Chapter Twenty-Nine
Serenity
I'm not entirely sure when it happened or even how, but somewhere along the way, after explaining everything to Graham, we’d both fallen asleep on Emma's bed. It’s only when she came slamming through it in the wee hours of the morning, making as much noise as humanly possible that I woke up and realized just what happened.
An entire day seemed to pass after I walked away from English Lit and the rest of my classes in a desperate attempt to run away from the man I’m now sharing a bed with.
“Well this explains why I didn't see you the rest of the day.”
“It's not what it looks like.” I choke out, my voice dry and still riddled with sleep. As she rolls her eyes in my direction I focus on the fact that I wasn't the only one in a shady position. Emma obviously stayed out the entire night, which meant she spent the night in another’s bed. Calling her on it would surely take the heat off the way this looked.
“Where have you been?”
“A party. I drank too much and passed out there. Now though, I need my bed and a day off from classes, so if you and Romeo don't mind, can I get on with it?”
Sitting up, I nudge him in the arm, hoping I wouldn't have to do something more drastic to wake him up. Having Emma catch us this way is bad enough, I didn't need to do anything to make it worse. As he stirred under my fingers, I rose up, slipping my body over his, chills running down my spine as our bodies connected. This must be the soul-mate connection, something I’ve felt on more than one occasion but am paying extra attention to now.
“Wait, is that who I think it is?”
“Depends.” I say, standing and wiping my hands over my clothes, smoothing them out. “Who do you think it is?”
“Well considering everything you told me about what happened with you and Mr. Wonderful the other day, I assumed I’d find you with him, but that is definitely not Ryan.”
“No, you're right. It’s not Ryan.”
“When were you going to tell me Graham was here?” Emma asked, as we watched him stir in the bed.
“Well since he only got here yesterday, I suppose now.”
“Oh shit.” He said, interrupting our conversation as we watched him become more aware of his surroundings. “How long was I out?”
Emma winks at me with a smile before moving closer to where Graham is now beginning to sit up on her bed. “Awhile from the looks of that bed head. I just wanna say, I could definitely get used to you waking up in my bed.”
“Ems!” I squeal, my cheeks heating up, turning a whole new shade of red in the process. This is something new to me, having my best friend catch me with a guy. I’m not entirely sure how to act. It’s made even worse by the fact that we’d been caught in her bed.
“What? You know you were thinking it.”
“Well I'm glad I can entertain you ladies, but I think I've overstayed my welcome.” Graham says with a smirk, pulling himself off the bed and moving slowly to where I’m standing. “Sorry about the bed, Emma.”
“Oh, don't be. I think I'm going to like sleeping there now, what with the smell that's wafting off you.”
Reaching out as he makes his way past her, she slaps his ass, which causes my cheeks to burn again, turning away quickly so neither of them would see it. I’m being reminded of just how different Emma and I really are again. I would never be able to do what she’s doing with Graham right now. I didn't have it in me. Higher calling or not.
“Well glad I can be of service. I do aim to please.” he answers with a laugh before turning to face me and lowering his voice. “Grab coffee with me?”
“Of course. We should let Emma have the room. With the night she had, it seems she needs it more than I do anyway.”
Turning back to her, Graham smiles one last time. “Enjoy the bed Emma, I know I did.” He winks then, causing Emma to break out in a fit of giggles and me to blush again. There could be no denial of what he was implying, which meant the next time Emma and I were alone, I wouldn't hear the end of it.
“Hey Ser, you think you can come back and wake me up before Psych later? I don't care about missing any of my other classes, but the professor will fry me if I miss that class again.” Emma asks, the giggle fading off leaving only a smile behind.
“Of course.”
As Emma made herself comfortable in bed, using a couple of minutes to clean myself up, complete with a new outfit and a quick finger brush of my teeth, we made our way out of the room towards the coffee shop.
We walked in silence until we reached our destination and more than once I wondered what’s on his mind. He’d taken everything so well last night that in the light of a new day, I wondered how he was handling it.
“Is everything alright, Ser?” he asked, his voice light.
“Yeah I'm fine. Just thinking.”
“Hold that thought. I'm going to go and grab us drinks and then you can tell me everything.”
As I watch him walk away, I let the fear set in again. Knowing what I did now about us and how revered it is in Heaven, I had to wonder if this life really would end up like the others before it. Would we lose each other this time too? Given what my destiny is, I’m inclined to believe it would. No matter what side I end up on at the end of the day, it would mean changes to my life, ones that he can't be a part of.
Then there’s Ryan. I may have been able to deny things to Gabriel, but the same couldn't be said for Graham. I wouldn't lie to him, not when knowing everything, he stood by me. I owe him the truth always, even when it might mean hurting him. He may very well be my soul-mate, but there’s a connection between me and Ryan that went deeper than just wanting to save him.
There it is again, the doubt. My mind wanting to believe Ryan to be that guy, the other half of my soul. He just seems to fit better with the image I conjure of it. With that being the way my mind works, it means that in helping him, I would also be saving a part of me.
We’re so much alike and I really believe that it wasn't because Ryan faked it the way Gabriel claims. No, we are two sides of the same coin. We were bonded together because of that, but also through our need to do the right thing even if it’s wrong to do it. Ryan may be a demon, at least in part, but he’s also human too, which means he can be redeemed. He can change sides and want a better end then the one set for him.
“Penny for your thoughts.”
As I look up and meet his gaze, I smile, before taking the second cup from his hands and motioning towards the tables to the left of us. If he really wants to know what’s on my mind, then I’m going to make damn sure he’s comfortable while doing it. Well, as comfortable as someone can be with the brisk wind that’s blowing around us, a sign of the season, which still remains my favorite.
