'Wait a minute,' the lady deuxjamb says. 'That cat actually looks like Coalpit's mother. Remember darling? His mother was a big flabby white and ginger cat, just like that one. Maybe it is, maybe that's why they seem to be getting along so well.'

  'Hmm, whatever,' the man deuxjamb says.

  'Campbell, is her surname Campbell?' the lady deuxjamb asks Miss Steph.

  'Yes, yes it is. Ooh, you might be right.'

  'Well I never. So do you think there's any chance that they might have Coalpit back? That would solve our problem.'

  'Huh?' Coalpit says.

  'Huh?' I say.

  'Well, the best thing I can do is wait for the Campbells to get back and ask them. If you're sure you can't take him, I'll see if I can convince them. They are lovely people so I'm sure if they saw the two of them together, they wouldn't be able to resist taking Coalpit too.'

  'Good, and maybe they'll give me a new name too,' Inda says smartly.

  Then, changing his tone, he says to me, 'I think they don't want me any more, Umbi'. His bottom lip starts to curl and I can see a tear welling in his right eye.

  'I think you might be right. But you said you weren't all that happy there anyway. Just you wait until Darling and Hayoo come back to get me. We'll put on the most pathetic pussano display they've ever seen and there'll be no way they'll leave you behind. Then we can be together all the time.'

  'Ooh, hoobydoods, hoobydoods.'

  The prisoner of AFAQSBan

  'I do have to have one last hug. I mean I can't just leave him behind without saying goodbye,' Inda's lady deuxjamb says in a toffee voice.

  Gee, what a magnanimous gesture.

  She steps into our pen and bends down to pick up Inda.

  'Psst,' I whisper, 'looks like a good time for a schpitzo, dossy.'

  And, as he's being lifted into the air, he winks at me.

  Before I know it, all hell breaks loose; which is worth seeing in such a confined space.

  Inda yarls deafeningly and runs up the she-deuxjamb's arm and, in a grey blur which looks like the linty trap in the turmble-dryer, launches himself off her shoulder, over my head, onto the shelf, and out the window.

  She screams, coz he's left scratch marks all up her arm. Oh, and it appears she's broken a fingernail. The he-deuxjamb is jumping up and down grunting and holding his foot coz the lady deuxjamb has stepped on it.

  Then Miss Steph lets out a roop because she and he have banged heads while she's bending down to help him. I cop an elbow in the face as the she-deuxjamb swings around to try to catch Inda, who by now, of course, has disappeared out of sight.

  I shake my head to try to get my eyes to stop wobbling from the clobbering, and feel like I'm in a Garfield catoon.

  All this and everyone else is cheering in the background.

  'Yeah, you tell 'er,' Humbug calls out.

  'She doesn't deserve you,' Raffles says.

  'Bite her, bite her,' Maharani squeals.

  'Give her what for,' the Colonel says imperiously.

  'Come on you lot, calm down,' Big Dan admonishes.

  'Okay, I get the message,' the she-deuxjamb calls out the window. Then she turns to address Miss Steph. 'He always was a horrid, snarly little creature.'

  'Oh really?' I say.

  'Oh really?' Miss Steph says at the very same time. I swear sometimes she must understand what I say, either that or I can telegraph my thoughts, um, telegraphically.

  'I've found him to be a delightful little thing, she is saying. 'Not a cross word at all - in fact he's very purry and affectionate.'

  I do believe Miss Steph is trying to rub it in now.

  'Hmmp,' the she-deuxjamb says as she turns on her heels and heads for the door.

  'Well good riddance to you,' I call out.

  '
Yeah, scram,' Raffles adds for effect.

  Inda pops his head back in the window. 'And don't come back, pttthhhh.' He jumps down the ramp towards me and we dop heads again. He's so happy he puts his paw up to give me five - but, at almost the same moment, his eyes widen as though someone's trodden on his tail.

  'Oh, no,' he gasps. 'But if I come to live with you, I won't see Arelli any more and she won't know what's happened to me. I didn't think of that.'

  'How far away do you think you live from each other?' Big Dan asks. 'Because now we know where Juno lives and you know where you live, that means you'd both know where Arelli lives,' he suggests.

  'Gee, he's right, Umbi,' Inda nods.

  'Huh? I'm confused,' I admit.

  'Well, if I know where I live and you know where you live, all we have to do is figure out how to get from your place, which is now my new place, to my old place and then you can get to see Arelli too, coz she's just down the road. Get it?'

