I felt her nod, her head resting against my shoulder. She almost whispered the words. ‘So, on the basis I tell you one then you respond with another, by default that means you have stuff to tell me too.’
‘Yeah, it does.’
She looked me in the eyes again, a slight smile on her face. ‘So do we toss a coin to see who goes first?’
‘No. I'm kicking off.’
‘Guess the ball's in your court then,’ she said, a slight tremor in her voice as she pressed her face back into my shoulder.
I took the deep breath I’d always known I would have to… the deepest breath of my entire life. The moment had come, and all I wanted to do was run away and hide like the little girl I had recalled so much since I'd been back in Norfolk.
But I was a grown woman now.
‘Our meeting in the bar… the first night. It wasn't by accident, Zana.’
She didn't move, not a muscle. It seemed like a lifetime until she replied, but I guess in real time it was only a few seconds.
‘I already know that, Madeline.’
Chapter 44
I stared at her inanely, open-mouthed. ‘But… how?’
‘I'd been going to that bar most every night for six months. Then suddenly there you were in your expensive suit and your solid-gold diamond-studded Rolex. Not just the first night but the next one too. And the black guy who always sits close by kind of gave it away even more.’
I shook my head. ‘You really do have good observational skills then.’
‘I have to have, Madeline.’
She'd stunned me. She'd known all along I was playing her, and yet she'd actively encouraged our relationship. Just what else was she aware of?
Did she know I may have started out playing her, but within forty-eight hours it had turned into something else?
‘Tell me what I don't have to say, Zana,’ I said quietly.
‘Not so much. It's obvious to anyone with a brain you were planted on that barstool; probably by some government department or other, using your beauty and sophisticated image to try and find out what I was up to. Given your orders by shallow-minded men who thought I would actually need the attentions of someone who appeared to be like-minded. And apart from you, the assholes who follow me around sometimes just confirmed you were a fake.’
I closed my eyes. Her words had stabbed me right between the eyes. I took her hand, she didn't resist. ‘I'm not a fake… not anymore.’
She gave me a reassuring smile. ‘I know, Madeline. You don't need to trade a truth to tell me that. But something puzzles me. How did they identify me in the first place? I thought we blended in perfectly.’
I raised a hand, unable to answer her. ‘I don't know. They didn't tell me that.’
‘Didn't tell you?’ For a moment a look of horror passed across her face. ‘So you don't know then?’
The sudden urgency in her voice brought the dread back. ‘Know what?’ I asked uncertainly.
She looked away. ‘Don't know… don't know how they found me.’
‘Zana?’
She looked back to me, threw out a nervous smile. ‘I don't understand Madeline, you had the job of marking me but they only gave you some of the details? Why?’
‘That's what I kept asking. Maybe because I don't normally work for that department.’ I groaned inwardly, realizing I maybe shouldn't have said that.
Her green eyes bore into me again. ‘So what is your department, Madeline? Just who are you?’
I couldn't hold her stare. My head lowered, I knew I had to tell her. ‘I work alone, now and again when MI6 gives me a mission. When they deem it necessary, I nullify people.’
She pushed my hand away, stood up quickly and walked the few steps to the edge of the bank. When she spoke her voice was breaking. ‘So that's your posh way of telling me you're an assassin. A lousy heartless bitch who kills people for money, and sooner or later you're going to kill me!’
‘No!’ I ran to her, tried to reach out but she pushed me away. Tears were streaming down her face, her mouth contorted with anger and fear. I wanted so much to hold her close but knew she wouldn't let me. ‘That's not the mission… not this time.’
I ran my hands through my hair, my head like a pressure cooker as I frantically searched for the right words. ‘Listen to me, Zana. Ok, I am a lousy bitch. But I'm not heartless. I was… I was heartless; didn't give a flying fuck about anything or anyone. But now I'm different. Now…’
‘Now what, Madeline?’ the words were screamed at me.
I walked over to her again, she didn't move away this time. And I took another deep breath.
‘Now I've fallen in love.’
She stood like a statue. Even the tears seemed to freeze on her face. I was frozen to the spot too, stunned by my own sudden admission. But eventually I found two words.
‘Say something?’
She turned away, I couldn't see her face any more but her hands were clenching and unclenching inside her gloves. ‘You can't fall in love with me, Madeline,’ she whispered.
‘Can't? What the hell has can't got to do with this? Do you think I took one look at you and said, 'oh yes, I'm going to fall in love with her'? Is that what love is, because I've got no idea. I'm thirty-six Zana, and as far as I knew love was something you saw in movies and TV dramas. Or a disease that weak fools like my father suffered from. So do you have any idea what it just took for me to tell you I love you?’
Suddenly she was in my arms, sobbing uncontrollably on my shoulder. I held her close, allowed my own tears to mingle with hers. I needed the touch of her lips, eased her head back and tasted the saltiness of a perfect tear-filled kiss, a kiss that would stay with me forever.
She looked into my eyes through the tears. ‘There's no future for us, you must know that,’ she said shakily, tried to smile. ‘This is no romantic comedy; more Doctor Zhivago.’
