by Jan Hahn
That kiss! Just the memory of his lips upon mine washed over me with such intensity that within an instant my senses yearned for him in the same manner they had last night. I closed my eyes and entered into it, feeling the heat warm my body. And then I was stricken with the almost certain probability that Mr. Darcy had bestowed that same favour on my maid, and I suddenly felt such a chill that I gathered up the rug lying on the seat and wrapped it around me.
You must gain control of yourself and be sensible, I thought. In this world it would not be unusual for a man of eight and twenty to have some experience with women before marriage. Why should I expect Mr. Darcy to be different? But to take advantage of an unlearned girl of fifteen - no, that was insufferable! A man who satisfied himself with his servants was unthinkable. Why, he was no better than that lecherous earl who had employed Jane!
Oh, I could not bear to think of it! I summoned all of my strength and searched the byways outside the carriage for distraction, hoping to see an errant rabbit, a flock of sheep, or even farmers plowing their fields, anything at all that might do the trick. When the vista provided no relief, I summoned all of my determination and attempted to think on Mr. Darcy's good qualities - his generosity, his intelligence and good breeding, his affection for his sister - but like a hateful, slimy demon, fear would do its deed and worm its way back into my head. Thus, around and around my thoughts swirled until without conscious thought, I finally cried aloud, "Enough!"
My outburst awoke Georgiana, but fortunately she did not comprehend what had disturbed her sleep and shortly thereafter, we stopped at a village to change horses. I almost bolted from the coach, so anxious was I to interrupt my thoughts and place my attentions on anything else, anything at all. We both were grateful to stretch our limbs and walked around outside for some time before Colonel Fitzwilliam bade us enter the inn for refreshment.
"We have made good time," he said, as we stirred our tea.
"Yes, we are half-way to Pemberley, are we not?" Georgiana asked. "Even yet, I wish that Wills had come with us. If he fears the contagion of disease for us, should we not fear the same for him?"
"Do not worry about him, Sprout. You know Darcy's too fearsome to get sick. Why, there is not an illness in existence that would dare broach his presence."
Georgiana protested his teasing description of her brother; my reaction was somewhat different - I almost bit my tongue in half to keep from adding my own thoughts to the colonel's depiction.
I was thankful that he was our escort, not only for protection, but because of his amiability with Georgiana. Their good-natured repartee allowed me to remain still. Eventually, I excused myself from their presence and escaped outdoors where I walked up and down in a small wilderness area across from the inn. I reveled in nature and hoped that the trees and grasses might offer respite from the heartache bubbling right below the surface, choking me with its intensity, threatening to erupt in untoward emotion at any time. It was late autumn, however, and now that we traveled northward, I saw the branches almost bare and the grass turned light brown, anticipating winter's approach. Instead of lifting my spirits, the scene only reinforced the surety that my own hopes and dreams that had sprung to life just last night now belonged in the grave.
~ * ~
In spite of my despair, I discovered Pemberley far more than I had ever anticipated and it did much to distract me and lift my mood. From my first glimpse of the house through the windows of the carriage some distance away, I found myself completely enchanted. I had never seen a place so happily situated, and the woods and hills surrounding it were breathtaking in their beauty. Although I was tired from the journey, upon entering the place a new energy possessed me. There was so much to see, so much to take in. Mrs. Reynolds, the housekeeper, met us at the door and I liked her immediately. An older woman and obviously efficient, she seemed to genuinely care for my young sister-in-law and was enthusiastic in her welcome to me and yet perfectly attuned to her place in the household. I sensed that we would work together with little adjustment, for she seemed willing to have a new mistress about the place.
After serving us tea and at my request, Mrs. Reynolds led me above stairs to my chamber. I was all too ready to shed my traveling clothes and have some time to myself. I was also curious as to the appearance of my room and its placement. I followed her down a long, vast gallery, magnificent in design. All along the walls huge portraits of what I assumed were generations of Darcys stared down at me. Toward the end I stopped, my eyes wide, my mouth unconsciously agape at the full-length painting before me - it was him, Mr. Darcy, and with such a smile over his face as I remembered to have sometimes seen when he looked at me. He was beautiful. There was no other word to describe him.