  'Oh yes, I see.' Not.

  'That's where you need a GPS,' Raffles calls out.

  'What's that?' I ask dumbly.

  'D'oh Umbi, it's a Global Pussycat Searcher!'

  'Well how was I to know that? I've never had one.'

  'All we'd have to do when we get home to your place is type in my old place and it'll show us how to get there. It'll give us the distance and the most direct route and even a rough traveling time; well, for if you're in a car, anyway.'

  'But I don't have one and nor do Darling and Hayoo as far as I know.'

  'It'd be in their car if they do, somewhere up near the bug-squash glass,' Raffles says.

  'Nope, I'm pretty sure they haven't got one of those.'

  'So, you might need a map then,' Raffles suggests. 'I tell you what; Miss Steph has a map in her office, up on the wall. We can check it out later.'

  'Good idea, Raff,' I nod. Then it occurs to me; like a light of boltning. We could find Ori and Sizi the same way. We already know Ori's address and maybe we just have to send Sizi an fmail to get hers and we could have a real reunion, with all the family. Except of course for Erna who's not likely to be able to get here from Hollypudd on the Gold Coast.

  Or Arni; my dear, elusive Arni. Hang on. Maybe Ori or Sizi might know where Arni is.

  That's a thought. I keep having these brilliant thoughts. Why didn't we all think of fmailing Sizi before? Sizi should know where Arni-mine is, if she really is sceptic; um psychit.

  It's a pity it's still a few hours until night because I can see it's going to be a busy one: Inda's first singing lesson, a bit more intercat purrfling, maybe finding Arni and goodness knows what else is in store.

  I feel I should get myself prepared for it. A serious PFO is in order; in fact a CAT (cleanse allover treatment) is the go. The only trouble with this, of course, is that one has to get oneself into all manner of awkward positions. I mean licking your own back isn't something everyone can do; licking your elbows is especially tricky; and licking your own ooti is not as satisfying as some might think.

  And, for some reason, it all seems much more difficult for me than it used to be. I think maybe my tongue has shrunk. Or maybe elbows just get further away the older you get. Who knows? Anyway, I'm going to spend some time this afternoon giving myself the full treatment from my ears to my ooti and beyond to the tip of my tail. Then I'll have a nice long nap so I'll be perfectly fresh for the evening's events.

  'Incoming, incoming,' Rabbit yells.

  Rrrrr, why is it that every time I'm comfortable napping, somebody or something wakes me up? I stretch a bit and crane my head toward the window to see what or who Raffles is going on about. There's a yellow car in the car park, but I've just missed seeing the deuxjamb.

  'It's not your deuxjambs, is it?' Inda asks.

  'No darling, mine have a silver car. Besides I'm not - or hopefully we're not - going until Thursday. Actually, I wish it was them, because I can't wait to get home again. I have my own window in the sun, my own place in bed with Hayoo, my own kackapod, my own everything.'

  'But what about me? Won't you share all this with me?'

  I confess I hadn't thought about that. I really hadn't. What if he gets bigger and hogs the bed? What if he eats all my food and drinks my yellum when I'm not watching? What if he finds all my hidey spots?

  I'll just have to keep him in line, that's all. I am the boss, after all. I'm the umbi in this equation. So no problem. I hope.

  Miss Steph walks in with a carrier in her hand and a pair of youngish deuxjambs - one of each kind - behind her.

  I get a quick glimpse of the new inmate - looks like one of those three-coloured turtlenecks - as everyone starts calling out and welcoming the new arrival. The Colonel, Raffles, Big Dan, Maharani and Zsa Zsa all call out their names like a second-grade roll call.

  'Now I'm sure these surroundings are much more salubrious than where you've come from,' Miss Steph says. The deuxjambs seem to agree.

  'Yes, I mean the pound is clean enough,' the lady deuxjamb says, 'but they sure are jammed in like sardines there. There's not nearly as much space as here. It's just a pity that it's taken us this long to find the perfect cat there; right when we're going on holidays.'

  'Don't worry about that. I'll take good care of her. This might be a good transition for her anyway. She can socialise a bit with some of the other cats and should be very friendly and relaxed by the time you come back for her. Now, I'll pop her in number 27 here. I'm sure she'll be comfortable. Won't you, gorgeous?' Miss Steph says soothingly.

  'She's lucky they've brought her here instead of AlCATraz,' the Colonel remarks. 'That obviously means her new deuxjambs have good taste.'

