by Galen Wolf
"Yes - me."
"What - you'll jump?" Morah said, scornfully. "You'll never make it."
"Have you ever heard of Faith?"
"Ah, faith - I've heard of it; it's for dolts," Morah said.
"Well I have faith."
"Foolish girl." There was silence. Then Morah indicated the gaping abyss in front of them. "Go on then, believer."
Gaijann put his hand on Torina's shoulder to hold her back. "You think your Queen of Disks will somehow give you the magic power to jump that chasm?"
Torina nodded.
"You've lost your reason," Morah smiled wickedly. "I love it! Jump to your death. We need some entertainment in this dreary place."
"There's more to living than reason," Torina said. "And I'm not here to amuse you."
"That's fortunate," Morah said. "You'd have flunked."
"I swear I'll do it. I have faith."
"So what are you waiting for?"
Gaijann's mouth hardened. "Easy Morah."
Morah grinned in mock horror. Her mouth opened and her sharpened teeth pricked her black lips; her white and red eyes were fixed on Torina, taunting her.
"Here goes," Torina walked up to the edge of the shaft. She ran her hand through her short hair.
"Don't do it," Gaijann went to hold her back.
Torina gave him the flicker of a smile and gently pushed away his hand. Then she said a short prayer, looking up to an unseen heaven. "The Queen of Disks deliver me," she said, but still didn't jump.
"Isn't your goddess famously insane?" Morah said.
"Give her a break," snapped Gaijann. "Come back, Tor."
But Torina had already jumped. She fell like a stone into the blackness of the hole.
"Fuck. Oh, Torina!" Gaijann said.
At his cry, Severan came running back from the darkness. "What?" he shouted.
"Torina jumped," Atorkh's eyes filled up.
The Count shook his head. "What a circus."
Mehefin put her hand out on her father's arm. She looked genuinely horrified at what had happened.
"For fuck's sake why did you let her do that?" Severan said to Gaijann.
"I didn't think she would. I thought it was bravado. I mean who would jump?"
"She just did it, man." Tears ran down Atorkh's cheeks.
They all stood at the edge. Severan's face twisted in a terrible grimace of grief. He looked as if he was about to speak but instead, bowed his head and covered his eyes.
Gaijann coiled and uncoiled his fists, staring at the gaping chasm.
Morah shrugged. "silly girl." She turned to go back to the junction of tunnels.
Mehefin and the Count turned to follow Morah. The Count muttered, "What a waste of resources."
Gaijann glared at him as he left. "You heartless bastard," he said.
The Count's eyes were cold. "This is slowing us down. I'm not paying you to waste my time like this."
Then, from the depths, Gaijann saw something. Rising up from the abyss, fast and glowing like a comet, was an iridescent gas. It came up like a swirling rainbow and in its centre was Torina, her arms spread wide in triumph. "See!" she shouted as she came up level with them. "See!" she roared at Morah. "Faith!"
Morah's eyes widened in surprise then she composed herself. "Well, well," she said. "Color me impressed. Sign me up for your religious ship of fools."
But Torina had already turned to face the other side of the chasm and was walking in the air, her body supported by the glowing gas. She tread lightly, lifting her feet slightly with each step, as if she was walking through snow, and another shape came up to meet her; coalescing out of the gas in front and appearing to greet her from the other side of the room - like a hologram. It was an image of Severan - as if it was his ghost conjured from another place. Atorkh looked right to check the real Severan was still there. The giant stood still, his face impassive. Atorkh stared back at the hologram. "God damn," he said. "Pretty lifelike."
They watched Torina walk towards the hologram. As she came close, the hologram Severan held out its hands to hold her.
"Severan?" Morah said, puzzled.
"It's the Room of Desire," Gaijann explained.
From behind them, Mehefin whispered, "And Severan is what Torina desires."
"Who knew?" Gaijann said sarcastically.
Atorkh blushed.
Torina was safely across the abyss to the other side of the room.
