Grasshopper Glitch

by Ali Sparkes

  Claudia dropped her couscous and began to squeal. She backed away from the long-legged beast crouching on the nearby desk.

  “What is going on?” demanded Miss Mellor.

  “Eeeeeeeww! It’s a grasshopper! A grasshopper!” shrieked Daisy, Emily, and Claudia. Several other girls began to scream now. The grasshopper launched itself up into the air. It landed, half a second later, on Miss Mellor’s desk. Craig Thomas, who was standing nearby, also gave a little shriek. He tried to turn it into a cough. Three or four other boys were looking very uneasy.

  “Josh!” called Miss Mellor, looking rather edgy herself. “Can you catch it, please?” Everyone knew that Josh was crazy about creepy-crawlies. Danny called him “a freaky little bug geek.”

  Josh ran across to her desk and opened his hands. “Come on. Come on, little fella!” he coaxed. The grasshopper turned around and looked at him. It rubbed its impressive back legs together and chirruped again.

  Josh wished that Danny was there to see it. It was a beautiful shiny green meadow grasshopper. It had a rather endearing way of tilting its shiny green head and waving its shiny green front legs. Almost as if it was trying to say something to him!

  “Danny, come and see this!” called out Josh glancing around the room. But there was still no sign of his brother. Danny might have freaked out anyway. He didn’t like grasshoppers.

  The grasshopper waved harder. It was doing a little dance now! Amazing! If Danny were here, he’d have stopped being scared by now. He would be laughing! He’d be waving back! He’d be…

  Josh suddenly felt cold. His eyes bulged. He was replaying something in his mind. The near-crash in Petty Potts’s car that morning. All the lunch box stuff and the bits and pieces in Petty’s bag, flying around. Then he saw Petty talking to them. Telling them about the drinkable S.W.I.T.C.H. potion, which she was taking to the park.

  Josh stared back at Danny’s desk, at the open bottle. He could see that it was not the same bottle as his own. And their bottles, like the rest of their lunch, were normally identical.

  OH NO! yelled a loud, panicky voice in his head. DANNY! DANNY DRANK S.W.I.T.C.H. POTION!

  “Well, go on, Josh,” said Miss Mellor. “Pick it up! I want it off my desk!” Four or five curious classmates had now clustered around Josh. The grasshopper was still waving at him. Rather frantically.

  “Danny!” Josh whispered, holding out his palm. “Get on my hand!”

  “Just pick it up, Josh,” snapped his teacher. “Before it hops off somewhere else.”

  “Don’t worry,” said Billy Sutter, holding a heavy math book. “I’ll get it.”

  And before Josh could start to scream “NOOOOO!” Billy slammed the book down.

  “DANNEEEEE!” shrieked Josh, horrified. His classmates had crowded around. They were ghoulishly waiting to see the mashed insect. They wondered why Josh was shrieking for his brother.

  With a trembling hand, Josh reached out and lifted the heavy book. He gulped hard. Tears blurred his vision as he steeled himself to witness Danny squished flat all over Miss Mellor’s ink-stained desk.

  The book lifted and the rest of the class held its breath. Underneath was…

  “Nothing! It must have hopped off!” grumbled Billy, disappointed.

  “There it is! On Josh’s hair!” squealed Daisy. Billy picked up the book, ready to thwack it down on Josh’s head. The grasshopper was too fast though. It shot across the room onto the bookshelf. Then to the top of the paint cupboard. More screaming erupted. Then it landed on the windowsill. Billy ran toward it, the heavy book raised up in one fist. The grasshopper shot out through the open window.

  “Phew! Drama over,” said Miss Mellor.

  Josh stared out of the window, horror-struck. Miss Mellor turned to write on the whiteboard. Then he ran back to Danny’s desk, grabbed the bottle, and screwed its lid on tight. He ran back across the classroom. He jumped up onto the low windowsill. Outside, a sidewalk led past the window. On the other side of it, the school field stretched away toward some trees and bushes.

  Danny could be anywhere! Josh looked behind him. The remaining kids in the class were getting on with their lunch now. Miss Mellor still had her back to him. Josh didn’t wait any longer. He jumped out of the window, landing on the sidewalk. Then he ran out onto the field.

