by Jill Shalvis
deep. Hell, that’s what you’re doing right now, cutting this off at the knees before you get in too deep. Isn’t that right, Harley?”
He heard her harsh intake of breath and knew that had been a direct hit, but before he could react, she slipped out from beneath his arm to walk away.
He barely grabbed her.
“TJ—”
“No, it’s okay,” he said, shaking his head. He wasn’t about to beg her to want him. “I’m assuming you’re heading back to Desolation sooner rather than later.”
“Yes.”
“Don’t go alone.”
“TJ, I—”
“Promise me.”
She hesitated and he tightened his grip. “Promise me, Harley.”
She blew out a breath. “I promise I won’t go alone.”
Good enough. She tugged and he let her go, standing there as she drove off, without looking back.
TJ spent the next two days running his ass ragged with short client trips. His brothers did the same. It seemed everyone wanted to get their last adventures in before the weather turned.
But even that didn’t deter people from booking future trips. According to their schedule, the upcoming winter was going to be their busiest yet. The economy might have taken a hit, but there were still people willing and able to pay for their outdoor adventures.
In a few days, he was leaving for Alaska.
Normally, he’d be fine with that. Hell, he’d be great with that. But somehow this time at home, using the lodge as his home base while taking the shorter trips, felt different. It was making him want things that made no sense.
Things, and…people.
Harley.
He hadn’t seen her since landing back at Wilder. For two days he’d gone over and over what had happened in his head, the entire kayaking trip, wondering where it had gone wrong.
Where he had gone wrong.
He was afraid he knew exactly—starting with when he’d said that it wasn’t the mountain that made him happy, but her.
And ending when he’d forced her to face it with the sheer magnitude of their physical relationship. Even he wouldn’t have called what they’d done just sex, and he doubted she could either.
Uncomfortable as it was, he was beginning to understand that this thing with her was what he wanted, that she was what he wanted. His error had been in thinking she might have started to feel the same.
That night he and his brothers hosted a reunion party for one of their biggest clients, a computer chip company based in San Francisco. They’d hired a local band and hosted an open bar, and the place rocked with music and revelry. The lodge was filled with boisterous, happy computer geeks who were thrilled to be going on a mountain bike trek the next day led by Cam rather than be in their offices.
TJ walked through it, doing his job, schmoozing and wining and dining. But all he wanted was to be back out on that mountain in front of a campfire, with Harley looking at him the way she did when she thought he wasn’t noticing—as if maybe he’d become as important to her as she was to him.
The next night, at the request of both her mom and dad, Harley sat at her mom’s kitchen table, waiting for the “exciting” news they said they had. It had to be big. The living room was filled with their friends.
Harley had worked like a fiend the past two days, pulling two shifts for Nolan and getting data organized and sent for her internship. She’d lost no more coyotes, but was anxious to get back to Desolation to check things out, and had just gotten approval for that trip from the conservatory agency—as well as a formal offer for the job in Colorado, starting date of January 1. That was three months sooner than originally planned, and she was very happy.
Or very something anyway, but she hadn’t been able to name it. “So what’s up, Mom?”
Cindy Stephens was well liked, and as a result, the living room rang out with laughter and happy voices. Annie and Nick were in there.
Nolan, too.
Everyone but TJ, which Harley figured was her doing. She’d let him think she didn’t want to see him. Maybe she’d even believed it as they’d come off the river, knowing that she couldn’t control the slippery slide of her emotions when it came to him.
But she’d changed her mind and all she wanted was to see him.
Nolan and Skye were dancing on the patio with a bunch of others. Nolan was laughing, his hands on Skye’s swiveling hips, his eyes shining bright with warmth and affection. “Mom?” Harley asked, needing to get out of there. “The news?”
Her mom always looked twenty years younger than her real age, which was late fifties. Tonight was no different as she smiled at Harley, looking petite and willowy and pretty in a sundress. In fact, Cindy didn’t look much different than she had when she’d been in the tenth grade, quitting school to run away with her high school sweetheart.
Harley’s father.
She and Mark had come to the mountains, and for years had run a vitamin shop, keeping it even after they’d broken up. Then gotten back together. Then broken up again. Their friendship had lasted even when the romance hadn’t.
Their business hadn’t been so lucky. Her mom was dyslexic, and regularly mishandled the books. Her father, a quiet, loving, warm man who would—and had—given a stranger the shirt off his back, hadn’t exactly had the temperament for being in charge. That, combined with the bad economy, and it was a wonder their shop hadn’t failed long before it had.
