Must I Repeat Myself...?

by Iain Hollingshead

  SIR – Had my eight-year-old daughter not understood instructions using the concepts of clockwise and anticlockwise, she would still now be stuck in a toilet in Austria.

  Valerie Atkin

  Sheffield

  Thyme servers

  SIR – Driving past Ford prison today I saw that the inmates have renamed their farm shop. It’s now called “Serving Thyme”.

  Philip Moger

  East Preston, West Sussex

  SIR – The former wife of a football coach who posted a full English breakfast through his letterbox was sentenced to a 12-month community order. She should do porridge.

  R. Allan Reese

  Dorchester, Dorset

  SIR – You report on a barrister who is suing his firm over a spanking session with a colleague on office premises. He was apparently suspended some months after the incident and with no trace of irony complained to a legal website about “disciplinary proceedings” brought against him.

  No doubt he enjoyed them.

  Ian Prideaux

  London SW4

  Carillion regardless

  SIR – Which bright spark thought it was a good idea to use a corruption of “carrion” and “ill” as the name of a public company?

  John Curran

  Bristol

  SIR – I was very sorry to hear of the demise of that national chain of stores. I shall now always think of it as “Toysaurus”.

  Jeremy Douglas-Jones

  Swansea

  Embarrassing emphases

  SIR – Many people complain that they have been in some way harassed – with the accent on the second syllable. None of them appear to be embarrassed (with the accent on the third syllable) by so doing.

  I find this strange. I also think that Michael Crawford, playing Cornelius Hackl in the film Hello, Dolly!, has a lot to answer for.

  Terry Whiting

  Lincoln

  SIR – I suggest the re-emergence of the word unbecoming as an alternative to inappropriate. This charming word brings to mind the film Conduct Unbecoming. Both the storyline and the title would be most pertinent in today’s age of #MeToo.

  Jonathan Dart

  Sherborne, Dorset

  SIR – If Harvey Weinstine pronounces his name Winesteen, does that mean that German beer is now served in a steen? And what about Alfred Einstine?

  I just wish someone would make a definitive ruling on this because I’m getting awfully confused.

  Robert Paterson

  Speen, Berkshire

  SIR – Pronunciation is a useful means of differentiating between the inhabitants of this modest seaside town. Those who say Seaford are intelligent locals; those who say Seaford are ignorant invaders.

  Diana Crook

  Seaford, East Sussex

  SIR – Can we add staycation to the growing list of language abominations?

  Geoff Pursglove

  Snarestone, Leicestershire

  Sweet talk

  SIR – A Virgin Trains passenger has complained about being addressed by staff as “Honey”. She’d better stay clear of Devon. During a recent telephone conversation with the proprietrix of a Dartmouth pet shop, I was addressed as “My lover”.

  I was delighted.

  George S. Pearson

  Southsea, Hampshire

  SIR – Some time ago my elder brother came to assist me in a loft clearing job. He had borrowed a Ford Mondeo for the task. We made regular visits to the council tip. I was driving my Mercedes.

  During our second of many visits we realised that I was addressed as Governor and he as Mate.

  Anthony Scouller

  Banstead, Surrey

  SIR – In my 79th year I am frequently patronised as “love”. I have found that my reply, “Bless you my child”, makes a point, and at the same I accept the well-meant greeting.

  Revd Keith Horsfall

  Swaffham, Norfolk

  SIR – I have a fairly deep voice and am frequently perceived to be a man when on the phone, usually getting called Sir.

  On saying to one man, “It is Madam, actually”, the reply was, “Sorry, love”.

  Grrrrr.

  Jan Reeks

  Gloucester

  Hello, boys (and girls)

  SIR – Given that one can now be censured for “misgendering” an individual, can I now complain when, in a group of both men and women, I am greeted with the term, “Hello guys”?

  Jennifer Franklin

  Pontefract, West Yorkshire

  SIR – Celia Walden rightly baulks at the Shadow Chancellor’s use of the term “fisherpeople”. I wonder when, so as not to cause offence, Mr McDonnell will refer to “the taxperson”.

  Tim Matthews

  London N6

  SIR – It’s a good job the Apostle Peter didn’t take Jesus literally when told he’d been made “a fisher of men”, otherwise no women would have been saved for us (saved) chaps.

  J. Eric Nolan

  Wilpshire, Lancashire

  SIR – You report that Oxford academics are asked to use writers’ first names, rather than initials, “to make it clearer which are female”.

  How are they to cite George Sand and Evelyn Waugh?

  Prof. Rennie McElroy

  Carlops, Peeblesshire

  SIR – If boys wearing skirts becomes the norm, isn’t there a very real danger that the expression “to de-bag” will disappear from the English language?

  Jasper Archer

  Stapleford, Wiltshire

  SIR – With the need to adopt gender-neutral language, I am at a loss as to how, in future, I should state my name.

  B.D. Chapman

  Sidmouth, Devon

  Nothing like a dame

  SIR – With the publication of the New Year Honours List many of us are, once again, struck with the ridiculousness of this title of “Dame” and its connotation of pantomimes and Widow Twankey, while citizens of other countries use the word as a semi-derogatory term.

