“I love you, Dionne,” he gasped out of breath. “I’ve always loved you.” He fought to catch his breath as he lowered his tousled head to her shoulder.
She slowly smiled as she held him close, awestruck that she could still feel him pulsating as he continued to empty inside her.
“I know,” she purred with a languid smile, closing her eyes.
He raised his head to look down at her flushed face, and she opened her eyes to smile up at him, but something in his intense gaze made her smile fade.
“No,” he said quietly. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Aidan,” she said, searching his eyes with a confused look.
“I don’t think you heard me,” he said, looking increasingly grave. Even stern. “I love you like a brother loves a sister. I love you like a guy loves a gal. I love you like a lover loves a lover. This is a big thing for both of us. I want you to know I know that, and that I love you.”
“I . . . I know that.”
He arched a black brow. “You sure?”
“Yes,” she said, nodding. “I’m sure.”
He didn’t look convinced, but he nodded nevertheless. “Okay,” he finally said. “I just want you to know I’m serious about this. About us.”
“Us?”
“Yeah, Dionne,” he said. “Us.” His face softened. “You need to know this isn’t just a fling for me. I need you to understand that. I’ve wanted you for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was little, actually. And I’ve always known you loved me, too. We were destined to be together. You know you were different with me than you were with the others, Dionne. Everyone knows you loved me different than you did them.”
“I guess I did.”
“You know you did,” he said a little bossy. “Maybe you didn’t see it then, but I did. And everyone else did, too,” he said quietly. “I knew early on we belong together.”
We belong together?
“Aidan,” she began, licking her suddenly dry lips, “how can you be sure this isn’t just—” She caught herself and swallowed. “How can you know you really feel this way for me?”
“Because I know I’m in love with you, Dionne. That’s how. I also know I want us to be together. I want us to be together for the rest of our lives.”
She stiffened and went speechless hearing his words. She stared up at his earnest, handsome face, but she slowly began to shake her head. “No. You-You, uh, might only think you’re in love with me on account we just had fantastic sex—”
“—That’s not true.” He now frowned with a rigid jaw. “I know the difference. I’ve fucked a lot of girls, Dionne. I know casual sex just for fun. This isn’t anything like that. This is deeper. So, don’t patronize me, okay—?”
“—I’m NOT patronizing you!”
“—because I know the difference even if you can’t bring yourself to believe me.”
She didn’t want to admit it, but it kind of stung to hear about his other dalliances. It actually hurt. It was then when she became aware Aidan had yet to pull out of her. She frowned, hurting more than he could know when she heard him almost boast about his past romps. In fact, it was really beginning to piss her off.
“Aidan,” she said more sternly than she intended. “Get off of me.”
But he didn’t even flinch!
“Aidan, damn it! Get off of me—!”
“—Not until I hear you say you’re in love with me, too. I know you love me, too, Dionne. Now I need you to hear yourself say it because I don’t think you get what’s going on here,” he said with narrowed eyes.
“You’re being ridiculous—!”
“—Am I?” he cut her off. “I know you want to run away again. I know you’re going to try and pretend nothing happened just like you did before. But I won’t let you this time, Dionne. I’ll keep on you until you finally admit to me, and yourself, that you want me, too! Why not get it over with and just admit it now? Why not make things easier on the both of us, and admit you want me, too—”
“—WHY?!” she finally broke. “Because that’s what YOU want?? What Aidan Boyd van Nuys wants, Aidan Boyd van Nuys gets? Is that it?”
“Don’t,” he said. “Don’t pick a fight with me so you’ll have an excuse to hate me just because you’re too afraid to accept I love you, and you love me, too—”
“—You’re eighteen for chrissakes! What do you know about love?”
She frowned when she realized she couldn’t close her legs. To her surprise she discovered that, although he was flaccid, he was still securely inside her. “Listen . . . can you at least let me up so we can talk like civil people?”
He ignored her.
“I might only be eighteen, Dionne, but I know a LOT about love. Were you interested enough to pay attention, you would’ve seen I’ve been suffering being in love with you for years now.”
She slowly frowned as her temper rose. “You’re confusing lust for love, Aidan. They might feel the same, but they’re totally different—”
“—Again,” he cut her off harshly. “Don’t patronize me,” he ground out through gnashing teeth. “I’ve been with more girls than you’ve been with guys, okay? You were still a virgin for crying out loud!” She went stiff, but he ignored it. “You think you can lay there and preach to me the difference between random fucking and making real love—?”
“—Making real love??”
“—I don’t think you’ve earned that right,” he finished, undisturbed. “I might only be a couple of years younger than you, but I’m a whole helluva lot more experienced!”
“Then ponder this one, Mister Experience,” she said, no less upset than he was. “When your dick’s still inside one woman, is it really a mature, let alone smart, thing to do to remind her of the other women you’ve been with? Seriously?”
His lips tightened when he realized his mistake. It was a stupid and dumb mistake a more experienced lover would never make. It was up there with whispering another lover’s name in the throes of an orgasm. Not a good thing.
“I’m-I’m . . . sorry. I was upset and I wasn’t thinking,” he finally admitted.