To Harley’s surprise, her dad came into the kitchen then, tall and lean and tanned, his hands going to her mother’s shoulders as he bent to kiss her.
“Hey, baby,” he said to Harley, lifting his face and smiling at his daughter as he leaned in to kiss her as well.
“Hey, Dad.”
“We have news.”
“You’re kissing Mom. I think I know the news.”
Her dad smiled. “More than that. We’re moving back to the city.”
“San Francisco?”
“Yes,” her mom said with a broad smile. “San Francisco.”
“Together?” Harley asked.
Her mom leaned back into Harley’s dad, and they exchanged soft smiles. “Yes. Surprised?”
“Very.”
Her mom smiled and hugged Harley. “I’m happy, Harley.”
Well, that was good. Happy was good. Harley wished she could find the State of Happy herself, but she hadn’t been there since TJ had been deep inside her body, his name tumbling from her lips as he’d—
“Harley?”
She forced a smile and gestured to the loud crowd in the living room. “So this is what, a good-bye party?”
“Pete wants us to work for his catering business,” her mom said. “You remember Pete.”
“We went to school together,” her dad reminded Harley. “He wants us to run the shop. Your mom will be cooking.”
“I’m so excited,” her mom said. “There’s a lovely apartment over the catering shop. Lots of windows. It’s part of the agreement, which makes it free. We just told Skye, and she’s talking about coming, too, maybe transferring to a school down there.”
“It means no rent,” her father said quietly, his eyes meeting Harley’s, making her breath catch.
They were leaving the place they loved, for her. So she wouldn’t have to help them anymore, so she could get on with her own life. Her throat tightened. “Dad—”
Her father covered her hand with one of his. It was big, warm, and callused from years of hard work. He gently squeezed her fingers. “It’s a good thing, Harl. For all of us.”
Her mom’s smile was warm, her eyes wet. “You’ll come visit. We’ll have room for you. And for Skye. We’ll be able to meet our own bills every month.”
“Mom. Dad.” She looked into their faces, needing to see a sign that it is what they really wanted, not something they felt they had to do. “I’ve never minded helping you. I don’t want you to leave just because—”
“Not just because.” Her father hugged her. “It’s not
just about us being a burden to you. It’s that it’ll give us back our lives. And more importantly, give you yours. You’ll be able to finish your internship.”
“Then you’ll go off to Colorado,” her mom said, beaming, “and become that big, fancy research biologist. You’ll be the first Stephens to have a real job, an important job. But most importantly, you’ll be free to do as you want.”
Harley swallowed hard. Right. Freedom to do something she loved. She’d lined it up, and it was in sight. The job. The big move. The life she’d dreamed of.
Except…
She squeezed her eyes shut and voiced the thought that had been haunting her for days. “What if I’m no longer sure?”
“Oh, honey.” Her mom stroked her hair. “If there’s one thing you’ve always been, it’s strong as hell; mind, body and spirit. You’re sure what you want. All you have to do is admit it.”
Harley thought about those last words as she wandered through the party. Did she know what she wanted? Did she really know?
She headed for the food spread out on a huge table in the living room, figuring that might help. She was trying to balance a full plate and a full drink when a hand reached out to help her.
Nolan.
Though she’d worked at his garage twice in the past few days, he hadn’t been there either time, having been at a business conference in South Shore. They hadn’t spoken since she’d tried to kiss him and failed miserably. “Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey right back at you.” He lightly tugged at a strand of hair. “You caught me all up at the garage. Thanks.”
She hadn’t been sure he’d even want her there. “I didn’t know if you—if I—” She let out a breath. “If you don’t want me there anymore, I’ll understand. I—”
“Harley.”
She forced herself to stop talking and breathe.
“The job is yours as long as you want it,” he said.
Relief and guilt swirled in her gut, and she set her plate down, suddenly not hungry. “I don’t know how to do this, Nolan.”
“How to be friends? That’s easy enough. We call and say hi just because. We go out to lunch. We talk, smile…” He touched the corner of her serious mouth.
She blew out a breath. “You’re going to make this easy on me.”
“On both of us,” he agreed. He took her drink and set it down. “Now come on. This is my favorite song. Maybe we’re not going to be kissing, but we sure as hell can be dancing.”
They danced for three songs, and when Harley spun off the makeshift dance floor and grabbed a soda, still smiling, she nearly plowed right into TJ.
He was wearing jeans and a soft, black sweater with the sleeves shoved up his forearms, looking big and bad and sexy as ever, and…
And she wished that she’d waited a few more days before taking a stand to protect her heart. She could have been with him, could have spent a few long, very hot nights together, and it would have given her memories for a lifetime.