  Any suggestions anyone?

  David Gunn

  Shipston-on-Stour, Warwickshire

  SIR – One hundred years after suffrage, women should rebel against the repellent label “feisty”. It derives from the Middle English verb “to break wind”, which was so regularly applied to small dogs that “feist” became a term for a snappy lap-dog: dogs with flatulence were commonly believed to be more aggressive.

  Caroline Moore

  Etchingham, East Sussex

  SIR – Your editorial today must have been written by a bloke because it showed a shocking lack of precision concerning the female pudenda.

  “Vulvas?” Even with my O-level Latin, failed three times, I know it should be vulvae.

  It all reminded me of that A.P. Herbert poem:

  That part of a woman’s anatomy

  That most appeals to Man’s depravity

  Is constructed with considerable care

  And what appears to be a common little cavity

  Is really an elaborate affair.

  I could go on but don’t want to frighten old brigadiers over their brekkie.

  Rosemary Foster

  Angmering, West Sussex

  Teaching the one R

  SIR – I’ll tell you why we need grammar schools. This morning Radio 4 talked to two teachers, one of whom announced: “Our school has children between eleven to sixteen; I teach them English.”

  Brenda Frisby

  Cottesmore, Rutland

  SIR – We don’t need any weird “reading revolution”; just leave the cornflakes packet on the breakfast table. I was quite fluent in the early 1930s after a year or two of Post Toasties.

  Tim Topps

  Oxford

  SIR – My father was called “cheerfully incompetent” in a report by one of his teachers. He became a highly successful corporate finance director for Midland Bank and I am pleased to say that he remained cheerful throughout his career.

  Pauline Lucas

  Southend-on-Sea, Essex

  SIR
– I well remember one master writing in my end of year report, “John remains as incorrigible and enigmatic as ever.”

  At the time he was, thankfully, blissfully unaware that I had recently seduced his daughter.

  J.W.

  Driffield, East Yorkshire

  SIR – If the handwriting of the nation’s children is as bad as they say it is, there should be no problem filling all the vacant NHS medical posts when they graduate.

  David J. Hartshorn

  Badby, Northamptonshire

  Tricky pill to swallow

  SIR – I have sometimes suspected that the naming of new, invariably polysyllabic, drugs is achieved by selecting quantities of consonants and vowels more or less at random.

  The latest among these, Canakinumab, becomes infinitely more memorable if read backwards.

  Dr Lawrence Green

  Langley, Warwickshire

  SIR – The failure of the contraceptive pill among first-time users is probably a direct result of the BBC’s repeated references to the aural contraceptive. Dangerous too, as pills are difficult to remove from the ear.

  Malcolm Shifrin

  Leatherhead, Surrey

  SIR – In the 1970s my wife was working on an ENT ward where a trainee nurse was told to give a patient two suppositories. A little later these were removed from the patient’s ears and popped into the correct orifice with better results.

  Robert Hurlow FRCS

  Marnhull, Dorset

  SIR – If “spotted dick” is to be relegated to being solely a dermatological entity, must “cock-a-leekie”, likewise, become a term confined entirely to urological practice?

  David Abell

  Portsmouth

  SIR – When I was a publican I always told my patients that I had the best surgery in the village.

  Prescriptions were relatively inexpensive and 95 per cent of people went away happier than when they arrived.

  David Smith

  Cudworth, Somerset

  Money for nothing

  SIR – I am constantly reading signs on “holes in the wall” that offer “free cash” – and yet when I use them to withdraw cash my bank account gets debited.

  Surely this is a case of blatant misrepresentation?

  Linda Lewin

  Teddington, Middlesex

  SIR – A small van passed me yesterday bearing the legend: “Making tomorrow a better place”. I think they’ll need a bigger vehicle.

  Tim Nicholson

  Cranbrook, Kent

  SIR – Since retiring I have lived very happily in a bungalow. Or at least I thought I had. A local estate agent is offering a dwelling very similar to mine which is described as a “single-storey house”.

  I await with interest the appearance of a two-storey bungalow.

  D. Hodgkiss

  Cranleigh, Surrey

  SIR – I was intrigued by the report suggesting that the terms “drug addict” and “junkie” should be replaced by a reference to the person having a “heroin use disorder”.

  I’m wondering whether burglars will be described as someone having a “property ownership confusion disorder”.

  Malcolm Allsop

  Wroxham, Norfolk

  War of words

  SIR – I should have more faith in the sombre warnings of General Sir Nick Carter if he could accurately pronounce the word nuclear.

  Ged Martin

  Youghal, County Cork, Ireland

  SIR – Now that the letter H is pronounced Haitch, should we refer to Y as Yigh?

  James Stevenson

  Kingsbridge, Devon

  SIR – Let’s just give in and agree. The second month of the year is Febry.

  Dr P.E. Pears

  Coleshill, Warwickshire

  SIR – Is it an Americanism to refer to a stroke in a sentence as a slash?

  In my book, the latter is a basic bodily function.

