Must I Repeat Myself...?

by Iain Hollingshead

  Alan Hughes

  Berwick-upon-Tweed, Northumberland

  SIR – Austerity must really be biting. It seems that every time we see a Minister marching towards Number 10 they are clutching a non-recyclable cup of coffee from Costa or Starbucks. Can Downing Street really not afford to make them a cup of coffee?

  Geoffrey Nobes

  Locks Heath, Hampshire

  SIR – Some things seem better than they’ve been for years (unemployment, real wages, the FTSE); others are looking the worse for wear (retailing, sterling, the housing divide).

  As a 50-something female economics graduate, I’d say that “menopausal” about sums it up.

  Ruth Corderoy

  East Hagbourne, Oxfordshire

  SIR – Perhaps Ben Broadbent could have saved himself an awful lot of opprobrium had he simply described the unproductive economy as “flaccid”.

  Sylvia More

  Frodsham, Cheshire

  Swinging Richard

  SIR – It is believed that Big Ben was named after Sir Benjamin Hall, First Commissioner for Works at the Houses of Parliament, whose name is inscribed on the bell.

  It is just as well his name was not Sir Richard Hall.

  Tony Weller

  Yate, Gloucestershire

  Meet, greet, defeat

  SIR – The slogan of the 1960s was: “Join the army, see the world, and meet people” – although there were derivatives, some of them pejorative.

  Today, one might say, in the spirit of the MoD’s new campaign, “Join the army, see the world, hug people, and each other.”

  Greg Waggett

  Clare, Suffolk

  SIR – Is the old song “Kiss Me Goodnight, Sergeant Major” about to become a reality?

  Barbara Dixon

  Mansfield, Nottinghamshire

  SIR – When I was at Mons in 1965 we were addressed at our first parade ending with the words: “Remember, you are officer cadets so I call you Sir. I am the Regimental Sergeant Major so you call me Sir. The difference is that you mean it and I don’t.”

  Simon Davey

  Wilsford, Lincolnshire

  SIR – I have no problem with women integrated into male units in barracks, just as in civilian offices, but women living alongside men is asking for trouble.

  The Peshmerga in Iraq have the right idea with women-only combat units: these would certainly scare the hell out of me.

  Lt Col Nick Moulton-Thomas

  Oman

  The metal of mettle

  SIR – Regarding the debate about whether to put a statue of the late Baroness Thatcher in Parliament Square, apparently a statue of her has already been made out of bronze. Which humourless artist passed over the opportunity to immortalise the Iron Lady in the metal of her epithet?

  Dewi Eburne

  Cambridge

  SIR – I saw the recently erected statue of Millicent Fawcett in Parliament Square. Not a bad effort technically, but why is she, a feminist icon, depicted waving a dishcloth apparently advertising beer [“Courage calls to courage everywhere”]?

  They might as well have put her behind an ironing board.

  Mark Stephens

  Hungerford, Berkshire

  Spot on, Minister

  SIR – Too many universities generate increasing numbers of degrees which inevitably diminish their value.

  Sir Humphrey Appleby in Yes, Minister had it right with his throw-away line: “We have to look after our universities – both of them.”

  Arthur W. J. G. Ord-Hume

  Guildford, Surrey

  Bercow’s amateur dramatics

  SIR – I am currently sitting outside a drama rehearsal room while my daughter practises a monologue about a monkey. I am passing the time reading the Telegraph online. At the precise moment that I opened today’s story about John Bercow I heard my daughter screech: “That horrid little creature”.

  Coincidence?

  David Jordan

  Broad Town, Wiltshire

  SIR – Is there any chance that tradition could be reversed, and MPs be allowed to drag the protesting Speaker away from the House of Commons Chair?

  Tony Lank

  Hurstpierpoint, West Sussex

  SIR – Having survived yet again, is Mr Bercow in competition with Larry the Downing Street cat for who has the most lives?

