When I heard that, I thought to myself, That’s a little much. I mean, sure, maybe sometimes I drove myself home from a party when I was a little too buzzed to drive. But I wasn’t going to have that be my whole goal for the evening. I kept talking to her, to be nice. But I couldn’t really respect her after that.
The thing you had to respect, though, was that the private school girls knew how to party. They always brought a bottle of something. They shared their pot. They danced, whether anyone else was dancing or not. They had good advice about the college admissions process. Most importantly, they always showed up.
That August, just before school started, we were eager for another legendary party. We thought all parties should be legendary. We tried hard. We shouted Here’s Johnny! when we walked in the door. We made party mixtapes. We got so good at beer pong it wasn’t fun anymore so we made up new games; we set up empty bottles and shattered them with a bowling ball Richard bought at a thrift store (we called it Bowling Rock), we chanted the sacred team songs. Everything was exactly right, but something was always wrong.
One night, at Ham’s, I found a bottle of whiskey in Ham’s dad’s office and I took it outside. I went and stood at the edge of the yard. I wanted to think about how I was watching my life more than living it. I looked at the sky and it felt true. It made me feel sad and kind of restless. It was like sitting next to a girl and the movie is boring, but it’s making her cry and you feel like you’re not supposed to touch her, until you realize maybe she actually wanted you to touch her. But by then it’s too late.
The feeling never really went away. It was there at all our parties. It was there when I drove home with the radio loud so I wouldn’t pass out and when I stared at my ceiling because I couldn’t sleep. We never talked about it, but I felt like a lot of the other guys were feeling it, too.
The juniors partied hard, but us seniors all sort of stood off to the side. We drank too much beer and felt weird about dancing so we just watched the private school girls. They were the ones partying. We were just going through the motions. Looking back, if it hadn’t been for those private school girls, I don’t know if we would have even had parties that year. We would have missed those good times. And that would have been a tragedy.
* * *
• • •
IN THE FIRST MONTH of senior year I decided to get a blow job from Haley Moreland. We were eating pizza in Max’s basement after the first day of tryouts. We didn’t have to try out, of course. We were the team. Except there were like thirty kids at tryouts.
This is a hungry bunch, Coach said as we watched the kids lining up to get their numbers. We knew he was right, and we worried about it. The kids ran so fast and worked so hard and some of them jogged laps during breaks, showing off.
They were the ones trying out, they wanted a chance to be with us. But we had to work to keep up. So we were hard on them. They got hit hard in the clearing drill. Max picked out this one blond kid who was really good and kept muttering pussy dick right in his ear.
It actually kind of annoyed me. The blond kid would be good for the team, and I tried to get Max to lay off him. You’re an asshole, I told Max during a water break. Pussy dick isn’t even a thing. But actually, we all thought it was pretty funny. And we needed to blow off steam somehow, because on the whole, that day sucked.
We knew what was up. We’d had too much fun that summer. We were in shitty shape. Coach knew it, too. At the end, he clapped his hands and thanked everybody for coming out. Then he said, I want to see my seniors.
All of the new kids left, heads down, hopes high. They still had two more days to try out, years of high school ahead of them. We only had this one year left.
Sit down, gentlemen, Coach said. We sat in a circle around him. The best seniors, the six of us, were right in the middle. Coach was looking right at us.
You worked hard today, Coach said, I know you worked hard. But . . .
As he let that word hang in the air, I got cold. Even though I knew what was coming, I listened to his speech with my whole fucking heart. I remember the pressure, he said, college staring down the barrel. And this is the best time of your life, your golden years.
I felt a little lighter at that. It wasn’t all bad. Coach wanted us to have fun, to enjoy this time. I sat up straight. I glanced over. Max and Dave were smirking on my left. Ham and Alan looked bored and angry. On my right side Richard was watching Coach seriously, his face calm, nodding slightly. I tried to make my face look like Richard’s.
But I also want you to be state champions. And this is your last year to do that.
When he said that, it was the first time I realized we might not win that year, that things could be taken away from us. I have faith in you, Coach said, and I felt both cold and hot in my chest, and my lungs felt so big I worried my eyes were gonna water. They didn’t. But it was a good speech.
Then Coach made each of us set goals, going around the room saying them out loud. I said I wanted to get my face-off percentage over sixty and Coach said, Good man, and I knew he meant it.
Coach had done a good job. He was right. He just needed to motivate us. But still we were all annoyed after. So we went to eat pizza in Max’s basement, and Dave imitated Coach’s voice and said, Let’s all set goals, gentlemen, and then we went around and said which girls were going to blow us before Christmas.
All of the other guys listed three or four girls. Max named five, and two of them had already blown him, which shouldn’t count. I only said Haley Moreland. I’m a one-girl kind of guy, I said. Everyone had to respect that. I wasn’t just some follower, bragging about his conquests. I was a one-girl kind of guy.
But it was a mistake. A couple of days later it was obvious I was fucked. Haley and I had first period together, BC calc. She was a junior but she was a year ahead in math. I kept looking at her all through class. She was supposed to give me a blow job. I kept trying not to look at her and then looking at her anyway.
