by E. L. Todd
Now that the fun was over I needed to get rid of them.
I sat up and felt their arms fall back to the bed. Blondie on the left stirred and released a quiet groan. The other one was dead asleep. I managed to get out of the large bed and find my boxers on the floor. Two pairs of panties sat on top.
One sat up and pulled her hair out of her face. “What time is it…?” She sounded half asleep.
I had no idea what her name was. I wasn’t even sure if she told me. “Ten.”
She lay back down again. “Too early…”
The other blonde was still asleep.
“Go back to bed then.” I pulled my sweatpants on and left the bedroom. I put on a pot of coffee and opened the windows, letting the natural light pour through. I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling the messy strands. I remembered last night vividly. I had a great time with both of them, and I could tell this wasn’t their first rodeo.
Just when I took a sip of my coffee there was a knock on the door. “River, it’s me.”
“Who’s me?” I asked before I took a drink of my coffee.
“Jett, asshole.”
“It’s open.”
He came inside and shut the door loudly behind him. “You just woke up?” he asked incredulously. “It’s ten.”
“Long night.” I sat at the kitchen table. “Want coffee?”
“No, I had some like three hours ago.” He sat in the chair across from me. “Were you out late?”
“I wasn’t out,” I said. “But I was awake.”
“Doing what?”
Jett could be really dense. “What do you think?”
A wicked grin stretched his lips. “Brunette? Blonde? Redhead?”
“Two blondes.”
“Ooh…” He winked at me. “Bit off more than you can chew, huh?”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
“So much for looking for Mrs. Right,” he jabbed.
“I’ve given up on that search.” I ran my fingers through my hair.
“Dude, you’ll find her. And you’ll find her when you least expect her. And having a threesome in the meantime can’t be that terrible.”
“It’s not,” I said. “But honestly, I’m jealous of what you and the rest of the guys have.”
He stared at me, and slight sadness came into his eyes.
“Would you rather have a threesome or what you have now?”
Jett shrugged. “Ophelia is all I ever want. But I wouldn’t want another one of her because she’s already too much to handle as it is.”
“She sounds like a good woman to have.”
“She is,” he agreed. “That’s actually why I came over…”
I stared at him and didn’t understand his meaning.
He pulled a small box out of his pocket and placed it on the table. “I’m going to ask her to marry me.”
A grin stretched my face as I opened the box. “Good for you, man.” I stared at the ring and noted the flashy diamonds. “She’ll love it.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
My eyes turned to him before I handed the box back. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks.” He put the box back in his pocket.
“When are you going to ask?”
“This weekend,” he said.
“Ophelia is a beautiful girl,” he said. “You’re a lucky asshole.”
“I know I am.” He drummed his knuckles on the table for a moment. “But you’ll be a lucky asshole too someday.”
I wasn’t willing to bet on it.
“Ophelia has a really cute friend named Theresa. Want me to set up a blind date?”
“I’m not a big fan of blind dates…”
“How are you going to find the right girl if you don’t put yourself out there?”’
I nodded toward the bedroom. “I did put myself out there, bro.”
“But is your future wife really the type of woman who would agree to a threesome?”
When I pictured my wife she didn’t have a face. But she had class, elegance, and beauty. “No.”
“Theresa isn’t that type so she already has a quality you like.”
I chuckled. “You’re just doing this because you feel bad for me.”
“No,” he said. “I’m doing this because I want you to be happy—to have what I have.”
I’d been around the block and I had a lot of fun doing it. But years ago it started to get old. I was the first one who wanted to settle down of all my friends, but yet they were the ones who found someone first. It was ironic. “The older I get the less I believe I’ll have what you have.”
“Don’t give up,” he said. “It’ll happen. So, Theresa?”
I shrugged. “What the hell? Why not?”
“That’s the spirit,” he said with an approving nod.
The bedroom door opened and the blondes came out.
“Coffee…now.” One girl was wearing one of my t-shirts.
Jett eyed them with a smirk on his lips.
“Excuse me.” I left the table and poured her a glass. “Sugar or cream, baby?”
“Cream, please.” She sat at the table next to Jett and squinted her eyes like the light was too blinding.
Jett continued to sit there and pretend everything was normal.
I set the cup in front of her. “Want some toast?”
“No,” she whispered. She took a sip and moaned.
“Morning, handsome.” The other blonde kissed me on the lips.
“Morning, baby.” Baby was the easiest thing to say since I had no idea what their names were.
Jett kept watching me.
“Coffee?” I asked.
“Black.”
I got her a mug then set her down at the table.
Jett eyed them back and forth. “Well, I’ll get out of your hair.”
They both turned to him like they noticed him for the first time.
“I’ll walk you out,” I said. I followed Jett to the door.
He stopped before he walked out. “You know, most guys would kill to have your lifestyle.”
“I know,” I said. “But once they had it for a while, they would realize how meaningless it was.”
He clapped me on the shoulder. “Maybe Theresa will be the one.”