  Bill Hodgman

  Gosport, Hampshire

  Party animals

  SIR – It is hardly surprising, given his weedy appellation, that Larry “The Lamb” is an ineffectual mouser. They should rename him Cromwell.

  Richard George

  St Albans, Hertfordshire

  SIR – How refreshing to see that the Foreign Office cat, Palmerston, has been fulfilling his state duties conscientiously. My own solidly built ginger tom has also enjoyed the parliamentary summer recess, bringing home numerous mice and voles to my dispatch box.

  His name? Boris.

  Mike Hames

  Cradley, Herefordshire

  Bridge over troubled water

  SIR – Building a bridge over the Channel, as Boris Johnson has suggested, does not strike me as an obvious way to “take back control of our borders”.

  Tim Beechey-Newman

  Caversham, Berkshire

  SIR – I fully support a bridge to France, but could we have one first?

  George Bristow

  Brading, Isle of Wight

  SIR – I do applaud Boris Johnson’s bridge-building ambitions across the Channel and to Northern Ireland. A trial run for those aspirations might be found, however, within his own party.

  Andrew Johnston

  Dumfries, Dumfriesshire

  SIR – As one who walks on water, why does Boris need a bridge?

  Dr P.E. Pears

  Coleshill, Warwickshire

  SIR – What happens when traffic from the UK, driving on the left, meets traffic from France driving on the right?

  Peter Sauntson

  Collyweston, Northamptonshire

  SIR – Our Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, seems somewhat obsessed with nominal alliteration, whether it’s bikes, buses, bridges or Brexit.

  One feels that British influence abroad may be greater enhanced by a wider exploration of what the rest of the alphabet has to offer.

  Graham Hoyle

  Baildon, West Yorkshire

  SIR –

  Boris Johnson’s Bridge of Size,

  He eats far too many pies

  To be allowed upon it.

  (This is not a sonnet.)

  Peter Wyton

  Gloucester

  SIR – An acrostic for Boris:

  Bombastic

  Outrageous

  Ridiculous

  Injudicious

  Scruffy

  Moira Merryweather

  Worthen, Shropshire

  SIR – Please could you ask Jo Johnson to take his brother along with him the next time he visits his barber and insist that Boris has the same style.

  Lynne Waldron

  Woolavington, Somerset

  SIR – Is it cynical to suggest that Boris’s threat to lie down before the bulldozers at Heathrow, if carried through, might ease two of Mrs May’s problems in one fell stroke?

  Colin Stone

  St Cellardyke, Fife

  SIR – Now that Boris Johnson no longer has a ministerial car it means he is on his bike. Thank heavens for that.

  Terry Reeves

  Coventry, Warwickshire

  George of all trades

  SIR – George Osborne has yet another job. Who does he think he is? Tony Blair?

  C. Williams

  Coedpoeth

  Encore, Tony!

  SIR – The more Tony Blair says that the voters got it wrong, the more determined people will be in favour of leaving the EU. More please, Mr Blair.

  Anji Patterson

  Camberley, Surrey

  SIR – Tony Blair has said he is on the verge of setting up a new political party.

  I
t will require a name. I suggest Brass Neck.

  Graham Hitchcock

  Bexleyheath, Kent

  SIR – Tony Blair says Brexit would be an historic mistake. It takes one to recognise one.

  Roger Welby-Everard

  Caythorpe, Lincolnshire

  Direct democracy

  SIR – In view of his disdainful reference to “the tyranny of the majority”, perhaps Kenneth Clarke might care to consider how he was elected to parliament.

  Robin Denny

  Windsor, Berkshire

  Paying for the End of the Affair

  SIR – The President of the EU parliament, Antonio Tajani, has described Britain’s Brexit divorce bill offer of £20 billion as “peanuts”.

  The contribution represents around £500 per UK family. That’s a heck of a lot of peanuts.

  Eddie Hooper

  Gravesend, Kent

  SIR – If Brexit is a divorce then we are the party who should be claiming alimony, citing unreasonable behaviour by the other party.

