“I didn’t start this shit. I damn sure ain’t controllin’ it, and I ain’t in no position to stop it. I ain’t supposed to be all powerful, or all-knowin’, or anything. I’m helpless in all this.”
“As long as you think of yourself as a victim that’s all you’ll ever be. You need to stop blaming God and take a look at the man in the mirror, dog.”
“Man, fuck you!” I roared as I jumped up from Tank’s grave.
I started to storm off into the dark, frustrated, and angry, and hurt, and knowing that I was right, wishing that I wasn’t so damn emotional so that I could make Huey’s ass understand my point. But my emotions just got so hyped up that I couldn’t get my point across correctly. When I get mad it’s so hard to think straight.
I felt a hand grip my shoulder with tremendous pressure, causing pain and no doubt leaving a bruise as Huey spun me around to face him. His face was a mask of inhuman rage. I watched him struggling to get it under control so he could speak to me.
“Fool, my brother is lyin’ in the ground over there partially because of your Black ass and I haven’t turned my back on you so you damn sure better not turn your back on me again unless you want to be lyin’ right beside him! You hear me, muthafucka? If you want me to understand then you sit here and fight it out with me and make me understand, but don’t you dare walk away from me!”
I looked in his eyes and saw nothing I wanted to challenge.
“You’re right. You’re right, man. My fault, dog.”
I plopped down at the foot of a huge life-sized statue of the Virgin Mary. I sat with my chin on my chest, my elbows resting on my knees, and my hands dangling down between my legs. It was a posture of exhaustion and defeat. I remained in this position for several long seconds before I spoke. I never once looked at Huey who had sat down beside me and was waiting to hear what I had to say.
“You know I’ve thought about all this stuff before. I didn’t just start trippin’ off it when Tank died. It’s worried at me for as long as I can remember. I ain’t just tryin’ to take the blame off myself. I know what I am—what I do. And I know that even with all the cards stacked against me I still had a choice of what direction I could have taken. But knowing who I am could you honestly have seen me making any other choices? I mean, I could have stayed in school and gone to college. I could have gotten a real job. I could have just lived off welfare or my mom or something. But could you really see me doin’ any of that? I chose this and I regret it everyday, but I made these decisions because of who I am and if there’s a God then I did it because of what God made me. I regret it all, but what’s done is done now and there’s no going back. I guess come Judgment Day I’ll burn in hell with the rest of the sinners, but is that fair if I really didn’t have a choice in what I became, if I was damned from the moment I was created?”
“Come Judgment Day all Black men will ascend to heaven with Allah. It’s the White man that will burn.”
“Yeah, but right now the white man is in paradise compared to us. We’re the ones in hell. It seems to me that judgment has already been passed right here on earth and we’ve all been damned!”
“It’s just part of Allah’s plan. You have to have faith that he’ll make everything right in the end. Order will be restored. Believe that.”
“Freedom after we are dead, or after our parents are dead, or those first Africans who were snatched from the Motherland and thrown in chains, is too little too late. We shouldn’t have had to go through all this.”
“God had to test us to make sure we were worthy.”
“Brother, please! If God is all-knowin’ then what the fuck does he need to test us for? He already knows if we are going to pass or fail.”
“The Lord works in mysterious ways his miracles to perform.”
Like a tidal wave, my anger came crashing back down upon me. Huey was starting to sound like a mindless fanatic. I had always given him more credit than that.
“Fuck his plan! If one little innocent child has to suffer for him to bring about his plan when he’s supposed to be so damned powerful then his plan is bullshit. It’s an injustice! You mean to tell me an all-knowing all-powerful creator couldn’t get his plan off the ground without the suffering of Black folks? And how the fuck are we supposed to deal with all this suffering and still love his ass when we don’t even understand his plan? What kind of God would ask that of us, dog? God expects us to suffer in the name of some divine plan, but he doesn’t even bother to clue us in on what the fuck this plan is all about and why he can’t do it without our children starving, and getting poor educations, and shot down in the streets, thrown in jail, excluded from jobs, denied proper healthcare. What kind of shit is that?”
“That’s where faith comes in, my brother. We have to have faith in his wisdom.”
“Is that what Allah said? Or was that Yaweh or Jehovah? ’Cause that don’t sound like no Black God to me. That sounds like the totalitarian philosophy of a rich, white, ends justifies the means, elitist, Republican God, who thinks it’s his duty to make decisions for these poor savages who are too ignorant to understand what’s good for them.”
“Totali—what? Man, I don’t even know what the fuck you just said.”