She did know the movie then.
I nodded my head. ‘A few days, a few weeks… it doesn't matter. You have finally made me understand what kept Yuri going.’
‘Then you must also know how Lara felt.’
I led her back to the log seat, sat down beside her. It seemed a huge weight had been lifted from me, even though I was still no nearer to discovering why she was here.
But now it was time to find out.
Chapter 45
Still in shock over my own admission, I tried to get my brain around the other reason we were there.
‘I think I've traded a bit more than you now, don't you?’
‘You'd better ask me a question then.’
Once more I drew a deep breath. ‘What's in the suitcase, Zana?’
She lowered her head, said quietly, ‘You did find it then.’
‘Just before you arrived.’
She looked up to me, her eyes full of pain. ‘It's a weapon, Madeline. A very deadly weapon.’
My body turned to stone. Time stopped the instant the words left her lips. The answer I had been dreading was no longer just a possibility.
Now it was real.
‘I thought as much,’ I struggled to say.
‘No Madeline… what you're thinking is wrong. I know you've put all the pieces together and decided it's some kind of chemical weapon about to kill thousands of innocent people. It's not. It's… worse than that.’
‘Worse?’ I almost choked on the single word.
She nodded slowly. ‘I think that makes us even in the game.’
‘Zana? You can't tell me something like that and then leave me hanging!’
She stood and walked away from me again. ‘I can't say anymore.’
‘Like hell you can't!’ I caught up with her, grabbed her arm and spun her around. ‘Here's another truth Zana… if I don't go back with something to reassure my boss, in the next twenty-four hours the shit will hit the fan big-time, and what the fuck happens then will be out of my control. Is that a truth worth trading?’
She looked at me with eyes full of tears, her mouth twiste
d and trembling with emotion. Then she ran to me, threw her arms around my shoulders. ‘Oh Madeline, this is such a mess…’
I held her tight, feeling the anger and desolation melt away as I began to realise the woman I loved was fighting a raging battle inside herself. Once again I led her back to the seat, held tightly onto her as I spoke. ‘You must tell me, Zana. I may work for MI6 but I'm on your side.’
She shook her head. ‘I can't, Madeline.’
‘You can trust me… we'll find a way to sort it.’
She pushed herself gently away from me, but held on to both my hands. ‘Why do you kill people, Madeline?’
Her question took me by surprise. ‘Why?’
‘Yes, why. Tell me please.’
‘I am asked to nullify those who have demonstrated they are a threat to humanity. Those who for whatever reason cannot be punished through the legal system.’
‘And when you receive a mission, do you then go round telling your family and friends who's next on your list?’
‘Course not. My work is secret, not for public consumption…’ my words trailed away as I realised where this was going.
‘Then you will understand why I am not trading this particular truth.’
‘Zana, this is not the same. This is about the lives of innocent people.’
‘No, it's not. It was… not anymore.’
I threw my hands up in despair. ‘You’re talking in riddles again.’
‘I'm cold; shall we go back to the car?’
I stood, throwing her a look to tell her how frustrated I felt. ‘Ok, but you owe me one truth.’
We began to walk slowly away from the shore. Zana linked her arm into mine, tried to smile. ‘One more truth, but I can't tell you what you really want to know.’
‘Zana, you can trust me…’
‘I know I can trust you, Madeline. But no matter how much you love me or how hard you promise me, this is so massive and horrific you will tell someone. And then those who wield the power will believe they can stop it happening, and everything will spiral out of control. But they can't stop it. No one can.’
‘Except you.’
‘Except me. Alone.’
I nodded, knowing I could scream and shout as much as I liked but she wouldn't give on this one. We’d cleared the trees now and were heading back up the gently sloping lawns towards the old house. A chilly breeze had drifted in, and was bringing flecks of grey cloud along with it. I got the feeling whoever it was up there who’d granted me the snow and blue skies was now hinting it was time to leave. Zana spoke, jolting me away from the thought.
‘How many of us do your colleagues think there are?’
‘Seven, including you.’
She nodded. ‘They know their stuff then.’
‘Guess so.’
‘Very soon there will be a lot more than seven, Madeline. My people are coming.’
I stopped walking, gripped her arms firmly. ‘Zana, you must…’
‘No!’ she said sharply. ‘I've told you why I can't tell you.’ She leaned into me, kissed me softly. ‘But here's one more truth, for free. The mission my superiors gave me has… changed.’
‘Why did they change it?’
‘They didn't. I did.’
I frowned. ‘Ok. So do they know that?’
‘Oh no.’
We were next to the car now. The windows were still iced over so I reached inside and switched on the de-icer. As I straightened up, Zana took both my hands.
‘So Miss big shot assassin who didn't think she had a heart but now knows she has… here's one last bit of reality to shove inside it. I moved the goalposts because of you. So if we all get through this in one piece it will be your newly-discovered heart and soul that saved the day.’
I swallowed hard as her words hit home, watched her as she walked around to the passenger side of the car, but then carried on towards the trees on the edge of the car park.
‘Where are you going?’ I called.