"Well me next," Gaijann said. "If a girl can do it, I can."
He ran forward into the gas cloud. His feet slowed as he entered but he ploughed through. Torina was waiting for him, beckoning him over. Her Severan was now vanished.
What came up to meet Gaijann was the shape of a naked Morah - or Morah as he imagined her naked - a sleek triangle of black hair between her thighs, her breasts bobbing, milk white, topped by nipples red as raspberries, puckered like pralines. Gaijann turned round and grinned at the real Morah, who rolled her eyes.
Atorkh smirked. "Morah's one of those things you think's really cool and always want it, but then when you get it, you suddenly realize you should've picked something else. Like getting a pet tiger."
Morah gazed at the technician, her eyes mock wide. "Your wisdom astonishes me."
Atorkh laughed as if it was a real compliment.
Without looking at any of them, "I'll go next," Mehefin said.
She walked forward and, as she made her way through the rainbow gas, the shape of a blond haired woman appeared before her. The woman looked much like Mehefin but she was older, her beauty enhanced by the years. Mehefin's head bowed and she wept as she approached the figure. Severan turned and saw the Count gazing coldly at the vision. He saw Severan looking at him and said, as an explanation, "It's her mother. My late wife."
Seeing how unmoved Count Owain was, Gaijann said from the other side, loud enough for anyone to hear, "He's got no feelings at all, I swear."
"Me now," Morah said. The Count looked at her. She said, "Why not? I must admit I'm curious to know what I desire." She strode forward. She crossed the rainbow bridge of gas and there, rising up to meet her, was the shape of a man nailed to a wooden tree. His face was twisted in agony. One of his eyes was ripped out and hanging on his cheek. His side had been pierced by a spear.
"Remind me not to go to any of her parties," Atorkh said.
Severan said, "It's Odin, who gave his eye for wisdom back on Sol in the before times. And also Jesus, known as the Christ, who gave his life for the sins of many. Both were hung on the tree of life until they died. And both defeated death. I guess that's her desire."
"You next?" Atorkh's voice wavered a little.
"No, you go," Severan said. "Then the Count. I'll go last."
"Ok," Atorkh hesitated then stepped forward. He walked and then ran. Coming to meet him was a vision of himself, but robotized, half man half machine, insuperably powerful - undefeatable. Atorkh punched the air. "Yes! You think this will come true?" he said excitedly. "I want to be able to kick ass - to kick anyone's ass!"
"It's no gift to be made into a machine," Severan said, but Atorkh wasn't listening, too taken up by his adolescent fantasy. Then the boy was over to the other side.
"So, Severan" said the Count. "Don't you want to go? Aren't you curious?"
Severan shook his head. "I know what my true desire is. I don't need this room of tricks to show me."
"Me then." The Count smiled at him and walked out towards the rainbow bridge. As he stepped onto the platform of bright gas that shifted yellow, blue and green around his feet, a great shadow erupted from below. Everyone fell back from the thing, pressing themselves away as if it was some kind of attack. Even the Count stepped back, taking tentative steps back to Severan and safety. The figure boiled huge and black and ill defined. "Who are you?" shouted the Count, but the creature of shifting gas did not reply.
"At least make yourself visible," said the Count.
And as if at his command, the thing in the column of cloud shook
and lightning ran round it. Then the cloud fell away and it seemed to them that the creature was huge, far huger than could be contained in that room of diamond. It stood tall with the body of a man but had the wings of an angel. Its face was that of a cruel bird, with harsh, emotionless eyes and a beak that could rip flesh. Its hands were the paws of a lion with claws for cutting and slashing.
"What the hell is that?" Atorkh said.
"It looks like a god to me," Gaijann said. "Not that I've much experience of gods."
Mehefin heard them from where she stood and turned her gaze thoughtfully to the ground.