“I’m sayin’, only a White God would view human beings not as thinking, feeling, individuals, with their own hopes and ambitions, but as pawns to be sacrificed in the name of some grand cause without even allowing us to have a say-so. God believes in free will, but how can there really be free will when we have no choice in whether or not we want to participate in his great plan and don’t even know what the fuck it is? As if our opinions were irrelevant. We would assassinate a President for some shit like that or impeach his ass at the very least. But you don’t turn against God because you’re afraid of going to hell. A loving God that rules through threats and intimidation? Go along with the program or suffer eternal torment? Does that sound right to you, bro? Is that what muthafuckas mean by God-fearing? Worship God and he’ll save you from the hell he created for those who do not worship him? That’s a fucking extortion racket! And niggas just bow down to that shit like the slaves we’ve been conditioned to be. Well, this nigga right here ain’t bowing for nobody no more. Not God. Not no White muthafuckas. Not no niggas. Nobody! Any muthafucka that wants to see me bow better have the balls to face me and the strength to put his boot on my neck and press my forehead to the floor ’cause I damned sure ain’t doin’ it willingly!”
“Then your ass should start by raisin’ up out of that Scratch situation. ’Cause whether you realize it or not, that devil’s got you on your knees and you’re takin’ it in both ends.”
“I’m done with that shit, dog.”
“Yeah? We’ll see.”
Sitting there watching the clouds swallow the moon and stars and the darkness congeal into a solid wall of blackness, a turbid veil that hung between us, I began to wonder how I was going to make this big change and if it was even possible. Tank hadn’t thought so. He was sure that we would die in this game and he had been right, at least about himself. But did that mean that I was doomed too?
Killing wasn’t just something I did. Like I was trying to tell Huey, a killer was what I was. A metamorphosis had taken place within me as I sat cocooned inside the violence and desperation of my neighborhood and I had emerged from that cocoon as a monstrous killing thing. I was a predator of my own species, which somehow put me outside of it, made me something other than human.
Could the change be reversed?
Death was now a shadow that followed me wherever I went and that I animated with every gesture.
Yeah, though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I shall fear no evil…because I’m too damned ignorant to recognize it when I see it. Because the evil is me.
I sighed a long exasperated breath that emptied me of all my strength. The weight of my thoughts pulled my forehead earthward. I sprawled out on the ground and rested my head on the pillow made by my forearm and bicep.
The marijuana and alcohol began to work their magic and spirit my consciousness away. Slowly Huey and I both succumbed to the somnolent effects of intoxication and passed out on the cool dewy grass, our heads resting on an unknown grave at the feet of the Virgin Mary.
As I snored and drooled on the freshly manicured lawn, I dreamt that I was lying in a casket. A light set in the bottom of the casket shone through the Swiss cheese hyper-profusion of bullet holes some overly enthusiastic assassin had put in my corpse. Huge sub-woofers thundered with rapid fire sound bites of various gangsta rap songs in a cacophonous stew of rumbling bass as if someone had entirely neglected to add treble to the mix. My casket vibrated and pulsed with the sound. Each truncated lyric seemed to be some commentary on the life I had lead. Every single one of them was about death.
Scores of Black faces crowded in to gawk and point at me. None of the faces seemed mournful. They all seemed to be having a great time celebrating my passing. I heard the voice of an usher, who sounded like a tour guide, tell the group of jubilant mourners to keep moving so the next group could file in. Someone who sounded like Malcolm X opened the casket and and placed my nine on my chest as he solemnly intoned: “The chickens have come home to roost.”
I thought he might have given me the nine to smoke the tourists who had started poking at me and posing for pictures with my corpse, but I couldn’t move. I heard one of the revelers say something that chilled me.
“He’s the bastard that started the race war. He’s the reason the White folks are hunting us down. His name’s Malik. They call him Snap because he’s crazy. He betrayed his entire race. He doomed us all.”
I tried to speak to them, to tell them that I was innocent, but I was paralyzed.
“Everyone’s dead now. His mother, his grandmother, he even got his best friend killed. If he’d had any balls he would have just killed himself. That evil nigger!”
I screamed out loud, but the sound never left my lips. I was suddenly being pulled out of myself. The earth literally dropped out from under me leaving me floating weightless a million miles in space. I could see heaven from where I was, but as I turned to it the pearly gates slammed shut. There was a sign on the door that said “No dogs or niggers allowed.”
The top of the gate was covered with razor-wire and had shards of broken glass cemented into the surrounding walls. I didn’t care. I charged the gates and began pounding on them until my fists bled from where they had been punctured and lacerated by the jagged glass. Slowly the gates opened and all these Brooks Brothers suits wearing white boys came spilling out carrying shotguns. Their faces all looked like Scratch. There were police officers with them dressed in riot gear, they grinned at me with teeth plated with gold.
“Can’t you read the sign, boy? Go home. We don’t want your kind around here.”
“I’m dead. Where am I supposed to go?”
“Go to hell, nigger!”
