Must I Repeat Myself...?

by Iain Hollingshead

  Jan Bardey

  Kineton, Warwickshire

  Neutralising clothing choice

  SIR – What a fuss about how to display children’s clothes. Why not call the rails “clothes often chosen by boys” and “clothes often chosen by girls”. That should keep everyone happy.

  Matty Thacker

  Tanworth-in-Arden, Warwickshire

  SIR – Kilts are the answer for all.

  Deirdre Lay

  Cranleigh, Surrey

  SIR – It is with great shock I read that Marks & Spencer is to shut 100 stores by 2022. Where is middle England to buy its underwear? Or can we expect the inhibited Brits to “go commando”?

  Guy Bennett

  Claygate, Surrey

  SIR – I notice in a local Marks & Spencer that there were many styles of jeans labelled Straight, but none marked LGBT. A missed opportunity, perhaps?

  Chris Burdon

  Rushmere St Andrew, Suffolk

  Sit down, shut up

  SIR – A lengthy visit to the lavatories in a trendy modern cinema complex gave me time to reflect on the current debate on gender-neutral facilities. Along with a dozen or so fellow queue-ers of various genders, I waited for one of five cubicles to become available, there being no urinals at all in the building.

  Surely the most sensible, efficient (and gender-neutral) method would be to have doors labelled “urinals” and “cubicles”. Individuals able to conduct their business while standing would use the former; anyone wishing or needing to sit down, the latter.

  Dr Martin Shutkever

  Pontefract, West Yorkshire

  SIR – I cannot understand the controversy over “gender-neutral lavatories” since they are to be found in every home in the country.

  G. Johnson

  Gateshead, Tyne and Wear

  Good Dave Hunting

  SIR – I am appalled at the news that there are fewer women CEOs than CEOs called Dave. This is clearly discriminatory against not only female executives but also all men who don’t have the good fortune to be called Dave.

  Keith Valentine

  Tunbridge Wells, Kent

  SIR – If women are able to do the same job as men for less salary it begs the question: why employ men at all?

  Elizabeth Hall

  Bradninch, Devon

  SIR – Regarding the role of men and women, I believe that my dear Grandfather Joe may have been well ahead of the game.

  On learning that his wife Annie was feeling unwell he magnanimously observed: “Well, if you are not feeling better by teatime, I’ll give you a hand with the washing up.”

  David Belcher

  Thatcham, Berkshire

  Keep clean and carry on

  SIR – Your article on circumcision reminded me of a story told by a girlfriend many years ago. Her fellow students at a convent school had discovered that a biblical passage referring to foreskins would be used in a forthcoming lesson.

  Accordingly, a selected girl raised her hand and asked: “Please, Sister Francis, what are foreskins?”

  Without batting an eyelid, the young nun replied, “Why, the skin from their forehead, of course” – and calmly carried on.

  John Martin

  Soberton, Hampshire

  SIR – My four-year-old daughter asked me why boys stood up to pee. Deciding she was probably ready for some basic anatomy, I asked her what little boys had that little girls didn’t have. She thought about it for a few seconds, and then said: “Action Man?”

  Rita Coppillie

  Liskeard, Cornwall

  Suffer the little children

  SIR – Some years ago, the church in south London where I sang removed some Victorian pews and moved them to the back of the church where they formed a “benched off” area for a creche. This became known as the King Herod Memorial Corner.

  Hilary Bentley

  Alderney, Guernsey

  SIR – When our daughter was going through the “terrible twos”, I asked our vicar if he could administer a “booster” baptism, as the first one hadn’t taken. Sadly, he thought I was being serious.

  Dr Peter West

  Bosham, West Sussex

  SIR – I have just received a guarantee for a new garage roof that excludes acts of God. I find this phrase somewhat anachronistic and I am sure that a more rigorous term could be devised.

  After all, atheists would deny that there was any such thing, while fundamentalists would hold that even a light drizzle is an act of God.