“Maybe.” I highly doubted it.
Theresa shoved the noodles into her mouth and sauce smeared across her cheeks and chin. She had pale skin that was slightly tinted with pink, and her lack of manners distinctly reminded me of a pig. “And I was like, really?” She rolled her eyes. “I told you I didn’t like the dress but you made me wear it anyway.” She gave me a look like she assumed I agreed with whatever she was saying. “Why should the bridesmaid have to wear a hideous dress? She’s so selfish…” She kept eating her spaghetti, dropping lumps of sauce on the table.
Watching her eat like a barbarian killed my appetite so I picked at my food. I’d never been a stickler for manners before but I’d never dealt with someone like Theresa. The moment I laid eyes on her I thought she was cute. But the second she opened her mouth I wasn’t attracted to her. She was superficial, narrow-minded, and clearly didn’t know what a fork was.
“Right?” she asked. “She’s the one being selfish, isn’t she?”
I shrugged in response. From what I heard, it seemed like she was being the brat, not the bride.
“And to top it off, the dress was so expensive. You think I have three hundred bucks lying around to spend?” She shook her head. “When she asked me to be her maid of honor, I should have just said no.”
“Isn’t that one of the most hurtful things you can do?” I wasn’t extremely knowledgeable about female culture but I did have a sister. And if she asked her best friend to be her maid of honor but got rejected, she would be incredibly hurt.
“Whatever,” she said. “If this is how she treats me then what does it matter?” She took a bite of her garlic bread and got crumbs everywhere.
I’d been on a lot of dates but this
had to be one of the worst. This girl was mean and cold.
I’m going to die alone.
Not wanting to be rude, I remained in my seat and listened to her complain about every friend she had. She seemed to view herself as the victim in everything. When things didn’t go her way, it was the end of the world. And she talked—a lot. It was starting to hurt my ears.
“You haven’t said anything,” she said. “What about you?”
I actually get to talk now? But I was so turned off I didn’t have much to say. “I like sports.” It was all I could think of. I had no interest in putting any effort into this date. After watching her make a mess I didn’t have any urge to sleep with her. If I was really that horny, I’d swing by a bar and pick up someone else. Or I’d call a regular.
“Typical,” she said. Then she started to complain about her last boyfriend, whom apparently was a fan of the Yankees.
While she talked, I rubbed the side of my face, feeling the incoming hair from not shaving. I glanced around for the waiter, hoping the check would arrive soon. This date was over the moment it began.
She kept venting about her ex, saying he was a terrible person. Apparently, she didn’t care if he died.
Why the hell did Jett arrange this date? Had he never met the girl before?
Finally, the waiter brought the check. I immediately shoved my card into his hands. “You can take it now.” I tried to act casual, like I wasn’t in a rush. But hell, I was desperate for this date to end.
“Of course, sir.” He walked away and headed to the back.
I hoped he wouldn’t take his sweet ass time.
“Do you have any exes you hate?” she asked.
“No, not really.” I didn’t have any exes. The longest I saw a girl for was about a month. No one ever got my attention and kept it. My attraction and interest seemed to die. I knew there was nothing wrong with the girls I kept around. It was me. There was something clearly wrong with me. Maybe I wasn’t meant to settle down with another person. Maybe it was just impossible.
The waiter returned with the tab.
Hallelujah.
I shoved the card into my wallet. “Ready to go?”
“Sure.” She wiped her face and greasy fingertips with the cloth napkin.
I tried not to watch because it grossed me out.
Then we headed out of the restaurant and to the sidewalk.
“Can I walk you home?” I offered. I may not like this girl but I wasn’t a total jackass.
She gave me a suspicious look, like she thought there was something up my sleeve. “Yeah…sure.”
That was a weird reaction but I didn’t overanalyze it.
We walked side by side as she launched into an account of her rocky relationship with her mother. Apparently, she didn’t like her either. But whom did she like?
When we reached her door I was grateful the night was finally over. Listening to her constant chatter was giving me a headache.
She turned to me and fidgeted with her purse for a moment. “I don’t put out on the first date. Sorry to disappoint you, but that’s just not the type of girl I am.”
I tried not to laugh. “That’s fine. I just wanted to make sure you got home safely.”
“Right,” she said. “You expect me to believe that?”
Something about her words ticked me off. What made her think she was so damn desirable? “When have I ever given you the impression I was anything less than a gentleman?” It was a serious question. I opened every door for her, pulled out her chair, paid for dinner, and I didn’t insult her disgusting table manners. And after putting up with her all night, I deserved a medal of honor.
“I just know how you are,” she said. “You’re a pretty boy and think you can get whatever you want.”
Don’t snap. Don’t snap. Don’t snap.
“Well, it was nice to meet you, Theresa. Have a good night.” I walked away from her without giving her a hug or even shaking her hand. I needed to leave before my asshole-ish ways came out.
“That’s it?” she asked. “You aren’t even going to call me?”