They all started laughing at me. I started firing my nine even as the first shotgun blast blew open my chest leaving a ragged steaming hole. I didn’t feel a thing except my rage. Even in the afterlife I was getting fucked over. I was going to get in there no matter how many of these motherfuckers I had to kill. I wondered how long I could hold out with my lungs and heart obliterated by shotgun slugs. I tried not to think about it. I just kept shooting, aiming right for the head and watching as they popped like balloons and sprayed blood and brains across the pearly gates.
My aim was uncannily accurate. Each shot caught one of the suits flush in the forehead. But there were too many of them. They started to overwhelm me. I was taking so many hits that my body was coming apart. I heard a familiar sound coming from behind the gates, the stuttering staccato of automatic weapons fire. The suits began flying to shreds as bullets raked through them. Behind them I could see Tank with that big AK in his hands covering my ass as usual. He laid waste to the entire heavenly host and then turned a forty oz. up to his lips and winked at me. He walked over and passed the forty to me. I lifted it to my lips without bothering to wipe his spittle from its rim. We were brothers. Tank started to head back toward the gates while jamming another banana clip into the AK. He stopped and waved for me to follow.
“Come on, dog. We got to finish this.”
I ejected the spent clip from the Beretta and popped in a fresh one as we passed through the gates into heaven.
When Huey and I finally awoke the darkness was absolute. I couldn’t see a foot in front of me. Lights from the road helped us find our direction as we strained our eyes and made our way, mostly by memory, back to the car. It was past midnight when I dropped Huey off at his house.
“Yo, dog, you welcome to crash here if you want.”
“I just live around the corner, bro. I’m cool. Do you need me to stay?”
“You’ve helped a brother out enough today. Thanks for getting’ me out of that whack-ass funeral.”
“Yeah, is your Mom gonna be cool with that though?”
“She’ll understand.”
“My Mom won’t.”
“You can still stay here if you need to, dog. My door is always open.”
“Naw, brother. I’d better get my black ass on home.”
“See you tomorrow then, Snap.”
“Later, dog.”
I didn’t tell Huey about the dream or premonition or visitation or whatever it was I’d had. As I drove through the deserted streets, the image of Tank up in heaven still puttin’ in work and covering my ass soothed my mind a little. I pulled up to the twenty-four hour convenience store on Washington Lane and Germantown Ave and called Christina from my cell phone while I filled up my tank.
“Hello?”
She picked up on the first ring and her voice was bubbly and expectant.
“Yeah, it’s Malik. I’m coming over.”
“I thought you was gonna stand me up again. It’s damned near one o’clock in the morning.”
“Don’t sweat it. I’m on my way now, unless you don’t want me to come now?”
“Just get here and I’ll make sure you cum.”
I jumped in the Impala and flew down Wayne Avenue. I slowed the big Chevy to a crawl as I made the sharp turn onto Lincoln Drive and then floored it again as I exited Lincoln Drive onto Kelly Drive. I inhaled the sweet smell of pine trees as I sailed pass Wissahickon Park remembering when my mother and I used to go down there to swim in the creek, catch crayfish and salamanders, and hike through the woods. I missed my mother. I missed that close relationship we once had. The only way to get it back was to extricate myself from the evil shit I was involved in.
The smell of the trees and the cool breeze coming off the river helped raise my spirits as I headed down Kelly Drive and onto the Parkway. By the time I made it to Christina’s house I wasn’t thinking about anything but sex.
“Damn, that was quick. It seems like I just hung up the phone.”
“Don’t worry. Getting here is the last quick thing that’s gonna happen tonight.”
My boys would have been ashamed of me that night. That white pussy turned me out like a trick. I acted like some lovestruck punk instead of the bonafide playa that I am, but that was the best pussy I’d ever had. Even though I had swore to myself that I would never do it to any woman except the woman I married, I went down and licked Christina’s sweet pussy like it was a coke spoon. Her tremendous breasts heaved as her breath caught in her throat and her hips ground against my face, her pelvis thrusting up to meet my eager
tongue. Her body moved like electricity was coursing through her. I felt like a sucker, but I was enthralled by her. I had never seen a woman so beautiful outside of a movie. After her own orgasm tore through her making her buck like a wild stallion, she threw herself on me like a wolf lunging for the throat of a deer.
She made love to my dick with her mouth like it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. She was adoring of it, lavishing her affection upon my manhood as if it were an object of worship. When I came she lapped up every drop of my seed, gobbling it up like it was her only source of nourishment.
I fucked her in every orifice and she seemed to enjoy every position equally. She came with me in her ass as easily as she did with me in her vagina and even seemed on the verge of climax while giving head. There wasn’t a moment during the course of the night when she wasn’t stimulating me in some capacity. If I withdrew from her vagina she guided me straight into her mouth. If she took me out of her mouth she jacked me off between her luscious breasts. If they came out from between her breast she would guide me into her ass. On and on it went until we had more than half a dozen orgasms between us.
New Title 1 Page 25