I had known Haley since we were little. Her mom was friends with my mom. There were pictures of us playing basketball together when we were seven or eight. Sometimes we talked between classes. So it shouldn’t have been weird when I tried to talk to her that day. I had to get a blow job, was all. I’d heard she’d blown one of the seniors last year, a guy who ran track with her.
But whatever I said didn’t work. I made a stupid joke. She kind of laughed but mostly groaned. I wanted to punch myself in the face. I had set Haley as my goal because she was easy. And I had always liked her. I’d always thought she was pretty. But as she walked away, I felt my chest tighten and that’s when I realized that I had fucked myself over. I had it bad for her.
* * *
• • •
I MADE A FOOL OF MYSELF around Haley for months before I got the balls to ask her out. I didn’t want to ask her to a movie or anything in case she thought I was lame. So I just asked if she was going to the party at Dave’s house.
It was December, the last day of exams. Dave called it The Party WAGLER. It stood for The Party Where We All Get Laid (Even Richard).
Obviously we couldn’t tell people that, so we said “the Waggler” was a new dance. But we can’t show it to you, we told people. It’s way too sexy. If we dance the Waggler, you will be overcome with lust.
It was funny, but it wasn’t as funny as it should have been. And not just because Richard got pissy about it. Jokes just weren’t that funny anymore. Our first seeded game was in March and my face-off percentage was still hovering around fifty. College applications were due in January. Some of us had applied early decision and been wait-listed. One guy got flat-out rejected. There was a weight on our chests that wouldn’t lift no matter how fast we ran at practice.
But, there was a glimmer of hope. The Party WAGLER was at Dave’s house. It was the first party at Dave’s house since the legendary party.
Dave’s parents didn’t
trust him anymore. They’d hired a house sitter, a girl from the community college. So we all pooled our money to pay her off, and Dave promised we’d keep the noise down and clean up after, that it would stay under control.
We had high hopes. We wanted this party to be great. Of course we all acted like every party was great. But we really spread the word about this one. We wanted everyone to be there. Haley had already heard about it when I invited her. But she said she hadn’t decided whether to go or not. She told me to convince her. I told her there would be beer and not just vodka but good vodka. I don’t drink, she said.
Yeah, but you smoke weed, I said.
She said, So? And I said there would be plenty of weed, too.
I hear there will be dancing, she said. I hear we’re gonna do the Waggler.
Well, some people might do the Waggler. If they’re feeling reckless. It’s a powerful dance.
Will you do the Waggler?
If you come.
She smiled at me and kind of squinted, like she was thinking hard. She didn’t say anything. I said, So. Will you come?
She said, “Nah, sounds boring.”
I must have looked like an idiot.
I’m just teasing, she said. I’m going. Could you give me a ride? I was gonna ride with Georgia but she’s grounded.
When I got to Haley’s house I had to go to the door and say hi to her mother, of course, and her mother had to go on and on about how tall I was now. She asked whether I knew Haley had been selected to be the teen columnist for the local paper starting in the spring.
Mom, Haley said.
“The column is called Teen Scene, and she even gets paid.”
Mom! Haley looked at me, rolling her eyes. It’s no big deal.
I thought again how cool Haley was, how smart.
“Lee, come on, you should be proud,” her mom said.
I wondered if I’d ever get to call her Lee. That’s really great, I told Haley. And it was great. We should celebrate. Want to get a milkshake before the—
Haley jumped in and said, Before the movie? It’s a ten-thirty movie, so we’ve got time, right?
Right, I said. Before the movie.
I shook Mrs. Moreland’s hand as we left, which made her laugh. “You’ve always been such a sweetie, Nick,” she said. She still saw me as a little boy. I wanted to say something back to her, prove myself, but I didn’t know what. So I just smiled and we left.
The milkshake thing was a good idea, it turned out. I wanted some time alone with her anyway. We went to the Greek diner, and Haley complained about her mom. It seems like she’s really proud of you, I said.
It’s suffocating, she said. She asked if my parents were a pain, too. I said I guessed so.
I felt, as we finished our milkshakes, that things were going well. As she wiped her mouth with her napkin, I thought about her blowing me. It was going to be great. There was no reason to worry about it. I ran my hand over my head. My hair was getting long. I needed to buzz it again. I needed to get Haley high. I had a joint saved for her, in an Altoids tin in the glove compartment of my car. I wanted us both to relax, so we could talk more, better, about real things.
She let me pay and then touched my arm when she said thanks. When we got to the party, she went over to say hello to some friends, but said that I should find her later. It was okay. Things were going well.
I guess it was around ten at that point. I went over to talk with Richard and ask what had happened so far. Nothing much, he said. I nodded and looked around; one of the private school girls was dancing, all by herself in the middle of the room. She was really out of it. Hey, pussy dick, out of my way, Max said, right in my ear. I’ve got a new goal. He slapped my butt and pushed past, approaching the private school girl to dance with her. He raised his arms in the air, beside her but not touching her. Slowly, like he was raising them through jelly.