  Roger Jackson

  Heaton Moor, Cheshire

  SIR – Further to the letter regarding the “Knit & Natter” sessions introduced into her local library, our local church has had a similar group for several years now, universally known as “Stitch & Bitch”.

  Roger Brimble

  South Croydon, Surrey

  Here … comes … the .…

  SIR – As a church organist I have often had to play for a long time while awaiting a bride. My record is 45 minutes. When I was in the Philippines, I knew of a priest who always began the wedding service on time, whether the bride was present or not.

  Robert Ascott

  Eastbourne, East Sussex

  SIR – My husband and I exchanged rings 56 years ago. The vicar had no idea what to do: after my husband had endowed me with all his worldly goods I had to repeat the same promise, thus giving them all back to him. He reminds me from time to time.

  Judy Kirk

  Littleover, Derbyshire

  Over her dead body

  SIR – So many of my excellent suggestions and ideas are met with my wife’s response: “Over my dead body”.

  When she dies, I am going to have her cremated. Her ashes will be put in a Royal Navy brass shell case from the Great War, which currently contains the poker and brush in the drawing-room hearth. This will be sealed and lowered into a recess that I will dig on the threshold of the back door.

  Each time I leave the house it will be over her dead body. Everything will then be possible.

  Peter J. Robinson

  Lichfield, Staffordshire

  The affronted room

  SIR – Inspired by universities appointing safe-space marshals, I decided to declare the living room a safe space where my wife was no longer allowed to insult me. Having informed her of this new arrangement, she called me a cretinous buffoon.

  Is there a safe-space regulatory body, or does this count as a hate crime I can refer to the police?

  Paul Atkins

  St Albans, Hertfordshire

  Advertising your age

  SIR – A measure of one’s age used to be that policemen looked so young. That’s not so easy now given that one seldom sees the police.

  What I’ve noticed as I’ve got older is that the actors in Funeral Plan advertisements look like mere youngsters.

  John Kirkham

  Woodford Green, Essex

  SIR – Getting old is when your grandchild looks at your wife’s loyal kitchen gadget and says: “That is quite an antique; it could be worth a lot of money.”

  Jonathan E. Godrich

  Clee St Margaret, Shropshire

  SIR – Would you kindly stop telling those of us who live alone that we are lonely.

  It is making us feel lonely.

  Donald Mcnab

  Whitchurch by Tavistock, Devon

  SIR – Will Tracey Crouch, the new Minister For Loneliness, be given departmental staff, or will she have to face the job alone?

  Phil Sharman

  Herne Bay, Kent

  SIR – On a Royal British Legion tour abroad it seemed to be agreed by women of a certain age that the biggest catch is not a man with good looks, nor with brains or even with money, but a man who had a car and was still driving.

  Anthony Appleby

  Exeter

  SIR – I do so look forward to the day when I’m told that I look too young to travel on my Senior Railcard.

  Juliet Bothams

  Binsted, Hampshire

 
SIR – For years now I have been living in the diminishing hope that a shopkeeper would require some identification to prove my age when purchasing a bottle of wine.

  That hope has now been finally extinguished when my barber asked whether I was entitled to the OAP discount.

  Downhill from now on, then.

  Julian Waters

  Standford, Hampshire

  SIR – I am currently 70 years old and am still managing occasionally to “trip up” coming out of the pub. At what age do I describe such an episode as “having had a fall”?

  Anthony Peter Bolton

  Stretton, Shropshire

  Critical drinking

  SIR – I can only concur with the research undertaken by Oxford University into the beneficial sound of a cork being drawn from a bottle of wine. On many occasions my wife and I have described this as “the happy thuck”.

  Andrew Reid

  Campsea Ashe, Suffolk

  SIR – My bottle of wine tonight stated: “Best enjoyed young and cold”. But I am old and hot: what shall I do?