Then the Count was across. Severan was alone on the near side of the chasm. They all watched him while he seemed to hesitate. Then the giant rubbed his eyes and strode onto the bridge of gas. He paused halfway across and waited, as if wanting some vision to appear. Nothing happened immediately and he started to walk on. Then, at his back, a soft light appeared, as gentle as May sunlight rising over green hills. Severan glanced over his shoulder and halted. He half turned, and they were there: his dead wife and his murdered children. Despite his protestations not to care what the visions might show him, he faced them. They watched him, the love obvious on their faces. Severan fell onto his knees, his head bowed. Gaijann could see tears fall from Severan's eyes and he was embarrassed to see this mighty strength humbled by grief. They all looked away - except Morah and the Count, who looked on, the first with detachment, and the second with disdain, as if each separately regarded Severan's love as weakness.
Mehefin stood next to Gaijann, they were both watching Severan. "What happened to him? To Severan," she said.
Gaijann turned to her, studying her face as if trying to work out her motivation for knowing. After a pause, he said, "You know he was a soldier?"
Mehefin shook her head. "I know nothing about him."
"Yes. Very dedicated. I served under him. But he gave it up because he met a woman. He said she was the love of his life. We'd known each other for a long time, Severan and I. Women always threw themselves at him - no offence..."
Mehefin flushed slightly.
"...but he said Oriel was different." He paused to read Mehefin's expression, to work out what machinations were going through her mind. He could see how beautiful she was. She wasn't his type, but there was no doubt she would turn heads. He had been watching her with Severan and her attempts to interest him in her were obvious, even if she thought she was being subtle. He couldn't read her expression now, so he continued with his story. "He even told me she was the one. I nearly fell off my seat."
"The one?"
"Yep, the love of his life. Can you believe that?" He looked at her with narrowed eyes.
"What was she called?"
"They called her Oriel. I was his best man at their wedding. And then he settled down with her, took up the quiet life. No one could believe it. I used to go visit them after I left the army when I was working guarding convoys from Agape to Hilarion." The assassin smiled, enjoying his memories. " I envied their life. They had a farmstead. It was on the edge of a huge forest and they had fields that ran down to the river. The population of the village was small and the people wanted him to be mayor. People always want Severan to be their something, but that's not him. He's not a joiner, never was. He's always happier with a few friends."
"It sounds a lovely life," said Mehefin but Gaijann knew she was merely being polite. He said, "In those days he was happy."
"What happened to his wife and children?"
"Nothing good ever lasts," Gaijann said. "And it was true for him. He and Oriel had their paradise in that far off world, a place he labored to keep separate and safe from the wickedness around them. But one day a Ghazzali raiding party landed." Gaijann saw Mehefin was gazing at Severan. Gaijann said, "You know the Ghazzali?"
Mehefin shook her head.
"They're religious fanatics: not content to worship their god, whom they call a god of love - except he makes them kill everyone who doesn't love him back, they want to make us worship him too."
"I have no god."
"They can be useful. I have several."
"Tell me what happened," Mehefin said impatiently.
"So in those days, the Ghazzali were like a plague of locusts, roaming the out-systems. They'd land and convert everyone by putting the muzzle of an assault rifle in their mouth. Then they came to Severan's village and killed everyone who wouldn't convert. Severn knew they were coming and he fortified his farmhouse. The Ghazzali would have taken a tribute and let him and his family be, if he'd just pretended to follow their evil god. He told me his wife begged him to convert. She said it meant nothing - just lip service, and I agree. But Severan wouldn't lie. He doesn't tell lies, maybe he can't. And that's his weakness. Me I lie all the time - just saying."
Mehefin's face was expressionless. "Go on."
"You know he follows the Blind God?"
She shook her head.
"The Blind God is a kind of Fate. He doesn't communicate with his followers, they just submit to his will - the will of fate, without trying to change it."
"I'm not interested in religion. Tell me about Severan."