  The new arrival goes through the usual fussing and fluffing of being settled in but, despite all our welcomes, we haven't heard a peep out of her yet. Maybe she's waiting until the deuxjambs have gone.

  'Hey, you, what's your name?' Maharani whispers. 'I'm Maharani Shani, but you can just call me Maharani. My deuxjambs call me Taya, though.'

  'Hi, Maharani, my name is Purdy, but I'm not sure what my new deuxjambs are planning to call me yet. They've been going through all number or freaky possibilities in the car on the way here. Things like Blossom and Fairy and Agatha, yuck. I've just been adopted if you haven't figured that out already.'

  'So why were you at the AFAQS?' Raffles asks. 'Did you run away from home?'

  'No, I would never have done that. I loved my deuxjamb and she loved me, but she was very sick. I stayed right by her side to the very end, before the noisy deuxjambs came and took her away to Weeras on a rolling bed,' she sniffs.

  'Oh,' Raffles says, and makes no further comment.

  'So how did you end up at the AFAQS?' I ask.

  'My deuxjamb's friend, who used to mind me from time to time, took me there to find me a new home.'

  'Oh, so how long were you there? Were there many other feelis there? What was it like?' I ask.

  'I was there about nine or ten days, but it seemed like much longer because it was sooooooo yawny. There's just nothing to do and everyone is so anxious about whether their own deuxjambs are coming back for them, or whether some other nice deuxjambs will take them home or whether they're going to be sent to Weeras or what's going to happen. So nobody talks much; they're certainly not as friendly there as you lot seem to be.'

  'It sounds positively awful,' I say.

  'Well, it's not that bad; I mean most of the feelis do get to go to either their old home or a new home. But then, of course there's the ones that aren't very pleasant or very pretty, or maybe they're just really old, and nobody wants to take them home.'

  'So what happens to them?' I ask.

  'Well usually they're only there for a few days and then a deuxjamb, one of the ones we see regularly, comes and takes them away and we don't see them again. They're usually kept down the other end of the building; the spot everyone calls Weeras Way.'

  'Oh,' I gasp, 'so they go to Weeras?'

  'Yes, or worse,' Purdy says.

&nbs
p; 'Oh gosh, I hope I never end up there. So how many feelis were there; in Weeras Way I mean?'

  'Hmm,' Purdy thinks, 'three when I arrived, but only one when I left the day before yesterday. He's been stuck in there for at least two weeks. Nobody seems to want him, I guess because he's so big and hairy. He was a great big brute. I could just get a glimpse of him if the door was open and he came to the front of his pen while I was at the front of mine.'

  'So what did he look like?' I ask, not really knowing why I'm so curious.

  'As I said, biiig with glowering green eyes, long shaggy grey fur and a big bushy tail. He was very well spoken though; like he'd been well brought up,' Purdy explains.

  My fur frickles a bit, I lick my lips and I swish my tail; thinking, imagining, hoping it's not-

  'I think his name was Hamish,' Purdy says.

  'Hamish?' I gasp.

  'Yeah, Hamish, or Horace or Humphrey. Something like that.'

  'Oh god, my Hamish! My Hamish the Handsome in Weeras Way. What's happened?' I panic and bolt for my gate. 'Silly fool. How did he end up at the AFAQS? And what if-'

  I throw myself at the gate and rattle it. 'I've got to get out of here, I've got to go and rescue my Hamish.'

  I rattle the gate as hard as I can; so loudly that I only barely hear Big Dan's words.

  'Juno, Juno, calm down, girl. You can't do anything from in here.'

  'I know, I know,' I schpiff, 'that's why I've gotta get out of here. Otherwise it'll be too late.'

  'Umbi, Umbi, who's Hamish?' Inda asks me, prodding me on the back elbows. 'What's the matter?'

  'Never mind dossy, I can't explain now. I just know that I'll never forgive myself if I don't help him. But what can I do from here?'

  'Would you even know where to go, if you weren't in here?' the Colonel asks.

  'I'd find a GSP and look it up.'

  'GPS,' the Colonel corrects.

  'Yeah, one of those. I'd look it up and go there and rescue him.'

  'I hate to kill your enthusiasm,' Big Dan utters, 'but I don't think it would be quite so easy. You'd need help for starters. And what if you got caught? You'd end up in there, too, and your deuxjambs wouldn't be very pleased. I think you need to calm down and think this through. I mean, even if you could get out of your pen now, have you thought about how you're going to get out of the building and then find your way to the AFAQS from here?'