Scream queens
SIR – A friend knocked on the door during Wimbledon. She thought somebody was dying; it was only Maria Sharapova.
Brenda Tuppen
Storrington, West Sussex
SIR – I am watching the tennis from Eastbourne on the television but I am concerned that I may be guilty of aiding and abetting the BBC in breaking the recent law concerning upskirting. Any advice from your legal team would be much appreciated.
John Miles
Ely, Cambridgeshire
SIR – Much as I enjoy the skill, tenacity and flair of Rafael Nadal, I do wish someone would advise him to buy a larger pair of shorts and underpants as watching him adjust them before every service is somewhat irritating.
Alma MacLeod
Newcastle upon Tyne
SIR – Why is the BBC so obsessed with showing slow motion shots during Wimbledon?
While this is sometimes useful to demonstrate the various styles of play, why do we need to see close-ups of the back of players’ shoes, and worse still, the drops of sweat coming from Nadal’s nose?
Bob Kingsland
Stroud, Gloucestershire
SIR – It might be opportune to remind television producers at Wimbledon that we don’t switch on to see funny hats, or to spot somebody’s Mum or girlfriend among the spectators.
Derek Burrows
Liverpool
Royal Mail in a flap
SIR – Royal Mail’s management has banned the England flag from their vans during the World Cup.
I’d rather they banned postmen’s shorts flying at half-mast.
David Wright
West Malvern, Worcestershire
SIR – In this hot weather, I have discovered a use for the England flags adorning my neighbour’s house and car. They are a useful indicator of wind speed and direction, assisting in the prudent opening or otherwise of windows in order to cool down our house.
Ann Garbett
Sheffield
World Wrestling Cup
SIR – I am a fan of wrestling and am delighted that referees now allow the best of wrestling in the Football World Cup.
Brian Birkenhead
London E1
SIR – Is there an orthopaedic specialist who can explain to me how a World Cup footballer writhes in agony after a tap on the ankle but a short while later scores a goal and emerges unscathed from a mobbing by a human pyramid of his team-mates?
George Pearson
Southsea, Hampshire
SIR – Germany has been knocked out of the World Cup.
I believe this is not the first occasion that the Germans have left Russia earlier than expected.
M. Rogers
High Roding, Essex
SIR – In Salisbury a nerve agent to deter the opposition; in Volgograd, in the World Cup, a plague of flies.
Whatever next?
Barrie Taylor
Christchurch, Dorset
SIR – Many thanks for Saturday’s headline in the Sport section: “‘My team-mates are like brothers to me’, says Kane.”
I was wondering how to begin Sunday’s sermon.
Revd Geoff Richardson
Torquay, Devon
SIR – It appears that wedding guests may abscond because of the football, resulting in a thin attendance. I suggest that vicars use the hymn boards for showing the score. If you can’t beat them, join them.
Robin Graham
Broughton, Cambridgeshire
SIR – If anyone would like a ticket to The Winter’s Tale at the Globe Theatre on the night of the World Cup semi-final, I have a spare one.
My wife will be next to you and will provide congenial company, as long as the conversation does not stray onto difficult topics, such as football or marriage.
David Hipshon
Twickenham, Middlesex
SIR – It’s probably just as well England have not reached the World Cup Final.
As I understand it, Theresa May had already agreed to let France win five nil.
David S. Sandhurst
Chaffcombe, Somerset
SIR – How I wish that the World Cup could take place annually instead of every four years. I love the wonderful empty roads every time a significant game takes place.
Janet Newis
Sidcup, Kent
THE ROADS MUCH TRAVELLED
Pot luck
SIR – I am perplexed by the constant moaning about the number of potholes on our roads. In my own case it has led to me stepping up my concentration levels to avoid them and thus other road users.
I think the government is to be congratulated on this latest road safety initiative.
R.B. Pugh
Worcester
SIR – As chewing gum so effectively adheres to road surfaces and pavements, could it not be utilised in the repair of potholes?
Tim Watson
St Albans, Hertfordshire
Self-cleaning cars
SIR – Great news that Dyson is producing an electric car. Presumably this will come with various attachments for cleaning?
Fiona Wild
Cheltenham, Gloucestershire
SIR – In the future, when two driverless electric cars meet, headlamp to headlamp, on a single-track road, will the one with the higher-charged battery resort to road rage?
Robert Vickers
Meltham, West Yorkshire
SIR – If electric car charging points are to be installed on our lamp posts, have the authorities considered how many dogs may be electrocuted?
Chris Spurrier
Eversley Cross, Hampshire
SIR – Driverless lorries? I am sure there are thousands of commuters on Southern Rail who would much prefer to see the introduction of driverless trains.
Bruce Chalmers
Goring-by-Sea, West Sussex
Virgin voyage
SIR – I read that Sir Richard Branson is preparing to blast off into space. Will he be returning? These are tremulous moments for the beleaguered passengers on Virgin Trains.