"Is it not a good likeness, Ma'am?" Mrs. Reynolds said. I nodded, for I did not trust myself to speak. "I am sure I know none so handsome as my master and none so kind. I have never had a cross word from him in my life, and I have known him ever since he was four years old."
Indeed! I thought. Well, then, you must sit in on some of my conversations with him.
This was praise most extraordinary and I listened with increasing astonishment as the housekeeper added, "If I were to go through the world, I could not meet with a better. But I have always observed, that they who are good-natured when children, are good-natured when they grow up; and he was always the sweetest-tempered, most generous-hearted boy in the world."
I began to re-think my earlier impression of Mrs. Reynolds. I wondered if perhaps with age, she might be slipping into early dementia. I managed to squelch my thoughts, however, and followed her down the hall, all the while listening to even more praise of this man I thought I knew.
"He is the best landlord and the best master that ever lived; not like the wild young men nowadays, who think of nothing but themselves. There is not one of his tenants or servants but what will give him a good name. Some people call him proud; but I am sure I never saw anything of it. To my fancy, it is only because he does not rattle away like other young men."
She opened a door and stepped back so that I might enter. "This shall be your room, Ma'am. I hope it meets with your approval."
If I had found my chamber in London charming, this room could only be described as magnificent. I literally could not speak at first, for want of taking it all in. From the pale green and rose colours of the draperies and cushions to the luxuriousness of the bedding, the gleam of the furniture, even the paintings on the walls of hills and dales and nature's glory, all of it seemed far more than I could ever live in. As in town, I had a separate dressing room/bath, but even more spacious and equipped with every necessity a woman could desire. The entire suite was much larger than any bedchamber into which I had entered and I endeavoured mightily not to run from corner to corner, pulling open drawers and inspecting closets. Such behaviour would not do in front of the housekeeper.
And then I saw the large inner door on the opposite side of the room. Ah, yes, I thought, this time I know to where that leads. I walked over to it and attempted to disguise my inspection of the doorknob. Sure enough, it did not contain a lock. "Mrs. Reynolds, did the senior Mr. and Mrs. Darcy occupy these same rooms at one time?"
"No, Ma'am, their suites are on the other side of the house. Shortly after your marriage, young Master Darcy wrote and instructed me to prepare these rooms, instead, because there is a fine prospect of the lake from the windows. He wrote to say you were particularly fond of nature and he personally selected the paintings on these walls."
She smiled as though there was great affection between Mr. Darcy and me and of course, I did not contradict her. In truth, I was surprised at the thought that he had taken into such account my preferences and even rearranged our bedchambers so that I would be pleased. How could he be that accommodating and thoughtful on one hand and yet engage in unforgivable behaviour on the other? No, it did not add up.
~ * ~
That night after Georgiana had entertained us for an hour on the pianoforte
, she retired and the colonel and I were left alone in the drawing room. He had excused himself several times during the evening and then returned and I wondered if he had been checking on the surety of our safety. When I asked him, he confirmed my suspicions.
"But do you think that Georgiana is in danger even here?"
"No, but I have been a military officer far too many years not to make certain."
"I still do not understand how anyone could benefit from harming her."
"Harming her would fail to benefit them for sure, but holding her for ransom could prove very profitable."
"Was there a threat of kidnapping, also? Mr. Darcy showed me only the blackmail note."
"No, not as of yet, but if one would attempt blackmail, the thought of kidnapping would not be prohibitive."
"No, of course not," I murmured, suddenly ashamed that I had spent the entire day mourning my own loss when the possibility of such a threat hung over my sister-in-law. "What can I do, Colonel Fitzwilliam, to assist you, to assure Georgiana's safety?"