She knew he meant it, and she knew he was remorseful. The telltale blush creeping up under his tanned cheeks said as much.
“It’s all right,” she sighed, exasperated. “You’re not the only one doing things without thinking.”
“Dionne?”
“Yes?”
“But my stupidity doesn’t change the fact that I really do love you,” he said in earnest as he gazed deeply into her eyes. “There’s no doubt in my mind. There never has been. I just wish you’d believe me. I wish you could love me back the way I love you,” he said softly. “I wish . . . if only you could stop having such a problem with being with me, because I don’t know what to say or do to convince you anymore. I’ve reached the end of my wits. I’m out of options. But I can’t stop wanting you.” He looked sad. “Help me, Dionne. Help me find a way to convince you this is real. That this is love.”
He finally moved and pulled out of her.
She sat up, pulling knees to her chest. She turned her head away, keeping her lashes down. She self-consciously tugged up her bra over her breasts, and hugged her knees to her, not seeing her brother’s jaw go rigid as he looked over his shoulder.
What she didn’t know was, her body language told him she was withdrawing, and this frustrated him. Without another word, he snapped around and went into her bathroom.
Dionne heard the faucets go in the distance, almost coming to her through a tunnel. She didn’t even hear the faucets close. She was lost in deep, troubled thought. There was so much to think about, so much to absorb, because her emotions were every which way now. The reality of what happened came crashing down on her like a ton of bricks. There were still too many questions left unanswered.
When he returned, he saw she still hadn’t moved. She seemed frozen in time, deep in thought. He stopped in the doorway of her bathroom and felt as if he were nailed to floor,
when everything inside him wanted to stalk over to her and grab her tightly in his arms. But he was helpless to do much else than stare at her. He was becoming increasingly afraid she might have that change of mind again.
The rigid slant to his jaw revealed he was still upset, but seeing her with that dreamy look softened his gaze. He couldn’t help it. He loved Dionne. He’s always loved her, and he would always love her even if she couldn’t love him back the way he so desperately wanted.
“What are you thinking about, Dionne?” he asked softly.
She didn’t hear him. She was too far away with her thoughts, caught in a prison of immense confusion and guilt, because with painful clarity of mind, she realized she was the one who had made this all happen. She was the one at fault. Aidan was blameless. She after all, was the eldest and supposedly the wisest between them. And she failed him as a mentor, as his big sister . . . as a woman.
Worst of all . . . she failed herself.
Then she heard the door close behind him as he left, and only then did she raise her head, and she realized she was weeping when tears rolled down her face. With trembling fingers, she quickly wiped them away, and got up before she disappeared in her bathroom.
She started this . . . and she would have to see it to the finish.
**~~**
Final Chapter: In Their Own Words
How long ago has it been? It feels like a dream I once had long, long ago. It was a recurring bad dream I’ve now been able to wake up from, and what I’ve been able to escape . . .
After Aidan and I made love that fateful afternoon, I recall not being able to look at him. I recall never having felt so timid, so weak, and as insecure as I did that day. I was so torn. So conflicted.
On one hand, I had wanted to jump off the bed and run for the hills because of the pain I knew I’d inevitably have us suffer. On the other hand, I wanted nothing more than to shout it from the top of my lungs that I loved him, too, and that the world and everyone in it could go to hell just as long as we were together.
I had wanted to chase him down, throw my arms around him, and hold him as tightly as he’d held me because I knew, after having experienced his sweet and tender love-making, Aidan, my adopted brother, would forever be my one and only love.
Everything inside me rebelled against my choices from there on out. I kept telling myself I had to listen to my better angels. But I won’t lie. It was so hard. So hard. I knew he was worried about which university he wanted to attend, and I knew we couldn’t keep living under the same roof, pretending nothing had changed.
I didn’t want to put anymore undue pressure on him or myself. I knew I should have stopped being with him that afternoon, but I found myself on auto pilot, allowing my emotions, back then, to guide me.
In retrospect, no matter how painful, my choice proved to be what we both needed.
We had continued with our secret love up until the time Aidan was accepted to Rice University in Houston, Texas. They had the best curriculum for architecture. He didn’t want to go that far away, but I helped changed his mind. Using his love for me, I worked him until he finally changed his mind and accepted the scholarship.
Aidan had always wanted to be an architect, and I knew Rice University was where he should be to achieve his lifelong dream.
I really didn’t want him to go, either. I really didn’t. But then I remembered Mom telling me when I was a child, love was all about giving. Not taking. If I truly loved Aidan the way he deserved, I couldn’t stand in his way of fulfilling his dreams.
However, knowing Aidan, he wouldn’t leave me if I didn’t persuade him in some way. But no matter what I had tried in order to convince him to go, he wouldn’t. Even when he had received full scholarship to Rice, he didn’t seem the least bit interested, so I had to work on him.
But it wasn’t easy.
Aidan, being the possessive type, wouldn’t trust me to be away from him. He would have either wanted me to come with him, or he just wouldn’t go. I knew I couldn’t let either happen. I knew I would be standing in his way and I’d be a diversion rather than an asset to him and his future. The pressure would ultimately do us both in. I couldn’t do that to him or to myself.
