by E. L. Todd
I shrugged again. “I haven’t been there much. I’ve been hanging out at the office and staying busy.”
Sarah rested her hands on her lap. “I think you’re avoiding her because you know she’s going to come after you and apologize. And you know you’re going to accept her apology.”
“No, I’m not. What she did was wrong.”
“I think she just had a different view of what was happening between you.”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion, Sarah.” My voice was cold.
She turned away like she was wounded. But then she looked at me again, like she found her courage. “She was paying you to help her get another man. Perhaps she thought her intentions were clear based on that.”
“Then why was she making out with me left and right?” I snapped.
“You’ve never pursued one girl while you fucked another one?” She didn’t flinch as she spoke. “She can’t do the same? Because she’s a girl?”
I didn’t like the turn of this conversation. “It was so obvious how I felt about her. And she used me…”
“Maybe it wasn’t obvious to her.”
“I’m tired of having this conversation.” My hand gripped the armrest like I might break it.
Sarah stared at me.
“Learned to play tennis yet?” My voice came out quiet.
“We don’t have to talk about Meadow anymore,” she said. “But I don’t want to talk about something else.”
“You just want to sit here quietly?” I asked incredulously.
“Yes,” she said. “Perhaps you’ll think about what I said.” She looked out the window and stared at the sea in the distance.
And I stared at her, hating the fact I was thinking about the conversation we just had.
When I approached my front door I stopped when I spotted Meadow standing in front of it. I wanted to take off but it was too late. She already saw me, and she looked at me like she hadn’t seen me in months.
“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for days.”
I pushed her aside and got the door unlocked. “I’ve been busy.” Just looking at her pissed me off. And the fact I still wanted her, that my cock hardened at the sight of her just pissed me off more. I hated being wrapped around her finger. I was pathetic.
She followed me inside. “River, talk to me.”
“What do you think I’m doing?” I hissed. I tossed my wallet and keys on the counter, keeping my back to her.
“River.” Her voice held a plea to it. “What’s going on? I tell you about Nathan and then you storm out.”
She really had no idea? I turned to her, surprise in my eyes. “Are you the most ignorant person on the face of the planet? Or are you blind to everything around you? Are you that self-absorbed?”
Her eyes narrowed in irritation but she didn’t give me any sass.
“You used me, Meadow. I thought I meant something to you but I was just a piece of ass.”
“I didn’t use you.”
“Fuck you.” My voice moved up several octaves. Now I was boiling and I couldn’t keep it back. “I turned to you for comfort. You think it’s easy for me to see my sister like this? To see her frail like she’s an old woman. Then we’re in my bed and you make the move to sleep with me. You initiated all of that, not me. I just assumed that if you wanted me in that way it actually meant something. But you still want to be with Nathan.” I shook my head in anger. “Such a goddamn slap in the face.”
“You told me you wanted me whenever I wanted you.”
“I know what the hell I said.” My eyes burned into hers. “You spend all your time with me, tell me everything, and then you sleep with me. I just assumed that it actually meant something. I assumed that I was the man you wanted. Why wouldn’t I be? You can’t even be yourself around Nathan. You close up like a clam and ramble on like you don’t know how to shut your mouth. You could never have a pie-eating contest with him because you would feel too embarrassed to relax with him. The guy ditched you at a charity event because he found pussy he wanted to pound. The guy didn’t notice you until you started dressing like a whore and got a pretty man on your arm. Meadow, I noticed you before all of that. And I love the person that you are. But I’m the one who gets fucked over.”
She breathed hard while she stared at me. But no words came out.
“I know what I heard, “I continued. “I know what he said about you. He’s just asking you to dinner so he can get between your legs. You’re just one of the many, Meadow. With me, you were the one. And you still want him?”
Her eyes started to coat with moisture.
And that just made me angrier. “Fine. If you want to be with him, then go ahead. But I hope he rips you apart the way you’ve done to me. I hope he breaks every bone, muscle, and ligament in your body. I hope you feel this pain but a million times worse.” It was a cold and unforgiving thing to say but I was too livid to be reasonable.
“I didn’t know you felt that way…”
“You think I spent all that time with you because I had nothing else better to do?” How stupid was she? “You think I would have done all that for free unless I felt something for you? I don’t kiss my clients but I kiss you because I can’t control myself. Meadow, I sent red flags all over the fucking place. Surely, you’ve seen the way I’ve looked at you. Surely, you’ve felt the connection between us. I’m not the only one to feel it.”
“I didn’t realize…” She lost her voice for a moment. “I was paying you to get me another guy. I just assumed you knew I wanted him and that hadn’t changed. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression but the goal had never changed.”
That stung most of all. “Then why did you kiss me?”
“I liked it…”
“Spent every waking hour with me?”
“I enjoy spending time with you…”
“Slept with me?”