  Nevill Swanson

  Worcester

  SIR – The late Jim Bowen may have uttered 43 smashin’s in half an hour, but he is put in the shade by a young American man I once overheard in the pub. He managed to squeeze the word like into a conversation 15 times in just 20 seconds.

  Seán Bellew

  London W12

  SIR – How does one explain to someone trying to learn the English language that, after cutting a tree down, we then cut it up?

  Chris Cansdale

  Latimer, Buckinghamshire

  SIR – Many people seem to be filling out forms these days. Whatever happened to filling in?

  Peter McPherson

  Merriott, Somerset

  SIR – The words floor and ground seem to have become interchangeable. Should I have the misfortune to fall over, the floor would be a preferable surface as it may be carpeted.

  Valerie Hogg

  Glasgow

  SIR – As well as changes in the meaning of some English words, I’ve noticed new meanings for acronyms. STD was Subscriber Trunk Dialling; PMT Potteries Motor Traction (a large ’bus company); and AI was Artificial Insemination.

  Arnold Burston

  Rolleston on Dove, Staffordshire

  SIR – Good luck to Velcro with their beautifully polite attempt to deter others from using their brand name as a generic. Hoover and Biro didn’t have much luck.

  Sandra Hawke

  Andover, Hampshire

  SIR – Woodbridge Town Council has announced new signage in an attempt to “badge our assets”.

  I believe Adam and Eve did something similar with fig leaves.

  Michael Hughes

  Wickham Market, Suffolk

  SIR – Surely everyone now realises there is no noun that cannot be verbed.

  Emeritus Professor Geoff Moore

  Millport, Ayrshire

  SIR – I’m always proud when I have lettered in The Daily Telegraph.

  Andrew Holgate

  Poynton, Cheshire

  Back to basics

  SIR – Have I really just witnessed Fraser Nelson, one of the best political journalists in the country, using the term “revert back” in today’s edition? If he was quoting a Dutchman then he is forgiven.

  Brian Wilson

  Glasgow

  SIR – I was sat at breakfast yesterday reading The Daily Telegraph and my wife was stood next to me.

  We are both horrified by this popular abomination of the English language but have decided to join in just to annoy ourselves.

  Mark Stephens

  Hungerford, Berkshire

  The two Ronnies

  SIR – Who are the “two Rons” that the weather forecasters and newscasters at the BBC keep alluding to? Every day they keep mentioning “Later Ron” and “Earlier Ron”, but there is never a mention of who they are or where they reside.

  Derek Partner

  Chiddingfold, Surrey

  SIR – We’re often told that snow and ice will be treacherous. How so? As far as I am aware, they owe allegiance to no one.

  Andrew Blake

  Shalbourne, Wiltshire

  SIR – Scottish place names are quite wonderful things for faux swear words.

  Following the weather forecast, having seen some of the lesser-known settlements throughout Scotland appearing on our screens, we are tempted from time to time to utter something about Socialist Fochabers, or that Ecclefechan Jeremy Corbyn (or Nicola Sturgeon).

  However, we avoid using Unst, as it is simply too rude.

  Andrew H.N. Gray

  Edinburgh

  Hello, this is the BBC

  SIR – BBC Radio Four seems to have abandoned “Good morning/afternoon/evening” in favour of the gratuitously informal “Hello”.

  They should never have got rid of dinner jackets.

  Joseph B. Fox

  Redhill, Surrey

  SIR – Is there a competition to find the fastest-talking speaker on the BBC?

  Joyce Whitfield

  Wirral

  SIR – According to the BBC, the police force has been replaced
by the pleece.

  M. Hely

  Banham, Norfolk

  SIR – Has anyone else noticed the stealthy appearance of a new television channel called BBC Toe?

  Paul Machin

  Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

  SIR – Is anyone else irritated by being ordered to “relax” on Classic FM?

  Dr Peter I. Vardy

  Runcorn, Cheshire

  SIR – I was amused to see on BBC Breakfast television this morning an interview with a Cromer fisherman wearing a T-shirt upon which was printed Aaaah – Soles. Fortunately this was not spotted by the BBC.

  John Grandy

  Bourton, Dorset

  SIR – An enjoyable distraction at my gym is reading subtitles generated by speech recognition software. I have seen them identify leading politicians such as: “A mandible Macaroon”; “Ahmed-in-a-dinner-jacket”; and “Barack, a bomber”.

  Antony Thomas

  Esher, Surrey

  SIR – On Wednesday’s BBC News “the Prime Minister’s top lieutenants” became “the Prime Minister’s topless tenants”.

  Eugene Harkin

  Bolton, Lancashire

  THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT?

  They all play in a blue submarine

  SIR – The picture of the submersible used to photograph the deeps of the ocean on Blue Planet does seem rather small. Just where do they put the orchestra that seems to accompany them everywhere?

  Robert Ward

  Loughborough, Leicestershire

  Everyday story of intergalactic folk

  SIR – I have just listened to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy followed by The Archers. I noticed no difference in the plot.

  Cenydd Thomas

  Brecon

  SIR – Can anyone tell me why the producers of The Archers bother with an agricultural adviser? He must be exceedingly bored.