  “Danny!” he shouted, desperately staring around the grass and bushes. “Danny! Where are you?”

  He listened hard. All he could hear were the shrieks of kids on the playground on the other side of the school.

  Even if Danny was chirruping at the top of his voice, there was no way Josh would hear him. Josh sank to his knees and put his face right into the grass. “DAANNNEEEEE!” he wailed into it. He knew it was hopeless. His brother could be anywhere. Worse, he might already be inside a blackbird.

  Then something pinged against his ear. He lifted his head. Danny dropped onto his open palm. At least, he thought it was Danny. It could be another grasshopper.

  “Danny?” murmured Josh, waving a finger at the insect. It waved its short feelers back. “It is you. Isn’t it?!” The grasshopper waved again. “OK. If that’s you, waggle your left feeler!” The insect did. Josh heaved a huge sigh of relief. He nearly blew Danny back into the grass.

  “What are we going to do? You drank S.W.I.T.C.H. potion! And we’ve got math in half an hour. How am I going to explain this to Miss Mellor?”

  Danny offered a number of suggestions. He scraped his back legs and wings together frantically, creating that chirruping noise. It was clear that he had quite a lot to say. But Josh couldn’t understand a word of it. He stared anxiously around the field. He clutched the potion bottle in one hand. He wondered what on earth to do. If only one of them had also picked up the antidote! He knew he hadn’t. He’d drunk some of his soda. It was the usual stuff.

  “Wait, though. Petty took the antidote with her to the park,” he said. “Maybe she’s still there! It’s not far away. Yes! That’s the answer. We have to get to Petty. I think I can make it there in five minutes if I run.”

  Josh stood up, Danny cupped in his hand. He ran toward the school gate that led out to the street. The park was only a short walk away. Petty might be there still, wondering why the lemon soda wasn’t working on the squirrels.

  Desperately, he hoped no teacher or lunch lady would notice him. Josh ran along the side of the school where the boys’ bathrooms were. He reached the corner of the building. Then Billy Sutter and his friend Jason Bilk stepped out of the outside bathroom door. They bumped into him.

  “Hey! Watch where you’re going!” grunted Jason. Billy noticed immediately that Josh had something in his hand.

  “What’s that?” he asked. He prodded a muddy finger at Josh’s closed hand. A chirrup came from inside it. “You got that grasshopper again? You made it a pet or something?” Billy and Jason pried open Josh’s hand, despite his squawks of protest. Danny looked up, waggling his feelers anxiously.

  “I’m gonna get it this time!” chuckled Billy. He slapped his hand down. But Danny had shot away like a green rubber band before he could be squashed. Now he was on the floor by the open bathroom door. At once Jason and Billy started trying to stamp on him.

  “NO! LEAVE HIM ALONE!” shrieked Josh. He chased them into the bathroom where Danny had jumped next. Billy and Jason were clomping about wildly all over the damp concrete floor. They shouted “Get it! Get it!” Josh stood, aghast, feeling totally helpless. Then there was a flicker of movement. He spotted his brother in a stall. Josh threw himself inside it, slamming the door behind him. He firmly locked it as Danny leapt onto the toilet paper holder, looking very agitated.

  “Are you OK?” hissed Josh just as there was a break in the stamping. Both boys outside heard him clearly. They let out peals of laughter.

  “Oh, wittle Hoppy Woppy! Are you hurt?” said Jason, in a drippy voice. Billy squealed with mirth.

  “Come on—come out! Bring out your little pet!” chortled Jason. “We’ll only stamp on hi
m once.”

  Josh hoped if he just said nothing, they might get bored and go away. Five minutes later, they were still banging on the stall door and jeering. If they kept this up much longer, there would be no time to get to the park and find Petty before he and Danny were supposed to be back in class. They’d be in big trouble. He could just wait here, hoping that Danny would switch back again. But he had no idea how long it might take. Petty hadn’t known either. That’s why she’d made the antidote. And if Danny did suddenly switch back, how would they explain it to the two boys outside the stall? The high narrow window above him was way too small for anyone to crawl in or out of.

  “Hey—GIVE ME A LEG UP!” said Billy.

  Josh groaned.

  There had to be some way out of this. Then he blinked. He stared at the bottle in his hand. There it was. The only escape. He put Danny up on the ledge by the window, which was slightly open.