  Bernard Wilson

  Ramsbottom, Lancashire

  SIR – I’ve just bought a box of wine from a major supermarket on which is the sticker: “Lasts for six weeks from opening”.

  I only wish that were possible.

  Alan Green

  Moreton-in-Marsh, Gloucestershire

  SIR – I read that I need to reduce my alcohol intake. Having just retired I was looking forward to my regular 5pm tipple. May my wife transfer her 14 units to me, given that she is teetotal?

  Paul Vince

  Steeple Ashton, Wiltshire

  SIR – If drinking six glasses of wine a week knocks two years off your life, I must already be dead.

  Greig Bannerman

  Frant, East Sussex

  SIR – As Winston Churchill clearly knew, and lived long to prove it: alcohol is a preservative.

  Diana Spencer

  Herne Bay, Kent

  SIR – I see you have stopped reviewing beer in the Saturday edition. Can it be because the ridiculous modern trend of massively overdoing the hop has exhausted your stock of phrases to describe something that tastes like it has come out of the wrong end of a cat?

  Joe Kerrigan

  London W13

  SIR – I have it on the authority of my son, who was deployed to the South Atlantic guard ship as an RNR officer, that gin and tonic is not the same unless made with ice chipped from a glacier on South Georgia.

  Charly Lowndes

  Malvern, Worcestershire

  SIR – I wonder how many people guffawed when it was reported that airport operators say they sell alcohol responsibly. Whenever I fly from Manchester, it’s nearly always before breakfast, but even then it feels like I’ve been transported into one of the seamier Hogarth paintings.

  Nick Gillibrand

  Carnforth, Lancashire

  SIR – I have always looked at knitting bags with the utmost suspicion since my grandmother declared that a cylindrical one was the ideal hiding place for a bottle of whisky. She made this discovery while staying in a hotel that had no licence.

  Liz Young

  Long Marston, Hertfordshire

  SIR – What is this nonsense about Dry Januarys and now Sober Octobers? I abstain for half the year: I never touch a drop between midnight and midday.

  Nicholas Diment

  Emsworth, Hampshire

  SIR – Shortly after Christmas my partner and I were told that, every time someone chose to have a “Dry January”, somewhere in the world a barman died.

  On that, we decided upon a Moist January with occasional damp patches.

  Peter Sumner

  Ruan Minor, Cornwall

  The right sort of weather

  SIR – Given the admission by Keith Richards in your interview that he has recently given up drink and drugs, perhaps the current downturn in the weather is in fact hell freezing over.

  Tom Erskine

  Castel, Guernsey

  SIR – Even though the weather in February was atrocious our milkman still delivered the milk.

  Perhaps the dairy should bid to run a rail franchise.

  Steve Urwin

  Great Linford, Buckinghamshire

  SIR – Our milk was also delivered on time as usual. We did, however, have to put it in the fridge to thaw it out.

  Allan Kirtley

  Chobham, Surrey

  SIR – I have found a use for the rubber bands discarded by Royal Mail.

  A couple of bands slipped over the widest part of each shoe gives a little more grip when stepping out these frosty mornings to collect The Daily Telegraph.

  Tony Greatorex

  Syston, Leicestershire

  SIR – While driving in a blizzard through Leeds city centre, I witnessed a traffic warden brushing the snow off the windscreen of an abandoned car and placing a parking ticket behind the wiper. I hope the recipient tore it up.

  Sue McFarland

  Little Bytham, Lincolnshire

  SIR – Listening to Radio 4, I was pleased to hear a school mistress defending a pupil’s right to throw snowballs against a school master who had banned the annual fun. Then she spoilt it all by saying she preferred to build a “snow person”.

  Heaven help us all.

  David Mawson

  Chesterfield, Derbyshire

  SIR – Having donned my arctic gear in order to go to the supermarket I called at my elderly neighbour’s house to ask if anything was required.

