Chapter Seven
Gabriel
I cannot allow this. It is more than enough that the guy has to be in class with her, able to spend time, walking; talking; laughing and whatever else humans enjoy doing when they spent time in each other’s company. He didn't need to take her on a date. That exceeded the levels of what I could tolerate.
Jealousy.
That is what they call what I am experiencing. I hate it. No, hate is not a strong enough word for what I feel for this. I loathe it. I am beginning to understand better than anyone just why Father had made it so angels did not feel, because this was causing me more than a little bit of discomfort. It is throwing me off completely. I was practically seething after Serenity had gotten off the phone with him and it was showing no signs of simmering down in the moments after.
It is not lost on me that the reason any of this is able to happen at all is because I had done as Father asked of me and stayed away from her. She had every right to be upset given my earlier statement about never leaving. I never left her, but because I did not speak with her, she had no way of knowing different. Then there was the way she had accused me of lying to her, something I have no familiarity with. I heard of it of course, but I am unable to do it. She didn't know that and unless I told her everything, there is no way I could prove it to her. Just another thing to add to the list of things about this entire situation that irritated me.
I had done the unthinkable. There was no way around it. I had begun to fall for my charge. If I had trouble realizing it before, it is so painfully obvious now that it may as well have a big neon sign glowing above it. I am experiencing a great deal of conflicting emotions regarding this, none of which I knew how to cope with. I am literally braving a new world.
Not speaking with her made what I believed to be the place my heart resided ache. I was jealous at the mere thought of another man being anywhere near her. Knowing she was upset with me left me feeling as if I had been on the receiving end of a firing squad aimed directly at my stomach.
How did humans deal with this on a consistent basis? I am now beginning to understand the art of one pulling their hair out in times of extreme duress. I just want it all to stop.
You know how you can make it stop.
It is true. I did know how to make all of this end, but it is a choice I am not willing to make. Even knowing that there is now another guy on the scene, one that could be there for her and protect her, I could not bring myself to take the step back and ask Father to replace me. It was completely bleeding over into the undertaking and I did not even care.
For the first time in my life I am experiencing what it feels like to be selfish and I found that I liked it. I would not leave her. Not even when the time came for her to take her rightful place.
In Heaven we all have one angelic being that is made specifically for us. It is the better half of us. A combination of the parts that we could not be and the parts we most desired. We would all meet our counterparts when the time was right and with as much time that has passed since my creation, I still had yet to come across mine.
Michael found his, Raphael as well, shortly after him and if what I noticed before I had been sent on the mission was any indication, Uriel would not be far behind.
Serenity is mine. I know it as easily as I know my own purpose. That is why I was going through all of these changes. I am adapting to the form she was presented to me in. If this had been happening in Heaven, it would have been much simpler, but because it was happening on Earth, it had to present itself in the purest of human forms.
By now Father has to know what is happening, there could be no way of hiding it, especially when it is of this magnitude. I knew it was only a matter of time before he called me home and pulled me away from Serenity all together, all in the name of the mission he wanted to see reach its end.
As much as I feared his wrath when the time came for me to go home, it wasn't enough to stop me from taking the next step. I have to follow through with this. I was powerless against it even though I am one of Heaven's most powerful beings.
I knew then what I had to do. It was the only way.
I had to leave her for a period of time. Given that we hadn't spoken since earlier that day, I was sure she would not even notice I was gone given how quickly I could move through space and time. I did not want to leave her unguarded, but I was going to have to trust that nothing would happen in my time away. This is for her anyway. I am going to give her the one thing she wanted from the very start.
I am going to let her see me.
Serenity
2:34 AM
Sleeping is pointless.
I’ve been trying since midnight to fall asleep and failing miserably. Emma passed out sometime toward the end of the third movie in our critique marathon and I'd just lain there on her bed watching in silence. When I finally moved over to my own, falling comfortably into the memory foam mattress, I thought sleep would be swift. I was wrong.
I sensed the occasional restless spirit making their way around the room and the odd time they would say something to me, but it ended quickly once they realized I was in no mood to answer them. So while earlier in the night had been pretty quiet, here I was now, cold, alone and unsure of what to do to change it.
My thoughts kept going back to my talk with Gabriel and how I ended things. That wasn't me. What I said had been a knee jerk reaction to being left alone. Being abandoned, even in the smallest form isn't something I deal with very well. It always reminds me of my father. It brought back memories I'd rather not face.
I was used to not being on the radar for most people, I’d come to terms with it a long time ago, but I thought things had been different with him. Had he really meant it when he said he hadn't really left? That he had been there with me even if he’d been silent?
My heart wants to believe him, but my head wasn't having any part of it. For as long as I’ve been alive people have lied to me, left me and let me down. I have a hard time believing that Gabriel is any different. Sure he’s a voice in my head, one that had spent a lot of time with me, but at the end of the day did that make him any less like the other people that had created so much damage in my life? I was having a hard time believing that it did.
Then there's this thing with Ryan. Some random guy shows up in my class and by the end of the night we sort of have a date? I mean, where did that come from? The girl that up until now had only had two people in her life she would even consider her friends had suddenly come out of her shell long enough to begin something with a third?
Sad reality is, I'm looking forward to seeing him and being normal for a change. My entire life all I’ve ever wanted is to be a normal girl. The one that gets dressed up, goes on dates and genuinely has a good time as much as possible. I’ve craved that for as long as I can remember and now here I am, right on the cusp of achieving it and I'm finding myself excited at the possibilities. Maybe I didn't have to be the freak that heard voices anymore. Maybe I could be Serenity, the girl who can speak to the dead and still go out and party her ass off.
I must be tired, because that is definitely not possible.
Just suck it up and call to him. You can end all of this right now if you just give in and ask for help.
Yes, he could help. He’s the only one that could put the on switch in my brain into a permanent off position, but I couldn't do that. Not after the things I said. There had been truth behind my words, at least a little bit. I couldn't be this attached to a voice, it wasn't healthy. I need the break from him just as much as I’m sure he needs it from me. I’d become so dependent on him to calm me that I'd forgotten how to manage it on my own.
I needed to learn how to do that again. I was the only real defense I had. Even if what he said was true and he’s there with me always, I couldn't keep using him to make myself feel better. It wasn't right.
It was all so cut and dry in my mind. I would leave Gabriel alone and learn how to handle my own iss
ues on my own. That’s not at all what happened though. As right as everything sounded in my head, I caved and did what my heart wanted me too.
Closing my eyes, I focus on the way I feel when we’re together and I call out to him. It’s time to find out if Gabriel really is true to his word. Laying back down in the bed, I do the only thing I can now.
I wait.
Holding On To Heaven Page 12