"And so the Ghazzali attacked. I'm sure he killed hundreds, but there were more than hundreds - fanatics always flock to banners like theirs. It gives them an excuse to kill people and make out it's for the right reasons. They burned the farm, and he fought them. But the Ghazzali didn't stop coming; they never stop coming. They swarmed over him like rats overwhelming a dog and they hated him and wanted to punish him for resisting them. They like to play out their sadism on their victims and let everyone know so that people don't resist in future."
"In the end they killed his wife and his daughter and his little son. They did worse than kill them. When they'd murdered his family, and made him watch, bound in chains, they took their knives and they ripped him open. I guess they kept him alive so that he would suffer for the rest of his life. Then they left."
Mehefin said, "So his wife and children were killed because he wouldn't bend his principles?"
Gaijann shrugged. "I don't think he can. He's not a man, he's a force of nature, like a mountain: he can't bow down."
"No, he is a man." Mehefin said. "A mountain can't choose, but he could have."
Gaijann felt a flare of anger. "It's easy to judge what you don't understand."
Mehefin looked back, meeting Gaijann's gaze. "I understand. We all make choices, and our choices have consequences - and not just for us."
Gaijann said, "I can see why you don't need a god now."
She brushed off the intended insult. "I'm glad you told me the story," she said.
Then they saw everybody was ready to move on. There was little talk as the group moved out of the diamond room, the room where their desires had become manifest. Everyone seemed lost in their thoughts, but they followed Severan into the dark.
CHAPTER EIGHT: Mehefin and Severan
They entered tunnels lined with storage media that flashed and played and informed and entertained on multicolored screens; looping messages - full of lost knowledge; messages alien to all of them there. In fact alien to all then alive, but still playing in the depths of the Library. Pointless, thought Gaijann, all knowledge is temporary and contextual; no matter how much some people worship it.
The passages seemed endless. The flashing screens gave them headaches. The corridors inclined downwards. Sometimes there were steps, but they all led down. They were walking deeper and deeper into the heart of the library, but despite that, the air temperature never changed.
Mehefin found herself walking alongside Severan.
She said, "I think we have a lot in common."
He looked round at her. He had hardly noticed she was there.
"You and me," she continued. "I mean we have both lost the things we loved most."
They still walked. He was still silent, though his mouth moved as if to form words he then thought better of.
She touched his arm lightly
. "I'm a friend," she said. "If you ever want to talk about it, I will understand your loss; I lost my mother."
For the first time since they left the diamond chamber, Severan spoke. "How old were you?"
"I was about the age of your daughter."
"Ah."
They walked further in silence and then finally, he half turned to look at her, his voice rough in his throat. "Has it ever eased for you?" he said.
"No. Never."
She reached out her hand to his. At first, he didn't take it. Then he accepted her grasp. Her fingers were slender but strong.
"Thank you," he said.
No one else saw her hand was wrapped in his apart from Gaijann. The rest of them were taken up with their own thoughts, occasionally engaging in the good natured banter that helped them forget how deep they were in that strange place.
Mehefin said, "Severan, the price of love is grief. If you could go back and not love them, knowing that it would spare you this endless pain, would you do it?"
He laughed bitterly. "I accept my fate."
She stopped. "Really?"
He bowed his head. "I have to think there's a pattern, however terrible it is - that there is some order. I'm a soldier. I submit to things. That way I endure."
"So you never go after what you want?"
"I never want anything."
"I don't believe that."
He didn't answer. She saw the medallion of the Blind God hanging on its gold thread around his neck, resting on his armor.
"We need to hurry," he said. He turned to the rest. "Let's stop dawdling and get walking."
The group visibly increased their pace, all except the Count.
"I hope you get what you want," she said, finally.
"Like I said, I don't want anything."
Then behind them. "Oh oh oh oh!" shrieked Atorkh. He seemed excited.
"What you going on about, boy?" Gaijann said.
"I have totally, I mean totally, one hundred percent, cracked the Kissag comms codes."
"Good man. I had faith in you."
Severan paused in his stride. He turned away from Mehefin to glance at the kid. "Tell us anything we didn't know?"