"Just be with her. Act as though everything is as it should be; give her no reason to be afraid, but know where she is throughout the day. If she leaves the house for any reason, go with her, even if it is nothing more than a walk down to the lake."
"How long shall you remain with us?"
"I have taken an indefinite leave from my post, as my commander knows the situation and he has given me leave to stay until the danger is dissipated. That is, of course, if the Corsican does not expand his present hostilities."
"I am relieved to hear that." I rose and extended my hand. "I shall be glad of your company and your protection. Good-night."
He took my hand and kissed it lightly. "Do not be afraid, Mrs. Darcy. Your husband has the best men on this case and I think he will get to the bottom of it quickly enough and soon be back by your side."
I nodded and left the room. Well, that answered my question about how much the colonel knew of my marriage arrangement. It was evident he believed Mr. Darcy and I happily married. I wondered if Mr. Darcy had confided the truth in anyone? Did he long for a confidante as much as I? Was he as lonely as I was in this strange marriage we had concocted? And then a thought struck me and my heart fell as deeply as an anchor sinks into the sea. He probably did have someone - Mr. Darcy most likely confided in Fiona. If she were his mistress, would he not share the truth of our marriage if only to keep her happy, to assure her that she was the one he truly loved? And yet in my presence she had never let on that she knew; she was skilled at hiding her thoughts, I presumed, with never a hint of jealousy. Well, why should she be jealous? He loved her, did he not?
But did he love Fiona or did he use her? Mrs. Reynolds' words echoed in my mind, "He is the best master that ever lived." The best master would not avail himself of an innocent young maid in his employ. No, it must be love. Surely, Mr. Darcy must love her, but then why had he professed love to me all those months ago and why had he come back after being refused and renew his attentions to me? He truly must have married me only to provide solace for his sister and to provide a legitimate heir for Pemberley.
I was miserable beyond description. If only I had someone in whom I could confide my fears, someone who would advise me, sympathize with me, and tell me what the future held. I thought of writing to Jane and resolved to do so that night so that she would at least know where I was, but even to her I could not reveal my doubts as to Mr. Darcy's character. It would destroy her happiness to learn of my distress. And I wished her to be happy; that was another task I must attend to as soon as Mr. Darcy came. I must make sure he kept his word and told Mr. Bingley of his part in keeping him from my sister. Mr. Bingley must learn that Jane cared for him as much as I was sure he cared for her. One of us deserved to be happily married.
My Aunt Gardiner! I would write to her for advice, for she was the most sensible woman I knew! But then I remembered that I could not bring myself to confide in her when last we met, so how could I do so now?
In my room, I allowed the maid to help me dress for bed and brush out my hair, but after she left, I chose to sit before the fire. I stared into the flames until the logs burned down to ashes, unaware of the passing hours until I began to shiver, suddenly feeling the loss of the blaze. I wrote to neither Jane nor my aunt. I had no one with whom I could be completely truthful, for I could not bear the shame of admitting that I had married such a man. I was alone, completely alone, and I could see nothing but years of loneliness stretch out before me.
~ * ~
The next day I descended the stairs to find that Mrs. Reynolds had lined up the entire household staff for my introduction. The number was so great it appeared much like a small army and as I spoke to each one, I endeavoured to find some way of remembering their names. There were a number of Marys and several named Thomas, and I was much relieved when it was over and Mrs. Reynolds gave me a detailed list with their names and duties outlined. We then went over the household accounts and menus for the week and by mid-afternoon, I was gratified to realize that all day I had not the time to even once dwell on my troubles. Running Pemberley was like presiding over a small town, I decided.
I took my cup of tea and settled myself in a small sitting room overlooking the back park. It was not long before the colonel, who had entertained Georgiana outdoors whilst I was engaged with Mrs. Reynolds, walked toward the window at which I sat, and waved. I returned his greeting with a wave of my own and then smiled to see Georgiana sneak up behind him and place a wildflower behind his ear. She acted far different with him than anyone else. It was as though they were more brother and sister than she and Mr. Darcy. Perhaps she wished he was her brother, but no, it was evident Georgiana loved Mr. Darcy. It appeared hard, however, for her to mature in his mind. She was doing so before our very eyes, for her blossoming figure revealed her coming maturity.
