“Lead the way. Find them, boy.” I urged him forward, no longer trying to direct him. I failed with my way already; why not try his? He hardly needed any word from me as he took off into the desert.
Journal Entry #4,
I woke up shortly before the sun, the sky’s hue lightening ever so softly as I stood up to stretch my legs. Ponika slept peacefully beside me and I gently patted his neck as I wandered around the mesas, taking in the view. The last few days had been uneventful and we wandered aimlessly, fighting off our exhaustion as best we could. We found this valley last night and knew it was the only chance we had to rest. Ponika and I had cuddled up into a small niche in the valley and did our best to rest in the chill of the night air, hoping our body heat would keep us warm.
The sands were hard beneath my feet as I explored and the wind blew gently around me; it was a cool and invigorating breeze for such an early morning. As I wandered I noticed that there was more than just sand lying around us; pieces of wood and metal were scattered around the narrowest part of the ravine and I instinctively looked up, noticing the brief remains of a bridge that once joined the two mesas together. Looking back at Ponika in a deep sleep I decided to continue on, wanting to see what lay above us. By the time I found the end of the mesas and could climb up, the sun had brightened the sky immensely; it was only moments away from peeking over the horizon.
The winds were stronger up above our resting place, even in the early hours of the day and I instinctively raised my bandana over my face. As I drudged my way up the sloping mesa I started to see the outline of a large, metallic object in the shifting sands ahead, not far from the remains of the bridge I had seen earlier. It wasn’t until I reached the bridge itself that I realized what lay stagnant before me. The wasteland was supposed to be vast and empty and yet there it stood, tall and imposing over my small frame. Its wheels were rusted over and swallowed up by the sands while its body stood in a slanting manner, ready to fall at a moment’s notice. I wasn’t entirely sure why but the sight saddened me; where was it trying to go? What purpose did it have? And just what exactly happened to it? Gazing at it in awe, I noticed there was a tipped boxcar behind it. Empty boxes littered the sands around it and while it had already been scavenged I could still see a few pickaxes within its otherwise empty walls; I could only assume it was an old coal train that once lead to the very mine I had escaped from. I softly touched the train’s metal frame, wondering on the might of our race before the Reckoning had taken everything from us. To have been able to create such a thing as the beast before me was mind-boggling and yet I knew from my parents that the world was once full of things like this; in fact, this multi-wheeled monstrosity was considered tame in the grand scheme of things.
I’m not entirely sure what compelled me to but I pressed my head against the steel frame and closed my eyes; maybe I was hoping to sense the world it once came from or listen to some fleeting ghosts whispering in the silence…I really couldn’t tell you, but something did happen all the same. As I embraced the train I suddenly felt my heart swell with love as an overwhelming feeling of my father filled my head. Maybe that’s why such sights always filled me with sadness…it was remnants of a world that my father once loved dearly. Dad…where are you now?
I sighed as the sound of my stomach growling brought me back to reality. I didn’t have much left in my bag and I was saving what I could for Ponika anyway; it wasn’t his decision to enter the wasteland so I was going to make sure he was taken care of, even if it meant I wouldn’t be. I decided to enter the boxcar, hoping there could be something worth taking back with me, regardless of how old it might be. I had contemplated taking a pickaxe to defend myself with but in the end I felt it would be too cumbersome and I already had my dagger anyway. Besides, what good would a pickaxe do against a swarm like that in the mine? Its bulk would merely hold me back. While I was contemplating my choice in weapons I suddenly heard voices in the wind outside the train. Panicked, I ran to the back of the boxcar and hid behind some overturned crates, keeping my eye on a nearby axe just in case.
“Why do we even need this, anyway?” A male voice grumbled angrily.
“I don’t know…” A smaller voice replied.
They quickly entered the boxcar, causing it to shake momentarily and I could barely make them out within the small gaps of the boxes I hid behind. They both appeared to be rather young with the taller boy looking no older than sixteen. Both strangers wore light brown tunics and had faded blue tattoos across their face. The eldest boy had messy brown hair and appeared to have a few white, shining strands within it, while the younger boy had short, dirty blonde hair. The small boy looked around carefully, fiddling with his fingers and grabbing at his tunic as the taller one kicked some crates over and huffed.
“I told him there would be nothing here…what a waste of time. How exactly does he expect us to get coal?”
“We could head back to the mine…” the younger boy said as he stared quietly at the floor.
“And do what?” The eldest replied sharply, turning around to look at the other with balled fists, “you saw it; it’s all caved in! What does he expect us to do with that? He’s just going to have to accept that there’s nothing out here.”
“Jack…you can’t just give up. He needs us to do this…” The younger boy held fiercely onto his clothing as he flinched at the other’s words.
“And what does he expect us to do? Spend days digging through the mess just in case there’s coal littering the floor? We’re not miners; I have no idea what I’m looking for! Do you?”
The younger boy shook his head. “But your father…”
“To hell with my father!” Jack yelled, his voice echoing throughout the car as he turned and left.