“I’m attracted to you and I care about you…”
I shook my head. “For some idiotic reason I assumed you felt the way I did but you just didn’t realize it. I thought somewhere down the road it would hit you like a slab of bricks on your head. How do you not understand that I’m the right guy for you? How do you not understand that what we have is special? How could you possibly think that Nathan is worth chasing? I’m standing right here, and I’ve been standing here from the beginning. You don’t need to cover your face with make up for me to think you’re beautiful. You don’t need to dress like a whore to catch my attention. You don’t need to say anything to get me to listen to you.” The disappointment flushed through me. “But that’s fine, Meadow. Go be with Nathan and see how long that lasts. But don’t come crying to me when he breaks your heart like I promise he will.” I didn’t want to look at her anymore. Her eyes were a brighter shade of green when she was emotional or upset. She crossed her arms over her chest like she felt small. I wanted to comfort her, but the emotion quickly passed and I just wanted to break her neck. I couldn’t look at her anymore, and I never wanted to look at her again. “ Get out of my apartment. And don’t bother me again.”
11
Meadow
I hadn’t felt this bad in a really long time.
When Nathan ditched me at the charity event, I felt small, weak, and pathetic. The pain crushed me on all sides and I felt hopeless. The tears poured and burned my skin like acid.
But it was nothing compared to this.
How did I not see this coming? How did I not understand how River really felt? I never would have slept with him if I’d known it meant something more to him. River was one of my closest friends and I confided everything to him. I cared about him. I would never hurt him intentionally.
Not having him in my life was unbearable. The few days where he ignored me and fell off the face of the planet was difficult to swallow. I tried to track him down everywhere but he was nowhere to be found. To be cut out like this, to be dropped, was excruciating.
He was all I could think about. Every moment of the
day I was wondering what he was doing. Did he still hate me? Or did he hate me even more with every passing day?
Sleep was difficult for me to come by. Most of the time I lay in bed and wished he were there with me. I missed the way his body wrapped around mine and made me feel warm. I missed the smell of him on my sheets. I missed lying on the couch with him and watching TV.
I missed everything.
Would I still have that if I hadn’t made such a huge mistake? Would he still be in my life? Or was this doomed to happen either way?
When I thought about our relationship in retrospect, I wondered how I didn’t see the signs. I assumed he was a cocky playboy that just liked the flirt and have a good time. He told me he’d been around the block too many times to count. But he also said he was looking to settle down. I hadn’t realized he meant me.
I wish he had said something to me beforehand. I would have been more sensitive about the topic. And I certainly wouldn’t have dived into passionate sex with him. He was definitely the best lover I ever had. A part of me didn’t regret something so beautiful and satisfying.
I wanted to call him and apologize, but I’d already apologized. And what did I expect to accomplish? River didn’t want to hear from me again, and I should at least respect his request. Trying to talk to him would just make it worse.
But man, I missed him.
Every time something reminded me of him, I wanted to call him and tell him about it. But then I realized I couldn’t. Whenever I saw a pie in the window of a bakery store, I thought of him and that food fight we had. Whenever I was asleep I dreamt of him, and most of the time they were sexual dreams. His body was wrapped tightly around mine and he was pleasing me the way I liked. I gripped him tightly and asked him to never leave me. Being without him was torturous.
I felt like I lost a piece of myself.
I was sitting at my desk, staring blankly at the computer screen when Nathan approached me.
“Everything all right, Meadow?” he asked.
I turned to him slowly, no longer having any energy to do anything. “Just tired.”
“Are you sure?” he asked. “It seems like you’ve been down lately?”
I shrugged. “It’s not my best week.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
No, not really. It just made me want to cry. “No, it’s okay.” I turned back to my screen so he wouldn’t see the distant build up of moisture.
“Are we still on for tonight?”
What was he talking about? “What’s tonight?”
“Our date…” He put his hands in his pockets while he stared at me.
“Oh yeah.” I completely forgot. “Yeah, sure.”
“I’ll pick you up at seven.”
“Okay.”
He finally walked back into his office.
I’d completely forgotten about the date I agreed to with Nathan. All I’d been thinking about was River and how much I hurt him. He was in my thoughts constantly. I wanted to make it right, to repair the damage that I’d done.
But how did you fix a broken heart?
Nathan took me to a fancy steak house on 5th and 18th. I wore a black dress with heels with a gold necklace. My hair was slightly curled. I didn’t put that much effort into my appearance. I just didn’t have as much energy as I once did. My thoughts seemed to drift to River and distant memories.
Nathan eyed me from across the table. The menu was in his hands but he wasn’t looking at it. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I was being terrible company. “I’m sorry. My mind drifted for a moment there…”
“And where did it drift off to?”
“It’s…nevermind.” I picked up the menu. “Any recommendations?” I shouldn’t be rude to Nathan just because I was going through a hard time. It wasn’t his problem.
He leaned over the table and pushed the menu back to the surface. “Talk to me.”
How did I explain this while sticking to my story? “River and I…broke up.” I guess that was the best way to put it.
“I’m sorry.” He didn’t seem sorry at all.