  Two rows of fingers hooked over the top of the stall door with a thud. Josh unscrewed the bottle’s lid and drank two gulps.

  The grunts and scuffles on the other side got louder. He put the lid back on and hid the bottle behind the toilet.

  Seconds later, Billy, puffing with effort, peered down into the stall with confusion.

  Josh had vanished.

  “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” yelled Josh as he flung himself through the air. His back legs were like a huge slingshot. They shot him high above the forest of grass below him. Only the slingshot came along for the ride too.

  “It’s great, isn’t it?” called back Danny. He had had twelve minutes more practice at being a grasshopper than his brother. “As soon as I switched, I just had to jump! Even though I was scared. I just had to! We can fly too! See—we’re flying!” The stiff little wings on his back opened out like a short green cape. They helped him to glide on and on through the warm air. They were already out of the school. They’d jumped down from the bathroom window, across the field, and over the high hedge without any problem at all.

  “This is the best creepy-crawly we’ve been yet!” laughed Josh. He opened his own wings and glided along behind Danny. Far below him flashed a green garden and a blur of blue-white pond. Insects the size of dogs flew past them. Some were making noises like small jets. Others were more like helicopters.

  THWUMP! THWUMP! They landed side by side on a gray brick wall. They turned to inspect each other’s shiny new grasshopper bodies. They each had two sets of fairly normal-sized insect legs. They were surprisingly muscular with little hooky feet—or hands. But their hind legs were three times bigger and bent back behind them in a upside-down V. Their eyes were large and round with short feelers set above them like pointy eyebrows. Josh thought Danny’s long face looked rather solemn. Then his brother started wiggling his little fingerlike mouthparts about with enthusiasm.

  “What are Billy and Jason going to think when they find you’ve disappeared?” he giggled. His voice was not too unlike his own considering he had a grasshopper’s mouth.

  “I’m more worried about what Miss Mellor will think. We could get detention for a week!” said Josh. He rubbed his legs nervously against his wings.

  “Ooh!” Making the noise himself, it was incredibly loud and croaky. “That’s how grasshoppers make their chirruping noise!”

  “Careful,” said Danny, looking around. “It’s bad enough being chased by stupid kids who want to squash you. You don’t want to attract predators too! What eats grasshoppers, Josh?”

  Josh gulped. “Well…we don’t taste great. That’s why we’re quite bright green and shiny. It’s to warn anything that wants to eat us that we’re a bit—I dunno—sour. We’re still not safe though. Birds, mice, snakes, spiders. All the usual ones. They’ll try. We should keep moving. We need to get the antidote.”

  Danny nodded. “Which way, do you think?”

  “That way,” said Josh. He waved his feelers firmly to his left. He didn’t know how he could be so sure. It was something to do with the way the sun was shining and the smell in the air. He felt a rumble inside him. He hadn’t had much lunch.

  “I’m starving,” said Danny. They catapulted themselves high into the air again. Of course, he hadn’t had any lunch at all. “Wooooo-hooo! Oh yeah! No, I’m really hungry.”

  “Of course,” called Josh. He flew alongside his brother with his rather dashing green cloak wings.

  “Grasshoppers are big eaters. They eat at least sixteen times their own body weight—every day! I’m hungry too. But we can’t stop.”

  Three seconds later they stopped. They landed on a large leafy bush that grew up against a low brick wall. It smelled as good to them as a doughnut factory at snack time. Josh found himself cramming his mouth with thick, juicy chunks of green leaf.

  Danny settled on a leaf next to him. He began to demolish it with loud chomping noises.

  “Ooooooh, this is so good!” munched Danny. “How come we never ate leaves before? There’s tons in our garden! We just ignore them…”

  When the empty feeling inside him began to ease off, Josh looked up. He was surprised to see that Danny had stopped eating. Danny’s big green eyes were bulging. Suddenly Danny spat out something brown and sticky right onto his lovely leaf.

  “UGGGH! MANNERS, PLEASE!” said Josh. “Did you eat a gross piece?”

