Must I Repeat Myself...?

by Iain Hollingshead

  1815 and all that

  SIR – Once the conservation work on the Waterloo and Trafalgar paintings in the House of Lords has been completed, I suggest we offer them to the French as the reciprocal loan to the Bayeux Tapestry.

  Tom Mullarkey

  Ellonby, Cumbria

  SIR – Can we please have the parts of France that are rightfully and historically ours. I refer to Normandy, Poitou, Anjou, Gascony, Calais and especially Brittany (it’s even got our name on it).

  Living by the North Sea, I also notice that the tide goes out every day. We all know where that goes. It must stop. Perhaps we could borrow Donald Trump’s wall builders when he has finished his own wall.

  Michael Dines

  Lowestoft, Suffolk

  Governing bigly

  SIR – My six-year-old grandson asked me whether I had made a Christmas cake and what was on it.

  Yes, I told him, and there were penguins.

  “How many penguins?” he asked.

  “Eight.”

  “My cake will have more penguins than that,” he said. “And it will have seals as well, and it will be bigger.”

  Remind you of anyone?

  Jennifer Paddock

  Sprowston, Norfolk

  SIR – We will know that President Trump is serious when he uses our granddaughter’s ultimate threat: “You will not be invited to my birthday party.”

  David Priscott

  Lavant, West Sussex

  SIR – “Much more humble than you would understand” or “very stable genius” – which is it to be, Mr Trump?

  Brian McDowell

  Tavistock, Devon

  SIR – Now we know that Dr Harold Bornstein’s amusingly hyperbolic 2016 report on Donald Trump’s health was in effect written by Mr Trump himself, I have another reason to look forward with keen anticipation to reading the President’s obituary.

  Andrew Mackenzie

  Glasgow

  SIR – There are two things I do not understand: quantum physics and how Donald Trump is still President.

  A.J.C. Gorman

  Ickenham, Middlesex

  SIR – When you learn that an entrepreneur in the United States has been selling flamethrowers to members of the public, without let or hindrance, you cease to wonder at their choice of President.

  Hugh Bebb

  Sunbury-on-Thames, Middlesex

  Stormy times ahead

  SIR – At my age and a little hard of hearing, I was extremely relieved to read that Stormy Daniels was not another weather system but merely a front of a different kind.

  Kim Potter

  Lambourn, Berkshire

  SIR – Whiling away a spare moment, I attempted an anagram of “Stormy Daniels”, the porn star suing the President.

  All I could come up with was “Money”, “Liars” and “STD”.

  Geoffrey Jarvis

  Aboyne, Aberdeenshire

  SIR – Your headline quotes Trump stating: “When I make promises, I keep them”. I wonder what the text is of the marriage vows in Florida.

  Adriaan Stoop

  Cardiff

  Welcome to Britain, Mr President

  SIR – It would appear that Trump’s visit to the UK is back on the cards. Great news for the tomato industry.

  Robert Fromow

  London SW1

  SIR – The American President says that “Brits like him a lot”. Can we have a referendum on that, please?

  Derek Porter

  Woking, Surrey

  SIR – As President Trump seems so keen on Boris, perhaps he could be persuaded to take him back home with him.

  Peter Ferris

  Witham, Essex

  SIR – If we are to have a trade war with the US, please let us ban the import of Americanisms.

  No more gonna, no more wanna and definitely no aloominum.

  Anthony Millington

  Le Bourdeix, France

  SIR – It’s really great that Great Britain has such a great relationship with such a great country as America – so much greater than the really great relationships we have with all of the other great countries in our great world.

  Oh Lord, give me another adjective.

  George Acheson

  Fakenham, Norfolk

  SIR – The only Prime Minister who has ever had the courage to stand up to the President of the USA is a fictional one played by Hugh Grant in the film Love Actually. In Trump-speak: SAD.

  Dr Peter Merry

  Norwich

  SIR – I have always felt that the description of POTUS as “Leader of the Free World” is somewhat offensive, but have never felt strongly enough to voice the opinion.

  Given that Trump’s policy of “America First” and his infinitely thick orange skin means that he will continue his bullying, narcissistic meander through the organisations and governments that are supposed to be his partners, perhaps we should have a national agreement to stamp out the phrase.

  He won’t notice, but it will feel good.

  Paul Cash

  Maidenhead, Berkshire

  SIR – It seems that Doughmore Beach in Ireland, where President Trump has his exclusive golf club, is eroding.

  How beautifully ironic it would be if he had to build a wall – and pay for it.

  Bev Collins

  Droitwich Spa, Worcestershire

  SIR – We are told that President Trump is teetotal. Might things be diplomatically more straightforward if he were not?

  Patrick Maclure

  Winchester

  SIR – Trump is said to be tired of Theresa May’s “school mistress” tone.

  Perhaps he hasn’t noticed that the rest of the world is exasperated by his “schoolboy” tone.

  Sheila Robertson

  London W11

  SIR – It appears that Mr Trump is making America grate again.