How about you, I said to Richard. Got any goals for tonight? I said it to be encouraging. No judgment. Richard was my oldest friend, but part of me always wondered if he was gay. Not like he acted gay. He just never made a move.
I’m going to see what turns up, he said. Which was what he always said. Which was why he never had a girl. Girls didn’t just turn up. I was no expert, but everyone knew that.
Cool, cool, I said. We both took sips of our beers. It’s not like I could judge Richard anyway, with Haley on the other side of the room and me trying to figure out what I was going to say when I went over to talk to her again.
The party was fine. Of course, it wasn’t legendary. Dave kept running up to people and making jokes about the Waggler. He kept trying to get people to do shots. Some of the private school girls were really drunk. The girl who had been dancing stopped being able to dance. She had to sit down. She was laughing, but her eyes were closed as Max rubbed her shoulders on the couch. (He was the exception to the rule, I guess: girls turned up for Max.)
Mostly people were just talking, though. I realized I was hanging back, watching. I felt suddenly urgent, like I was once again letting a good time get away. I resolved not to let my life be that. I went to find Haley.
She was talking to some private school girls. I touched her shoulder. When she turned and saw it was me, she smiled. I said something, I don’t remember what. Then we were walking to the edge of the woods behind Dave’s house. We went to sit down but the ground was cold, so I grabbed a couple of cushions from the chairs on the deck and set them down for us, and Haley sat right next to me, the arm of her jacket touching mine. As I dug the joint out of the plastic bag in the Altoids tin, Haley said that she only ever needed a single hit to get high. I always stop after my first hit. So this is your lucky day, Nick. I’m a cheap date.
I lit the joint for her. Just like she said, she took one drag and then passed it back to me. It drove me crazy in every direction. I took a hit. She exhaled, the smoke curling around her face. She put her head down on her arms on her knees, her thin body folded in on itself. She made me want to take a train trip through Europe. She was a long-distance runner. All state. I realized everything about her was that feeling. Only needing one good hit. Running forever. I wished she would just let loose. And I wished I could be more like her.
She was talking about what she thought about while running. She ran for hours at a time. I must have asked her about it, because she said, No, it’s not lonely. It’s peaceful.
I felt the moment as it was happening. I leaned forward and kissed her. It was just the right thing. I pulled back a little, testing her. She leaned forward, kept our lips together. The feeling of her lips on mine was strange. To be totally honest about it I hadn’t really kissed anyone before. I’d said I’d done it with girls so many times I guess I believed it, so it was super weird, actually kissing her. Wet and soft and different. Then I was on my back and she had both hands on my chest. She was kissing me. I opened my eyes and saw that her eyes were closed. I looked up, higher, at the sky, and the lights of a plane blinking by. I felt myself floating. I tried to stay focused. I worried she would get bored. I worried I wasn’t a good kisser. I wondered if this was when she’d give me that blow job, or if I’d have to make her my girlfriend first, how long that would take.
She pulled away, then rolled over and lay on her back beside me. The night sky wagged back and forth over us. I was crushed by the many meanings of what might or might not have just happened.
So, she said. She looked at me for a second. Then she said, We should get back? I didn’t know if it was a statement or a question. Her thin body was curling up off the ground. She rested her head on one hand. I didn’t say anything. She stood up. I was angry. I had bored her after all.
She stood over me and reached out a hand to help me up.
“I’m too high,” I said.
“Should’ve stuck to just one drag,” she said.
She kind of kicked my thigh. I didn’t
know what that meant, either.
“Whatever, Nick,” she said, and walked away. I lay on my back and looked up at the sky.
After a while I got up and went back to the house. I found Dave’s mom’s office and lay down on the couch. On the opposite wall I saw one of her diplomas was from the University of Maryland, and I thought about how many girls were there, how jealous Haley would be when I was dating them all.
After a while Haley came in and woke me up. “People are going to Denny’s,” she said.
“Okay,” I said. I waited but she didn’t say anything.
“Guess I’ll see you later,” I said.
She said something like okay. Then she left.
* * *
• • •
WHEN I WAS STRAIGHT enough to drive I got in my car and went to Denny’s. It was a little after midnight. Ham and Alan were there, and some juniors, and Haley. I saw them through the window, all laughing. I pretended I had forgotten my wallet. I mimed checking my pockets in case anyone was watching. I walked back to my car and vomited all over the front wheel. Then I felt a little better. I went straight to the bathroom when I went inside. I washed my hands and splashed water on my face and then sat down with everyone. Dave had showed up in the meantime so there was only one seat left, across from Haley. She glanced at me and then down, and then back up and kind of smiled. Like she was back to leading me on, or maybe she really was shy.
Everyone saw it. Everyone felt bad for me. We all knew I had it bad for Haley. We all thought she was cool, and it was true, it was fun having her at Denny’s, she was like one of the guys. But she acted like she didn’t know how I felt. She must have known. Everyone knew. I wondered if maybe she was using me. Maybe she actually had it bad for one of the other guys.
Couple of pussy dicks rolling up late, Dave said. Max and Richard were walking in. They were laughing. They had left the party with Max’s private school girl, the one who was too drunk to dance. She wasn’t with them anymore.
True Story Page 3