I turned around, and I regretted doing it immediately.
“So, you were just going to nail me then never talk to me again?”
I couldn’t keep it back. I was going to explode. “Pigs don’t turn me on.”
Her jaw dropped and her eyes were about to pop. “You fucking—”
“Wow, I can actually understand what you’re saying since you don’t have a meatball in your mouth.”
“ASSHOLE!”
I walked away before she could screech louder in my ears. I kept going and heard her footsteps behind me. She could scream at me all she wanted but I’d have to head somewhere where she couldn’t hear me, like the subway.
Then she swatted me hard with her purse. She hit me in the side and the back. It felt like a slab of bricks. “Jackass.”
I cringed and balled my hands into fists. Anger started to shake my body but I found the strength to keep going. I’d never hit a woman in my life but that sounded appetizing at the moment.
“Go to hell!”
I got out of the building and waved down a cab.
She continued to beat me senseless with her purse. It didn’t hurt but it was incredibly annoying, like a chicken constantly pecking your ankles.
The cab pulled over and I threw myself inside. I shut the door and locked it before she could come at me again. “Just drive,” I said to the driver. My apartment was a few blocks away and I preferred to walk. But I needed to get away from his psycho.
Theresa started to beat her purse on the window.
“What the hell is she doing?” the driver asked.
“I don’t fucking know. Just drive.”
I was about to walk out of the apartment and pick up my client before attending the charity event when there was a knock on my door. “Come in.”
Jett entered the apartment. “So, how’d it go?”
I just glared at him.
“Uh…not well I take it?” He cringed slightly.
“She was a pig.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Like…she wanted to jump your bones?”
“No.” I adjusted my tie. “As in, she ate like a damn hog.”
“Oh…” He gave me an apologetic look. “But she was cute, right?”
“She was fucking annoying. That mouth of hers never seemed to close. Then she beat me to death with her purse.”
“What did you say?”
I continued to glare at him. “That she was a pig.”
“Well…maybe that was why.”
I clenched my fists. “I’m this close to bashing your skull in.”
He raised his hands in surrender. “Hey…she was cute. That’s all that mattered.”
I walked out the door. “I need to head out. I’m working.”
He stepped out with me. “Where are you guys headed tonight?”
“Charity event.”
“That should be fun.” He was trying too hard to be nice.
“I still hate you, asshole.”
He followed on my heel. “I’ll make it up to you, alright? I’ll find a smoking hot babe that knows her way around a fork.”
“I’m good. I can get my own dates.”
“Dude, I didn’t know she would be a terror,” he said. “I would never do that to you.”
I headed to the sidewalk. “We’ll talk about this later. I have to go.”
“Love you, man.”
I turned around and gave him the bird.
3
Meadow
Could I really hire some guy to be my fake boyfriend? No matter how I looked at the situation, it made me pathetic. That was the ugly truth about it. But I kept pondering it, knowing I was willing to do everything and anything for the man I was unnaturally obsessed with.
It was a Friday night, and Nathan was still in the office past five. I remained at my desk so I could assist him if he needed anything. Having constant proximity made my
heart race at all times of the day. I lived for the moments when he left his office and talked to me personally. I got to stare into his dreamy face and imagine how our kids would look.
Totally pathetic.
My work was finished so I tapped a pen against my desk and discreetly stared through the glass windows of his office. Nathan was on the phone, staring out the window and to the city below his feet.
I wondered whom he was talking to. Probably a lady friend. I hated the fact he was so promiscuous but had never showed any interest in me. I was an attractive woman, wasn’t I? He never thought about being with me?
Nathan hung up then rose from his desk.
I turned back to my computer quickly and pretended to be working.
Then he opened the doors and came toward my desk.
My heart raced a million miles an hour like it always did when I knew he was coming my way. I tried to act casual but I feared it wasn’t coming off right. I turned toward him like I just noticed him. “Do you need anything, Nathan?”
He put his hands in his pockets. “Do you have plans tonight?”
Did he really just ask me that? Oh my god, was he asking me out. It was a Friday night and he didn’t have anything on his schedule. My heart was about to burst from my chest. I’d been waiting for this moment forever. “No, not at all. I have absolutely no plans. I’m free as a bird. My schedule is wide open.” I said everything so quickly and the words tumbled out of my mouth almost incoherently. I cleared my throat. “I mean, I don’t have any plans.” My cheeks felt warm when I realized I made a total idiot out of myself.
“Great,” he said. “I’m supposed to attend this charity event tonight. I had a date but she canceled on me. Would you like to go with me?”
So, it wasn’t a date. But he still asked me to accompany him. He could have called one of his regular bimbos but he didn’t. He asked me. Did that mean anything? It did, right? Maybe it was a date. “I’d love to,” I said with a little too much enthusiasm.
“Lovely,” he said. “Can I pick you up in an hour?”
“I’ll be ready,” I blurted.
“I’ll see you then.” He nodded then walked back into his office.