“We got into a fight and just stopped talking.”
“What was this fight about?” he asked.
I didn’t want to say he was the source of our rift. That would be awkward. “We just didn’t have a lot in common so we fought over stupid things. We just called it quits…”
“Well, you were never serious so you didn’t really break up, right?”
“I suppose.” We were never anything but it felt like I lost everything.
“I think it’s for the best,” he said. “You deserve someone better than that.”
“What was wrong with him?”
He shrugged. “He just didn’t suit you.” He picked up the menu again. “And I recommend the sirloin.”
It didn’t seem like Nathan cared about my feelings at all. He was detached and indifferent. I wasn’t sure what I expected him to do or say but there was no emotion or compassion in his voice. All I heard was nothing.
Nathan was sophisticated and refined. He had a love for wine and anything that was expensive. He appreciated art and the fine taste of food. But he was oddly quiet and cryptic. I could never tell what he was thinking. River was the polar opposite. His hobbies included basketball, drinking beer, sports, video games, and cooking. They couldn’t be more different.
I wasn’t sure why I was comparing.
“I think I’ll order the sirloin myself,” he said as he placed his menu on top of mine.
I forgot what we were talking about because my mind drifted again.
The waiter came to our table and Nathan ordered for the both of us. After the waiter left, Nathan stared at me.
I stared back and couldn’t think of anything to say. River’s words came back to me, and I realized he was right. I could never be myself around Nathan. I just wasn’t comfortable. I shut my mouth like a clam, and the times I did talk I rambled on nervously. But with River, I could be goofy, stupid, and weird. River never seemed to care. He liked me more, actually.
“I bought a new painting,” Nathan said. “I just put it in my living room.”
“Oh.” What was I supposed to say to that? “What does it look like?”
“It’s of a farm house but everything is in prime colors. It’s very ingenious.”
I guess I would have to take his word for it. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate art but I didn’t really understand it. And it seemed like art lovers were pretentious and aristocratic. I was more of the type of girl who would eat her food even if it fell on the ground. I didn’t see myself as classy or elegant. I wore my heart on my sleeve and said things without thinking about them first. Sometimes I wondered if I took a picture from IKEA and put it in an art gallery would anyone even notice? Would Nathan notice? “Congratulations on your purchase.”
“Thank you,” he said. “Speaking of purchases, I bought a new car.”
“Oh? What kind?”
“Ferrari.”
“Nice.” Was he always this boring? Or did I just notice it now?
“She’s a beauty,” he continued. “She’s charcoal.”
I didn’t ask what color it was. Nathan talked about his possessions a lot. The first time we went out to dinner he took me to a restaurant he owned. Now I wondered if he only took me there just so he had the opportunity to say he bought it. That rubbed me the wrong way.
“What’s new with you?” he asked.
“Nothing, really.” I’ve just been depressed over River. Every other aspect of my life faded to the background.
His eyes drifted down to my chest before he looked into my eyes again. “You’re looking really beautiful tonight.”
His words were complimentary but they didn’t come off that way. I felt like he meant something completely different than what he actually said. The not so subtle way he looked at my breasts didn’t impress me. And I certainly didn’t feel flattered. “Thank you.” But I didn’t mean it.
&
nbsp; The waiter returned with our food and I was grateful we had something to do with our hands and mouth. It was rigid and tense sitting across from him. My back was as straight as a board and my shoulders were squared. When I remembered eating at that hole-in-the-wall restaurant with River I was so comfortable. But was it him or the restaurant?
Nathan took a few bites of his food. “What do you think?”
“It’s good.” I kept eating even though I didn’t really taste the food. The light classical music played in the background and people at nearby tables talked about different stocks they were investing in. Their conversations were deathly boring.
And so was my evening with Nathan.
Nathan started talking about renovations he wanted to do with the company and his intention to expand his business overseas. He droned on about it, and while listening to him I realized I never asked. Did he talk about anything that wasn’t boring? Did he laugh? Did he have any charm?
Why did I keep comparing him to River?
When dinner was over, Nathan handed his credit card over proactively like he wanted the date to end. Perhaps he was just as bored as I was. I was in love with this man for so long, and now that he was there I didn’t really care. It was hard to believe.
After the bill was squared we left the restaurant and walked to my apartment. I wore shorter heels than normal because I had a feeling I would be doing some walking. I didn’t mind. Driving was no way to get around the city.
Nathan put his arm around my waist as he walked with me.
The touch felt odd. It was a little too far south for comfort. River always put his hand right in the small of my back, and his hand was much bigger than Nathan’s. I wasn’t used to the size difference. And I wasn’t sure why I even noticed.
We reached my door and I snaked my keys out of my purse.
Nathan eyed my door like he waited for an invitation to come inside.
I always assumed I would invite him inside when we finally went on a date. But now I didn’t want to. It just didn’t feel right.
Nathan moved close to me and pressed me into the door. “I had a great time tonight.”