The colonel entered the sitting room then and I offered him a cup of tea, which he readily took.
"Is not your young charge with you?" I asked.
"She has gone above stairs to change her shoes. I should do the same with these boots, as we both wandered into mud unawares." He smiled and did not seem overly concerned about the condition of his footwear. "And how has your day gone, Mrs. Darcy? Are you now thoroughly acquainted with all of Pemberley and its retinue of attendants?"
"Goodness, no, Colonel. I fear it may be some time before I am brave enough to address anyone by name other than Mrs. Reynolds. Right now I cannot even remember what my upstairs maid is called."
"Well, when Darcy returns, he will bring Fiona to replace her."
"Yes," I murmured, surprised that he knew her, much less possessed the knowledge that she would come to Pemberley when Mr. Darcy did. "I did not know that you were aware of my maid's name."
He looked somewhat embarrassed. "Well, when all of that happened...her predicament...Darcy came to me for advice. I knew how fond Georgiana was of the girl. It was a difficult situation to work out."
"What was a difficult situation?" Georgiana asked, upon entering the room.
"Why, the fact that Mrs. Darcy has so many names to remember here at Pemberley," the Colonel said, covering our conversation with surprising ease. "You shall have to assist her, Sprout."
"I shall be glad to, for I know every servant here. Most of them have been in service since before I was born and now some of their children work for us."
"Thank you, Georgiana, I am sure I shall have need to call upon you."
She sat down near me and picked up some embroidery, but then laid it aside without interest. "Richard, shall we not take Elizabeth riding tomorrow?"
"Do you ride, Mrs. Darcy?"
"A little and ill, indeed, I am sure, compared to the two of you. I had little opportunity or inclination to do so at Longbourn."
"We should take her to see the tenants, Richard. I need to check on them since Wills is not here, to make sure none of the babes or grandmothers are ill, and it will be ample opportunity for Elizabeth to m
eet them."
"Oh, dear," I said, sighing, "do you mean there are even more names I must learn?"
"Well, yes," Georgiana replied seriously, "and you have not yet been introduced to the stable hands or grooms, the drivers, and gardeners."
"As long as you are about it, Missy, I suggest that you demand she memorize the names of all the thoroughbreds in the barn, as well." Not the slightest hint of a smile graced the colonel's face.
"Oh, Richard, how you do tease me! Pay him no mind, Elizabeth, for it only encourages him."
We spent the remainder of the evening in good harmony and upon retiring for the night, we made plans to set out the next day on our ride. I crawled into bed that night, feeling slightly better for a change. I had thought of Mr. Darcy very little and I truly liked Georgiana. Perhaps we might even become close, as near to sisters as possible in such a situation. I looked forward to the morrow with a somewhat brighter outlook.
~ * ~
The horse Colonel Fitzwilliam selected for me was a beautiful roan mare, her red coat sleek and shiny. He assured me she was gentle and so I allowed the groom to assist me in mounting; sure enough, she responded easily to my every command and my confidence grew as the three of us set off on our tour. The countryside abounded in glorious autumnal reds and golds mixed in among the evergreens. I inhaled the aroma of the rich earth in the fields that had been plowed under since the harvest. Pemberley was a vast estate, larger and grander than the Gardiners had described, and greater than I had ever dreamed of.
We rode for most of the day with brief stops at various houses wherein Georgiana amazed me with her ease in greeting the folk. She inquired as to their needs, gracious in her introduction of me. It was apparent she had done this kind of thing all her life and that her father or brother had trained her well. She genuinely cared for the people; there was no pretense of compassion; indeed, I had never seen the slightest pretense about the girl since we had first met. My esteem for her blossomed more and more.