  “200 cigarettes, a bag of toffees and next week’s TV guide,” came the reply.

  Vera Shaw

  Maidenhead, Berkshire

  SIR – I visited my local supermarket this weekend for the first time since reports that the great British public has been panic buying for essentials in the bad weather.

  Sure enough, many shelves had been picked bare. Bread? Fine. Chicken? Okay. Bottled water? Sensible. But strawberries? Is irony finally dead?

  Nick Dillon

  Hasketon, Suffolk

  SIR – My husband’s only concession to the present cold temperatures was to dig a path from the utility back door to the various dustbins, in order that I could get there more easily.

  I very much appreciated his kindness.

  Judith A. Scott

  St Ives, Cambridgeshire

  SIR – Could the Met Office issue me with a wind chill factor for my wife’s hands and feet at bedtime?

  Charles Pressley

  Goring-by-Sea, West Sussex

  SIR – The travelling difficulties associated with February’s bad weather led many to heed the authorities’ advice to work from home. This has led to a new word in our house: gumfing (getting under my feet).

  Gabriella Gordon

  Thames Ditton, Surrey

  SIR – Now that the snow is thawing, will the drivers of 4 × 4s stop looking so smug and superior?

  Peter Lally

  Broseley, Shropshire

  The annual grind

  SIR – Spring must be on its way. The sun is streaming through an open window and faintly in the distance I can hear my first angle grinder.

  Terry Warburton

  Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire

  SIR – In early March I go into the garden, catch hold of winter by the throat and ritually strangle it. The incantation I chant at the same time is unprintable but effective.

  Roy Jones

  Quorn, Leicestershire

  SIR – After the last few summers that we’ve endured, isn’t it a refreshing change to grumble about the heat?

  Alan Thomas

  Caerphilly, Glamorgan

  SIR – In the drought of 1976, South West Water Authority suggested that its customers “shower with a friend”. When will the Environment Agency ask us to “blush not flush”?

  David Latham

  Great Shelford, Cambridgeshire

  SIR – This summer is no match yet for that of 1976. My wife and I were married on 28 August that year, after nearly thre
e months with no rain. We had Handel’s Water Music played at our wedding and, sure enough, it rained right on cue.

  The vicar had ammunition for at least three sermons in the following weeks.

  James Farrington

  Colemans Hatch, East Sussex

  SIR – In the summer of 1976 we recycled every drop we could, including using bath water to irrigate the vegetables.

  We had a bumper crop of healthy, succulent cucumbers, but we couldn’t eat any of them. They all tasted of Lifebuoy soap.

  Liz Wicken

  Foxton, Cambridgeshire

  SIR – Following the last hose-pipe ban, my local pub posted a notice outside which read: “Owing to water shortages, beer will now be served only at full strength.”

  Sandy Pratt

  Storrington, West Sussex

  SIR – How many times must I refrain from running the tap while cleaning my teeth in order to save enough water to fill my neighbour’s swimming pool?

  Janet Williams

  Chudleigh, Devon

  The Cork weather scale

  SIR – If the Met Office is thinking of adopting local dialects to describe degrees of rain, they could do worse than the slang we used when we lived in Cork.

  1: Soft (Misty); 2: Spitting (Light spots); 3: Squally (Rainy and windy); 4: Pissing (A regular shower); 5: Flogging (Heavyish rain); 6: Lashing (Very heavy rain); 7: Bull rain (You wouldn’t put a dog out in it); 8: Bucketing (Holy Mother of God); 9: Pelting (By the Lord Harry); 10: Milling out of the Heavens (It Must Be August).

  Graham Masterton

  Tadworth, Surrey

  SIR – Here in South Lincolnshire we have had a lazy wind. It would rather go through you than round you.

  Doug Braybrooks

  Cowbit, Lincolnshire

  SIR – I yearn for the return of those weather maps of yesteryear with their distinct isobars, warm fronts and the occasional “occluded thingy”.