She giggled. ‘Just want to shake the snow off one last tree before we go!’
I knew her heart was breaking, knew all she wanted was to be a little girl for a few minutes longer.
Knew it was almost certainly the last time she would ever be that innocent child again.
I climbed into the driver's seat to wait for her, guessing she would want this tiny bit of time alone. The phone began to vibrate in my pocket.
The DIAL phone.
‘You alone?’ Ryland Cooper's curt voice.
‘Yeah, just about to leave.’
‘Good. You got anything worth the word's you's speaking?’
‘Got some info, yeah.’
‘Thank fuck for that. Scott wants you here.’
‘What? When?’
‘Now. There's been a development. A big one.’
‘Shit, what's happened?’
‘Not over the phone. DIAL HQ, four hours, ok?’
I killed the call, leaned my head desolately back against the seat, as a dark cloud suddenly blotted out the sun.
The memories were made, the fantasy over.
The dreaded feeling was back in my gut, this time to stay.
Harsh reality had finally smashed through the door and was staring me in the face, screaming out with an evil grin, 'Remember me?'
Chapter 46
The drive home was a quiet one, neither of us feeling much like talking. Now and again I glanced over to Zana, she would smile back but her face showed no real emotion.
I knew that behind her deliberately blank expression there was plenty of that.
In one way I was glad of the sparse conversation; all the big stuff had been said so it would only have been small-talk, and right then I didn't need that.
I had to think, and think quickly.
Ryland Cooper's call had jolted me back to reality, but also rekindled the panic. I'd anticipated there would be time to collate my thoughts, a few hours back in the apartment to put together a plan, work out how much of what Zana had said to reveal to Scott.
Now I didn't have that luxury.
She'd told me plenty of truths, but from DIAL's point of view hardly anything. I smiled grimly, imagining the boss's face as I said, 'something unbelievably massive and horrific is about to happen, but the woman I love has a plan so we've just got to sit back and let her get on with it!'
Now that was fantasy.
I was still fighting with the dilemma as we hit the outskirts of London, no nearer to knowing how much I could get away with not saying to Duncan Scott. But something had to be said now; I'd let slip to Coop I had words worth speaking.
Still I hadn't a clue what those words might be.
Three hours after we left the tranquillity of Norfolk, we turned into Zana's driveway. For the last half-hour she'd had her hand pressed tightly into mine, knowing the time was close when we would have to part. As I brought the car to a stop she drew in a big lungful of air. She turned to look at me, her face pale and strained, but an incredible warmth in her eyes.
‘Thank you, Madeline,’ she whispered.
She climbed out of the car. I pulled the case from the rear seat. ‘Do you want me to come up with you?’
She shook her head. ‘I'm sure you've got to go report or something.’
I smiled humourlessly. ‘Don't remind me.’
She leaned into me, rested a trembling head on my shoulder. ‘There's one truth I was surprised you didn't ask me,’ she said quietly.
‘What was that?’
‘Whether I had fallen in love with you too.’
I lifted her head, kissed her delicately. ‘Wouldn't that have been a waste of a trade?’
She smiled beautifully. ‘It would.’
She picked up her case and began to walk away, but stopped and turned back to me. ‘Madeline, I've asked a lot of you this weekend but… but I need to ask one more thing.’
‘You know I'll do anything.’
‘I don't know exactly when, it will be very soon now. But
when the time comes, I have to do something that is going to take all of my will. I don't think I can do it alone. Please will you be there, by my side?’
‘Of course I will.’
I watched as she walked slowly away from me. She took small hesitant steps, like she was fighting the desire to turn and run back.
I knew how she felt; it was all I could do to stop myself doing the same. I fought away the tears as the lift doors close around her, and she disappeared from view.
I had no idea what the circumstances would be when I saw her next.
I sat back in the car but didn't drive away for a few minutes. A million thoughts were firing at me like a tennis ball machine on steroids; I tried to bat them away and think rationally. It didn’t take long to work out the ability to think clearly had left me for good.
Finally I started the car and headed across the driveway. I still had no idea what to reveal to Scott, but now one more scenario had joined the growing list of possibles. Zana may have come here originally with evil intentions. But I was getting the totally irrational feeling the goalpost had not only been moved, but planted firmly at the other end of the pitch.
I thumped the steering wheel, groaned loudly. Duncan Scott was never going to accept that emotion-filled bullshit.
He couldn't possibly understand.
He hadn't fallen in love with his mark.
Chapter 47
I walked through the security screen into DIAL's HQ with a worse-than-ever sickening feeling in my gut, and my head spinning so fast I was having trouble keeping my balance. 'Something big', Coop had said.
Something big enough to uproot the goalpost yet again?
That was making me nauseous enough; it wasn't helping that I still didn't know what to say to Scott.
The man was standing looking through the big glass windows as I reached the office. Ryland Cooper and Miles Courtney were there too, a welcoming committee with expressions on their faces that told me straightaway they weren't going to smile warmly and say, 'good to see you, Madeline'.
But I got the feeling this time I wasn't the source of their displeasure.
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