  Danny shook his head. He stared at Josh, his enormous eyes shining like glass beads. Somewhere in his brain Josh knew that spitting brown stuff was a bad sign. It was something grasshoppers did when—

  “JUMP!” yelled Danny. He pinged up into the sky. Which helped Josh to remember. Ah yes…grasshoppers chucked up brown goo out of fear. Usually fear of…PREDATORS!

  All Josh saw, when he finally turned around, was a huge mouth. A gigantic pink diamond-shaped pair of jaws with sharp white fangs and a pointed pink tongue with hundreds of spikes on it. Blecch! He spat out his own brown blob.

  His slingshot legs threw him high into the air. But then he collided, with a whump, against a thick furry log, which was falling from the sky.

  When five razor-sharp white claws shot out of it, Josh realized that it was actually a paw.

  He found himself splatted back down on the leafy wall, with a gigantic furry face pressed right against him. A moist pink nose nudged him, and a fan of fine white spiky things drooped down on either side of him. Whiskers. A gust of meaty breath blew him over.

  Josh realized he was about to be eaten by a cat.

  High above Josh, Danny clung to a springy twig. He stared down in horror at the enormous furry monster that was sniffing and biffing at his brother.

  “JOOOOOOOOOOSH!” he bellowed. He couldn’t hear anything except a scarily loud thrumming, wheezing noise. He realized it was the cat. The cat was purring! Poor Josh. He liked cats. So did Danny. Usually cats purred when they were getting some milk or being stroked. Not when they were about to bite you in half.

  Danny jumped down onto the cat’s head. He landed up to his armpits (or leg pits, depending on how you looked at it) in thick tabby fur. The cat’s right ear flicked once. But it was so fascinated by its prey it didn’t try to shake Danny off. Hanging on to the fur, Danny leaned out to see if Josh was OK.

  At least he couldn’t feel, hear, or—worse—smell the cat chewing on anything.

  Far below he could see Josh trying to crawl away from the cat’s paw, so he could jump away. But the cat kept following him along the top of the wall, keeping its paws or nose just above him, so he couldn’t escape.

  “JOSH!” yelled Danny, tilting his head back so he could hear better (his ears, it turned out, were on his belly). “Are you all right?”

  “Yes—but I can’t jump away. It’s playing cat and mouse with me!” shouted back Josh.

  “Maybe it won’t eat you,” called Danny, trying not to squeak with fright. “Maybe it just wants to play.”

  “Oh yes—that’ll be it,” squawked Josh, dodging a claw as it swiped past his feelers. “It only wants to be friends! In a “slash my head off” kind of way
. That’s nice then.”

  Danny racked his brain, trying to figure out what he could do. How could he distract the cat? He edged over its brow and wondered about jumping into its eye. But a thicket of eyebrow hairs, almost as long as its whiskers, sprouted out above the nearest glinting green orb. He’d never get past that before he got a claw stuck through his innards.

  What about the ear though?

  He hopped across to a triangular tent of cat skin and peered around the edge of it. It was a bit like a teepee inside, with tufts of fine fur lightly covering soft pink and gray skin. It was quite cozy, really. It was waggling about a bit as the cat’s head switched from side to side, eagerly watching the tormented victim between its paws. There was even a pet in the ear tent. A surprised-looking flea was drinking what looked like juice through a straw poked somewhere down inside the tufty fur. The flea stared at Danny and paused, mid-slurp. There was a small pop and the straw snapped back into its brown shiny face. It burped. “Pardon!” it said. It waved a short, hairy, black foreleg in front of its mouthparts.

  “Better out than in,” said Danny.

  “EEEAAARGH!” shrieked Josh below. The cat’s mouth was descending on him again. Its spiky pale pink tongue was scooping out to flip him back between its razor-sharp teeth. He could see the roof of its mouth, a dome of tough, wet, ribbed skin. He knew he would be mashed against it any second now.

  Danny lost no time. He jumped into the cat’s ear and started rubbing his legs and wings together in a frenzy. The noise, in the confined space, was deafening. The flea hopped out in an instant.

  “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!” yowled the cat. It flipped over like a furry tiddlywink, pounding both paws against its ear. Danny shot clear with just a millisecond to spare. Josh flipped up past him, looking very…well…green.

  “Th-that…was t-too…c-close,” he stuttered as they flew away. “I was just about to be cat chewing gum.”