For a short but sweet time, when we were lovers, I felt beautiful. I felt worthy. And I felt all these things with Aidan, and only Aidan. He was the only person in my life I’d ever felt closest to. He was the only person in my life I have ever trusted, and through whom I’d lived vicariously.
When we were younger, and he was invited to the exotic vacations with well-to-do friends, from trips to the Catalina Islands, to a week at Aspen, to Spring Break in New Orleans, I was there with him, too. Every step of the way.
I was too shy to do these things on my own, but Aidan did it all, and when he told me about his adventures, I experienced them all with him. I could feel his joy and excitement as much as he felt them. But the most touching moments were when he would quietly confess he’d missed me all throughout.
I was happy to listen to his adventures. They brought excitement in my otherwise ho-hum life, but after we’d made love that fateful evening, I knew things had changed. Our relationship had changed. Even after the many times I went down to his room to be with him after that evening, I never shook off that sense of dread that I was doing him more harm than good.
When I began to notice he wasn’t the least bit interested about going to Texas anymore, I knew it was time to help him over the threshold into adulthood, as he helped me over into womanhood. And I used his love for me to do it. Even though it was quite possible he would never forgive me for that trick, I knew he would one day, at least, understand.
I’ve always been afraid of change, so this scheme terrified me. Yet, it is a statement of fact that you can’t turn back the hands of time. I was older and it was expected of me to be wiser. So I had to find a way to make him go to university even if he refused to.
I recall that evening when I made that choice. I believed Aidan had gone to see Shawn who was having trouble with his car again. I was at home, relaxed, with my arms folded behind my head, sitting in my bay window.
I’d just showered because it had been such a hot and sweaty day, and I knew I’d go downstairs and be with him tonight again. But making love with Aidan was the furthest from my mind at that moment. I was troubled, staring out of my window while thinking things over because I discovered I had a lot to think about. A lot.
From my high perch, I had stared at the lights of downtown Pasadena in the distance. They were winking at me, as if to give me courage to make the choices I knew I had to make. I could see the headlights of cars driving over the 210 Freeway, and I could even spot the Santa Anita Mall and the Santa Anita Racetrack, knowing Aidan was out there somewhere close, with Shawn, who lived in that area.
I don’t know how long I had been there, alone with my thoughts, but I was awakened from them when a brief knock sounded on my door.
“Dionne?” I heard Mom’s gentle voice.
She was standing in the doorway with her pearl white sweater over her shoulders. I remember that sweater. It was the one she always wore when she and Dad were planning to go out for the evening. Even to this day, although she’d since bought a newer one, she’d always wear that pearl white sweater whenever she and Dad went out for an evening.
“Yes, Mom?”
“Helmut is downstairs in the living room. Did you forget he’d be coming today?” she asked.
“Oh, um, I guess I did forget,” I recall answering.
I wasn’t sure if that were the case, but with so much on my mind those days, it wasn’t inconceivable for me to forget things like that. It turned out I didn’t forget. There was no date. Helmut had defied his methodical ways, and came to the house unannounced.
Mom had followed me down the stairs as I wondered why Helly was there.
“Dad and me are taking your brothers and sisters to the new Miniature Golf Course that just opened in El Monte,” Mom said behind me. “Maybe you
two would like to come, too?”
“Maybe next time,” I recall answering. I really didn’t want to go out. “Helly and I need to talk,” I added just as I finished the stairs, stepping onto the wooden floor of the main hall.
At that very moment, I recall Aidan had stepped out of the door of his basement room. My heart had skipped a beat because he looked so painfully handsome in his black and white extended collar shirt over a pair of black denims.
I had no idea he was home, but as if my prayers were answered, I found the answer to my dilemma when it was clear I needed to have him home because the plan I saw unfold in my mind, the one to convince him to go to Texas, came to me on a silver platter.
I smiled quickly and he smiled back. I could see he was a bit perturbed Helly was there, but I didn’t have much time to linger on that. I turned on bare feet, and went into the living room to greet Helmut. Mom stayed back to inform Aidan they were going to take the younger kids out, and asked him, too, if he wanted to join them.
I didn’t hear his answer as I entered the living room. I had hoped he wouldn’t. We needed to talk. But first, Helmut.
“Hello, Helly!”
Helmut had been eyeing yet another one of Aidan’s swimming trophies, but he turned when he had heard my chipper greeting. I recall being astonished by the way he was dressed. In addition to visiting unannounced, he was dressed more casual than I’d ever seen him.
He chose a casual, white pair of men’s shorts with a broad blue stripe down the sides, and a white golf shirt that was tucked into the waist. Sport socks and white Nikes completed his unusually casual ensemble.
What was going on with him?
“A new look?” I had commented, not accustomed to seeing Helmut in anything other than slacks and dress shirts.
“Do you like it?” he asked as he smiled with twinkling, and hopeful, gray eyes.
“Yes.” I smiled. “You really do have nice legs. You should show them more often.”
I had led the way to the dining table the family rarely used unless it’s for special occasions. I had a feeling this would be a special occasion, too. We took our seats, and I recall looking curiously at him.
Loving Siblings: Aidan & Dionne Page 18