Jo Bird
Slapton, Devon
SIR – Vodafone is to install a mobile network on the moon. A signal in my garden would be nice.
Simon Harris
Falcutt, Northamptonshire
Quiet revenge
SIR – A few years ago, on the whispery commuter train from Salisbury to London, a boorish young man entered the quiet carriage. Manspreading on a corner in the centre of the carriage, he proceeded to make a series of loud and brash business calls.
Telegraphs rustled and glances were exchanged with heavy sighs, but nothing happened until the young man received a loud ringing call and the caller was obviously his wife.
At this point a gloriously elegant woman rose from her seat and walked down the aisle, leant over his shoulder and said in a ringing throaty voice: “Darling, why don’t you put that silly thing down and come back to bed?”
Mandy Peat
London SW4
SIR – Packed like sardines on a train from Woking to Waterloo forced me to stand next to a young woman applying makeup. Brushes, lotions and potions were in use, as was what looked like a Dulux colour chart.
The final stage involved something that might have been used during the Spanish Inquisition applied firmly to each eye.
Was it worth it? Not so much. Her face had gone from white-ish to magnolia-ish. And she nearly poked her eye out. But it made the journey more interesting.
Eldon Sandys
Pyrford, Surrey
SIR – If the gentleman who pushed past me at Waterloo Station on Wednesday is reading this, I would like to inform him that, having tripped over his case on wheels, the pain is now easing and I have managed to get an appointment with the chiropractor.
Margaret Scattergood
Knowle, West Midlands
Return to vendor
SIR – A farming friend told me of going on a pre-war school visit to London as a child.
There were no hi-vis jackets availabl
e but his mother stitched a milk churn label into his jacket, which said: “Return empty to Hazelwood station”.
Edward Spalton
Etwall, Derbyshire
Passion wagon
SIR – Your article suggests checking under the seats before taking your car into the garage.
Perhaps you should also check the boot, as my daughter’s boyfriend failed to do when his car was towed to a garage following a crash in the Welsh lanes.
He’d left a gross of new condoms littered across the floor of the car boot.
Not only did he fail to mention to the mechanics that he worked in sexual health, he also failed to count the condoms on the car’s return.
Judy Parsley
London W4
Grand designs
SIR – I was amused to read about the Daimler that had been buried in a reader’s back garden.
This sort of thing was common practice in the 1950s and 1960s when I grew up because people had difficulty in getting rid of unwanted items.
I remember telling my husband that my father had buried a bed, including the mattress, in our back garden.
He replied that his father had buried a grand piano in his grandparents’ back garden.
Christine Tomblin
Cotgrave, Nottinghamshire
Road rage
SIR – Perhaps the Manchester police, while endeavouring to catch motorists with mispositioned satnavs, could spare some time to prosecute those who dare to dangle furry dice, mini football boots and other paraphernalia from their rear-view mirrors.
Malcolm Goldie
Hildenborough, Kent
SIR – The trouble with people who drive flashy cars is that they all seem to be driving behind sneering wheels.
Peter Gilbert
Thames Ditton, Surrey
SIR – Autumn is officially here. It’s only half-past October and I’ve just seen my first car with its rear fog light illuminated in bright sunlight in the middle of the day. I’m assuming that it will stay on until April.
Anya Spackman
Watton-at-Stone, Hertfordshire
SIR – When it comes to fake news and misinformation, I would like to nominate the computer which controls the overhead gantries on the M25. It is wrong at least 90 per cent of the time.
Frances Dennett
Epping, Essex
Selfish selfies
SIR – Twice this week I have driven along the A303 past Stonehenge without being delayed by people slowing down to take selfies with the stones – once in the dark and once in thick fog.
This suggests that, instead of replacing the stretch of road with an expensive tunnel, the traffic flow could be improved by erecting a blackout curtain.
Fiona Stevens
Castle Cary, Somerset
You are here
SIR – As an optometrist, I ask my patients if they wear their spectacles for driving. A common answer is: “Only if I’m going somewhere I don’t know.”
Vivian Bush
Hessle, East Yorkshire
SIR – Yesterday my wife used the satnav system in our car and, as a result, we now measure in kilometres; the settings and language are all in German; and our home has moved from Eastbourne to Crawley.
I would congratulate her if I had any idea where she was.
Mark Rayner
Eastbourne, East Sussex
You say stop
SIR – When I was in South America, an old hand explained the local etiquette at traffic lights: Green means “go” and red means “have a go”.
Osmund Stuart Lee
Limpsfield, Surrey
SIR – There’s little we should borrow from the French, but alongside better weather and proper wine, their habit of turning traffic lights to flashing amber when traffic is light seems an admirable idea.