  Keith Horsfall

  Swaffham, Norfolk

  SIR – If I share a round of beers with 27 of my friends, I pay my share. But if I leave the pub before my friends, I do not keep paying their rounds for the next five years.

  Jeremy Maddocks

  London SW6

  SIR – Will I be required to continue to pay towards the pension of the newest greenkeeper if I decide to leave the golf club?

  Ian Goddard

  Wickham, Hampshire

  SIR – When considering the EU I am reminded of a comment by one of my schoolmasters to my class.

  “Boys,” he said. “Individually you’re all right. But when you get together you have all the attributes of a mob.”

  Mike Aston

  Stourbridge, West Midlands

  SIR – Most certainly we should honour our forward commitments to the EU. I suggest we use the German system of selecting how one should decide which they are. We should also use the French speed of settlement and the Brussels level of financial probity and regularity of reliable auditing.

  Hugh Davy

  Thames Ditton, Surrey

  SIR – Five years to leave the customs union? We won a war in a shorter time.

  Barry Hughes

  Lytham St Annes, Lancashire

  SIR – If General de Gaulle were still here, he would probably pay us to go.

  Martin Bloomfield

  Kingston, Surrey

  SIR – If we stay in the EU we could have about 60 MEPs and get rid of the rest. The Houses of Parliament could be made into flats.

  Bill Smith

  Cheam, Surrey

  SIR – I voted for Brexit, but the more I hear of the bickering and backstabbing of the MPs of my party and their juvenile and dangerous attempts to be “youthful and popular”, together with the insane economic utterances of the Labour party, the more I like the sound of unelected Brussels bureaucrats.

  David Wiltshire

  Bedford

  Barnier storming

  SIR – My Remainer friends have become immune to jibes about being a remoaner or a remainiac, but using the expression, “Your pal Barnier …” is guaranteed to bring instant outrage.

  Peter Miller

  Sunninghill, Berkshire

  SIR – The EU’s Brexit negotiating tactics remind me of a Morecambe and Wise sketch, often repeated. Ernie would take a grip on Eric’s shoulder and say “get out of that without moving”.

  D.P.

  Horsham, West Sussex

  SIR – Has anyone else noticed the unfortunate aptness of Michel Barnier’s surname, with bar meaning to prevent or obstruct and nier being French for “to deny”?

  Peter Ford

  Coulsdon, Surrey

  SIR – An erudite acquaintance recently introduced me to the word ineptocracy in relation to the EU.

  My classical education suggests that kakistocracy has a more succinct definition.

  Richard A.E. Grove

  Isle of Whithorn, Wigtownshire

  SIR – I have been musing about the New Year’s Resolutions Michel Barnier might have jotted on the fly leaf of his diary. The most likely I can come up with is the wisdom of the great Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte: “Never interrupt your enemy while he is making a mistake.”

  Peter Hall

  Marden, Kent

  SIR – As a Brexit backup plan, Longwood House on Saint Helena should be redecorated to Mr Barnier’s preferred colour scheme.

  Gwynne Owen-Smith

  Ashford, Kent

  SIR – We knew it would have to be a no-deal Brexit when we realised that Mr Barnier uses his middle finger to adjust his glasses.

  Andrew Thomas

  Malvern, Worcestershire

  SIR – Would it help the Brexit negotiations if the main protagonists swapped at half-time? The UK would benefit from Michel Barnier and his team who realise that we are leaving and act accordingly, and the EU would get the lukewarm semi-Remainer leadership which we have endured so far.

  Mark Robbins

  Bruton, Somerset

  Sudden death negotiations

  SIR – If Mrs May’s team cannot agree a Brexit deal with the EU by March 2019, might I suggest a penalty shoot-out? Suddenly I fancy our chances.

  Peter Gale

  Oxted, Surrey

  SIR – The way things are progressing, the new Brexit mantra should be “Everything is agreed until nothing is agreed”.