“But what about the supplies?” The small boy called after his companion but Jack did not reply. The shy boy bent down to some crates and opened his bag. “Here you go, little travelers. It’s not healthy but it’ll get you through.” The child spoke to the crate before him in the same way a kid would speak to a beloved pet. He removed some things from his bag and quickly stood up. “Jack!” He called as he charged into the wasteland after his friend.
I inched my way out of my hiding space, straining to hear the two boys but heard nothing; even the wind had calmed. Just who were they? I wondered if I should have introduced myself as I creeped my way towards the front of the boxcar. With what I’ve experienced so far in the desert, though…I can’t imagine any other wanderers being the friendly type. Glancing around for any signs of the two kids, I checked the crates the young boy was fiddling with and was surprised to see food inside; a few bags of chips and a couple of sealed, precooked containers of flavoured noodles. There were even a few cans of carbonated soft drinks and bottles of water. I giggled at the sight and lifted the crate, not even caring that I hadn’t brought my backpack with me. I was so happy to finally see some food but also confused; who would leave this behind…and why? Soft drinks themselves were pretty scarce…who would have access to this and then leave it behind? It would be enough to get me through the next few days although I still worried about Ponika…finding a meal for him in the wasteland was harder than I had anticipated.
I struggled back down the mesa with the heavy crates, wondering why I even brought Ponika along with me. I clearly was not prepared for the wasteland and I’ve been risking his life since we first left. He doesn’t deserve that…he would have been safe and happy at home. Maybe I really shouldn’t have left…
I returned to Ponika with my crate of goods, the sun shining brightly in the sky now. My horse was still sleeping in the nook we had found and I smiled at him; he was great company to have. I cuddled up next to him and as I prepared to eat Ponika shifted in his sleep and slowly came to.
“Look what I found, Ponika.” I showed him the crate of goods and he sniffed at it while I transferred the contents to my backpack. “It’s no home cooked meal but it’ll do.”
I left out a small bag of noodles a
nd a bottle of water, ready to enjoy my breakfast for the first time in ages. Unwrapping the goods carefully, I took a few bites of noodles using the small plastic fork that was attached to its side. They were stale, but they tasted like heaven. With a mouthful of food, I glanced at my horse.
“What about you, Ponika? Are you hungry?” He merely looked at me with dull eyes before turning his head back to the wind. I nuzzled into him. “Alright, here you go.” I took out the oats and wheat that I’d saved for him and he wasted no time in devouring it all. I gave him a small grin as I tried my best to stay positive; what good would worry get me now? There’s no turning back; I’ve made my choice and now I have to live with it.
We both sat with our breakfast, enjoying the shade and relaxing before we set off again. I poked around at my food, not much enjoying its flavour anymore as my mind wandered. After what I’ve been through so far and the places I’ve seen, there was still no sign of my father or Kay; I had assumed there would be many clues by now. Honestly, in my naivety I pretty much expected to follow a breadcrumb trail straight to their location; I really didn’t put much stock into what kind of journey would lay ahead for me and Ponika.
I was interrupted by my horse sniffing at me, most likely in the hopes of more food. I cradled his head in my arm and patted his nose. “We need to save what we have, boy; I’m sorry.” I continued to pat him as I thought back to a year ago…to the final breaking point in what pushed me out into the desert.
There was a Christmas party at the community centre. We don’t always get to throw one; it depends on what the Provider gives us in the weeks before. This year, however, we had plenty and threw the biggest party I’d ever seen in my seventeen years at the village; most holiday celebrations were hardly more than house parties that could have been for anything. This party, though…not only was it huge, but it had another meaning for me. I had never had a real birthday party before. Mine falls two weeks after Christmas, so to me, this was a birthday party.
We were all supposed to dress our best; many of the townspeople asked for nice clothes all year round in the hopes of this celebration. The Provider rarely obliges on frivolous things like that but this year was different - most people got everything they asked for. Me, though? I never asked. After everything my dad had gotten me, people became very embittered towards me, thinking that my gifts cut into the Provider giving their family the new shoes they needed or those earrings their daughter wanted; like there was some kind of unspoken quota my dad knew about the Provider.
But you know what? Maybe there was…and maybe he did know. I’ve often wondered just how my father managed to get the goods he did…and how frequently. What did he know that no one else did? Why didn’t he tell anyone? Maybe I should be asking why nobody ever questioned it…
Well, like I said, I asked for nothing. When my mom found out that I had outgrown what little formal wear I had, she got quite upset. “Well that just won’t do,” she had said.
She dug through her closet and found a few dresses she had worn when she was young; beautiful dresses, in all honesty, and I was surprised at how well they fit. I’ll never forget the look on my mother’s face when I came out of the bedroom wearing her little black dress.
“Oh…” She had said, her eyes softening, “you look stunning.”
She smiled at me and I smiled back. There was a moment then, as we looked at each other, where our eyes seemed to say what we never could. It was the first, and last, compliment my mother ever gave me.
We had walked together to the party, mostly in silence but she did attempt small talk. My father had already been gone for two years by this point, and my mother had dropped whatever deadbeat boyfriend she had had previously. It was a tough time for both of us, but I felt strangely proud of her that night; she appeared to be having genuine fun socializing and she had hardly anything to drink. It seemed like a good night for her, like maybe she was getting better. I won’t lie; it gave me hope, too. Hope that our relationship could be mended. Hope that, maybe…I wouldn’t feel so alone anymore.