Peter Owen
Woolpit, Suffolk
Unwanted litters
SIR – There is an increasing road hazard on our roads. It was once the occasional cyclist, but on weekend mornings, it’s now a group of middle-aged people, three riders wide and 20 metres long, all trying to pedal slowly in the most expensive bikes and gear.
I have been trying to work out a plural phrase for this hazard and the best I have thought of so far is “A litter of Lycra”.
Mike White
Walsall, Staffordshire
SIR – My wife arrived home yesterday from her regular Friday shop in an unusually happy frame of mind.
It transpired that she had not encountered a single cyclist on the 12-mile round trip.
Roger Wardle
East Horsley, Surrey
SIR – Isn’t it about time that we started prosecuting pedestrians?
After all, they make the lives of cyclists a misery by constantly walking on the pavements and getting in their way.
Dave Bassett
Crosby, Lancashire
Cocking a snook
SIR – I once stayed at a bed and breakfast whose address was Court Cocking in St Ives. The landlady was rather pleased with the name but annoyed at the number of times the sign had been stolen.
Peter Boyle
Whitchurch, Shropshire
SIR – I worked for several years next to a company building that surely had one of the worst addresses in the country: Hide, Skin and Fat Ltd, Gas Street, Mumps, Oldham.
Philip Hirst
Ashton-under-Lyne, Lancashire
SIR – Living in Essex, near Chelmsford, I regularly drove past a village called “Howe Green”. Its name was proudly displayed on a prominent board. Each time I wanted to stop and add the words: “… was my valley”.
Fortunately, I resisted the temptation.
Colin McLean
Cley-next-the-Sea, Norfolk
SIR – Walking along the cliffs at Scarborough I noticed one bench facing out to sea, whereas its neighbours all faced inland.
I bent down to read the dedication: “Excuse me, you’re blocking the view of my yacht.”
I found myself apologising to it, before moving on.
Barbara Mills
Harpenden, Hertfordshire
Bonty Mcbontwyneb
SIR – The Welsh are demanding to choose the name for the second Severn crossing. When the public are allowed to choose new names, something unsuitable is apt to emerge: what’s Welsh for Bridgey McBridgeface?
Fiona Wild
Cheltenham, Gloucestershire
SIR – With the rejection of The Prince of Wales as the name for the New Severn Bridge in favour of a person who has done something for Wales, may I suggest Sir Tom Jones.
Freddie Royston
Alton, Hampshire
ROYAL BLUSHES
Fleeing the flight path
SIR – Almost 50 years ago my father was seated next to the Duke of Edinburgh at a luncheon. Making small talk, His Royal Highness asked my father where he lived.
“Windsor, Sir,” said my father, “but we are shortly moving to Hampshire to get away from the aircraft noise.”
“You are very fortunate,” said the Duke. “Sadly, we can’t.”
Jeremy Spencer-Cooper
Easebourne, West Sussex
SIR – My favourite recollection of the Duke of Edinburgh was after lunch in the Officers’ Mess with senior staff at RAF High Wycombe. The mess steward, who was handing out the hats at the door, gave the newest and shiniest, not unnaturally, to HRH.
A recently promoted Air Commodore was left holding the scruffiest. He was last seen running across the car park shouting: “Sir, I think you have my hat.”
Stuart Fowler
Cheltenham, Gloucestershire
Family firm
SIR – “Zara Tindall hints at future with Royal Studs”, says your headline.
Does Mike know about this?
David Salter
Kew, Surrey
SIR – How wonderful to know that our Queen is expecting again! Another record in her long reign!
Yesterday’s Telegraph: “Also in attendance
was Zara Tindall, pictured curtseying to her grandmother, who is pregnant with her second child.”
Dave Bacon
Vale, Guernsey
SIR – Could no one from Help the Aged step forward to prevent a 92-year-old lady being subjected to the two-hour ordeal of the Royal Variety Show?
John Smart
Thornage, Norfolk
Welcome, Prince Dragon
SIR – The new prince, born on St George’s Day, cannot be called George as that name is already taken.
Perhaps they could call him Dragon.
Roy Bailey
Great Shefford, Berkshire
SIR – What a pleasant surprise to see an immaculate-looking Duchess of Cambridge leaving hospital so early after giving birth. Presumably they needed the bed and the social worker deemed home conditions suitable for discharge?
Dr Bob Donald
Budleigh Salterton, Devon
SIR – I understand that in Britain during 2017 not a single boy was given the name Ian. I trust that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will shortly take steps to restore its popularity.
Ian Burton
Boxmoor, Hertfordshire
SIR – I am always intrigued by the delay in naming a Royal baby: do you think they have been taken by surprise?
Bill Gladstone
Solihull, West Midlands
A child is for life
SIR – My wife and I are amused by all the articles preparing the Duchess of Cambridge to handle the onset of a “Threenager”, having survived the “Terrible Twos”.
Must I Repeat Myself...? Page 10