  Anne Grice

  London SW14

  SIR – Theresa May’s red lines now resemble watching butter melt.

  Dr Anthony Hawks

  Kingston Seymour, Somerset

  SIR – It is with good reason that Chequers is referred to as Mrs May’s retreat.

  Clive More

  Maidenhead, Berkshire

  SIR – Are Brexit-supporting Ministers who refuse to resign from office now best described as remaining leavers?

  Barrington Mumford

  Bristol

  SIR – Your front-page headline, “Is anyone brave enough to sign May’s death warrant?” prompted my wife to respond: “Give me a pen.”

  A.D. Elworthy

  Tiverton, Devon

  SIR – A day in the life of a Conservative MP, July 2018.

  7am – Rise.

  7.30am – Take breakfast while reading The Daily Telegraph’s Letters page.

  8am – Search for a new job.

  It’s not too late for them to do something about it.

  Chris Tyrrell

  London E1

  SIR – I’ll bet the Lady’s turning now.

  Timothy Dyson

  Eaton, Nottinghamshire

  SIR – Where is Geoffrey Howe when you need him?

  C.A. Delahunty

  London W2

  SIR – Has anyone else noticed that Theresa May walks like a question mark?

  Richard Castle

  Tetbury, Gloucestershire

  SIR – I note that Theresa May is not a quitter. There’s the problem.

  A.J. Good

  Helston, Cornwall

  SIR – Isn’t that what David Cameron said just before he quit?

  Mike West

  Eastleigh, Hampshire

  SIR – Ted Heath can finally rest easy and stop sulking: the UK now has a Prime Minister even more useless than he was.

  Simon Baumgartner

  Hampton, Middlesex

  SIR – The present political shenanigans bring to mind the supposed Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times”. Or perhaps this should be, “May, you live in interesting times”.

  Alan Cox

  St Clears, Carmarthenshire

  SIR – Mrs May has expressed a desire to bring the country together. She is succeeding: more and more voters are against her.

  Alan B. Thomas

  Warrington, Cheshire

  SIR – If Theresa May had been Prime Minister in June 1940:

  “We shall make clear our intention to defend our island, within agreed fi
nancial limits as set out by the Office for Budget Responsibility; we shall discuss areas of disagreement with our European neighbours on the beaches; we shall conduct impact assessments on the landing grounds; we shall seek parliamentary approval for our negotiating position in the fields and in the streets; we shall convene Cobra in the hills.”

  Kim Thonger

  Finedon, Northamptonshire

  SIR – Hayley Hughes from Love Island admits to not having a clue about Brexit, but is Theresa May any better?

  T. Bradshaw

  Oxford

  SIR – I don’t know why the House of Lords has tried to wreck the Brexit process when Mrs May is doing a perfectly good job on her own.

  Philip J. Honey

  Retford, Nottinghamshire

  SIR – Once upon a Brexit dreary, as she

  pondered weak and weary.

  Over many a difficulty, irritation

  and conspiracy.

  Suddenly there came a tapping, that

  or whispering of sacking.

  Multitudes of people laughing,

  just outside the PM’s door.

  Tis just bluster so she muttered

  only that and nothing more.

  (With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)

  John C. Salisbury

  Mold, Flintshire

  SIR – As a former regular at the Coach and Horses (Norman Balon’s old pub), I know that his impressive negotiating skills would have achieved an exit by now.

  Marcus Rowell

  London SE28

  SIR – I suggest a new tactic regarding Brexit.

  We should withdraw our request to leave. Vote against or veto every proposal put before the EU parliament. Be generally as obnoxious as Jean-Claude Juncker and the other unelected officials.

  After a couple of years they will be begging – and might even pay – us to leave.

  Jim Bellingall

  Aylsham, Norfolk

  SIR – If we had Donald Trump as Prime Minister, we would have threatened to “nuke” Strasbourg and Brussels, to block the Channel Tunnel and build a wall around Europe by now.