  Martin Bloomfield

  Kingston upon Thames, Surrey

  Fringe benefits

  SIR – On reading about Donald Trump’s expensive treatment for hair loss, I might have a solution: get someone to whack him on the head. Last year I sustained a head injury just inside the hairline. A few months later new hair started to grow and I am now sporting a very nice new fringe.

  Julia Wilson

  Rainham, Kent

  SIR – Why is it that President Trump, who comes from the land of the free – also the land of the (mainly) natural looking toupee and rug – won’t avail himself of his country’s expertise?

  Wilma Haley

  Doncaster, Yorkshire

  SIR – Does Airforce One have a tanning machine?

  Ian McKenzie

  Pavenham, Bedfordshire

  SIR – Surely the best thing Donald Trump could do would be to have a sponsored head shave.

  It could raise millions for charity and allow the world to see him in a more positive light – for now.

  Garry Gibson

  Jedburgh, Roxburghshire

  When Donald met Kim

  SIR – Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un: unstoppable farce meets immovable despot?

  Charles Janz

  London SW14

  SIR – What might the diplomatic gifts be between the men who want everything?

  C.J. Fletcher

  Stanton St John, Oxfordshire

  SIR – I wonder if, in the interests of world peace, somebody could persuade Twitter to delete President Trump’s account.

  John Wilson

  North Cadbury, Somerset

  SIR – I wonder if there is any provision in the Agreement signed between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un for a hotel and golf course to replace the dismantled and destroyed North Korea nuclear sites, with the craters to be used as bunkers.

  Josh Cosnett

  Oxted, Surrey

  SIR – Does Donald Trump do his oversize signature with a felt pen because they don’t allow him sharp objects?

  Bruce Cochrane

  Bridge of Allan, Stirling

  America’s gunfight />
  SIR – When the last two Americans shoot each other dead, the country will get the message. Too late, alas.

  Richard Statham

  Langport, Somerset

  SIR – Americans can keep their guns as long as they ban ammunition.

  Jan Bardey

  Kineton, Warwickshire

  SIR – Good thing they don’t have knives in America; otherwise it will look like a war zone.

  Howard Boughtflower

  Princes Risborough, Buckinghamshire

  SIR – A colleague at the school I work at has devised the absorbing game of “Which five staff should we arm?”

  It is a deeply engrossing game and has caused lively debate around the building among staff and pupils.

  I recommend it to all workplaces as an interesting digression.

  Noeleen Murphy

  London SE22

  SIR – I can just imagine my grumpy old history teacher in his dusty robes with a Glock on his hip. He was dangerous enough with a blackboard rubber. He would have shot the whole class before lunchtime.

  Graham Masterton

  Tadworth, Surrey

  Syrian de-fence

  SIR – I had been undecided about what action we should take in Syria, if any, but now that I hear Tony Blair is advocating direct intervention, I’ve suddenly come down off the fence.

  Alan Eastwood

  Knutsford, Cheshire

  SIR – If we attack Syria, will our bombs be nice, kind, democracy-producing bombs, like the ones we used in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya?

  Dr Christopher Madoc-Jones

  Denbigh

  SIR – Would it not be more effective, as a direct deterrent to Assad, and more acceptable to many than the destruction of equipment and other people’s lives, simply to spray indelible ink over his palatial complex?

  Imagine the inconvenience, the worldwide ridicule and ignominy.

  Chris Williams

  Adlington, Cheshire

  SIR – We have learnt that four RAF planes took part in the bombing of Syria.

  Unfortunately, due to the recent defence spending review, it’s likely this was the entire RAF.

  Joe MacVeigh

  Romford, Essex

  Aw-gag-nanm

  SIR – I regret the downfall of President Mugabe because I could always remember his name as E-ba-gum backwards. Mnangagwa is difficult to remember forwards or backwards.

  Frank Hill

  Malvern, Worcestershire

  Then in Rome

  SIR – Back in the 1930s, Mussolini once said, “It’s not impossible to govern Italy, merely pointless.”

  It seems not a lot has changed.

  Roger Chappell

  Allesley, Warwickshire

  Charity away from home

  SIR – I was stunned to hear of Oxfam employees paying for prostitutes.

  When I was manager of an Oxfam shop I was earning £3.60 an hour.

  How on earth could they afford them?

  M. Bowman

  Shrewsbury, Shropshire

  SIR – The news of the Oxfam scandal has a similar effect for most people as learning that one’s revered grandmother has been charged with shoplifting.

  Brian Checkland

  Thingwall, Wirral

  Global goodbyes

  SIR – Some 20 years ago I found myself in a multinational group of people parting company on a busy street corner in Paris. There were English, French, Germans, Australians and Japanese in the group. The French kissed everyone on both cheeks; the Germans shook hands; the Australians slapped everyone on the back; the Japanese bowed; and the English stood around looking bemused.

  I often wonder how the resulting pantomime appeared to passers-by.

  Sally Gibbons

  London SW19

  Parlez-vous Franglais?

