Must I Repeat Myself...?

by Iain Hollingshead

SIR – Matt’s 30th anniversary has brought back memories of my late father, who for many years was organist at a church in Harrow-on-the-Hill. During the week he would cut out all the Matt cartoons and take them to church on Sunday. The very quiet congregation would be waiting for the service to begin and guffaws of laughter could be heard coming from the vestry.

  My embarrassed mother would say in a stage whisper: “Oh, that’s your father again, showing his Matt cartoons to the clergy.”

  Jennifer Russell-Hawkins

  Northwood, Middlesex

  SIR – Please pass my grateful thanks to Matt for the first wraparound that has not gone straight into the recycling bin.

  William Pease

  Southam, Warwickshire

  SIR – 50 years of reading the Telegraph:

  8,000 Matt cartoons

  10 Prime Ministers

  14 General Elections

  5 Popes

  1 Trump (unfortunately)

  Keith Davies

  Telford, Shropshire

  What’s in a name?

  SIR – Sophia Money-Coutts; Lady Alice Manners; Boudicca Fox-Leonard.

  If I hadn’t been sea-fishing with Boudicca I might think these names were made up. Do any Jane Smiths get jobs at the Telegraph?

  Richard Mockett

  Elsted, West Sussex

  SIR – Please put me out of my misery. Is the surname of your feature writer Tom Ough pronounced Ooh, Oh, Ow, Off, Uff or Aw?

  Meriel Thurstan

  Stoke St Mary, Somerset

  Down with this sort of thing

  SIR – Tunbridge Wells has been voted one of the happiest places to live in Britain.

  I’m disgusted.

  Dr Bertie Dockerill

  Shildon, County Durham

  Your more humble servant

  SIR – You appear to have had a plethora of letters from Lieutenant Colonels, Wing Commanders, Commanders RN (retd) of late.

  I wonder if anyone can enlighten me – at what level of seniority is it considered acceptable to use one’s ex-military rank in a signature?

  Could I, for example, using my highest rung on the promotion ladder, sign myself

  Your Humble Servant,

  Lance Corporal Steven Broomfield (retd)

  Fair Oak, Hampshire

  Fair hand

  SIR – My wife claims she is far too busy to even read the Telegraph Letters page, let alone find time to write any letters. I conducted an informal time and motion study on my wife’s activities this morning and am reluctantly inclined to agree.

  Bob Gould

  Selsey, West Sussex

  SIR – It was wonderful to see so many letters from women in today’s Letters page. In order to keep up this progress, please feel free to include this one from me in tomorrow’s paper.

  Rita Coppillie

  Liskeard, Cornwall

  SIR – For 30 years I have been in a race with my husband. Who would be first to have a Letter to the Editor published? He won today. Many congratulations or, in the words of the Bard, I scorn you, scurvy companion.

  Susan McFadzean

  Swansea

  SIR – Has anyone ever complained that all letters seem to start with “Sir”?

  Richard Hodgkiss

  Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

  County lines

  SIR – As an avid reader of Daily Telegraph letters I thought it might be interesting to note over a month their sources.

  Unsurprisingly, London came top (42) with Edinburgh (4) and Cardiff (2). The best-represented counties were Surrey (32), Hampshire (28) and Kent (23), followed by Essex, Suffolk and Berkshire clustered around 13.

  Humberside was the only English county not represented at least once.

  In Scotland, Renfrewshire and Wigtownshire featured twice, as did Clwyd, Gwent and Gwynedd in Wales. A singleton from Antrim represented Northern Ireland.

  Thus the largest numbers were from the Home Counties if one were to include Hampshire and Suffolk.

  Although this exercise was just fun for a Dry January, I recall Tom Lehrer introducing his song listing all the chemical elements as potentially being useful “in a somewhat bizarre set of circumstances”.

  Graham Cooper

  Idmiston, Wiltshire

  SIR – Has your correspondent Mick Ferrie moved from Mawnan Smith to Falmouth?

  I think we should be told. Migration on this scale is a threat to the very fabric of Cornish life.

  Hugh Davies

  Porthgwarra, Cornwall

  The readers have spoken

  SIR – Perhaps this year “Letters to the Editor” could be re-named “Still, Small Voices”.

  Or, in election seasons, “Beware the Fury of a Patient Man”.

  Graham Clifton

  Kingston upon Thames, Surrey

  SIR – This week I received, and have read, your latest volume of unpublished letters.

  Prior to that I had started to re-read, for the umpteenth time, the earlier books, and am currently on I Rest My Case …

  Three things occur to me. Firstly, the British humour is as eccentric and eclectic as ever.

  Secondly, we are still getting hot under the collar about the same subjects. The names of politicians/footballers/celebrities may have changed but the same rants are still there.

  Thirdly, and this worries me, there does seem to be a high number of correspondents writing from my county.

  Does this mean we are more erudite, or that we ought to go out and get a life?

  David Gegg

  Ebley, Gloucestershire

  SIR — I have just finished reading your latest brilliant compilation of unpublished letters to the Telegraph: Did Anyone Else See That Coming …?

  I was somewhat perturbed that there were two significant contributors missing. The first was myself, as it’s been a rather unsuccessful year for my letters, I’m afraid.

  More worrying was the absence of “M”, your Bristol-based asset with his (?) unique ramblings.

  Have the Russians got him, or worse yet SPECTRE? Or has he simply run out of one-time pads?

  Charles Smith-Jones

  Landrake, Cornwall

  The last laugh

  SIR – To the folk who publish Telegraph letters

  You obviously think you are my betters.

  It seems to me it’s purely spite,

  When you fail to publish what I write.

  Subjects chosen are in the news,

  And mine are good, constructive views.

  I believe my complaint has just cause,

  Yours sincerely, Dennis Dawes.

  Dennis Dawes

  Winchester

  P.S.

  Dear Iain,

  Thank you for your letter asking if I mind you potentially including one of my letters in Must I repeat Myself…? Of course I give my excited, happy permission for you to do so. My Christmas-gifting friend will also be thrilled.

  I know you said replies were only necessary in the negative, but golly me, how uncouth.

  Every best wish,

  Anne Jappie

  Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

  Dear Mr Hollingshead,

  I am delighted to learn that I am to have a letter in your new publication Must I Repeat Myself…? You have very kindly published some of my letters in your main paper (43 at the last count) but I have never had one in your Am I Alone in Thinking…? series.

  I shall ask for it for Christmas.

  Best wishes,

  Diana Crook

  Seaford, East Sussex

  Iain,

  Thanks for your letter. Most of my letters to the Telegraph have been sensible. However, the odd one would even have been rejected by me.

  I wouldn’t dream of preventing you from using any of them, but since you offer anonymity, I’d quite like to know which one you’ve chosen, just in case it sounds barking mad a few months later.

  Philip Hirst

  Ashton-under-Lyne, Lancashire

  Thank you for your let
ter about my letter. Please could you tell me which piece of spluttering outrage you might include? My book is about to be published and my lovely Guardian reading agent might disassociate himself with me.

  I’ve read and enjoyed most of your series and given them as presents to other splutterers.

  Best wishes,

  Jacky King

  Castle Cary, Somerset

  Mr. Hollingshead,

  As I received two letters, does that mean that two letters of mine will be published? Hopefully.

  Robert Ward

  Loughborough, Leicestershire

  First published in 2018 by White Lion Publishing

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  Introduction copyright © 2018 Iain Hollingshead

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  Digital edition: 978-1-78131-797-6

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