“They probably aren't worth that much.”
“I doubt that. Now what's going on in that pretty head of yours?” he asks, taking his seat across from me.
“Last night. What all of this means for us and some other stuff too.”
“What other stuff?”
“There's something we need to talk about. I just don't think you're gonna want to hear it.”
“That sounds bad. Look, as long as it doesn't have to do with soul-mates and destiny, I think I can handle it. I’ve had my fill on those things though.”
I don’t blame him. I had more than enough of them and I was the one they were about. As accepting as he seems to be about hearing me out though, I know that once he knew everything, things would change. There’s no way with what I’m about to say that it couldn’t. He is a guy after all.
“It's about Ryan.”
Judging from the way his face contorts my suspicions are correct. He doesn't like him which means he’s definitely not going to like where this is going.
“Before you came back, something happened between the two of us. Well, something’s been happening for a few days, but I think you get the idea.”
“Did you sleep with him? Is that what you're trying to tel
l me?”
“No! It’s nothing like that. This isn't about sex, Graham.”
He doesn’t believe me. After having the innate ability over the years to be able to see deception through facial expressions, I know the look that Graham wears now very well. He’s having a hard time believing that this isn’t about sex.
“I connected with him. He hears voices and well, he can talk to me the same way Gabriel can. I'm sure we have even more than that in common, but it’s that stuff we bonded over. I care about him.”
“Care how?” he asks, slowly drawing the words out, almost as if he was readying himself for what I might say. “Are you in love with him?”
This is it. The point where I admit not only to Graham but also to myself what I know to be true. That yes, I do think I love him or at the very least am beginning to, though given my lack of experience in that department it’s hard to say just how much I feel. Sighing loudly, not wanting to hear myself say the words out loud I just nod. It was going to have to be enough.
“Fuck” he swears under his breath. “You fell in love with a fucking demon?”
He wasted no time showing his disapproval, the exact reaction I expected. I knew he would never understand how I felt and what had happened over the course of as many days to create this feeling inside me. There’s really nothing I can say that will make him understand either, which is depressing.
“What did you expect to happen, Graham?”
“It wasn’t that.”
“We haven’t seen each other in two years. While I didn’t really think about dating much during that time, it doesn't mean that I'm wrong for doing it. I didn't know he was a demon when this started. I know what you and Gabriel believe him to be, but I see him differently.”
“Of course you do, he created himself in a way you can't resist. You let him take advantage of you.”
While I understand how he feels, he’s taking it too far. There’s no way I’m going to allow him to sit here and blame me for having feelings for someone else, soul-mate or not. I might’ve spent my life allowing people to treat me like shit, but that isn't going to happen anymore. Call it a reflex of the revelation about my life or whatever, but I’m not the same girl. Not by a long shot.
“I didn’t let him to do anything. The only thing I'm remotely guilty of is giving a damn and feeling something other than crazy for the first time in my life.”
“You really don't see it do you, Ser? Gabe was right all along.”
What the hell did any of this have to do with Gabriel? Despite what he believes himself to be where I’m concerned, he has nothing to do with what I feel for Ryan, other than stepping back and allowing it to happen, which to me wasn't a bad thing.
“Does it even matter to you that while he may be a demon, he's also human?” I seethe out quietly as I watch people make their way past us and not wanting the audience. “He feels something between us too, which is why he's determined to go against Lucifer’s plan. He doesn't want me to reach that part of my destiny. He wants to protect me from it.”
Graham’s eyes grow big and I immediately wonder why.
“That's what Gabe meant last night when he said he would help you if you kept your mouth shut about what we were to each other. You asked him to help Ryan!”
“Yes. In order to protect me, we need all the power we can get. Ryan isn't happy about it, but he let me call Gabriel for help. With how he feels about me I was pretty sure he would agree to help. As you can see, there were strings attached.”
“He was right when he came to me. Even though he kept the truth from us, he was right. He wanted to protect you from the darkness, but at the time he couldn't figure out what that was. He came to me because he thought I'd be able to save you before you made a stupid mistake. Obviously we were both too late for that one.”
Not knowing where it came from, but guided by a force larger than myself, I reach across the table and slap him, his final words leaving the worst kind of taste in my mouth. How dare he accuse me of making a stupid mistake when he waited over two years to come back and admit how he felt? If anyone made a stupid mistake, it had been him, but I would never be so callous as to accuse him of it.
“You know, I thought that in order for you and me to sort through everything, I would take a chance and tell you the truth. I can see now that it was stupid of me. Just forget I said anything.”
Two years ago, it would pain me to walk away from him this way, but now it’s something I have to do. If he isn't willing to hear me out, instead choosing to make me feel bad for the way I feel, I can’t be around him anymore.
Ryan had been the first person in two years to make me feel something other than loathing. There’s no way I’m going to let Graham belittle it and make it seem like something other then what it is.
As I walk away I make a decision. I don’t need Gabriel and I damn sure didn't need Graham and his judgment. I’m going to help Ryan and I’m determined to do it on my own. No one is going to determine my own fate but me.
I can hear him calling my name as I put more distance between us, but I wasn’t about to break and give him the satisfaction of turning around. If his goal had been to hurt me then he succeeded. I wasn't going to allow him the chance to get a real look at the damage he inflicted. Swiping at my eyes as the tears fell, I picked up my speed from a walk to a run.
I ran as fast and as far away as I could, not caring where I ended up. The only thing I know is that it has to be far away from here.
Holding On To Heaven Page 46