Kay was already at the community centre when I arrived; his parents always did some family celebration before the party so we couldn’t go together. I can’t help but laugh at the irony that the one day we aren’t attached at the hip is the day we really needed to be; our last day together and we hardly saw one another.
The community hall was rather large, considering the size of our town. There was a wall that split the room down the middle that had a small opening at the end that joined the two rooms together. The right side was mainly used for celebrations like today while the left side was usually vacant; it was meant more for casual drinking or games and had little in the way of furniture. Both sides of the hall, however, had gleaming hardwood floors and the townspeople were distributed across both sides today, drinking and dancing wherever their feet would happen to take them.
We had entered into the right side, where my mother took to socializing with a family she had slowly gotten to know over the years that my father was gone. You might even call them friends. As my mother left me to my own devices I instantly glanced around, looking for signs of Kay. I fidgeted in the dress my mother lent me, not used to showing so much skin. I finally caught Kay’s eye from the refreshment stand in the left-most room and I hurried over to him, checking my gait every so often to ensure I wouldn’t trip in the high heels I was encouraged to wear. I grumbled quietly to myself in frustration; if it was up to me I would have worn sandals.
Kay waved at me as he saw me draw near and called out to me. I could barely hear him over the music and chatter around me though and so I shot him a questioning glance.
“About time you showed up,” he said when I finally reached ear shot next to him, “I’ve been waiting for you all night.” He smirked and gave me a quick once-over. “Nice dress; I thought you said you didn’t have anything?”
“Yeah, well…my mom helped.” I nodded towards her, smiling at the warmth she seemed to exude today before turning my attention back towards my friend.
“Probably a good idea,” he said, glancing around the room, “I don’t think people would be impressed if you showed up in jeans and a t-shirt.”
I shrugged. “I don’t care what they think.”
Kay laughed. “Yeah, I know you don’t.” We stared at each other a moment with goofy smiles on both our faces.
“You clean up nicely yourself,” I had said as I looked him over; the black suit that our Provider offered him was a perfect fit.
He laughed as he looked down at his wardrobe, “Heh, thanks; not very often we get to celebrate, you know?” We weren’t standing there long when the music’s pace slowed and the lights dimmed considerably. Kay turned towards me, offering me his hand. “Would you like to dance?”
“I’d love to.” I beamed at him as he escorted me onto the dance floor. I put my arms around his neck as he rested his on my hips but he pulled at my dress with his fingers uncomfortably.
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
“…I wanted to talk to you about something.” He replied as he averted his gaze, his once smiling face now drawn in worry.
“That bad, huh?” The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering incessantly as I waited for him to gather the courage to say what was on his mind.
“…there’s something I want to get for you.” He had said finally.
I rolled my eyes. “You know I don’t want any gifts for Christmas or my birthday. I just enjoy the time I spend with you.”
“No, this is different. You turn eighteen soon and I wanted to get you something for the journey we’ll be starting.”
I didn’t mean to but I had laughed in his face. “Still expecting to find whales, are you?”
He smiled softly but shook his head. “Not whales…but I still believe there’s a better place for us out there. A beautiful place that’s meant for us…I want to take you there.” He had always seen so much in me; his faith was unwavering. I could never have a bad day with
Kay at my side.
“We will find it,” I had said at last, “maybe my dad has already found it…”
He pulled me in closer and hugged me tight, comforting me like he always did when I spoke about my father. “I’m sure he’s out there, waiting for us…”
I nodded solemnly and leaned my head against his. “Soon enough we’ll leave here…and we will find him.”
Kay said nothing and continued to hold me close as we danced but I kept thinking about what exactly he had wanted, ruining what little time we had together as my mind raced with ideas. In hindsight now I wish I had just savoured the moment.
“There’s something I need to do…” he whispered to me, “I have to go.”
It took me a moment to understand what he meant. “Go? You mean like…now?”
He ended our hug and finally gazed into my eyes as he spoke. “Yes - now.” Our faces were almost touching as he whispered his plans to me.
I was so confused. “Why now? What’s going on Kay…where exactly are you going?”
“…into the wasteland.”
My mouth went dry. “At night? What do you need out there? Why can’t you just stay?” I know I was pleading with him.
“My parents would never let me go and I’ll have no other chance to sneak away, what with all the functions going on for Christmas…and then your birthday will be here and it’ll be too late.”
“Like I said, I don’t need anything. Let’s just hang out like we always do while we prepare for your eighteenth and then…our adventure.” I smiled sadly at him, knowing his mind was already made up. I tightened my own grip around him.
“I need to do this. You might not understand right now…but you will.” He grinned at me and rested his forehead against mine. “I need to ask the Provider for something…special. I’ve seen your father head off to meetings with the Mediator at night and come back with gifts, so I plan to do the same.” He leaned back and lifted my face to look at him. “And when I come back…I’ll have something very important to tell you.”
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