But it was too late for regrets. They’d both made choices that were taking them away from there and from each other. His choices were far more temporary than hers, and he’d probably always be back, but never to stay.
As for her, well if she was having doubts about leaving, she’d face those without letting him complicate things.
He held out an envelope.
Her paycheck for the kayak trip, which was just about double what she’d expected. She gaped at the total. “TJ, it’s too much.”
“No, it’s not.” His warm but fathomless gaze met hers. “It’s your cut of what we made. Your disk with all the pictures was a huge success. I have no idea why none of us ever thought of having a photographer around sooner. You made that trip a success, Harley. I wish you’d go on more. I think you know that.” His smile held things that only made her cracked heart ache all the more. Her resolve about handling it the way she had took a further hit when he tilted his head toward the door, silently asking if she wanted to go outside.
He opened the door for her and lightly touched her back as he guided her down the porch steps. By silent, tacit agreement, they walked around the side of the house to stand at the top of the bluff at the end of the yard. They were surrounded by a 360-degree vista of sharp, rugged mountain peaks that Harley never got tired of looking at. The moon was high, casting the landscape in that iridescent pale blue glow she loved so much.
They stood there and just watched the night. Or she did. She was looking at the silhouette of the mountains and he was looking at her. “You’re staring,” she finally said.
“Yeah. You’re so goddamn beautiful you make it hard to breathe.”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t…make my knees wobble.” She pressed her fingers to her eyes, then dropped her hands and turned to him. “I realize my change of heart must seem sudden and ridiculous given the mixed…sexual messages I’ve sent you over the past few weeks, first at Desolation, and then in my house. And then, um, on the river as well.” For two nights running, thank you very much.
He arched a brow at the list of places where they’d gotten quite intimately acquainted with each other’s body parts. “You forgot the closet.”
“Right, the closet.” As if she’d really forgotten. She’d never forget any of it. Chances were those memories were going to highlight her sexual fantasies for years to come. “My point is…”
“You’re done. You’re over it.”
“It’s not that.” As if she could be over it, over him. “It’s that I can’t play anymore.”
“What does that mean?”
She stared up at the inky black sky, littered with stars sparkling like diamonds as far as she could see. All her life this wide, huge, gorgeous sky had given her escape and peace, and she wondered where she’d find that escape and peace once she left there. Wondered if Colorado would fulfill her the same way. “I should have stuck with my instincts, that I’m not cut out for this. If I’m going to leave here, I have to go with my head and heart clear.” Although it was probably already too late for that.
“I know,” he said very quietly. “You can’t let an old crush get in the way of your dream.”
She felt her throat tighten. “You’re more than some old crush, TJ.”
His eyes looked dark, so very dark.
“You are,” she whispered. For so many years, she’d thought of him as big and bad and impenetrable. Invulnerable. But in fact, he wasn’t a superhero. He could be hurt. She’d managed that. She hadn’t expected to be able to, and the ache in her chest spread. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have started something I couldn’t finish.”
“There were two of us in this,” he said. “And I’m a big boy. I knew what I was getting into. And let’s be very clear. I wanted to get into it.”
She met his steady gaze, saw the truth in it, and so much more that her throat nearly closed up. She knew he deserved more of an explanation. But could she admit that she was falling and falling hard? What good would that do either of them? She’d get over him. She had once before. She’d find her happy.
She would. Somehow. “I hope you have a great trip, TJ.” She knew her eyes were suspiciously bright, that her voice was shaky. “I hope it’s a good one, and that you find—” She’d been about to say happiness. After all, the mountain fueled him, made him feel alive.
But he’d told her he thought maybe she did that for him.
Truth was, he did it for her, too. She swallowed hard, and knew by the flash of emotion in his gaze that she’d given away her own feelings in hers.
“Harley,” he said softly. “Don’t do this.”
“I have to. If I don’t, then…then I won’t be able to go.”
He just looked at her for a long moment, and she couldn’t maintain, just plain couldn’t hold it in, and a lone tear escaped.
At the sight of it, a small sound of frustration came from deep in his throat as he gently rubbed his thumb over her cheek. “Doing a
s you want shouldn’t make you cry, Harley.”
She sucked in a breath, which made it sound like a sob, but she shook her head and forced a smile. “It won’t…I’m fine. I just…” God. “I’ll miss it here, you know?”
He didn’t say anything to that, just looked at her as his thumb