  SIR – There is an obvious solution for the French concerning their problems with Franglais – opt for English as their primary language.

  Comme ça – or “sorted”, as they may say in the new vernacular.

  John R.M. Prime

  Havant, Hampshire

  SIR – Could there be a use at last for Esperanto as the official language of the anticipated European military?

  William Fisher

  Hungerford, Berkshire

  Dish of the day

  SIR – While lunching in France during a year abroad over 30 years ago with a fellow language student (who was American), he asked the waiter in his limited French for “un doggy bag” for the remains of his rather large steak.

  Looking puzzled, the waiter went away, and came back later with a parcel wrapped in newspaper.

  It contained bones for a dog.

  Margarete Isherwood

  Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

  SIR – Nick Timothy is right to suggest that everyone who resides in this country should at least speak the language. However, there are many Britons living and retired in places like Spain who use English in a loud voice to get by, and if that doesn’t work, shout.

  Imagine a Pakistani or Polish person trying that method in Tesco over here.

  Michael Sarling

  Braintree, Essex

  SIR – Language problems certainly made a dinner at a restaurant in Rome extremely expensive. We were delighted to have the attention of the friendly effusive owner.

  “Have this on the house?” he kept asking about successive dishes.

  Of course we agreed.

  When the enormous bill arrived we discovered that “On the house” really meant “House speciality”.

  Danny Koffman

  London NW4

  SIR – A Dutch airline pilot once told me that “Dutch is not a language, more of a throat infection”.

  Mary Baker

  Henham, Hertfordshire

  THE USE AND ABUSE OF LANGUAGE

  Keyboard worrier

  SIR – Having just received the third work email of the day starting “I hope you’re well?” I need advice.

  Should I tell the sender how I am? Should I reply, pointing out the stray question mark? Or should I sigh, mutter and respond to the email with the lingering feeling that somehow I am missing the opportunity to go into full Victor Meldrew mode?

  Or is it possible that no one else cares?

  Steven Broomfield

  Eastleigh, Hampshire

  Monsieur Le General n’est pas chez lui

  SIR – I am sure it is right to ban cold call centres based both here and overseas. However, I shall miss answering in one of my many guises – from being a grumpy retired French general to being an excited Italian diplomat and speaking in the smattering I possess of their mother tongues. Such great, free entertainment will come to an end.

  Ron Kirby

  Dorchester, Dorset

  SIR – Notifying a motor insurer of change of address:

  Me: “Bexhill hyphen on hyphen Sea.”

  Call centre: “How do you spell hyphen?”

  Denis Durkin

  Bexhill-on-Sea, East Sussex

  SIR – If I get one more email this October containing the phrase “spooktacular deals”, I am going to go out and bite somebody.

  James Bibby

  Prenton, Wirral

  Word search

  SIR – Where on earth, or in the waters under it, may I find a cod with an accent?

  Chris Spurrier

  Eversley, Hampshire

  SIR – Is there any other daylight apart from broad?

  Judith Manderioli

  London W13

  SIR – How does a pause become pregnant, and how long is the gestation period?

  B. Leonard

  Cardiff

  SIR – Should it not be grocers’ apostrophe rather than grocer’s?

  After all, lots of them do it.

  Michael Cheetham

  Hurstpierpoint, West Sussex

  SIR – What’s the difference between modern emoji and Egyptian hieroglyphs?

  Paul Spencer

  Thame, Oxfordsh
ire

  SIR – Back in the old days, no one said back in the day.

  Martin Burgess

  Beckenham, Kent

  SIR – Why is it that Cabinet members are reshuffled while a pack of cards is simply shuffled?

  Dick Raffety

  Chew Stoke, Somerset

  SIR – Given the closure or reduced opening hours of many high-street banks, is it still appropriate for there to be bank holidays?

  Sue Gresham

  Holt, Norfolk

  SIR – Can “anecdotal evidence” include talking to oneself?

  Peter Walton

  Wilmslow, Cheshire

  SIR – One of my sons phoned today and said he’d just had a long “oneversation” with his youngest sister. Fellow listeners won’t require any explanation.

  Kevin Heneghan

  St Helens, Lancashire

  The Irish question

  SIR – My confusion over the Irish border negotiations is compounded by the fact that whenever an Ulster politician or correspondent says whenever, they actually mean when. “Whenever Theresa May comes to Belfast” doesn’t mean she is a regular visitor and may actually mean she hasn’t yet visited at all.

  Can I humbly suggest that Northern Ireland adopts the word when like the rest of the world?

  Keith Valentine

  Tunbridge Wells, Kent

  Clock wisdom

  SIR – One useful spin-off from learning to read a clock face is the concept of clockwise or anticlockwise, expressed in a single English word.

  For example, the French for “anticlockwise” is “dans le sens inverse des aiguilles d’une montre”.

  I wonder how they translate the title of John Cleese’s film.

  Arnold Burston

  Burton-on-Trent, Staffordshire